2013

You know, I honestly think 2013 was probably the best year yet. I feel like I matured and grew a lot as a person. I think I've come out as a lot better of a person. And I'm happy. I'll be the first to admit that I spent a fair chunk of the year all sad and probably depressed but I made it through. And I'm happy with life, for now at least :P I've learned a lot. I've self improved. I've had a lot of really fun times. I've gotten closer to my best friends. Zach and I have come a far ways and we have gotten so much closer. I've also really grown into my own skin. I usually feel quite confident. And I don't know, I just feel 18, young and free. This is probably the most that I've ever felt like myself.

proud year

I'm really proud of the year I had. 2013 is one to be proud of :) I came a far ways and grew up a lot.

percy

You are honestly pretty great. Just the fact that you made the point that you liked it by naming it and then giving it a purpose, that meant a lot. You are so sweet :)

Not as good

I think this year, instead of my winter issues coming around as being sad and down all the time, I think it just makes me more upset when I get upset. If that makes sense? Like I'm still generally happy but when I get upset, it's kinda bad. And I feel bad about it. I really do. 

I hope New Years is really fun. I want to have fun with you. 

so cold

is it spring yet? I just wanna drive with the windows down and lay out and tan and wear shorts. But no it's a -30 wind chill outside

day by day

I know I literally just posted about winter not affecting me as much this year but then I get to today and it turns into just taking it day by day. I'm not like depressed, I'm just not happy. Pretty blah is how I would describe it. It's still not bad. It's just a blah day in comparison to a good day. But a blah day doesn't mean a blah life and plenty good days are right around the corner.

winter

tomorrow is the first official day of winter. But if anyone knows MN at all, they know that it's been winter for a solid month now. And I'm still doing good :) Truthfully, I feel like I'm doing better than I was last year at this point. Which is great. I meant there is still January and February of solid winter left to endure, but so far, it hasn't been that bad. Maybe it has to do with the fact that this is my last everything of being at home. Last Christmas Break, last Christmas, last snow falls. So I really want to make the most of it. Maybe that's cheesy but whatever :P Or maybe I've been learning how to tolerate winter better :P either way, much improvement. And I'm excited for us to do Christmas presents, even if they aren't anything really big. It's still meaningful. If anything, it's the thought that counts. And it's sounding like New Year's will be interesting. I've got a question or two about that. I mean, I wouldn't mind not coming home that night :P anywho, I hope it's a really great Christmas break! :)

Maybe just don't read

Here it comes. I'm on the cusp of a blog rant.

Ok so there was literally no issue or drama until you made it T. You keep trying to force your thoughts and beliefs down my throat. You don't get to control how I live my life and the more you try to influence me, the more I don't give a single shit about what you are saying. Forget the haters. It's my life. It honestly isn't even any of your business. You're making it your business. You're the one making this a big deal. Cuz to me, I'm good. I realize my situation and I'm just having fun with it. Im not under any illusions. And I can actually separate sex from a relationship. You're the one that doesn't get that. But to me, it's just the sex. And really good sex at that. Sex does not equal relationship. I don't think you get how much my mentality has changed. It's strengthened, hardened. I'm stronger than you give me credit for. Like to me, I can see him and I together in the future. I think it's probably going to happen at some point but we both have to be ready for a relationship before then. And for now, we are both single so why can't we have fun with it. Why can't two people who love each other just hang out and enjoy each other? I'm just saying, it's not fair to me that you have to put in your two cents about my life constantly. It's not up to you. I'm a big girl, I can take care of myself. I honestly have so much fun and feel good when I'm with him. We genuinely have a great time. So could you please just back off of my life. I'm not fragile, I'm not incompetent. I see exactly what's going on. Just let me do my thing. And I know this sounds like I'm bitching you out. But I'm just telling how if feels on my side. You are always judging me and telling me I'm wrong. Oh and whatever is going on with me and Zach should truly not affect us. How does it? It only does because you make it. I don't involve myself in your relationship. Just saying. And if you are getting mad at me for this, just realize I'm doing to you what you have constantly been doing to me. And I tried telling you that it sucks that you always lecture me and judge me but that seemed to go in one ear and right out the other. I tried. I tried hinting at you that enough is enough. Well now here it is in blunt format. Maybe now you will listen. You don't get to decide what is right and wrong in my life. I do. And like I said, I'm not like meaning this as yelling at you, it's just me sharing my side. 

choose

could you please pick one or the other? Cuz gah, as much as I love you and hanging out and how we have been lately, especially the past couple of days, it sucks that she isn't out of the picture and you can't have both of us. But I really want you and us and all that. So yeah. This is kinda my chicken shit way of bringing it up to you. Because I don't want to mess things up, but yet I don't know if I could just keep it in my head.

Tis the Season

I honestly love December. Christmas time is always great. I do enjoy getting people presents and wrapping them and giving them. The whole process, I just want to revel in it. Except when I get to worrying about if you will like your present or not :P you really are kinda difficult to shop for, you know that? Anyways I'm going tomorrow and hopefully I stop second guessing myself and you like it. I'm glad we are doing gifts this year though. Even if it isn't a lot, it's still something and it would have felt weird to not do anything. I don't care if your idea is lame, I'm sure I'll still like it :P I like lame :P You mean a ton to me and we have been doing really well so we should do presents :) We've come a long way in the past year. But at the same time, we have some what circled back. Except I think this year is better. We don't really fight anymore. Which is good :) I think we have sort of found a rhythm. It's kind of a weird rhythm, but it's been working recently.  I mean, I do still want you and us and all that, pretty bad actually, but yeah. I... kinda think that.... we will eventually get back together... and that when we do... it will be 10 times stronger than anytime before... I don't want to assume anything but there is a decent part of my heart that feels that, believes that. Butttt any who, back to December. I was completely serious when I said that standing outside and just watching it snow at night is one of the most magical and peaceful things. I have a very distinct memory of it. Another one of those sights is sitting in a woody campground in Yellowstone, and looking up at the stars. Magical. I hope I can share that one with you some time :) This is such a cheerful time of year. And Christmas break is coming up soon and hopefully we hang out a lot :P And T, we legit better have a girl day with Lorissa too! We haven't had one since like October! And oh lurd is this year going by so quickly! We are only a month out from being halfway done with senior year! And that includes our break. It's crazy! It should slow down :/ I really want to enjoy the rest of senior year. But I am also really looking forward to August. Move in day will be the best!! I am so freakin excited! I know I kept saying we were pretty set on a couple different places now, but this one is legit. Jacob Heights it is! I think it's a perfect combination of what we liked about summit and what we liked about huntington. It kinda sucks that it's gonna be more money but oh well. I think we will be really happy there. Plenty of time for cuddling will be possible :P Approximately 249 days and 11ish hours until we move in! That's still a long time away and a lot could change before then. But not a lot has changed with us in the past 6 months, if anything just gotten better so I mean, things could also just pretty much stay the same. But I hope situations will be right on August 20th so that we can spend that first night and who knows how many more, sleeping together. Truthfully, I have no idea how often we will. Just have to wait and see pretty much. I know I have a fair amount of lonely nights. Then there would at least be the opportunity to be together. Another thing that I have thought of, I don't know how often all of us will text anymore. It will just be different because we will be together a lot more and sleeping in the same house and just yeah :P I just mean like it would kinda be weird to text you goodnight if you are just downstairs. It will just be a change. Well this got considerably longer than what I had intended :P I had opened this post not even totally sure what I was going to say :P Guess I was just in the mood to talk... via blog :P I'm thinken tomorrow is going to be a good day. Between some serious shopping and whatever is going tomorrow night, I'm excited :)

Distant or...

I dunno, I guess it's just kinda seemed like you have been a little distant ever since Monday night. And idk if you are just busy or actually are or what. I don't know what's going on. That's just what it has seemed like and it kinda sucks. 

homes

I'm pretty much continuously getting more excited for our living situation. I seriously can't wait! It will be nice to get away from living at home. Don't get me wrong, living with my family really isn't that bad, like at all, but it will still be so much fun and such. And I mean you will be just in the other room so lonely nights won't be so lonely anymore :) I think the first night will be interesting. Actually, it probably won't have totally sunk in the very first night. It will just kinda seem like we are having a sleepover in a different house. But nope, it will be just us, in our own place. And that's really exciting! It will be weird living with my friends instead of my family. It will be like a constant hang out. I think we will all get a lot closer too

So I actually kinda miss the bridge. Like I can't wait til it's spring so we can go out there again. I actually like it there. But your grandparents leave soon and I'm sure that will be nice too :P

Blah I think tonight will be a lonely night

lights

You're pretty much the best :) I love you :)

yeahhhh

So now it looks like we will be going with that townhouse we saw today. I really liked it. I mean yeah, it might not be as new and nice and summit, but it had sooo much more space and we could really make it feel like a home. It's exciting! And it will be about the same price as summit so that's good cuz I didn't really want to pay anything more than what we would at summit. I think we will still need to talk about it more but it definitely seemed really nice!

And you are seriously the cutest when you get all excited like that :) When we were in the car, that was awesome. You have a cute laugh too ;)

And don't worry, I still kinda can't believe we had a quicky on the floor with them in the other room. It was kinda awkward! I mean once we got going, we were definitely going but it was still kinda weird. I mean I kinda forgot about them for a bit but yeah.

Probably eventually

So probably eventually. That's what I got outta that. Which honestly was kinda what I had been starting to think. I'm just really glad I know where you are at with us. I didn't want to be stupid and assume things and I also really wanted to know if you thought we would ever be again. But I don't want to think things that turn out to not be true. And I guess this is kinda an assumption, but the longer we wait to get back together, the better the chance that that will be it, right? Kinda that whole if it's meant to be, we will come back to each other sooner or later. Which is sounding like later. But like if a lot of exploring goes on before us again, I would think that the better the chance that we will be together again for a really long time. But yeah idk if you agree. And really, I'm okay with this all. We are still super best friends and moving in together and eventually will come eventually ;)

Just busy?

So you really haven't said much at all to me this entire break... And I get that you are busy but idk I just kinda wonder if there is something more to it. But I have no idea. 

