so as the title of this suggests, this really truly may be pointless.
I can't really think of all that much to say besides stuff you don't really care about but oh well.
So the other night I really grew some balls and asked him why we aren't together; what's keeping us from each other. And apparently it's the same reason as we broke up. Sooo yeah I guess that sucks. Maybe one day I'll get super ballsy again and ask him what he would do if I actually asked him out. Butttt that's pretty ballsy so who knows.
I guess things with him have honestly been kinda blah. I mean I can tell he still like cares and stuff but yeah. Not really sure what to do there.
So today at lunch me and my best friend went and sat by him since he was all by himself since his friends hadn't come yet. And honestly... I really liked that. I mean it was semi-awkward but eating with guys makes you feel a LOT better about your own eating habits. Plus we are friends with all of his friends so it really wasn't that weird. Which is good. Mayyybeee it would be something we could do more often IF me and him go out again. But for now, it would be cool to do it every once in a while. Especially since possibly the best part about it is that the Rapist sees us there and then go sits somewhere else. <3
and also, not to be like depressing, but everything seems to be so exhausting right now, really draining. It's hard to have to keep working so hard at everything...
behind those walls that won't come down, I'm sure you had more things to say
Friday, September 9, 2011
Wednesday, September 7, 2011
busy busy busy
so I realize I haven't posted in forever but I have been so busy and didn't really have anything I absolutely had to bitch about so here you finally go :)
so that fire I was wanting for so long finally happened... and it was a disaster. I mean seeing him for the first time since breaking up and also in like 2 months, it was kinda awkward and hard. Looking at him was just hard. But I was still thinking that something could happen and it honestly would have if it weren't for this other dick. The one that told me he still likes me after being broken up for 2 years. He kept raping me! And I don't mean like legit rape, just like holding on to me and having me really close and not letting me go but in a BAD way. I was super pissed all night and honestly kinda took it out on the one guy I really wanted to be nice to. And that sucks! It sucks so bad! It sucked so bad that my best friend had to watch me shed tears over it. And it wasn't even just like one or two it was like I had to try really hard not to have a complete break down. At that point I was just sooo upset and pissed and mad and sad cuz at that point, the guy (not the rapist) was mad at me for being all like pissy and not really looking at him. Luckily that got fixed. With a phone call. That was so very like when we went out. That ended with "I love you {insert my name here(:}" so basically, best friend, if you are reading this, another, do over fire would be soo greatly appreciated. I would love you to death for it. Oh and keep in mind. This was almost a week ago and I'm still really pissed. And still sad.
Here is another thing that has happened. He(not rapist) had apologized. It started off as a "sorry babe" after something little and went on to being "I am sorry for everything".
I'm sure between the apology and the I love you, you might be wondering if something has happened. The answer, sadly, is no. Notta thing. Yeah there has been flirting and some babes and babys directed at me but still notta thing. I'm not sure how things are going to go as we really get to into the groove of school but so far, it's not looking all that promising. Of course maybe once seeing him doesn't send my body into near shock, (I'm not kidding about this) maybe I'll actually like talk to him when the opportunities arise. Like today. After English. I saw him as I was walking out and that got me all frazzled. It's still difficult to look at him. Someone how has seen you right through to your core, but not really actually in person is just kinda hard to face. Maybe I'm kinda ashamed. Honestly I don't really know why, but looking at him is difficult. Anyways back to the story.. And then I was at my locker and he kinda like came over and purposefully brushed into me. I didn't even do anything. And damn I wish I woulda! I didn't even turn around! Stupid me. I was thinking maybe he was going to say something but he didn't and the moment passed. And I feel so bad about it! I mean I basically ignored him! Stupid! And that sure as heck better not be my last opportunity! Today he has actually been popping up in weird places. After English, before history, after Spanish. Actually I coulda walked and talked with him to history if he hadn't been with some other whore...
I just have to keep reminding me that this is only the 2nd day. Still like 178 more to go...
he wore black today... which mighta been cuz of me... cuz I always said I like black on guys... idk maybe I'm just getting a big head about it and it had absolutely nothing to do with me...
