And I'm trying to forget that I'm addicted to you

I think I've been getting pretty lonely lately, more often than usual. And it just kinda puts a damper on everything. It's a sucky thing, to want to talk to someone and tell them about your day and just all the little things, but you can't even get a text back so you can tell them the big things. But I can't seem to just give up and I feel like I'm starting to make a fool of myself for trying when it's not being reciprocated. And sure, I guess there's some benefit of doubt, you've been working a lot lately and our schedules don't line up as often anymore, but it really doesn't take much just to at least check up every day. Or say you're going to be busy. Or anything really. Especially since you take the time for other people. So yeah, I'm an idiot for trying anymore. Because I mean if someone wants to see you and talk to you, they will, right? I mean that's why I try, because I want to talk and hang out and all that. But God damn you couldn't even be bothered to tell me how your big interview went. So guess what, I don't really care anymore. I tried, I was ignored, so fuck that. Sorry for caring about your life. 

I'm emotional, mad, hurt, sad, lonely, frustrated and just about everything in between. And maybe I'm saying too much. But does it really matter? You probably don't even read this anymore so whatever. And if you do, maybe let me know. 

And I guess for what it's worth, I am willing to save this friendship/relationship if you want it to be saved. Saving it sounds like such a drastic thing, but like you haven't talked to me in over what like 30+ hours now and this isn't an uncommon occurrence really anymore. And maybe you have a reason for it, I'm sure you probably do, but like can I at least be told what it is? Like, this sucks, and you know that it sucks but yet here we are. And when we do see each other for a couple hours, it really is like nothing much has changed so that's great. But I can't deal with being ignored for whole days at a time with no explanation, just a vanishing act. That's not fair to me, at all. 

And even after all that, God I'm scared that this is the end. That's my biggest fear in all this. That you've decided that this is just it for us. No more, done. Scares the shit out of me because you're one of my very best friends. 

All brought to you courtesy of the red, white, and blue

I should start off with that I absolutely don't mean to offend anyone or anything, I'm just thinking aloud. 

You know, in high school, I always thought that we would all go to college and we'd be poor but we would make it and all graduate and such. That's just what I always thought but the past year has really changed that. It's sucked to see money hold my friends back from continuing college. I mean I'm the only one of the Jacob heights family still going. Which isn't necessarily a bad thing, you guys have all been really quite successful in your jobs. And that's really great too. It's just that the "American Dream" to me always meant high school, college, degree, job and that's kinda going away. Our education system is really messed up when money is the reason so many smart, passionate people aren't able to follow through with getting a degree. That's so not okay. 

And like I wish I could help you afford your dream and get a two bedroom and split those costs and such. But that's not really my decision or my invitation to make so I should probably stop talking about it. Maybe by fall semester something like that could work? I don't really know what any of your plans are though. I just don't want to see you give up your dream for good 

Honey don't act so surprised

It's pretty nice to start to feel motivated to finish school and graduate. It's still a ways away, but I feel like it's finally within reach, like I can actually see the light at the end of the tunnel. Still not really sure what I'll do with this degree but I'll figure that out eventually haha..

Side note, kinda ready for winter to be over