It's really kinda sucked hardly getting to talk to you. Miss you

Blunt

So no us this school year. That's what you so bluntly stated. And it sucked and kinda hurt but honestly it wasn't that surprising. I had a feeling that something like that was coming. And before you had said it was unfair to ask you if you think we will get back together at some point because you had a gf. But now it's not fair because you can't see the future? It's not like I was asking if it will for sure happen. It was pretty much just an opinion question. I was just trying to gauge where you are at with things with us. Like if you would even want us again. I don't want to be niieve and think you want us eventually if you don't. Does that make sense? And I dunno like I could see us just being friends for ever with nothing ever changing but I could also see us getting back together and getting married one day. Such opposites. But that's life. Maybe I kinda need to back off for a bit. It's been a little weird lately. But gah 6 months is so long. I don't know what's going to happen between now and then but idk if I can just be a fuck buddy for that long. I want to be something more. But you've known that for ever now. That I want us. And I don't know what you think. And I kinda want to say that I hope something happens before the end of the year that changes your mind but you were so blunt and strong with your statement. And before, you had said that once you were single, we would have a chance. But you've made it clear that nothing has changed so the chance is still zero. 

But hey. Bright side. At least this summer will probably be super awesome then. 

I don't even know if I want to post this. 

boom

well that was certainly unexpected. Honestly did not see that coming. Like at all. And when I said sorry, I really did mean it. I know you didn't really believe me but I meant it. I know you really liked her. So yeah. I dunno I think I'm still processing. It was so sudden. It changes things. I mean it does but yet it doesn't. It's just different. I dunno I always thought this wouldn't happen until like January maybe. That was like the earliest I was putting it in my mind. But now it's just here and I dunno what will happen. Nothing will for a while I guess. I know you want to be single for a while. So then I guess I'll probably put January as my guess. If we do. I mean that's not even a for sure. I don't know where your head is at with all this. And I mean it's all up to you so my timeline really means nothing. I guess I don't know what to think. And I don't mean that in a bad way, not at all. I'm just processing. Like I said, I think it's because I thought it would still be months before this. And now there's actually like a chance but I don't know if you will take it or not. Maybe that's it too. Gah seriously, this sounds so depressing but really I'm kinda excited. But it has to be controlled because I know you aren't going to just come back to me. It's complicated and I'm tired :P Don't read all that much into this :P

better!

well isn't it a coincidence that I blog about it again and then like right away it's finally better :P But yay!! I'm glad you're finally good again. I still don't know what was wrong but maybe eventually you'll tell me some day? I love seeing you smile again :)

anyways, I'm sooo excited for the summit! I really want to live there. During the second tour, I really started to get comfortable with it and could see us living there. And I'm really excited for it! And congrats on getting in! That's great! I knew you would though :P But seriously, good job :) and that moves us a little closer to getting our living situation being set in stone so that's also great. Can it just hurry up and be move in day?

Wrong wrong

I looked back and the first time I blogged about whatever is wrong with you was 2 weeks ago. And even then I had mentioned that it had been going on for quite a while already. I just want it to be better now. You don't deserve to be this unhappy for this long. I miss happy Zach so much. So I hope this is over soon. Of course, I said the same thing 2 weeks ago so I guess we shall see. I just want happiness for us all. As cheesy as that sounds. Misery loves company but so does happiness. 

sick day

Today sucks. I'm sick and home alone and it's crappy outside and you've hardly said anything to me. I feel lonely. But I'll get past it, I always do. I'm really hoping tomorrow is better. I hope I still feel somewhat better. Cuz if I don't go to school tomorrow, that means I can't do anything tomorrow night. And I really want to do something tomorrow night. Blah just gotta get through today and work tonight. Hopefully I don't get worse again. I don't want tomorrow to be like today

oh and now I just realized today used to be our anniversary so awesome.

sigh

I just really love you and want to be with you. If only it were that easy.

und

deep breath. If you go back and look at that convo, I really don't think I freaked out on you. If a couple "ya"s and saying I thought we were all committed to MSU was a freak out... then I must be constantly freaking out. Come on, that really wasn't that bad. I didn't even say anything mad. I used a ":P" or two even. That means I'm not really mad. It would have been a lot worse if I had been mad. I was upset, yeah, but even that wasn't really lashed out at you. And idk it hurt to think you would just leave us.. me.. for that. But I know you totally could because it would be a great school for you. Life choices. Anyways, I was calm and ready to move on, I even said so, and that's when your freak out started. I get that I brought up something that had to do with me, but I think you made it into something more than what it was. I wasn't making it have to do with me, it actually would directly affect me. Along with Taya and Nick. Just saying. I think it was blown out of proportions a little. But you still have that other stuff going on so I'm sure that didn't help at all. I think we both got too emotional about all this so it's good we both just moving along. We are good, right? I hope so because I'm glad it's just for getting out of school. Because I really can't wait to be roommates :) love you

too nice?

maybe I'm trying too hard to be nice to you with all this going on. If it's too much, just tell me to stop.

So I just realized something... I'm just sitting down here with my dad, each of us doing our own thing. But I'm gonna miss talking to him and joking with him and all the little inside jokes we have.

Summit

I am seriously so beyond excited for our living situation for next year!! I can't wait!! I seriously wish we could move now. I am so dang excited. It sucks that it's so far away but I am sure time will fly. Tonight I'm gonna go to sleep already dreaming of it. It's going going to be so great

maybe this is unfair

This is getting hard. Maybe it's not fair to say, but it's getting hard on me. Seeing you like this is hard. It's been so bad for so long. I keep trying to think of what could be this bad for this long but I don't get very far. So I'm in the dark. I'm just so ready for this to be done with. And I'm sure you are more than ready. I miss happy Zach. We have been so good lately. Even through this we seem to be good, you seem pretty good when we hang out. But it's taking a toll. It's hard to stay happy when you are so unhappy. And it's so constant. I mean, I think in the past like week for sure, I've gotten one smile over text. And I really am trying. I think you can see that. I'm trying to be cheerful and attempt to help your mood. But we both know that I don't get very far with that. But I am still going to do my best for you. I'll be here. I'm going to keep trying. But I'm sure we are both hoping that the storm will let up soon. Every storm runs out of rain.

But there has been something amazing. Even with all the shit you are going through, you have still been really caring towards me. You called me that one night about what was wrong. You make sure we don't go away on a bad note. I dunno, I just find that really amazing. You're amazing.

Taking it out

I meant every word. I'm not going anywhere. I'm sticking by you, through thick and thin. I love you

wrong

So whatever is wrong has been going on for quite a while now. And it sucks. Talking to you is just different. And it's hard because I really want to know what it is. I'm not trying to make it about me, I'm just saying, it kinda hurts me that you won't tell me and then tell Taya and make her promise not to say anything. It sucks. Especially today, right away, it was really obvious that it was really bothering you and I couldn't do a damn thing.

not in the mood.

You're not my mom. Stop with the lectures. I'm really getting sick of it. All is does is just make me upset at you too because you just tell me I'm wrong. It doesn't help. Stop.

first snow

snowed for the first time of the season today. and life is still good :)

Slipped again

So I know I slipped today. And I am sorry for that. It always sucks when I do. It kinda makes things weird with us too. But in the end, good did come of it. I don't want to have the wrong impressions or ideas about what will happen. So knowing your side is really helpful. Nothing has changed. I know you will need your time after it before you would want a relationship again. That's just how you are. I was already thinking it would be a couple months after a break up before we would ever be together again. I guess the only thought that scares me is that you will find someone else again and not make it back to me. Again. But no one knows. Just have to see. And I guess I don't know if you mean that in that time we could go on dates and start to move back to that. I want that but in the end it's all up to you. :P. And gah I don't want to over think anything, but by saying you couldn't answer that question, didn't you kinda answer it? Like if it would have been a no, I feel like you could have just said that. But like I said, over thinking is bad. It could go either way. Blah I need sleep. It hasn't helped that I've been sleep deprived all day. That always makes me weird. Anyways, good night. We still good. Life is still fairly good. 

Hdingd

My heart is pounding. I wish things could be easier. 

time

we have been hanging out kinda a lot lately. And I love it :) we are going to be great roommates :)

Just beat it

As of right now, I think I am going to beat my winter sadness this year. I've been just assuming that it's cloudy put while we are in school and I am just fine. I mean the sun still definitely helps but I don't think it's going to affect me so much this year. I'm still pretty happy :) but I guess we will see what happens during November when winter actually starts to really set in. But for now, I am truly doing well :)

"family"

I would say that our family night went fairly well :) We never did end up watching a movie but it was still a lot of fun :)

artsy

Lately, I've been really into art. Painting and ceramics. Ceramics is seriously my favorite class. I get truly excited to go to it every day. And I have been doing a lot of painting on my own at home. I really like it. I've gotten to be really artsy and creative lately. And I like that too :)

all said and done

so now that it's all said and done, I have 2 reasons for us not being together: things with Sena need to play out and you won't want a gf for a while and I have yet another reason to not become a stripper :P And honestly, that conversation wasn't even really bad. I already knew that things have to play out first and I kinda figured you would want to be single for a while after that. And while I really understand that, I just hope you don't find someone else again. That thought has creeped into me head and it makes me a little nervous. Although, I don't really know how long you meant by a while. I kinda figured like idk 2 months. But no one knows. I'm thinken we are probably going to be apart for more than a year. That's crazy to think about that long. But it really isn't that far away. But now we have a great friendship so yay for that :) love you :)

to say or not to say

What I really want to say... I'm kinda scared to say it to you. But I also can't put it on here. So I'm keeping it in. For now at least.

and now

And now you either kinda agree and kinda see it too, or you just think I'm crazy. I'm not dumb enough to think it's for sure going to happen. I can just see it happening. The possibility is there.  I dunno that post might have been too much. But it's too late now. Nothing's changed. Situations are still the same. We still can't be together yet. Maybe someday

I can see it

Now before I start, I just want to say that this is my safe space and I can say what I want. Don't worry, it's nothing bad or mean or anything like that, I just don't want to get lectured. 

So Alex said something interesting a couple nights ago. He said that he thinks you and Sena aren't going to make it to jobs. I just thought that was interesting. But it's just one person's thought so I'm really not going to read into it. It just, I dunno, made me think a little bit. Anything is possible. 

