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I should have bought myself flowers haha...

Crazy day

I don't just start off assuming it has to do with me. I need a reason to think that before I ever do. Your un-interested texts came across as something was wrong. So I asked if you were okay, which to me is almost synonymous to "what's bothering you". You said you were okay so I was like okay it's probably not something else. So I asked if you were holding your tongue, pertaining to our conversation. And you said maybe. Which was as close to a confirmation as I had gotten so I followed that. I asked you to tell me. I wanted you to tell me. Something I said had caused something in you and you wouldn't say anything about it. So I went back to our conversation, not knowing that's what it was and wasn't at the same time. I figured you had a hurtful opinion that you were holding in because honestly that's usually what you are holding back. And then I tried letting you know that I wanted to stop whatever it was, but I couldn't if you wouldn't tell me what it was. And you said you know so I took that as further confirmation that it was something about me. And then I tried saying it's done, it's in the past, let's move on. And then you said maybe it has absolutely 0% to do with me. So I thought it wasn't about me but then right after you said that it still wasn't confirmed that it wasn't me. So then I really didn't know what to think since you had more or less told me it was simultaneously both me and not me. That was the worst part. It felt like you were playing mind games with me. I felt trapped. You seemed mad at me for assuming it was about me, even though you had said things to make me think it was in fact. And then after the fact you finally told me what it was. Which ended up being me talking about something that then made you feel down about your own situation. And you still had told me to not just assume it's always about me. I fucking know that. But when you say maybe it's me and don't confirm that it's not me, what else am I supposed to think. You plant the seeds. I tried getting you to tell me. I tried in the beginning with asking if you were alright. I tried ending the whole situation. I tried so hard. I couldn't win. I told you why I would assume it's me, my reasons and everything, and you still ended up telling me not everything involves me. All this over me just thinking aloud. I wish you would have just said something about what it was in the beginning. I was clearly rambling. You could have just been like ya I'm bummed I'm not getting one and I would have stopped. Didn't matter to me to keep talking about it or not but I had no idea. I tried to have you tell me so I could have stopped. But oh well I guess. I just wish we could have communicated better. It would have solved everything if I could have just known it was me or not. I don't know why you were so stubborn about it. The back and forth. I feel bad about what I did but ugh. I would have stopped. Oh well. Done with now 

But I try

I try to improve myself. I do. I try not to take things personally and not get into dumb things. It's hard though. Changing a way of thinking is hard. Sometimes I feel like a train wreck. One car falls off the tracks and soon half a dozen others have followed it's path. Sometimes I put salt in my own wounds. I can be hard on myself to the point of almost being damaging. And I still haven't been able to control myself. It's hard. It's all just hard. It's hard that it's hard. But I do try. It's not fun to get upset about things. 

Lotto

I couldn't go to bed without first writing about what I would do if I won the lottery. If I suddenly won hundreds of millions of dollars. First off would be to pay off my car, my loans, and any other bills I have going. But even that would be pocket change in comparison to the massive sum of money I would have. I would probably treat everyone to a vacation to Hawaii. Gotta stay in the States because we would be going before passports could be taken care of. I mean honestly, I don't know if I would quit hyvee or not. Obviously I wouldn't need the money but I really do like my little hyvee family. It would be weird to just leave it. I would probably finish out the semester at msu and then who knows. My summer would probably include a lot of time outside of Minnesota. I would travel so much. Surprise surprise right :P I would also do things though. Like fly out to Boston to watch a baseball game. Just for the hell of it. Just because I could. Go to a concert in some awesome city. Take us back to charleston. Go back to nyc. Finally visit the west coast. Buy a really nice house. Go back to the mountains. Go back to the beach. I would do things with my money as much as possible. Do things that I otherwise wouldn't necessarily be able to afford. I would help fund projects that I believe in too. Give back to the community. Maybe not a lot, but if there's something I really want funded, I would step up and see to it that it happens. I don't even know what all you could even do with that much money. It's almost impossible to even imagine. Perhaps I would open franchises. Invest my money. Oh my gosh I could build my own pottery studio. That would be amazing. I would also buy a really nice camera so that when I travel, I could document it all. Pictures to last instead of just memories to fade.