hard

....this is all so hard. The past week and a half have been so hard... Because he has pulled away... He's moving on... he said as much... and that one hurt so bad... He is asking someone else to prom... which really sucks.... I am having such a hard time moving on.... it hurts so bad.... I really don't want to fall into depression but honestly idk. Hopefully things get better soon. Otherwise I don't know how much more I can bend until I break... I really miss him and us.... I was so happy... Seriously, I was. And now I'm not. T, I get it when you say that it won't get better until I believe it will... but anytime I try to be hopeful things are going to turn around, they just get worse. Things have just gotten harder. Not easier. I still want us back. It's gone from "getting back together is the plan" to "if we are meant to be, we will get back together, if we don't, then we aren't meant to be". And that sucks. But honestly... I guess things have to get worse before they can get better... I hope things are on the way to getting better... I want to be okay again... But I have a feeling that really he wanted to break up so that he could see what else is out there... date other people... Because now there is this Sara chick and I bet they are going to end up going out... Which hurts really bad... I just hope our love stands strong and that I am still the best... but honestly I don't know. I have plenty of issues. But he loves me. So hopefully.... But I am really scared that we will never be us again. But something else I have noticed... now being Juniors in high school... relationships seem to usually last a long time... like months.... so if he were to go out with someone else, which I guess I don't know if he even will get to that point, bright side comment, it will probably last a while... But at least last I knew of, he doesn't even want a girlfriend. Who knows. Maybe if he does go out with someone else and once he's actually into it, maybe he will realize that it's weird and that he misses me and wants us back. It could happen. I hope it happens. But we never know what life will bring our way, obviously. We just have to know that God has a plan for us and only gives us what we can handle. But all I know is that I came home and cried, pretty damn hard, for almost an hour.

erm

I hope seeing each other all the time again will help things... Idk I think I have probably been pushing things too much.... I think it's time to start letting go and just going with the flow... As much as it hurts to say it... because I still really miss us and want us back... But ya I can't force things...

trying

I mean on the bright side, at least we have already made progress. And I know this next thing is focusing on the when but whatever. Its not like Z is going to see this anyways. If we get back together in June some time,  that means by like 4 months from now we will be together... and I have already made it through 1 month. So maybe, hopefully, we are a fifth of the way there. I really hope so.... when I think about us, I think about special happiness, happiness that I really really want again.
And honestly, even all the honesty today from him is probably a good thing. It will help us be on a better track.
I hope March goes better than February.

feeling

I hate feeling like this. So sad and heartbroken. I hate feeling like I have no control over anything. I hate not having anything to look forward to. I hate feeling alone. I hate how I don't know how to feel better. I hate feeling rejected. I hate how I really want something that I don't know if I can ever have again. I hate not being able to ask about things. I hate not being able to feel better. I need you to save me. But I know that you won't. And I hate that. I hate not being yours.

rock bottom

.....I feel like I have hit rock bottom again. He says that I need to stop asking about us and smothering him and trying to make us better.... that I need to just live life... and that if we are meant to be, eventually we will be. But he doesn't know if we are meant to be. Right now, I just don't know what to do. I mean I do understand a lot of what he was saying... but like I still just want to be together. This all sucks. Still. And I don't think it's going to get better any time soon. I guess I kinda feel like everything has changed again and I have to stop doing a lot of the things I have been doing... and it sucks because I have no control. He knows that no matter what, he will get what he wants. I don't know if I will. And he says that our car visits will maybe have to stop. That it depends. But he won't tell me what. And that sucks because those have been the highlights of my life the past 4 weeks. So I don't want them to end. But maybe it would help. Idk. I just wish I knew if all this is going to be worth it in the end. I am so afraid that he will be the one that got away.
I miss us so much.

ily

Grr I love you. Seriously. So much. Last night we ended up talking and such for about an hour in person. And it was great. I knew it was going to be great the moment I got into his back seat and he put his arm around me right away. Don't judge, it's not as sketchy as it sounds. And yeah... it was so great. He's so great. I really want us to be us, be together. He said he misses us too... but that he's trying to move on... which isn't as bad as it sounds, I mean I am trying to move on too... But it was like grr then why aren't we together? And he said that he will always love me "whether we get married and have a shit ton of babies or go our separate ways and never talk again". He said I will always hold a special piece of his heart. Which I mean is really sweet and I love that, but I don't want to think about the possible future of us never being together again. I really don't want this to be the end. Oh and get this. Y'all know about how this week his been really ehh with us and half the time it seemed like he didn't even talk? Well he got me something while in  Myrtle Beach... and it was actually thoughtful too. I seriously love it. I was really surprised. It shows that he had been thinking about me... like he really didn't have to do it, I wasn't expecting it at all. So blah. I mean I love that he did it, I love being with him, we still have such a good time together, but he says it just takes time. That I need to be patient. Blah. Last night when we were together it did seem like he does want to be together again eventually. Which is good. And then today I asked him if he thinks its possibly that we will be together by Johnny Holmes and he said "ya maybe" so I think that that's really good too. And he said stuff last night about going on and living my life and I think I am doing that. I mean I still have really been hanging out with people and doing stuff and yeah. I can't believe it has already been 4 weeks. I mean obviously parts of it has dragged sooooo slow but looking back now, wow did they go fast... I hope that is a good thing... So far, the longest we have ever been broken up for is just under 10 weeks... so it will be interesting to see how things are when that 10 week mark comes along. I am really curious to see how the next 4 weeks go. And another good thing, he said that I have been doing a good job these past 4 weeks. So that was really good to hear. I just have a hard time being patient so hopefully this idk. Hopefully time goes pretty quick and hopefully we get back together relatively soon... I honest have no idea how long it will be. I just really hope that we are together by the end of June, which I think is realistic. But who knows.