...I can still see us being married one day. Maybe I'm crazy, but I can still see it all in my head. Except.... Now it almost seems better than it used to. We have the best friends thing going for us now and so it just seems better. But again, maybe I'm just crazy. And it's getting closer. It was one thing when we were 15 and thinking we could really make it but now I'm 18 and it's getting closer and more real. But we aren't even dating and I'm just spinning this all up in my head. But talking about it now, I really see it. I can see it all. And I want it. 

Good again

Everything is pretty good right now :) you and I are really good, t and I are really good, school isn't too bad I suppose, things for college are starting to come together. I am happy. The only thing is that I still really don't know what to go to college for. And going off of my favorite classes doesn't really help because they are art and that is such an unreliable job field. So I dunno. I have a feeling I will end up settling on something and then 10 years down the road I'll go back and get another degree. Which isn't a bad thing really. I'm hoping I'll be able to get through college without racking up too much debt.  I have savings, my parents have savings for me, who knows what my grandparents will do for graduation gifts, I'm gonna apply for a few scholarships, and I'm going to work throughout college. But college and living expenses are a lot. Tuition, books, supplies, housing, food. All necessities and all are pretty expensive. So we will have to see. 

Just sayin

We have a complicated relationship. 

But I'm not complaining :)

None

It really is true, whenever things are doing well, I don't blog that much. And things really have been going well recently :) I had a really great weekend and I am hoping that this weekend will be like that too :) I really don't have anything to complain or vent about right now :)

bridge

it's been a good weekend :)

Label

Maybe it's just easier if we have a label to define our relationship. Because otherwise, I'm not really sure what we are. Labels make it clear. But yet I do understand the want to not have one. But it also just gives me a peace of mind to just know where we stand. But anyways it's not that big of a deal

Yessss

We're getting back to normal. And it's great :) 

whewwww

Thank you.

Rainrainrain

So it's been more than a week since you have actually talked to me. And it has sucked. I'm going to really try to give you space for at least a few days. You know that has even hard for me so far. But yeah imma try. I really hope we can talk about this soon. I wanna fix things.      I really hope this isn't your way of getting rid of me. Because that would be really shitty. 

Ugh today has been fucking miserable.

Scream

I just want to scream. And cry. What's going on. Why can't we just go back to being super best friends again? This last week had sucked. I wish I could take back last Saturday. God fucking damn it. I always mess things up. :'(

Here we go

So today someone asked me why we broke up. Seems a bit late to just now be asking but he went away for quite a while. Anyways, I didn't really know how to answer that. I ended up just saying it wasn't working and we fought a lot. But I don't really know what the answer is. I haven't ever been told what the for sure reason(s) were. And I've just been thinking. What happened to us? I mean seriously, how did we get to this point. I'm the type of person that needs answers. I just want to know why. 

... I don't go around wishing bad for you with your relationship. Did you know that? I'm honestly happy for you. I'm sure she's great. 

I think my hope for us again in the future is slowing drifting away. There is no chance for the near future or even the semi near future. But I guess that was what you said all along. That our best chance would be after high school. I just didn't want to settle for that. And back in April, around when we went on our date, I was starting to see us fall back in place. But that was a long time ago. I've really come to accept that I am going to be single all senior year. But then we will get to college and there will be a lot more guys to choose from. You guys were concerned about what about when you bring home girls. But ya know I'm allowed to bring home guys too. Unless things change, I can't wait to get out there in college and bring home guys. I mean I still would love it if we were together then but we don't all get what we want. I mean, I dunno. For now, this is how things are. Hopefully we are still super best friends. Not really sure right now but I really want us to be. Things will get interesting if you and Sena break up. That would be when things could start to change again. But I dunno I think we have proven that there is still something they're between us. There always will be. We were each other's first love. And that is strong. But love in general is strong. And I'm not stupid. I'm sure you love Sena. It will just come down to if in the end, you are with your first, second, or even someone else. Life's a long and winding ride. And if it's you and her in the end, at least it will give me hope that there is someone else out there for me too. It'll just be a matter of finding him. But for now, that is all up in the air. And honestly, I think I am doing okay by myself. 

So I really don't know if that made you guys proud of me or if it just made me look pathetic. 

I am so ready for us to just hash out this thing about last Saturday. I'm sure once we do, there is the possibility that you will need time again to cool off and such. But it also could make things totally better. I don't care if it will hurt, I just need to know. And T is good now so if I have to, I can lean on her. But I am strong. You were even the one that said I am stronger than anyone gives me credit for. So just lay it on me. Please

Figuring

I would think that if it was just anger, you would be over it and we would be past it by now. Anger is short lived. So that leads me to wonder if you are hurt? Or disappointed? Those feelings linger longer. That would explain why this is taking more time than I thought. But then again, I have no fucking idea what is going on. 

I kept seeing you today. And it honestly sucks. I just hang my head. Because my other options are looking at you and you look back with a not nice face or you don't look at me and I hurt. Just looking at you reminds me of what is going on and that hurts too. And part of it is also shame. I'm hanging my head in shame. I don't know why because I don't know why you are upset, but I feel shame. 

I just want to share my life with you again. 

Usbdkvs

I guess I just thought we would be talking and maybe even back to normal by now. 

Needs

I'm conflicted. Because I know you need space. But I need answers. 

WHAT DID I DO :'(

Nsjdf

I really wish you would talk to me. Every time you clearly avoid me, it really hurts. Especially since I don't even know what I did. And I can't talk about this with Taya anymore. She already has enough stress.  Just ugh. Waiting for you is all I can do and i don't even know. How much longer will this go on... I really wanted to hang out this weekend... I hate this. 

I just want to cry. 

...

Ugh ugh ugh ugh ugh ugh ugh ugh ugh ugh ugh ugh ugh ugh ugh ugh ugh ugh

is this the end

I'm getting the ultimate cold shoulder and I don't even know why. This isn't fair. I keep raking my brain for what could have possibly been so bad that I deserve this. I dunno. I just want my super best friend back. But all I can do is wait and see if I get a text.

news

I'm officially accepted into MSU :)
I wish I could even just share that with you.

this is hard. not talking to you is hard.

Morning

I'm sad. Even just a text saying you aren't quite ready yet would be nice. Because you hardly seem real right now and it sucks. I even wore my lucky penguins. Can we please just move on and be past this and be super best friends again? I really want to just talk to you. I miss you

What did I do

Like seriously... What did I do that was so bad that you won't talk to me for a couple days? This always really scares me. I get really afraid that this will be it, the end of us and being friends and talking. And then you weren't at school today and so it really seemed like you disappeared. Like poof, you're gone. I don't like it. And I keep trying to figure out what pissed you off so much. Everyone else is fine with it. Why are you reacting so strongly? I mean yeah, ok, it wasn't very smart to get really drunk there with all them boys, but I had my best friend there and I knew she would take care of me. And she did. And now I know what not to do next time. I know how to be smarter about it. ....is this going to be the end of our friendship? I'm really scared right now.

I need you back.

so I know last night was pretty bad. I got pretty bad. But I was just having a good time. I mean, yeah, I probably had more than I should have. But nothing bad happened. I don't want to get that bad again any time soon but I had fun for a while and I think I needed that. I really don't get why you are so mad at me. And if you lost respect for me... why? What did I do that was so bad? It's not like I do that every weekend. It was my first time. From what I remember and what I have heard, I was actually pretty fun and funny. Like I said, I don't want to get that bad again but at least I didn't do anything really crazy like streak or have sex or smoke weed. And if it really pissed you off that much, why didn't you try and stop me? Just saying. And really, do you even have the right to get mad at me for drinking? Obviously we aren't dating. None of my other friends had a problem with it. You don't get pissed at any of your other friends for getting drunk. What makes me different? I'm sorry if I did anything to you personally. Really, if there is anything I did to you, I'm sorry for it. But I'm not going to apologize for getting drunk. That was my choice and honestly doesn't have anything to do with you. Are you upset I was all over Josh? Why? Wouldn't you rather it be him than Troy or Brennan? Josh was being nice to me and supporting me and I knew I could trust him a lot more than most of the other guys there. Even drunk, I knew to stay away from Brennan and keep my clothes on and not do really stupid shit. So why does anything have to be different now? I'm sorry if I was a bitch in this. Can we please just be super best friends again? I've missed you today. I was really looking forward to us making more progress. I love you

get back to happy

I have been so stressed out lately. I need to relax and be happy again

Already regretting this.

I guess I'm in a weird mood again. I think it's a result if stress. I've been feeling pretty stressed lately. Like can we just skip ahead to when I have a degree and a job I actually like and a husband and kids? Even if I could just get a glimpse of my life in 2 or 3 years, hell even just a year, just to know how things turn out and what ends up happening, that would be great. I just want to know if I'll be happy. I don't know what to do with my life. I don't know if I'll end up getting what I want in life. Hopefully somewhat soon I'll figure out what to major in in college. But like... I dunno what I'm trying to get at. I just... Things are over with us for now but it just feel like they aren't over forever. Like there is still something there. We both know that. We could truly be great and I think maybe sometimes you see that too. I keep thinking of all these things I wish we could do together. We had kinda gotten in a rut and never really did anything different from our usual. Which was more or less because of money. But now we could be more adventurous and exciting. I honestly think it would be a new us if we got back together. We would still have some main elements of the old us but a lot would be different, better. I just want that chance to experience what we would be like. Just ugh. Ik I sound pathetic but please don't lecture me again. I already know everything you tell me. 

I am so much stronger than people think. I can get over things and put on a smile.  Despite all this, I am still proud of how far I've come and all that I have accomplished. I'm a better person than I was 9 months ago. 

Tonight I'm feeling like an astronaut 

still wanting

it's probably better this way.
we need to figure out what the step up from super best friends is.

Sjdiebfl

That was hard. But I am proud of myself for being strong enough to do it. 

Can't.

I can't even say what I really want to say on here. And it sucks. 

Bye bye childhood

It's my last few hours of childhood. And now I'm just sitting here reminiscing on the past (almost) 18 years of my life. All the good and all the bad. So much has happened. There is so much left that will happen in the future. And we just gotta see what happens. I'm hoping a lot of good things happen in the near future :)

Self improvement

I am always striving to better myself

Shh

If only, if only. 

