try try again

I'm gonna try to be happier when we text. I promise I'm gonna try. Because I know things would be better if I was happier because yeah I haven't been as happy lately. I'm sorry for that. So yeah. I'll try. But I don't know how well that will go. Things will probably still be pretty depressing here. But that's nothing new. This is where I get to freely express my feelings, without bringing anyone else in the process. Or maybe I still bring you guys down but then at least I am not doing it directly. So my true feelings really come out on here. Of course, if things miraculously get better, things on here will be better too. Just depends on what is going on. That is fairly obvious.

But yeah, I'm trying to keep things good between us. Because that's what is best and yeah. I really want things to be really good between us. I mean... I think our friendship has gotten better... I don't know if you think that too but yeah.

....can we please watch big brother together this summer?

idkiicdt

I Don't Know If I Can Do That by Luke Bryan.

mood.

So yeah I'm in a mood. I just... I don't know what to do anymore. Some times I am doing pretty good and then others I feel completely lost. And I just wish we could finally talk because I really need to. And it needs to be you that I talk to because there's just stuff that I want to talk about and clarify and just ugh. You don't get it. And I know that you could have tonight because T mentioned that you had asked about if our group was hanging out tonight. But whatever I guess. I just need a good talk and a good hug and ya. Idk. I can't force you into it. But you said you would. And I think you still don't get my want for in person communication.... maybe I should put it this way.... don't get mad at me... it just seems like when everyone else is around, you kinda put up a front. It's hard to explain, you're just kinda different. I think everyone does that to a point but yeah. Texting is not even close either. Talking to you when it's just you and me, in person, is so much better. You're more caring and sincere and open. And I really miss getting to talk to you like that. I really miss you. There's so much I just want to talk to you about and say and get to know your point of view and all that. Ugh times like this, I miss us so much and I feel all alone. Ya I feel alone.

And all the memories are coming back. And I don't know. I wish we could just be like that again. I want that back. ..................................remember when you said I was your world? Remember how happy in love we were? Why can't we just have that back? Just drop everything else and have that back? I know we can be like that again. When we have been together just us, it's close to that again. second chance. Maybe we got a little boring, and I get that, but we can do other activities. I am open to that. We could try new things. Be adventurous. I want to be like that. I want to do that with you. We could do all sorts of things. Scary movies would still be a must but we could go do things too. We could actually go out on more dates since we didn't really do that much but now we could. But yet it is still all up to you. Because you know I'd go back to you in a heart beat. And you know you have the power over if that happens or not. I just think a second chance for us would end up being really good. We would be really good. 

Some times I am fine. Other times I feel like I'm still broken in 2.

....and I want to be excited for the possibility of something with someone else... but Idk. I think I still wish it was you. Because I love you. And I know you love me too. I just... I don't know. Sometimes I just want to hit my head against the wall because I just don't know. Some times I feel like I don't know anything about anything anymore.

I think I just need you to help me and talk to me and explain things to me in that super caring way that you do.

I hate that I've been crying during like this entire post.

babyyy

Sooo yeah. I think I'm doing better today. For the most part. I really do think it was good for us to have had that little talk too, even though it was a semi fight. Because seriously, I really feel reassured right now. So things can keep going on as is. I just have to watch my back and protect myself, ya know? I didn't think you would do that, just so you know. I really don't think that's like you. Because you really do care and all that stuff. So yeah. I know you don't want to hurt me. I guess... I'm curious about what the next couple months will bring... but I'm also a little scared. Promise we will stay close? Because I think that's what I am most scared of. Us growing apart. I don't want summer to come and then we hardly ever see each other. I don't want to be forgotten. Please don't forget me... and us.

Sorry if that got sad... but uhm... I have something to show you....

I finally put them up. And the strong independent woman that I am did it all by herself :P seriously, I didn't get help from nobody. You seemed upset that I hadn't put them up yet and I dunno that might have just been a show and stuff but I dunno maybe it did actually hurt you a little bit so there you go. I put them up, for you :) and now that they are up, I do really like them so thank you. But at the same time, they do kinda serve as another reminder of you and us.... that's probably why I hadn't put them up yet. But yeah....

