don't know what

blah so last night we was really sweet... like he even sent me a cute goodnight text.... and most of today has been good... but blah. Don't know what to think really. I'll see him in a week hopefully. I really wish I was on my way to the beach right now... or anywhere really...

Valentine's

So obviously today is Valentine's Day... which kinda sucks... but it's also pretty much just like every other day... which sucks because it's supposed to be a special day. Oh well. I guess. I dunno. I'm trying my hardest, I really am. Which I don't know if that's really working that well. Because then I put pressure on myself which may cause me to freeze up. I don't know. I'm just stumbling through life right now... And seriously this boy is driving my crazy.... in a good way and a bad way... if that makes any sense at all? I mean two nights ago we talked in his car for probably a good 40 minutes or so... and it was so great... seriously... it made me feel so good. We were coupley and stuff. And then last night I saw him for like 5 minutes or so and he got me some flowers... orange roses... and he said it was because he knew I have been sad and stuff so he wanted to make me feel better. Aww! That was so sweet. ...but also, all this stuff just makes me want us back together that much more. I want us like that all the time. But I think now I finally have a good grasp on the reasons why. There's 3 from my understanding. We didn't talk much when in a group, become better friends, and stop all the "bull shit fighting". So hopefully we can do that... I just still feel like everything with us is going by so slowly. So that sucks. But on the bright sides, he really does want to get back together eventually, he said he will always love me, and we are now at a 6. No longer a 4 or 5, a 6. Which is pretty good. I mean we still have a long ways to go in that sense... But there is progress. So that's good. But tomorrow he leaves for a whole week... so that will be interesting to see how that goes... I hope he still talks to me quite a bit, but I totally understand if he doesn't... I hope he can come to see me tonight... blah... And I really am trying to be excited for this weekend, I mean I think it will be fun, I just really really wish Z was going to be there instead of A. So yeah.

2 weeks

so now it is 2 weeks since the break up.... and right now, I'm not really sure how I feel about things... Like half the time, it's like we are dating and the other half, we are just friends... I don't really get it... Like if things aren't that different than when we were dating, why aren't we dating..? Like gah! He's driving me crazy! I want to spend time with him like all the time! And we actually have hung out quite a bit, but mostly as a group.... except for a little bit last night... He came over for just like 40 minutes... but in that time, it was like we were dating... Ugh... boy drives me crazy... I don't know what to do... Blah... JUST LET ME BE WITH YOU... please? pwetty pwease? .....and then Valentine's Day is this week... makes me a little sad... or a lotta sad... I wish he would do something sweet for me on it but I'm pretty sure we all know that that isn't going to happen.... and then Friday he leaves for vacation for a week... a whole week... I'm gonna miss him so much, I mean I already do but this will be different because we won't see each other at all over that time and who knows how much we will even talk... And T, I really am trying to be excited for this weekend. I think it has the potential to be a lot of fun... but I'm honestly a little nervous for it... Like with A.... Z thinks we are at least going to kiss while he's gone... I don't know about that... Like A is a great guy, seriously, but I don't know if I could ever see him as being my bf so I don't think it would be right to kiss him... I wouldn't kiss him, but if he kisses me... idk.... I mean, I like the attention from him, but yet I don't want to lead him on... I don't need to complicate my life any more than it already is... I have to be cautious with him... Maybe... Like with him, I am the one with the power... I am the one with the control on if anything happens... I'm definitely not the one with control with Z and I... Like with Z, I feel like I pretty much have zero say... I mean he knows how I feel, he knows I want him back, but it changes nothing... And gah last night was crazy... I was hanging out with N and T and thought it was gonna be a good night and I was hoping Z would come but he didn't... instead A showed up.... And he was in a really off mood, especially for him and then he went off by himself for a while... So I was curious and wanted to see what was going on so I  went and talked to him... And he ended up crying... First time I've seen him cry... I felt bad and hoped I was helping somehow... But then later he said I was the best and hugged me so I must have been doing something right.... But then later he texted me saying he was sorry because the reason he had told me he was crying wasn't the real reason... he also wouldn't tell me the real reason... And I'll be honest, for a couple seconds I was wondering if it had to do with me... But there's no way he would cry over that... So I'm really curious as to what's actually going on but if he doesn't want to talk about it, that's okay, I understand.... and then the stuff with N and T, that was totally out of the blue and no one really knows what is going on there... it really wasn't that great of a night for most people... but I think I managed to get through it pretty well... ya know how earlier I had said that A and I have never really had any serious convos? Well now between the last couple weekends, we have had a couple serious conversations..... gah.... Seriously, my life would be so much easier if Z and I would just be together and be happy and love each other... which I think would happen if we got back together... but it's not up to me... blah.... at least I am finally doing better, for the most part... when you hit rock bottom, the only place you can go is up