Hmm

Life is such a roller coaster. It has highs and lows and you are never totally sure what is going to happen right around the corner.

one of those

Today is one of those days where I come home from school and immediately go to my room and cry.

yayayay

I just got back from getting my senior pics done! I think it went really well and I can't wait to see them! So excited!

and then there is today

And now today I'm not doing so good. It just one of those days where it's just blah and sad. Although I'm sure our conversation had something to do with it. Even when I was trying to do the smart thing, I still ended up feeling dumb. Probably because I was wrong. Because even though I knew I shouldn't assume things, I think I still did. But didn't I kinda have the right to, I had reasons to? Oh well. I'm just hoping that by tonight things will be better again.

Less

I blog less when I am happy. You guys have probably noticed that. I usually use this blog as a way to vent and express my feelings. So when things are good, I don't really need to do that, and thus, I don't blog as much. So me not blogging is usually a good thing. Although it is probably also because I have been a lot busier lately. But yeah, I am hoping that things keep getting better and better. But there is no way to know, we just have to see what ends up happening. But I have a good feeling about things :) although, I could end up bring wrong. Someone who is always right needs to tell me if I am right too :P. I mean... Yeah. Super best friends? That is awesome :). Ik I am a little late with mentioning that on here. I really do think that is true though. I feel like we have gotten even closer lately and that is great. So I guess super best friends is a good way to describe it :) good job with coming up with it :). Ok so something else that I have started thinking about is who I am going to ask to jobs. At this point, I seriously don't know. It also kinda depends on who wants to go with me and I'm not really sure of who does. So yeah guess we will have to see :P well I'm tired so goodnight

motto

...ya know what I have noticed lately? I've been happy. I've actually been happy. It's been great :)

oh and new life motto thanks to the guy on boat lift: don't go through life saying "I should have". If you want to do something, just do it.

iPhone!

So I am definitely super glad that I finally got upgraded! Yay! I already love it so much! I am even blogging this from my phone! I guess the only thing I will miss is all the old texts on my old phone. Oh well, it's probably better that they are gone. What's past is past

don't go

last night... whoa. I missed the Friday Night Lights. That was pretty fun. My drive was pretty decent. I love driving and sometimes it helps clear my head sooo yeah. But then I got home... and you guys both know the story. It was really scary right away. I cried. I tried calming myself down and distracting myself with OTH. And that worked a little at least. Then you called me. And I had to tell you what was going on and idk if you could tell, but I almost started crying again. But you were really great and calmed me down and just talked to me and even made me laugh. It was exactly what I needed. It was perfect. You got major best friend points for that, stingy ;) But now that it's over, I'm probably going to worry about my dad some. But he's okay. Nothing serious. As of yet anyways. To me, this had seemed big when I had told you guys he was in the hospital, but it really wasn't, in comparison. He could have been in a bad car accident or something. But he wasn't. He's going to be okay. Thank God. I love my dad.

worried.

trying to stay positive. about everything. but it gets hard. especially right now.

slip

I realized I have slipped a lot lately. I even recognize that it's kinda pathetic. But I'm trying. A lot has been going on lately and it's just hard. But I'm trying. I guess I'll try harder. I'm sorry.

brb crying

so.... you said you get that feeling sometimes when we are together... but then it goes away afterwards... don't you think that's because we are just friends? I mean, doesn't it make sense that it doesn't feel like the old us because we aren't? Because we are just best friends? And you also have a gf so that's probably another solid reason it goes away. But it's still there. You still get it. I still get it. There's still something there. I think it would completely come back if we gave it another go. I mean, it would be different because of our friendship. It would be better. Just... ugh. It's been so long.

lol

lol to that entire day of school. I mean, it was pretty good, but boring and I was tired and hungry like the entire time. I think it will be a pretty good year though. I wish I had more classes or even a class :P with you guys! But oh well. I can't remember if I said this already, but hey, I'm actually pretty proud of us for becoming best friends over the summer. Congrats to us :) yeah I love that :)

sleep tonight

now that it's tomorrow... I don't even know how I feel about senior year starting anymore. It's a little scary but I'm just... idk I don't really believe it yet. It doesn't seem like it should be tomorrow. Where the heck did summer go?? Hopefully tomorrow goes well. I'm a little nervous, surprise surprise. :P I'm gonna be tired as hell from my whacked up sleep schedule and then who knows how well I'll even me able to sleep tonight. There will probably be a lot of my mind. About school, but also about other things too

leggo

so there are officially less than 36 hours until school starts :( :( :( summer went by wayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy too fast! I think it's ended pretty well though. Probably the best that I could have asked for. I just hope the good stuff rolls over into the school year. Because I think everything is finally starting to be really good again. T and I are good, Z and I are good. Nothing really bad is going on. I really don't have anything to complain about. Except maybe work :P The work grind was so real this week. Anyways, I mean, I'd be lying if I said that I wasn't anxious at all for school to start. Maybe it's mostly just the first day. But yet, at the same time, summer was so quick that I feel like I was just at school like a month ago and getting back into that routine will probably be a fairly easy adjustment. I guess I dunno I almost feel like I am indifferent towards school starting in a way. I mean, it's gonna happen no matter what. I'm gonna be sooo tired though! My sleep schedule is like 1 to 11. That's when I'm asleep or at least still in bed. So getting up at 7 or earlier, that will not be easy. I am NOT looking forward to being tired all the time again. But I do think it will be a really good, really fun year. I'm hoping for the best! I hope things just keep being good. I'm gonna do my best to take everything in stride but hopefully nothing drastic happens. Unless it's drastic in a good way :P I still think we would be so good! Just sayin :P anyways, I can't wait for the first football game. That will feel like fall. Gah and I need to get stuff figured out for my birthday too! Because it's already September! My birthday is getting pretty close! I'm excited! Guess we will have to see what all goes on with that. Just like everything else :P oh and I'm glad we are officially best friends! That's great! I love that! I just wanna hug you :P If you couldn't tell, it makes me happy :) anyways, goodnight, I love you guys!

4 days left

So here we are. There are only 4 days left of summer. And it's bittersweet. I mean, I know this year will be great and really fun so I'm excited for it. But yet, summer went by way too fast and I wish we had more left. And seeing how fast summer went by makes me sad because I know that the school year will go by really fast too. And school always changes things and relationships. I hope it's for the best. I dunno I'm in a really weird mood right now.

movieee

I was gonna put the title as "you're next" but just in case you are reading this late at night, all alone, I figured I wouldn't scare you like that :P Anyways, I had a lot of fun! It was great to see you again! And that movie was actually legitly good! So yeah, great night!

Oh and when you said that of course you will try, I dunno that just really meant a lot and made me smile a little :) I really hope it works out! I wanna hang out again before school starts!

in case you haven't noticed, often times when I change paragraphs, I change who it is directed at :P
Goodnight!

stop

why'd you tell me to stop? I wasn't even going anywhere with it. Just, maybe some day. We used to say that more and I remembered it and just wanted to say it. Thinking about it now, you probably thought some crazy break down was about to happen. :P nope. Just maybe some day. I don't really blame you for thinking that though, if that was what you were thinking. But.... maybe some day... that's still true.

Anyways, I wasn't kidding when I had said that that was exactly what I needed. I mean, giving situations. It was perfect. It felt pretty good to know that you miss me and our friendship too. Don't worry, I'm not stupid and I know that when you said you miss me too, you meant it in a friend way. Unless you actually did mean it the other way too, in which case I would like it if you told me that :P But I realize that was more than likely not the case. ...I really do love our friendship. But.... I still wish there was more. Maybe I should have just stopped before saying that. Because I still understand our situation. Nothing.

untitled

now you're the one hurting us.



but now I understand better. And it sounds like school will really help. And that's in just a week. So I can't wait! Barely seeing each other affects every relationship/friendship so school and activities will help, for sure

far

I think I've gotten more independent, even just in the past couple days. I can change my mood myself, without needing other people to. I mean, other people could definitely say/do things to affect my mood. But I can control it myself if need be. I've figured out how to make myself happy. And a fair amount of that comes back to just letting things go. Things that aren't worth being upset over. Choose to be happy. I'm proud of how I've handled myself lately. It's a great improvement. I've definitely come a far ways recently. I'm proud of that too. I have a good feeling about this year :) I mean, honestly, anything could happen and right now... I think I'm okay with that :) I mean, if we get back together, great! But if not, I'm still doing pretty good by myself.     ok and I'd be lying if I said that I'm not hoping this new-found independence and control and inner happiness didn't help things with us. Because... honestly... I think this is what I have needed this entire time. Even back when we were dating. I needed the ability to be independent and make myself happy. I depended on you too much for that happiness. I didn't really have the ability to just let the little things go. But I think I've mostly got that now. And I think it would make our relationship better. It would make any relationship better. Now I don't really know for sure what your reasons were for breaking up. But I kinda have a feeling that some of this stuff had at least something to do with it. I got upset over little shit way too often which lead to pointless fights and more stress for you and I depended on you for my happiness too much which put pressure on you. I was probably annoying and needy. And I'm sorry for that :/ But I guess I can't really do anything about it now. Maybe some day I will get to show you how I've changed and make it up to you. I hope I get that chance.

ok fine

We kept saying we were going to hang out. As of the day before, we were going to hang out. And then you don't text me and hang out with Nick instead. I know that you're phone wasn't working and you were tired and stuff. I get it. So whatever, I could care less about that now. Earlier, I literally was just telling you how I felt but that I understood and that I was over it. I was just trying to communicate my feelings instead of bottling them up. Because that's important in all types of relationships. And I was trying to be mature and just let it go. It really wasn't worth being upset about anymore so I let it go. But then you got mad at me. I hadn't even gotten mad at you. Honestly, why are you mad at me? I was hoping I could just get my feelings out and say I'm over it and then that would be it. What is the point. I even said I didn't want to fight, because I didn't. That's why I didn't text you all pissed and bitching you out and stuff. I could have done that. But I didn't because I knew it wouldn't be worth it and wouldn't help. I didn't want to waste more time being upset about something that won't matter in a week. So what I did, my clam approach to just saying how I felt, was at least 10 times better and yet you still got mad. Even now, I'm honestly not mad. So when you're done being mad about this, let me know. Oh and the sleepover has been moved to Monday at like 8ish. So if you want to, it would be fun if you came.

today > yesterday

Today has been good :) I got my license renewed, I got paid, I finished season 3 of the Walking Dead. And... I got accepted to Iowa State!!! I am so proud of myself. I actually cried a little when I found out. Is that bad? Probably not since I'm hormonal right now anyways :P Today definitely beats yesterday, when I was crying for bad reasons. It's crazy how a terrible day can be followed by such a good one. Guess it's just life showing us yet again about how we have no idea what is right around the corner. Maybe tomorrow will be an even better day? :)

regress

I want to start by saying that no matter how bad of a day I have, no matter how much I temporarily regress, I still know that there is no chance of us, at all, until things with you and her have ended. Then we will have a chance again and maybe it will go somewhere. But not until then. And who knows when that will be. I'm not waiting around.

