chf, chm

It's crazy how fast things can really change and it's crazy how much they change. Thinking about it, last Sunday after prom, I was maybe not going to talk to him for a while since things weren't going that well and stuff. But then this week has been great and we have been talking a lot and all that. So really it went from possibly bad to really good in probably a matter of hours. So it's just crazy to think of how fast things change. This time it was definitely for the better though! Honestly, I think we have found something that really works for both of us, that we both want, and makes us both happy. And that is what I have wanted this whole time. For us to find what really works and so far, this has really worked and we both love it and yeah I just think it's a good situation. And him saying that he doesn't want things to change if/when they date, that gives me some reassurance that he really wants things to stay like this so they won't get ripped out from under me. That's one of the best parts. Knowing he wants it like this so it won't get taken away from me. The other best part is that I have been truly happy. Happiness is amazing.

I don't know when he will see this or when I might do this... But I kinda want to ask him a question or two or three... This past week, with how we have been and all the happiness and such, does it make our future chance better? Or like, is it easier to see us again in the future now? And... do you think we have been more like the old us this week, when we were happy together and such? I know that things with Sena still have to run their course first. I'm not jumping ahead of the current situation. I am just curious. So if you do see this before I get the chance/work up the nerve to ask you, go ahead and just answer them. I probably won't tell you about this post. You'll have to find it on your own :P


something else I have been a little hesitant to point out... because I'm afraid it will cause something to change and I seriously do not want anything to change, I love exactly how things are... not everything has been just friend stuff. You realize that, right? I'm doing my best to not really read into it. The most I have read into it is that we still have something (which we already knew) and I have a cute butt (also something we already knew) :P

when you guys asked me about who I'm closer to and tell more stuff to.... Honestly I think I tell you more. I mean, now that I know you read this, there have been quite a few parts that I have written specifically directed to you. Most of this post has been directed towards you. Sometimes I think I use this as a way to let you know what I am thinking and how I feel without actually having to say it directly to you. Because sometimes that is a little scary. Not talking to you, that isn't scary, but sometimes it takes a lot of nerve to say some things and on here it is just easier. I can write it all down and get everything out and then you look at it and process it and then talk to me about it. I've been using this to communicate even more with you. You see all of this and I don't think T hardly ever looks at this anymore. I tell you more. I tell you a lot over text and in person and then I also tell you stuff on here. I write stuff on here knowing that you will see it sooner or later.


............I am lonely tonight. Days like today where we hardly talk kinda suck. Especially since I work tomorrow so we probably won't talk much tomorrow either. .....now that I have a job, I think it would be really cute and nice and such to get off and find a note on my car. But yeah.

I am still doing my best to tell you everything. Because I mean we are still close and such. I'm sorry if sometimes it is too much.

So yeah, when you see this, text me about the questions I have and any response to the rest of this. This ended up being a rather long post and I hadn't even really meant to say that much. Oh well :P

addiction

perhaps I have a blogging addiction? But really I'm just putting my thoughts into actual visual words so does that mean I'm just addicted to thinking? ...............well that was weird :P

So uhm I guess I had been looking forward to seeing you for a little bit tonight.... we have been doing really good this week so I'm curious what it would have been like... I think we would have had a lot of fun and enjoyed each other's company. So it sucks that you can't. I get it, you can't really go against what your parents say but yeah it still sucks. Maybe tomorrow? But you're always busy so who knows. Maybe next Friday? I'm gone next Saturday and Sunday..... Maybe Wednesday night? I don't work then but I dunno about you. We could study for AP? I dunno. Seems like it is going to be forever before we see each other just you and me again. It's... idk... it makes me a little sad.

I tried to have a really good day. And I am still trying. But earlier... With T and Z texting me and the some of the stuff Z said.... Like things don't translate well over text. I thought you guys were serious. I'm not kidding, I almost started crying right there in the middle of math class. That really put a damper on things. .....I am really glad you talked to me after that though. You saved yourself :P I was actually fairly upset. That's why I didn't talk to you right away. But yeah you were nice and I can't stay mad at you so yeah. I'm over it.

Then what the hell just happened at Nick's? He was all idk weird so me and L leave for a bit and then they leave too? Uhm yeah thanks for ditching us. Spending more than an hour in Walmart waiting for you guys really is not fun. I mean we made the best of it, but still. Like what the hell. Come on.