I miss you and us

it's the little things

and this is why talking about things in person is better. Because things don't get taken the wrong way and explained right away and so that this doesn't happen. That you took it the wrong way and now you're mad and I'm crying. I'm really sorry that it came across badly. I just had to make sure. Because now I sometimes feel really alone and I have to protect myself. I feel bad. I'm sorry. I feel really bad. I just had to make sure. To double check. To reassure myself. To make myself feel better. Sometimes I am scared and insecure on the inside. I'm sorry

16 plus a day

So I think I am kinda doing better again today. Not really doing good again yet, but better than last night. And shopping tonight was really good. My outfit tomorrow is great, I'm going to look so hot you're gonna wish you were with me :P ha that's probably not gonna be true. So like... I kinda want to say some things... But I don't want them to be taken the wrong way and I want to be able to fully explain everything... So I think I will probably just wait until our heart to heart. Whenever that will be. Unless you really can't wait and decide to ask me about it :P But I dunno it really might just be better in person. I know you don't always really understand how I think talking in person is better but it really is. You can reply quickly and reply with emotions and facial expressions and all of that. And it's easier to say a lot of things all at once and give full, long explanations of things. So I guess if you really want to know some of that stuff before our in person heart to heart, you will have to call me. Otherwise it will wait. But yeah. I just.... I dunno I'm kinda scared to bring anything about it up too... so I might just end up chickening out... Here's a tidbit though... It seems like you like having control over pretty much everything. I know you know you have control and you use it to your advantage some times. That might be all I say about that. I'm really not looking for a fight or anything like that, so if it seems like that, just forget I said anything at all.

Yeah......... this week shall be interesting

I love you....

ruin

I don't even know where to begin right now. That's probably why I have had this open for 15 minutes without starting to write anything. I just.... I have been doing pretty good lately. I think we all can agree on that. And Friday was fun and nice and stuff. And I was having a really good weekend, really tiring, but really good. And then you said that you and Sena are actually going to date here pretty soon. And then everything I had been doing my best to not think of so that I could be happy came pouring into my head. I think maybe that's my trick to my "success". I just push it out of my head. But then again is it really success if it means I'm not totally dealing with everything? I just.... it still really hurts. To think of you with someone else. Like I cry. I just... I don't know. I still wish it was me. I just... I don't know. My black hole has come back. Part of me is so sad but the other part of me is mad. At myself. Like just move on already. You know this is what's best right now. You know that if it's meant to be, eventually he will come back. But what if timing gets screwed up? What if things get screwed up? I don't know. Anything is possible. Maybe once they start dating he will realize he wishes it was me. Or maybe not. I don't know. When I get like this, sad, my self confidence greatly deteriorates. Like, the rest of the time, I am usually pretty good about telling myself that I'm pretty great and that I'll be good enough and all that. But right now I feel like I'm 2 inches tall. I hate feeling like this. Although sometimes I think I need these crying cleansing sessions every once in a while just to get it all out so that I can be good the rest of the time. ...............once we are both single again, and have a chance... I really hope we pounce on that chance. I mean, if it works out that we get a chance again, I think we need to take advantage of it. Because who knows, maybe that is fate stepping in, telling us we should be together. And I think that if we do date again, whenever that could be, I think we would be better than ever. And we were already pretty great.
I think this is why falling in love when you're so young is so hard. Life is just beginning and we need time to explore and wander. Which hurts. Especially when you're the one forced into it. Sometimes I wonder about that. If we had met at like 20 instead of what, 14? We were so young. And we still are. And it sucks.

And now I'm thinking about us and our great run, despite our rocky parts. We were so great. I want that again. I miss us.

And seriously, I really want to ask you about what you think is going to happen with stuff but I know you'll just say there's no way to know. Even though I know you know what is most likely to happen. Every event/string of events has it's own probabilities. I kinda wish you would share.

I definitely still need that heart to heart.

Oh and, I love you too. Sorry for not telling you before.

............I feel hopeless and hopeful at the same time.