But... I dunno. I still miss you and us. And.... I am still fully convinced that when the chance comes, we should give this another go. I think I've really learned a lot and I understand a lot more than I did. I can recognize when I'm being ridiculous better. Lord knows I can be ridiculous. I think we would be better than ever. And remember that date we went on in April? That was so great. That was really great. Before things with her got moving, we were moving closer to getting together. Remember that? Remember how at that point, if things didn't go well with her, we had a pretty decent chance of being together again before school was done? Well things did go well with her and now here we are, months later. You know, I am really curious about the chance of us being together before senior year is over. If there will even be an actual chance. I mean, 9 months is a long time. A lot could change. A lot could be different by the end of it. Junior year was that way. Maybe senior year will bring a lot of change too. But there is no way to know. No way at all. All we can do is live life and see where it takes us. Not just wait around and see what it brings. Live it. So while I really miss us, I'm still moving forward. I mean, I want us. But us is possibly somewhere in the future. Us is not now. Technically, anything can happen. Technically there is a possibility of us being together by sunrise. But that possibility is really small. And on the other extreme, there is the possibility that we will never be together again. Of course, my logical brain wonders if the possibility is the same on both extremes. I mean, it would make sense for both of the extremes to be unlikely, with then the middle situations being more likely. Does it work like that?   And another thing... not matter what happens between, whenever we hang out, it's just us. We are comfortable and being best friends and it's really great. Hanging out with you is really great. And for now, we are just best friends. But it's easy to see us taking that step farther again and being bf/gf. But ok I'll be done now.

Like I said, I know. No chance right now. ok bye

ss

you know what I don't get? If you're supposedly so happy, why are there times when you just won't smile? I guess there are probably times, like today, that something is wrong and you just don't want to talk about it. But there has been a couple times where you just won't. I dunno, I'm just saying. I still smile.

being Josie

I'm feeling oddly inspired to tell the world how much I love myself :P I've been blessed because I can honestly say that I really like myself. Having issues with self confidence... I've never really gone through that. I have no problem with saying that I'm beautiful. And I'm not afraid to be myself. I'll definitely admit that I'm not the most out going person by any means, but I never try to be someone else. I'm just me. I'm being me. I do what makes me happy, I wear what makes me happy. I mean, it can vary day to day, but generally, I think I'm pretty, and great, and just like myself. I'm not trying to sound full of myself; I know that I have flaws. I'm just... I dunno, not afraid to be myself. Maybe it's because I have been lucky enough to find a few people who truly like me for me and all that. I think I have a lot of good qualities about myself. And like I said, I know that I have some poor qualities too, but I like to think that the good outshine the bad. And honestly, sometimes I don't really get what people mean by like only sometimes being themselves. Like what? I don't know if I even know how to act like someone else. Because I'm just being Josie.

summertime memories

I'm kinda in a weird mood so maybe talking about the best memories from this summer will help

I think #1 probably goes to the weekend in Geneva. I seriously had so much fun and wish we could go back! I think it went beyond having not seeing people in like 2.5 weeks. I genuinely really liked everyone there and talking to them and hanging out. It was so much fun. I was really happy pretty much all weekend, and then some.

#2 would honestly probably have to be going to Valleyfair. It was so fun and laid back and just a really good time! We got a lot closer that day and I could actually really feel it. I really hope we get to go again because it was definitely a great day.

#3 is Winstock! I almost forgot about it since it was the very first weekend of summer! Roadtrip + Kip Moore + Luke Bryan = great girl time! It was a really good way to start off the summer!

#4 was probably Ouija. That night where he told us to run... freaky! It was such a cool, amazing, unique experience. We better do it again, soon!

And then there's vacation. It's in its own category. It was a set of memories I won't be forgetting any time soon. It was good family time that needs to happen a lot before I move out.

So overall, there's some pretty good memories from this summer. Of course, at the end of it, I always wish there could have been more. And this wasn't all of them. These were just the main highlights :P

senior pics

So I'm finally getting around to figuring stuff out for senior pictures :P finally :P aaaand I'm getting excited! :) And nervous :/ I hope I end up really liking them! I've been thinking about what I'm gonna wear and I have lots of ideas and no ideas at the same time. If that makes sense? It's a girl thing :P I just wanna hurry up and figure stuff out and do them and then see them. I better look beautiful! Haha :P I don't know if I'm even going to be able to do like serious ones, not gonna lie. I laugh too much! The thought of my serious face makes me laugh! Of course, that's if I can relax enough :P Maybe my bestest friend can go with me, if it works out? oh and btw I GOT A FREAKIN 29 ON THE ACT AND YA KNOW WHAT I GOT???? A "GOOD JOB" NOT A CAR. Gah sorry mini rant there :P

all the lasts

Senior year is going to be full of so many lasts. Last homecoming, last Friday night football game, last autumn, last Christmas, last snow day, last choir concert, last dress up days, last prom, everything. Our last days all together. We won't see at least half of these people ever again. Hopefully we will be lucky enough that things work out and us 4 can live together. Because I can't stand the thought of us growing apart. But anyways, this is our last year. There is no "well maybe next year." This is it. We gotta make it great, because it's our last chance. Our last chance to do everything we wanted to and make the most of every single day. Because all too soon, these days will be gone and we will never get them back. And who knows what all these days will bring with them. Who knows how different things will be in the end. So let's enjoy every single day and make the most of everything. All the lasts begin with the very first day. Let's make this year amazing :)

crazy one more time

I wish I would have seen your new blog sooner than today.... But yet, that is all in the past and we seem to be good now. Let's keep it that way because I missed you a ton! :)

G

I can't believe I missed seeing G again :(

so not much

I guess I don't really think there is much to say right now. Life is just chuggin along for the time being. I don't mean that in a bad way, I just mean that it's just going on, like life tends to do. And I just have to keep moving forward with it. And I'm gonna do my very best to have fun and enjoy it. I mean, this is our senior year. It's supposed to be the time of our lives, our glory days. It's time to raise a little hell. Well, until college anyways :P

listened

So if you guys saw this before I just now deleted what is used to say... oh well. It wasn't pretty but like I said, oh well. But anyways, I'm really glad that we talked. About all that. I think it was a good thing. And now hopefully things can get back to normal again. Because I've missed you.

T, yesterday was pretty fun. I'm really glad we have gotten to this point and I hope things just keep getting better. I missed you soooo much! Love you!

brave

...I think I'm getting on and moving along more than you guys realize. I mean I'll be the first to admit that a lot of times it seems like I'm split in 2, one half wanting to be over you and okay and on my own and the other half still missing you and wanting us just as much as 6 months ago. But, I'm getting there. I think the first step for me has been giving up. Giving up on us. Which was/is really hard because for so long, I truly believed we would be together forever. I really thought that this was it, that we would finally make it through everything life threw at us, together. So giving up on that belief is hard. But it's happening. Every day that goes by, it's fading. And at this point, unless something happens with you guys, which honestly who knows when and if it will, I've pretty much accepted the fact that I'm going to be single throughout senior year. And I'm coming to terms with that. I mean, it won't be that bad I guess. At least I'll have my best friend. And like I said, it's going to be great and fun and exciting, with or without you. And I really mean that. If everything changes again, and we actually end up together at some point this year, then great. I can honestly say that that would be great. But I'm not holding my breath. I realize it's a long shot and that it's a lot more likely that nothing will happen with us this year. I have to have fun by myself. I need to love myself and love my life. But then again, the school year is 9 months long, which is a long time, and a lot can happen within those 9 months. But like I said, things would have to really change again. Although, life has definitely proven to me that things can drastically change really fast. So who knows. But unless that change actually happens, I've gotta keep on going the path that I'm on. I don't have blind hope. I realize how things are. This year is honestly probably going to be crazy and a lot of growing up is going to happen. I guess we will have to see what that means and what the consequences are for that. But anyways, I just figured I'd update you guys about where I am with this since neither of you guys truly know. You guys have your thoughts about how I am doing, but now you know more about what's going on in my brain with this. I think I'm at the point where, for now, I've given up on an us. But I also think that if we ever got a chance again, whether that be tomorrow or 10 years from now, I'd take it. In a heart beat. But for now, I gotta keep doin me. Guess we will just see what God has in store.

nerves

I had anxiety this morning. I think it came from all the uncertainty.

just clothes?

so after a couple days of some shopping, I think I'm going to end up having a more edgy style this year, complete with lots of black, studs, and leggings. But they're just clothes... right? I can't tell if it's just my clothes getting a tougher look or if I'm getting tougher too. Thinking about it now, I think I'm getting stronger. Maybe my sudden likening to this edgy stuff is my strong, tough side coming through. Who knows, maybe I'll end up hating it all by November. Because in the end, they are probably just clothes and I'm just over analyzing yet another thing.