Seeing you tonight just would have been really great.

P.S. I still love you

P.S.S. I miss you

see

Yeah it still makes me sad when you talk about how you guys are going to date. Like I'm trying to hold back tears and it's not really working. At all. Hopefully I can cry it out and then be good again. Every strong person has their weak moments. This is a really weak one. Deep breaths Josie.....

wkiwbte

So maybe it just took one day of me being happy for me to realize that I can actually be happy and be good and not be sad. Honestly, it was almost like I had to allow myself to be happy. And now this whole week has been really good and I love it. Who knew it would be this easy. And we are doing really well. I'm doing my best to not read into anything, but I still.... this week, we have been more like us as a happy couple than we have in a long time. I think we have gotten closer again and are enjoying each other again. And don't get me wrong, I really like the way things are now. Things are actually pretty great. I just, ya know, still wish there was more. But I get it, this is how things need to be right now, and they are pretty good, so I should just be happy with that. This will end up helping us in the end. I am really starting to believe that.
..........I'm really glad that he remembers us, the way we were, when we were happy. I'm not gonna lie, I was worried that he had forgotten. I don't want him to forget.

and I know I'm supposed to be independent and happy and such, but I missed him today. 

erm yeah last night was really great

I love you

just smile

So the past 2 days have actually been really good. I've been happy. And it feels amazing :) I hope things stay like this because I quite enjoy it. I'm actually doing good and it's like all of a sudden something just clicked. Let's just keep it like this. Seriously best couple days in quite a while!
Oh and my first official day of work is tomorrow! Yay!

14

I'm numb.

But at the same time, I feel so weird. Like... something is my chest kinda feels weird. It's so hard to explain. It's as if my heart has gone cold.

Is this what moving on feels like? Is that what's going on?

I haven't even eaten anything today and it's getting close to dinner time.

Is this going to send me into depression? I imagine this is what depression feels like. I just want to be really happy with life again. Like I was with you.

This can be the end for now. But this cannot be the end for ever. I remember us. Please remember us too. I remember how happy we were.

I kinda can't believe it has been so long since we were together. But at the same time, I totally can. It feels like it has been forever since we have been together. And I mean it kinda has been. 14 weeks, in case you didn't pick up on that from the title. That is such a long time. A long time. And seriously, there has got to be a chance for us again. What we have is so special. But that chance is not in the present, it is somewhere in the future. Who knows how far into the future. A month? 3? 6? A year? I am going to do my best to move on. But once that chance is here again, I am going to go after it.

For now, I think maybe the best way to move on is to fill the void? I don't even know how to move on. It's really hard to do something that you don't know how to do. I'm not like him. It hasn't just happened for me like it did for him. Although, honestly, from my point of view, it was Sena that made him move on. Because before her, we were making steps forward. Baby steps, but they were there. And since her, things have stopped. I think things have actually gone in reverse a bit. Actually no, they have gone in reverse.

He brought up that maybe it's a sign that we aren't right for each other that he can move on so easily. But you can just as quickly counter that with maybe it's a sign we are right for each other that I can't move on easily.

I'm still having a hard time with not having any control. Nothing is up to me. It's hard for me to just give up on us. How can I just give up on our true love?

I made a sad music mixed CD. I have a feeling it will be getting a lot of use in the near future.

