talking

I just wish he would talk to me. Like come on. We are going to talk about this sooner or later so why can't it just be now. I did at least get to ask how it went...... and he said it went good.... But he called T and he didn't sound like himself. He sounded like really down, definitely not like he was happy and such. So like what the hell. I don't know what to think at this point and he won't talk to me and it sucks. So much is running through my head right now. It's so confusing because he said it went well but then he sounded down and doesn't want to talk. GAH. Like I just want to know what's going on. At this point, honestly I kinda think what ever is going to be said is going to be bad as far as him and I go. But I guess I never know until we actually talk and I have no idea when that will be. I just need to know, whether it is good or bad, I have to know. I can't move anywhere if I don't know what's going on. I just hate this. I think at this point it is going to be bad but I still want to know. I need to know. I need to know if I'm going to be happy or go cry. Telling me later won't save me any hurt. I don't know maybe he's just trying to process things... which I mean I get... But I still wish I knew. Maybe he will look at this later or early tomorrow but who knows. I just need to get all this out now. I need to know things and it's killing me that he won't even talk to me. Gah. It going good probably has set us back quite a ways.... a while seems to be getting farther and farther away. And it sucks. So much. Relationships can last anywhere from a week to a year. UGH. I know I was jumping ahead of myself there because who knows if that will actually happen. But yeah.
I guess on a brighter-ish note, it was still only a first date.... lots of time for something to go terribly wrong :P
And gah I don't want to be that terrible person that wants things to go badly in a relationship for someone.... but I kinda do wish something will ruin things for them. Which sounds terrible! I know it does and I almost just want to delete it right now. But who am I kidding.
I guess I just have to know that we have something special and hope that it stands up to whatever is thrown at it.... I really hope it does... I love him. So much.





I don't know what to do.

stars start to start stars

Well I'm sitting here eating my Laffy Taffy. Nom nom nom ;)

So I had a good night tonight. It was fairly simple but it was still nice. So I am going to bed happy tonight. Tomorrow will be harder though. Not because nothing happened tonight, but because he has his date tomorrow. So I am going to do my best to stay distracted. Which hopefully won't be too hard since I think T and I will be having a fantastic day tomorrow. So there's that to look forward to. I'm going to be ok. It will be ok. Guess we will have to see what the situation is in a day from now. All will be well.

But for now, things are good. I promise

what ifs

Honestly, he's the only what if I really have. And it's not like I haven't allowed myself to have other what ifs, because I have gone through and thought about if there are other what ifs and there's just not. Maybe it's a little confusing that I say he's my what if so I'll explain some. I keep wondering about what if I had been better. What if I had gotten out of my rut and been really happy. What if I had seen any of the signs that may or may not have even been there. Those are my what ifs. And I do get it, the wanting to get rid of the what ifs. Just kinda sucks too. But I am trying so hard to do my best.

Last night we had a fairly lengthy conversation on the phone... and I am really glad that we did. I think it helped, I don't know about him though. And he told me that he reads this. Probably won't be too long until he's reading this post too :P At first, I was really really surprised. I had no idea he even remembered I have a blog. And then I was scared. Because on here, I let my thoughts flow. I just write what I'm feeling and thinking and some times that isn't very nice. So I was scared that it had hurt us. So of course I was very relieved when he said it had only helped. If it helps, then go ahead. I just didn't want it to negatively affect things between us. I don't know, I think I am still processing all that was said last night... But I have a feeling it is going to be a good day :)

I'm trying, so hard

So last night I gave in and texted him saying I miss him... and a while later I got back a "goodnight I love you" which honestly has thrown me off. Because today he still hasn't texted me... this morning I said I still miss him and more than an hour ago I just said hi. So I don't get what is going on. He still cared enough to text me once and even include an I love you which I seriously love getting. And we have talked a few times in person too. Like today we did a kinda flirty poking thing. But then he won't text me. So tonight after our concert (oh joy, because I felt so great after the last one. not.) maybe like 45 minutes to an hour after it, if still nothing, I am going to confront him and ask him why he's not texting me. And we were supposed to hang out tomorrow night but I don't know what he thinks about that now. I really really really really hope we do. We need to connect again. I miss him. If he just hasn't really wanted to talk, he could have just said so. It would have been better than this. I hate all this guessing. Why are boys so dumb sometimes?

And T, I know you have said that I need to give him an ultimatum. But I just can't. Not now at least. Because even though last I knew there was still a 75% chance for us, I don't think I would win and I couldn't stand losing him. I just want us back. Seriously, we have something special. We were so great and happy together. I just hope that stands up to everything and is enough. He needs to realize it.

missing

I miss you. So much.
I miss us. A lot.
Can I have my second chance yet?

silence this loud

So we were talking last night after my orientation for a while and I asked/mentioned about what we should do Friday and he wasn't sure and stuff and I said to let me know, he said he will, and I said good :) and he said yes(: so that's good right? but then like 2 texts later he stopped texting me back... and I get it was kinda the end of a conversation but still... And I decided I'd just wait for him to text me back... but he hasn't yet. And it sucks because I know he's texting plenty of other people, just not me. I'm not sure what to think of it. And I know that really trying to pull him in will only push him away. So I don't know what to do. How long do I wait before I text him? I hate this. I thought we were past weird days like this. I hate feeling like I'm back to where I was 2 months ago. Maybe it's nothing but idk. I wish he would text me. He works this afternoon I'm pretty sure but he's usually done around 9 so I guess we will see then.... But what if it gets to be like 10:30 and he still hasn't texted me? Should I say something? Like I miss you or a goodnight text or what? This is all too complicated. I hate it.

gorhigkjfdlkghkj

So I guess he has a date this weekend. Not with me.

And like I get that it's better for him to get all the what if's done with now because later it would just cause problems. But it still really sucks. I honestly thought that this stuff was past; I thought it was all done with. I thought we were getting closer. And I do think we are... but like yeah this sucks. I wish he had asked me on a date. But maybe it won't go well. I just... I hope I'm good enough. We have something really special. And I mean he still has been hanging out with me and saying he loves me and he wouldn't do that if he was even a little serious about someone else.... I guess if anything this just means that a while is still a really long ways away.

want want want want

I just want to be with you!!!!

12 weeks

so now it is 12 weeks. That's kinda a long time! It's a pretty long time! He does these cute sweet little things that are just great. It makes me feel special. I love spending time with him. Even if it's just a little bit here and there. It's still great