I wasn't mad, I wasn't trying to start anything, it just hurt my feelings. I'm sorry if I came off as being mad and bitchy and such. I know I sometimes have a hard time expressing my feelings well. Idk I just wanted to say something about it, even though I don't even know if you still look at this. But hey, it's in the past now. Forward ho :P

independent thinking

I'm not going to let us not being together affect my senior year. I'm going to have a blast, with or without you.

doin better

so I think I've been doing better today :) I'm really glad things with us, T, seem like they will go up from here. And I have plans with L tomorrow and I'm actually really excited. I forgot how much I like her! I hadn't talked to her since probably the end of my vacation and forgot how nice it is to talk to her. Maybe towards the end of summer, T and L and I could have a sleepover? It could be a lot of fun, especially right before the start of our senior year. Girl time with the 3 of us hasn't happened in seriously forever. I miss it! So we will see, it's up to you T. Let me know if fro yo next week still sounds good. I'll find out my schedule tomorrow so we can work something out then if ya want

conversation

it sounds like that conversation was long overdue so it's really good that we finally had it. This is probably going to be a lot of the same stuff that I already told you, but for some reason I feel like saying it again. I honestly didn't know that was going on but now things have been hashed out and I think we actually really needed it. I think now we can move forward. And that is what I have wanted all this time. Keeping it all bottled up clearly didn't do us any good and now we understand each other better and I think we both feel better. I'm going to do my best to use what you said and I really hope things get better from here. And I think fro yo or something next week sounds like a really good idea. I think it will help us get back to normal. Or back to normal-ish at least. I think the next few weeks are going to be full of steps forward

reach

I don't know what to do. I don't know if I should try to reach out to you or just keep waiting. I mean it's been almost a week again since we have talked. I don't know. I don't want to try talking and just have it make things worse again. Because I just want things better. So I just don't know. :(

my fault

I get it, it's seriously all my fault. But I'm so ready to have us move on and hang out and have fun together again. This is just my opinion, but I think hanging out might be a decent way to have things move forward. But that's still up to you and if you're ready. I guess it especially makes me sad because this is supposed to be the time of our lives. It's supposed to be so fun. So just let me know. I'm hoping it's soon but at this point I have no idea.      We are going back to school shopping at MOA Saturday... and if you're ready and don't mind getting up early, I'm sure you could come with? I get that it's probably got a small chance, but I figured it was worth a shot.

goodnight

if I got a goodnight text tonight, or any night really, holy shit that would make me really happy, you have no idea. Especially nights like tonight, where I've been sad and having a hard time. So yeah

pp

being a positive person is really hard when you don't really have that much to be positive about.

part two

so I ended up getting really off track and then never got back to the initial topic of school coming up again. I also didn't really have time since I had to go to work :P so here's some more.

Right now, I'm still really enjoying it being summer. I love summer. But at the same time, I am really excited for senior year! I am so ready to kick senior year's ass and have a blast. We are going to have the time of our lives. And then in a year, it's off to college and hopefully our living situation? :)

only a month left

Well, there is only a month left of summer. Yes, that's still a third of summer, but it's going to go by so fast. And looking back, I think it was a pretty good summer. It started off really great and I hope it ends the same way. So hopefully T is ready soon. Cuz I need her! It can't be a great end of summer without her! And Z, we neeeeeed to watch more Big Brothers, like really soon! Or we are never going to have a chance at finishing it :P And I know you work a ton this week, but surely there is some time we could hang out? Pleeease? Maybe we could go get ice cream again too? I'll treat ;) Oh and we also really need to go to valleyfair again too! Sounds like this week is out but next week? I wanna go at least twice before school starts. I could drive once too, if you will let me :P I just really wanna make the most of these last few weeks of summer.

I know we kinda already talked about this, but I'm gonna bring it up again. Remember back when I first got my job and we were having some trouble with our schedules working out so that we could spend time together? And we said we would make it work? And that part of making it work would be for me to be understanding and not get upset or bummed when it doesn't work out? I'm really glad that you think I have been doing a good job with that. I am proud of that :) I've been trying to be more easy going and let things go, and that is just confirmation that I have been doing well. And I try to be really nice about it when I ask you when would work for you and stuff like that. Because I'm trying to make it work. I guess it would just be nice if you could actually give me an answer when I ask. I know you are trying too, but it's hard to make plans with someone who doesn't tell me when will work. I'm not mad, and like I said, I know you are trying, but a little more effort from you would maybe make it easier for it to work. It would be easier if we could talk about it once, make set plans, and then hang out instead of me having to bring it up more than once and wait for you to let me know and all that. I guess it kinda makes me feel like you are waiting to see if you will get offers for better plans. And maybe you are. And I get it, staying in and watching a scary movie or watching big brother isn't the most exciting. But I think we always have a really good time with each other. And we could do other things too. I'm open to suggestions. We could go to wow for bowling or pool or mini golf or playing games. I would like that. I think it could be really fun.         I wish we could go on dates. Like the one we went on in April that was so great. Dinner and a movie. Or ice cream :P Or even make wow a date. In winter we could go ice skating. Maybe I'll even let you teach me to ski :P I dunno I think dates would be really fun but yeah.

Next time we hang out, I wanna have a kinda serious conversation. Don't worry, it's not about us, it's something personal. You're one of my best friends so I wanna have talks like this and I dunno I want you to know what I have to say about it.

ready?

So earlier my mom mentioned how I haven't really been going out lately... and asked why and stuff... It was really awkward. I just kinda lied and said I don't know and brushed it off... I'm not trying to rush you at all, take all the time you need, I still just really hope you are ready soon. Because this sucks. And I don't like lying to my mom but I also don't want to tell her everything. So yeah it's a tough situation. Because I really miss you and everyone and just going out in general. Besides Geneva, we haven't hung out in legit a month. And it suckssssss. Okay I'm done complaining.

So I was serious when I said that text made me actually smile. It pretty much made my day. :P Is that weird? I mean it wasn't anything that was really that much more special than normal. I think it was just the general enthusiasm you had. So yeah (:

rhogtuijwo

so... there really isn't much else I can say. But I really really miss you. Seriously, I'm really sad. But all I can do is just look forward to when you are ready. And I'm really hoping it's pretty soon. Because this sucks. And there is only a month left of summer and I really want to make the most of it, but I can't without you. But this is still about you and how you need space to heal and such.

lonely

so I'm going to start off by saying that I'm not mad or blaming or anything like that. I'm sure I deserve all of it. But... it's really sucked. I was gone for 2 weeks on vacation, I come back and have a really great weekend with you guys, probably the best of the summer, and then I haven't gone out since. I've hung out with Z twice, which has been really good, but I miss going out and hanging out with everyone. And tonight, Katie wants to do Ouija and I really want to go. But I won't because I know you don't want me there. Like I said, I understand, I've just been getting really lonely. And seeing the tweets sucks too. So I just can't wait for things to go back to normal. Or at least as close to normal as they can get. I hate missing out on things but right now, I don't really have a choice. So whenever you are ready, I'm right here. Oh, and I debated whether or not I should even blog... but then I figured that it's my blog, my safe space. You don't have to read it if you don't want to. And idk if you even are reading it still. If you are, the next part is gonna be about Z so you might not want to read it.

I love being best friends.... But I would love it even more if we were best friends and dating. That would be so great. I can see it now. Can you see it? It would be amazing. I want that so bad. I want us so bad. I miss us. I dunno maybe I want another heart to heart about us stuff. I like staying updated. As you know. I dunno I am in a weird mood and just want you.

ISU

The reason I'm still definitely applying to Iowa State is.... it's my way out. If everything here goes wrong, it's my way to get out of here and start over. If this town becomes nothing but a goodbye town, filled with the ghosts of my past, then I will have somewhere to go. Now, I really hope it doesn't come to that. It's honestly my last resort. I still really hope our living situation works out. That's what I want. I want there to be reasons to stay here. But it's not really up to me. You have the control. But now you know. Where I go is going to depend on my relationships with people here. Just 2 people, actually. T and Z. Truly, the most important people in my life, besides family.


...this is probably a fairly big reason why it seemed like I has shifted the focus from you to me. Because in my brain, I was trying to prepare myself for possibly a completely different life path. I know there is no excuse for it, I'm just trying to figure out what was going on with me and try to explain it to you. So yeah.

immbflc

I really hope that you are still looking at this. Because there is stuff that I really want to tell you, but I don't want to push too hard. I know you are probably needing some space right now and so you don't need me trying too hard.

I really miss you. I miss my best friend like crazy. I know I really messed up. I understand. I feel so bad about it. I just... want to let you know that I have been seriously torn up about this. And it sucks. I want my best friend back. But I know it's up to you. Because I hurt you. ....can we please try to get back to being best friends? Please? :( I guess that sounds pretty desperate, but I guess I kinda am. I love you

6 months.

Today, Saturday July 27th, marks 6 months since we broke up. That's half a year. That is such a large amount of time. And truly, it is bittersweet. Bitter because it makes me sad and I still don't go a day without missing us. But it is also a little sweet because we are now thisclose to being best friends and... I have made it this far. Emotionally, I have gone through so much but I am still here, head held high, stronger than ever. I mean, I still get sad. It happens quite often actually. Like yesterday at work, with all the roses for sale, I remembered last summer when you bought me some. And then I thought about how you probably bought Sena some and yeah that was rough. 

6 months ago, I had no idea that things would be the way they are now. It was really rough, to say the least. But I pulled through and things have gotten better. I had no idea what the next 6 months was going to bring, what life was going to throw at me.

I guess... I guess I just wish that we were moving closer to getting together. But you're in a relationship. And because of that, I know that we aren't going anywhere. And at this point, I can't wait for the day to come that we have a chance again and can work towards us again. I mean, yes, I still wish maybe some day was today, but even just us having a chance would be amazing. I want us so bad. I want to date my (almost :P) bestfriend. 

I guess we will just have to see what happens. I'm really curious about what all is going to happen in the next 6 months. Maybe by the end of it we will be dating? Who knows.

