I am hurting.

where to begin....

maybe I'll start with exactly what the title says. I am hurting. You keep treating me like shit when other people are around. A little bit of teasing is okay, but you have gotten mean. I have built up a pretty strong wall against people's words... but you have kept tearing me down little by little and now I am at my breaking point. I have to stand up for myself. Tonight you called me names, including ugly, and said you didn't really care about me. How do you think that makes me feel? Pretty damn bad. ...I've cried more than once since getting home. Partly because of what you said, but partly because I knew I had to finally do something about it and I don't know how this is going to turn out. I really really really hope this helps and that things get better. Because I still really don't want to lose you. But if you keep this up, you are going to lose me completely. Maybe you don't want that, maybe you do. I honestly don't know anymore. So doing this is scary. But I don't deserve to be treated like I'm nothing. I am something. You used to tell me that I'm great and pretty and all that and now I'm getting the exact opposite words from you. When other people are around. When it's just you and me, you are good. This sucks. I'm just sticking up for myself. I want things to get better. I really really do. If there is anything I can do to help you, let me know. But know that things cannot continue like this. I cannot keep getting torn down by you. It hurts. It really hurts. I just want to be treated decently.

and yet somehow through all of this, I still love you. I really do.

sticking

you always hear about how people marry their best friend... now that we have gotten a lot closer as friends and are actually getting pretty close to being best friends... I really want that.... maybe that's why I am sticking around....

down by the river

When I think about you and her together... it makes me really sad.

When I think about you and I together... it makes me really happy....

until I remember her.

I sound like a giant bitch.

I'm sorry

getting closer

Last night with you was really fun. I had a good time. I thought we had gotten closer and then when you said 8.5, it was confirmed :) I really like this best friends side to us. I seriously do. But I still wish there was the bf/gf side too. I think that if we got back together, having both sides will make us really strong. And ya know, you always hear about how people say they married their best friend.

and that "hey there beautiful".... well that made me feel pretty great, once I knew it was actually for me, because honestly, my first thought was that you accidentally sent it to me instead of Sena... sorry!

Oh and by the way, as far as I could tell, there is nothing bad inside you :P

I'm trying to keep smiley around

hey there

:)

miss you

oh blogging, how I have truly deeply missed you! time for a good post!

see you probably thought the title was going to be about you and then I actually said I miss blogging so you are probably now confused. Especially since the title is actually kinda about you :P

so Saturday was probably the craziest day of the summer so far. Because first I got informed that you had cheated on me... and I honestly didn't really believe it. That's why I talked to you about it. T kept telling me to turn off my phone so I could avoid an argument but I had to hear your side first. And it's a good thing I did because it ended up being false. You have no idea how relieved I was. Seriously I was so glad. This is why I get your side of the story before I go too far into it with craziness :P Because I couldn't believe that you would do that to me. And turns out that you didn't and so it's all good. Seriously at that point, I hardly even cared that you had lied about it and that it happened, I was just so glad that it wasn't when we were together. Because that probably would have been a deal breaker. I couldn't be with you again if you had cheated on me. I mean, I'm still happy that you apologized for lying about it... but why did you lie? Why wouldn't you just tell me? Afraid I would judge? Or what? So then that settled down and I was a lot happier. A little retail therapy also helped, not gonna lie. I bought the prettiest bra I now own. And if we ever date again... I think you will really like it. Kinda makes me feel like a VS model :P So anyways after pretty much crashing a grad party, we headed out to the lake with Katie. Honestly it was so gorgeous out there, I wanna go back! Then after that, off to Katie's. Once it got late, that's when shit got real. We talked to Conner again. First it was Katie and I at the end of the driveway by the road. And it was seriously the coolest thing ever. We were actually talking to someone else; someone else was moving it and giving us answers. But then he told us to run. That was scary. We obviously listened to him and ran like hell out of there. But now looking back, what if we hadn't asked him if there was anything he wanted to tell us? Would he still have told us to run? What would have happened if we hadn't ran? So right after this we were all pretty freaked out but once we calmed down again, we just had to talk to him some more. This time it was K and T. And this is when everything got really freaky. Conner told us so much. He told us that he is protecting us from the bad stuff. He also said that the bad spirit some of them talked to is still inside them to some extent. It said that it had tried to possess Z and that it almost did. It even brought up the no soul thing. Which then makes sense why Z would be the one to get possessed. He apparently has no soul so it would then be easier for it to take over. It also said that Z would maybe be safe to leave and go home and when we asked why he wouldn't be, he said car. Which was freaky because we all know that Z is a crazy driver. To an extent at least, because he's never been really unsafe about it. But it was still freaky. The fact that it is still inside him is what got everyone sketched out the most I think. I'm not gonna lie, right after we found all this out, I was sketched out by it all and didn't know about being around you and all that. Now I wasn't there for Tuesday when he apparently almost got possessed, but I heard that it was scary and I'm actually really glad I wasn't there to see it. That would have super freaked me out. I was already freaked out. But then I thought about it more, and we have never had anyone show any signs of it or do anything weird outside of when we were actually doing Ouija. And Conner is protecting all of us. And then I remembered Wednesday. How I had been alone with Z in the car for quite a while and nothing ever struck me as weird or freaky. The weirdest part was probably just that we weren't together. I still felt totally safe. I had already been alone with him after it happened and I was totally ok. So why should I worry about being alone with him now? Although it seems like it may be quite a while until it's just him and I alone again. Which sucks. I really like hanging out with him.

Okay now is when it gets real. The next morning after we all had left Katie's, she looked up her house records. And she found Conner's family. The dates, the last name, it all matched up. Conner is real. We weren't just subconsciously moving the thing ourselves, making up Conner, just because we really wanted it to work. Oh and here is the freakiest part... They never found his body after he died... scary!

I know I have already lectured you on this, but please, don't talk to any more bad spirits. I don't think any of us should and we should always say goodbye as soon as we know it isn't good. Because like I said, anymore I'm not really scared of current situations or even for myself. I'm scared for Z if he talks to another bad spirit. What if next time he actually gets fully possessed? None of us will have any idea of what the fuck to do. I know you are smart. Please be smart. I care about you and don't want anything bad to happen to you.

I still really think that Saturday especially made our friendship stronger. I felt like I got closer to everyone that was there. And that includes you Mr. 8.3 :P

Oh and I've been trying to make plans with you for almost a week now... can we pretty please finally make some plans? Please? I know you're busy but I've been waiting patiently for quite a while now to get the chance to even make any plans. I understand, but it sucks.

I couldn't say that the title isn't about you because that would make me a fucking liar. I don't think I've actually said this to you recently but I'm sure you still already know it. I miss you. I still really miss us and really hope some day we are together again. I know that at this point, things just have to run their course. I guess I just wish they were running it faster.    Maybe I'm delusional but I really think there is a future for us.

around

I seriously still want to be around you. I just don't want you or any of us messing with anything bad anymore. I care so much about you. I love you.