prom

So obviously, this is going to be about prom :P
I mean over all, it pretty much went as I expected it would. All in all, N was a pretty good date and anything crappy that happened had nothing to do with him. He was great. N had been texting me and was being really nice and kinda sweet and such and then I guess he decided to be early with picking me up so it was literally a mad dash at the end of getting ready. So we took a couple pictures at my house, which honestly was a little awkward, and then left and ended up having time to kill. Then group pictures which was ok. We killed time and then went to grand march, which was really just a lot of waiting for a 2 minute walk. And during that waiting was when it started... the gloom and doom started to set in a little bit. I was getting a little sad but I did my best to push it all out and have fun. Then we had more time to kill before the dinner and dance. So much time killing. Because even once we got to there, there was a lot of waiting for our food and then to finally dance. Honestly, I think dancing was my favorite part. I actually had fun during that part. I mean, grinding is fun. Dancing with friends is fun. It's the easiest time to just be carefree and have fun with your friends. So during that part I was good. I even got to finally talk to Z a couple times and I thought it was really nice and such. During the whole thing, I was doing my best to put on a brave face and look happy and independent. I think I did a pretty good job of that, really I did. Of course the question is did I look like that to other people? Feel free to answer that. Then right after the dance I was doing pretty good. But as the night went on, it set in again. Feeling sad. So I just decided to leave and go home. That was probably like an hour ago. And that was probably when the worst part of the night came about. I was just sitting in my car, I understand it probably looked sketchy, but seriously, I wasn't trying anything, I wasn't creeping, really I was just trying to ignore the other car. I was processing and making sure I was good to drive, that I wasn't going to start crying as soon as I left because that would have been bad. And I didn't cry. So I was about to leave, literally about to put my car in drive. But I guess I took too long to get my shit together, because he left, in quite a hurry. It kinda seemed like he was upset. I mean I don't know what was going on there, but if I upset you, I am really sorry. Like I said, I was trying to block things out and make sure I won't crash on the way home. But I feel bad. I really hope it didn't hurt anything. I'm sorry. When I got home, I kinda felt like shit. I think I sat in my car again, just listening to music and processing for a good 15 minutes. I was honestly kinda waiting to see if a break down would come. But it didn't. And still hasn't. Maybe I'm too tired to cry, but so far, I just haven't at all. I don't know what that means. I mean I don't know what anyone else thinks, but I think I did a decent job of trying to move on tonight and not care. Or at least act like I don't care. I'm trying to control myself. It will be ok. In the end, this was just one night and things move on and this becomes the past. The past is such a hard thing to handle. It has things in it that we wish didn't happen at all and things in it that we wish were in the present. The future is also a bitch to handle. Because you have no fucking clue what is about to hit you. No one can predict the future and anything is possible. And that stirs up feelings of both hope and despair.

And now some tears have fallen. But they have nothing to do with Z. They came because.... when I was sitting in my car all alone, someone walked by on the sidewalk on the other side of the road and it made me a little nervous. Then I had a thought. I thought that if I were to die from some freak occurrence like that guy attacking me, it wouldn't be that bad. And I know that's a terrible thought and that's why I cried. Because as much as things sometimes really suck, I want to live to see how they work out. I don't want to die. I repeat, I don't want to die, so don't freak out when you see this. If I died, things would all be over. There would be no more future, no more possibilities, no more hope for a better day. I can't imagine this being the end. It just can't be the end.

And now I am debating about whether or not to text you about this post... because you still haven't responded from before. And maybe I kinda get it, you don't want to deal with stuff on prom night. I sit and debate about these things now. Because I don't want to bother you or be clingy or anything bad like that. Sometimes I just want to let you know about things but don't know when to do it or if I even should so I don't know. I don't know if you have even looked on here in the past couple days. I mean, honestly, I do want you to look at this. Some posts more than others, but I still want you to know my thoughts and feelings and currently this is the best way to do that. Because saying all this over text is basically impossible and right now it seems like you don't want to talk face to face. Which is my preferred method. Then I can actually see you and hear you and know how you react and respond to things. It has more feeling. But like I said, when I brought up a car visit, you seemed very hesitant. Which I kinda get. There's a new girl in your life. But seriously, I just want to talk things through.

........it seems like we have definitely moved backwards. Which I mean we have. Now, I am hesitant to say some things. I don't want them to affect us negatively so they just stay in my head as much as possible. Some of them are things I try to stop thinking all together. Because I am supposed to be moving on. And I am trying to do that. Everyone keeps telling me to do it, as if I'm not even trying, but I am. It almost hurts a little when people keep telling me that because I am doing my best and no one knows how hard it is. Seriously I am trying but it is so fucking hard. I wish I was a soulless ginger like you. :P

I keep trying to tell myself that if we are meant to be, things will work out and eventually we will be together. But what if things get fucked up? I am trying so hard to believe that everything happens for a reason and fate will step in and that God has a plan for each of us. I want to believe that everything will be okay in the end, but like I said, what if things get fucked up?

Decision made. I will tell you about this. Which you will know soon. Unless you are sleeping.

Please talk to me.
Car visit would be great but even just some response to this would be good.

I still love you.