But there is one thing that hasn't changed, and never will. I love you :)

T

I know this will all probably take a fair amount of time... But I really hope we get back to being super good best friends again. Because, as cheesy as it sounds, I can't imagine life without you. Seriously, you're amazing and I love you. So I really hope we are able to move on from this and that things will go up from here. Maybe we could have some bonding time again soon? That would be great because I miss you!

forgiveness

I'm sorry. Please forgive me.

happy sad

9.3   That made me really happy :) The day yesterday was great and I seriously can't wait to go back. Can we pretty please go again soon?? Pwease? :)    we have been doing really well lately and have gotten quite a bit closer too. And that had definitely contributed to me being pretty happy recently :)

but... I really wish I could share it with my best friend. Not being able to talk to you and not knowing what is going on... it's starting to make me sad. I don't know what to do anymore. And I'm starting to worry that I'm going to lose my best friend.

head still spinning

So I had a really great day. We finally went to Valley Fair and it was a blast :) Even though I seriously was scared a lot... it was still really good, by the end I was definitely having fun on the rides too. So thank you! And... at one point when I think we were just walking around, I stopped and thought to myself... I can feel it... us being best friends. I felt like we were. But who knows if we actually are? :P

and then afterwards... big brother was good. One whole episode of it :P but hey, at least we finally started. And then.... I'm not exactly sure what happened.

ts

so I get it, you're going through some shit, but you could at least let me know before disappearing for days on end. You're not the only one going through things. And now I always start to freak out that you're avoiding me because there is something bad you have to tell me. Because that has been the case more than once. But whatever.

creating titles is hard

it's like... I kinda want to talk about this, but I don't want it to go poorly and mess things up. But... this weekend... with you and I... personally, I really liked it. :) surprise, surprise :P just... yeah :) And I have been actually pretty darn happy since this weekend, which is great :)

I keep having quite a few dreams about you lately. Who knows if there is actually a deeper meaning behind them or not, but I think they just mean that I miss you :P

summer has been going by too quickly! please slow down

cheers to the weekend :)

I'll be honest, going into this weekend, I really didn't know what to expect. I was hoping for the best, but I just didn't know how things would go. And now, I had a great weekend! It was so much fun. And I'm happy :) it probably went as good as it possibly could have. so yay!

relief

I understand that this is hard for you to deal with. I know it's disappointing when you are expecting something to happen and then it doesn't. But once you get through this, you will see that this is for the best. Your life will be so much easier. One day, you guys will have a baby and it will be worth the wait. So let's try to get through high school and at least 1 year of college before babies get brought into our world? Let's make that a goal? For both of us.     ya know, I was really afraid that our living situation would be ruined. I was sad about that too. I was also really sad because it probably would have meant losing my best friend. Not through choice, but just because a baby takes up a lot of time and so you wouldn't be able to hang out and do everything and such. So I'm really glad that you aren't. I know that is selfish, but I was also thinking of you and how much your life would have changed. And now we are going to have a great weekend! :)

h/p

so in case y'all didn't notice, I've kinda been having a hard time since getting home. I think reality just really set in again and everything was real again. Yeah yeah, reality never left. But when you are almost a thousand miles away on vacation, you're away from it all. It kinda seemed like life had stopped. Except it didn't, it kept right on. And now I'm back and sprinting to catch up. And it's hard to be away from everyone. It makes things weird. I haven't seen any of my friends in 2 weeks. So tomorrow will be really great. Honestly... I dunno, I think it will be one hell of an interesting weekend. Sunday night, once we all are home again, that's when we can see the outcome of the weekend together. But hey, at least for now, I think I'm doing better. I think our conversation did help in the end. I mean, the reason is a pretty big one, but at least it is the only one. So the positive is that there isn't a bunch of other stuff that would have to be worked out. Just like how there are some positives to this whole situation. It has made me stronger. It has made me more aware of my actions and how they affect other people. We have become really good friends and I really love that. It has made us closer. It helps things now, and if maybe someday happens, it will help make us even better then too. And... I have a better idea of how to be a better girlfriend to you. So again, if maybe someday happens, that will really help us be better than ever. I... know that I need to realize when I have a good thing and to just be happy. Like what the hell was I doing this winter. Being sad for really no reason. Being sad doesn't help. So I really try to find positive and focus on that. I don't try to be negative. Sometimes it just happens. But I do try to get out of it. You should know that. Even on vacation, I was sad for a bit but I still smiled and got better. And even after our conversation today, during which I cried yet again, I smiled after it. I still get sad but then I get happy again. And if you were mine again, I wouldn't take that for granted or not realize what I had. I would be so happy just because we were together. I don't know what I'm trying to get at. I just want you to know that I do do my best to stay positive and be happy. I know that both of those things help situations. And now I've just kinda been stuck here for 10 minutes er so. I feel like I have more to say, but I'm not coming up with words and sentences to type out. I dunno, like I said, I don't know what I'm trying to accomplish with this. Just letting you know I guess. Because I know that at this point, it doesn't change anything. Maybe someday. I love you

all of it.

I still see it all in my head.

I still remember the very first time I talked to you. I was actually kinda nervous but excited at the same time, and I remember that as it went on, I started getting giddy. I got butterflies. It was a Monday night and you were watching football.

I remember you asking me out for the first time and even then, it made me so happy.

I remember being in Iowa for Thanksgiving the following week and how we already wanted to tell each other we love each other. But we wanted to wait and do it in person.

I remember the very first time you told me those 3 beautiful words. I love you

I remember our first kiss. My first. I think it was just as awkward as any junior high first kiss. But I mean that in a good spirited way. I still remember the way it felt.

I remember those first times we went over to each other's houses. I don't know about you, but I was really nervous. At the time, I didn't know that your house would one day become almost like my second home.

I remember you giving me doggie. He has had an almost permanent residence on my bed and in my arms ever since.

I remember this last time we dated, that day in Fairmont together where we both seemed to know that something was going to happen. You asked me out again. And it was really sweet and cute and I still remember sitting in the truck on the first of many sketchy gravel roads, reading that note you wrote me.

I remember our first time. I was completely 100% comfortable with you. And it felt so good to trust someone so deeply. Sorry for how sexual that sentence ended up being :P My first time was a really good experience. The sex might not have been that good, but it was the very first time for both of us. And we got a lot better.

I remember our last time. It might not have meant anything to you, but it still meant something to me.

I remember last summer. We were together a lot and we were so in love. I remember those nights driving with you and holding hands and being able to feel our love and think that we would be together forever. That this was it. We finally made it. I remember being so incredibly happy with you.

I remember how right and amazing it felt to just be in your arms.

I remember all the times you did really sweet things for me. You were an amazing boyfriend.

I remember our date that was now about 3 months ago. We were us again. We were really happy and in love.

I remember it all too well. And I think that is why I can't seem to give up and move on.

I cried pretty much this entire time typing this. I wouldn't give any of it up for the world and I would give anything to have it again. I miss us so much.

I still love you so much.

If only you were as ready to jump back into us as I am.

wakdvlk

when we are actually together in person.... it's really great. I think we both know that. We both have a good time. It's also like we are close to us. We don't go there, we can't go there. But we get close. We are happy. Like when you were over right before I left... getting ice cream... I dunno. We could be really good and cute and yeah. I still want us. Which you know. So I really don't want us hanging out to change. I want it to be like that.

Our honest conversation.... I love how we can be serious and talk openly and be honest. I mean some of it sucked to hear but other bits made me feel kinda good.

I just... now that I'm back... Idk I kinda feel hopeless... and I just wanna go cry. Bye.

much needed.

...some times I hate how I.. we.. fell so deeply in love so young. (it's the young part I'm talking about, not the falling in love part. That part I love.) Because now what if things don't ever work out for us? I'm going to spend my whole life trying to find something that lives up to, or maybe even exceeds, our love. And I am really afraid that I will never find it. I'm afraid that you will always be the one that got away.


because lately... I don't know if it will work out. I really want it to, but there's 2 sides, 2 people involved in whether or not it happens. And I don't know what you want. Maybe we were just busy, but I don't know if that was all it while I was gone. We haven't seen each other so it's easier for things to get distant... But you seemed to start to get colder again. Like in a not wanting me way. I don't know if that makes sense. Maybe I should just say that while I was gone, the way you were had/has me thinking that our chance is growing smaller and smaller. Maybe I am jumping ahead of things. But it makes me sad. But like I said, maybe it's was just the hundreds of miles and busy schedules. I really hope that that was what it was. I want us to go back to normal now. Please?

backkkk

so finally, vacation is over. It got to be really long and a couple days ago, I was already beyond ready to come home. And now I am here! Life can begin again. And I'm really excited for this weekend. Seriously I think it will be fun, and if anything, it will be nice to see you guys and to get away from my family.

so........ I guess it actually kinda ya know really sucks that I was gone for almost 2 weeks and you didn't miss me... I don't even mean miss me as in like miss us, I just mean that we are pretty good friends who haven't seen each other in a while miss me. Like the way I miss T. I mean, I miss us too but when I said that I miss you, I just meant in a friend way. Because I know you don't miss us. I just thought maybe you would miss me but I guess you don't. Or if you did, you didn't say so. And that sucks.

I have seriously really missed blogging. I have had lots of feelings to vent out.

vacation

I am excited to go.... but I'm really going to miss being home and seeing everyone.

I'm especially going to miss you. I love you <3 .="">

4th

I love America, I love being an American. I am so proud of that.

But today just didn't.... it wasn't as good as last year. I really enjoyed last year. And today was just ok. I tried, I really did. I want "perhaps someday" to be "right now". So yeah.

You have to admit that this morning I was really trying. I even smiled at you, didn't I? And we were talking about our competition for once we move in together... And I was actually really enjoying that conversation... until it took a bit of a turn... Then I really did start to feel bad and sad and embarrassed and yeah. I just always felt bad about that so yeah.

I kinda want to have an honest talk soon. So basically tomorrow since I'm about to leave. About like situations and what you think is going to happen in the near to far future and yeah... But I'm scared that I'm not going to hear what I want to... and I'm pretty sure I'm not going to... because honestly.... the longer things go on... the more time that goes by... the less likely it seems like anything is ever going to happen for us... but at the same time.... technically that "maybe someday" could be getting closer every day too. So I don't know. I kinda wanted to say that in person to get your thoughts on it but it just kinda poured out. Maybe I will still bring it up. I don't know. I'm still just scared to hear what I'm pretty sure you're going to say.

date?

we both know that our date was really great. I might even go as far as to say that it was amazing. It was so great. But that doesn't even matter. And that sucks.

.....................please don't be in love with someone else

lyrics

and I guess I'll always have this longin' in my heart, and you'll have a piece of me

jfdvklahf sad.

So earlier I was really sad... Like I full on cried for a little bit... I was just... really sad about our situation. About how we can't be together and any chance of us being together is probably still really far away. And that sucks. I just.... have always been really afraid of losing you. And if you fall in love with someone else.... then that chance of us is probably gone for ever. And that makes me really sad. Really really sad. But I tried to pull myself out of the sadness and I think I was able to. So that's good. But yeah. I get really sad about things sometimes. As you probably know.

cool

I seriously wasn't trying to be cool. It was just new and exciting so of course I wanted to talk about it. I didn't realize you would respond so negatively. It hurts that you didn't believe me either. I just don't know what to do at this point. I just... feel like I have hurt us and that kills me.

parts

so I want to start off with saying thank you for coming over tonight. seriously, it was really good. you've been a really good friend. Seriously. I love you

now... before I get into this... I don't want it to affect anything negatively. Because I really do greatly enjoy spending time with you still and we are almost best friends and that is really great.

so... there is a part of me that... keeps hoping that one of these times we hang out, you will realize that I am better, that we are better, and that you will want us back again.

And then there is a part of me that is telling the other part that it is stupid.

And honestly, I don't even know if that situation from the first part is even possible. I think we are great. I think we deserve another chance. But you are the deciding factor. And so far you haven't picked me.

and now I'm going to go back to trying to push all those thoughts into a corner and not go there and try to be happy.
I love you.

blow

you realize you are totally blowing me off two nights in a row, right? We pretty much had plans to have a sleepover at least one of these nights. Whatever.

creeping back in.

so I've been doing pretty good lately, being happy and such. But right now the sadness is creeping back in. Honestly it's because I know you're with her. That was the trigger. I just get sad thinking about you guys together. And I get jealous. That she gets to spend so much time with you. That she gets to date you. Because I know how great it is. To spend time with you. To be yours.

great

well in case y'all couldn't tell, I have actually been quite a bit happier lately. To the point where I would even say I have been pretty happy. It's been pretty great. But then there was today. Today was probably the worst day in a while, and for good reasons. My great grandma passed away this morning. Now we weren't close at all; in fact I haven't seen her in years. But I remember her. I know who she is. It's still a death inside the family. And I don't know how I am doing with it. It also goes deeper than this. It has me thinking about how it probably isn't all too far off until someone closer to me passes away. That sounded dark but I don't mean it as a bad omen or anything, I just mean that a couple of my just grandparents are starting to get up there. Although they aren't quite that up there. But yeah. It's just sad. So I've been sad from that and then also with miss-communications of the day. But in the end, thank you for coming. I know this time of hanging out wasn't the best, but it was really nice to just have you here. You were really there for me tonight and thank you for being such a great friend. Seriously, you're great. I love you

8.7

that made me happy :) even though I probably would have put it a little higher after everything that has happened in the past couple days :P

seriously, when we hang out, it's really great. I think we both know it is really great. We have such a good time and it's so relaxed and comfortable.... And I'll be honest... especially last night... I could really see us again. I could see that it would be pretty easy to just be us again. Maybe you saw that too.

dlkfjlek modj

The way you responded to what all I said last night... that was really great. That was probably the best it could have possibly gone. Thank you. For seeing my point of view and for apologizing. And for saying you won't be mean like that again. Because that was bad.

And then thank you for tonight. It was really good. I had a really good time with you and I really needed that. Oh and you seriously give the best hugs ever. Even though it got sad at the end, it was still really good.

I love you

I am hurting.

where to begin....

maybe I'll start with exactly what the title says. I am hurting. You keep treating me like shit when other people are around. A little bit of teasing is okay, but you have gotten mean. I have built up a pretty strong wall against people's words... but you have kept tearing me down little by little and now I am at my breaking point. I have to stand up for myself. Tonight you called me names, including ugly, and said you didn't really care about me. How do you think that makes me feel? Pretty damn bad. ...I've cried more than once since getting home. Partly because of what you said, but partly because I knew I had to finally do something about it and I don't know how this is going to turn out. I really really really hope this helps and that things get better. Because I still really don't want to lose you. But if you keep this up, you are going to lose me completely. Maybe you don't want that, maybe you do. I honestly don't know anymore. So doing this is scary. But I don't deserve to be treated like I'm nothing. I am something. You used to tell me that I'm great and pretty and all that and now I'm getting the exact opposite words from you. When other people are around. When it's just you and me, you are good. This sucks. I'm just sticking up for myself. I want things to get better. I really really do. If there is anything I can do to help you, let me know. But know that things cannot continue like this. I cannot keep getting torn down by you. It hurts. It really hurts. I just want to be treated decently.

and yet somehow through all of this, I still love you. I really do.

sticking

you always hear about how people marry their best friend... now that we have gotten a lot closer as friends and are actually getting pretty close to being best friends... I really want that.... maybe that's why I am sticking around....

down by the river

When I think about you and her together... it makes me really sad.

When I think about you and I together... it makes me really happy....

until I remember her.

I sound like a giant bitch.

I'm sorry

getting closer

Last night with you was really fun. I had a good time. I thought we had gotten closer and then when you said 8.5, it was confirmed :) I really like this best friends side to us. I seriously do. But I still wish there was the bf/gf side too. I think that if we got back together, having both sides will make us really strong. And ya know, you always hear about how people say they married their best friend.

and that "hey there beautiful".... well that made me feel pretty great, once I knew it was actually for me, because honestly, my first thought was that you accidentally sent it to me instead of Sena... sorry!

Oh and by the way, as far as I could tell, there is nothing bad inside you :P

I'm trying to keep smiley around

hey there

:)

miss you

oh blogging, how I have truly deeply missed you! time for a good post!

see you probably thought the title was going to be about you and then I actually said I miss blogging so you are probably now confused. Especially since the title is actually kinda about you :P

so Saturday was probably the craziest day of the summer so far. Because first I got informed that you had cheated on me... and I honestly didn't really believe it. That's why I talked to you about it. T kept telling me to turn off my phone so I could avoid an argument but I had to hear your side first. And it's a good thing I did because it ended up being false. You have no idea how relieved I was. Seriously I was so glad. This is why I get your side of the story before I go too far into it with craziness :P Because I couldn't believe that you would do that to me. And turns out that you didn't and so it's all good. Seriously at that point, I hardly even cared that you had lied about it and that it happened, I was just so glad that it wasn't when we were together. Because that probably would have been a deal breaker. I couldn't be with you again if you had cheated on me. I mean, I'm still happy that you apologized for lying about it... but why did you lie? Why wouldn't you just tell me? Afraid I would judge? Or what? So then that settled down and I was a lot happier. A little retail therapy also helped, not gonna lie. I bought the prettiest bra I now own. And if we ever date again... I think you will really like it. Kinda makes me feel like a VS model :P So anyways after pretty much crashing a grad party, we headed out to the lake with Katie. Honestly it was so gorgeous out there, I wanna go back! Then after that, off to Katie's. Once it got late, that's when shit got real. We talked to Conner again. First it was Katie and I at the end of the driveway by the road. And it was seriously the coolest thing ever. We were actually talking to someone else; someone else was moving it and giving us answers. But then he told us to run. That was scary. We obviously listened to him and ran like hell out of there. But now looking back, what if we hadn't asked him if there was anything he wanted to tell us? Would he still have told us to run? What would have happened if we hadn't ran? So right after this we were all pretty freaked out but once we calmed down again, we just had to talk to him some more. This time it was K and T. And this is when everything got really freaky. Conner told us so much. He told us that he is protecting us from the bad stuff. He also said that the bad spirit some of them talked to is still inside them to some extent. It said that it had tried to possess Z and that it almost did. It even brought up the no soul thing. Which then makes sense why Z would be the one to get possessed. He apparently has no soul so it would then be easier for it to take over. It also said that Z would maybe be safe to leave and go home and when we asked why he wouldn't be, he said car. Which was freaky because we all know that Z is a crazy driver. To an extent at least, because he's never been really unsafe about it. But it was still freaky. The fact that it is still inside him is what got everyone sketched out the most I think. I'm not gonna lie, right after we found all this out, I was sketched out by it all and didn't know about being around you and all that. Now I wasn't there for Tuesday when he apparently almost got possessed, but I heard that it was scary and I'm actually really glad I wasn't there to see it. That would have super freaked me out. I was already freaked out. But then I thought about it more, and we have never had anyone show any signs of it or do anything weird outside of when we were actually doing Ouija. And Conner is protecting all of us. And then I remembered Wednesday. How I had been alone with Z in the car for quite a while and nothing ever struck me as weird or freaky. The weirdest part was probably just that we weren't together. I still felt totally safe. I had already been alone with him after it happened and I was totally ok. So why should I worry about being alone with him now? Although it seems like it may be quite a while until it's just him and I alone again. Which sucks. I really like hanging out with him.

Okay now is when it gets real. The next morning after we all had left Katie's, she looked up her house records. And she found Conner's family. The dates, the last name, it all matched up. Conner is real. We weren't just subconsciously moving the thing ourselves, making up Conner, just because we really wanted it to work. Oh and here is the freakiest part... They never found his body after he died... scary!

I know I have already lectured you on this, but please, don't talk to any more bad spirits. I don't think any of us should and we should always say goodbye as soon as we know it isn't good. Because like I said, anymore I'm not really scared of current situations or even for myself. I'm scared for Z if he talks to another bad spirit. What if next time he actually gets fully possessed? None of us will have any idea of what the fuck to do. I know you are smart. Please be smart. I care about you and don't want anything bad to happen to you.

I still really think that Saturday especially made our friendship stronger. I felt like I got closer to everyone that was there. And that includes you Mr. 8.3 :P

Oh and I've been trying to make plans with you for almost a week now... can we pretty please finally make some plans? Please? I know you're busy but I've been waiting patiently for quite a while now to get the chance to even make any plans. I understand, but it sucks.

I couldn't say that the title isn't about you because that would make me a fucking liar. I don't think I've actually said this to you recently but I'm sure you still already know it. I miss you. I still really miss us and really hope some day we are together again. I know that at this point, things just have to run their course. I guess I just wish they were running it faster.    Maybe I'm delusional but I really think there is a future for us.