All in all, my first 2 days of school haven't been bad. Like at all.
so I get my license in 17 days. I hope that will help with things and the guy. I kinda think it will. I can be like hey what are you doing and then go over there er get him er something. I really hope that helps. I have this whole little fantasy about the day I'll "kidnap" him and take him on a road trip. Say whatever you want, but the best part about it is that it really truly has the possibility to happen
ok. so not to sound like a complete psycho creeper but IF this break is as long as the past 2 we have had, it puts us at getting back together *today*. Pretty much doubting that at this point but you never know I guess. Although if anything, I woulda thought it woulda happened a couple days ago when we were all yeah. I thought maybe something was maybe going to happen but it didn't and now it has more or less gone on a downward spiral since then. It's definitely still better than it was before things picked up there though. Maybe I'll be all BA tough cookie and ask him tonight why we aren't going out or what's keeping us from going out or something along those lines. Blah. Who knows what will happen or when and how it will happen. Just gotta hope for the best.
cuz when you're 15 and somebody tells you they love you, you're gonna believe them <3 it more or less goes with this but I just have to use it before I can't anymore! (Birthday soon!)
so that fire I was wanting for so long finally happened... and it was a disaster. I mean seeing him for the first time since breaking up and also in like 2 months, it was kinda awkward and hard. Looking at him was just hard. But I was still thinking that something could happen and it honestly would have if it weren't for this other dick. The one that told me he still likes me after being broken up for 2 years. He kept raping me! And I don't mean like legit rape, just like holding on to me and having me really close and not letting me go but in a BAD way. I was super pissed all night and honestly kinda took it out on the one guy I really wanted to be nice to. And that sucks! It sucks so bad! It sucked so bad that my best friend had to watch me shed tears over it. And it wasn't even just like one or two it was like I had to try really hard not to have a complete break down. At that point I was just sooo upset and pissed and mad and sad cuz at that point, the guy (not the rapist) was mad at me for being all like pissy and not really looking at him. Luckily that got fixed. With a phone call. That was so very like when we went out. That ended with "I love you {insert my name here(:}" so basically, best friend, if you are reading this, another, do over fire would be soo greatly appreciated. I would love you to death for it. Oh and keep in mind. This was almost a week ago and I'm still really pissed. And still sad.
Here is another thing that has happened. He(not rapist) had apologized. It started off as a "sorry babe" after something little and went on to being "I am sorry for everything".
I'm sure between the apology and the I love you, you might be wondering if something has happened. The answer, sadly, is no. Notta thing. Yeah there has been flirting and some babes and babys directed at me but still notta thing. I'm not sure how things are going to go as we really get to into the groove of school but so far, it's not looking all that promising. Of course maybe once seeing him doesn't send my body into near shock, (I'm not kidding about this) maybe I'll actually like talk to him when the opportunities arise. Like today. After English. I saw him as I was walking out and that got me all frazzled. It's still difficult to look at him. Someone how has seen you right through to your core, but not really actually in person is just kinda hard to face. Maybe I'm kinda ashamed. Honestly I don't really know why, but looking at him is difficult. Anyways back to the story.. And then I was at my locker and he kinda like came over and purposefully brushed into me. I didn't even do anything. And damn I wish I woulda! I didn't even turn around! Stupid me. I was thinking maybe he was going to say something but he didn't and the moment passed. And I feel so bad about it! I mean I basically ignored him! Stupid! And that sure as heck better not be my last opportunity! Today he has actually been popping up in weird places. After English, before history, after Spanish. Actually I coulda walked and talked with him to history if he hadn't been with some other whore...
I just have to keep reminding me that this is only the 2nd day. Still like 178 more to go...
he wore black today... which mighta been cuz of me... cuz I always said I like black on guys... idk maybe I'm just getting a big head about it and it had absolutely nothing to do with me...
All in all, my first 2 days of school haven't been bad. Like at all.
so I get my license in 17 days. I hope that will help with things and the guy. I kinda think it will. I can be like hey what are you doing and then go over there er get him er something. I really hope that helps. I have this whole little fantasy about the day I'll "kidnap" him and take him on a road trip. Say whatever you want, but the best part about it is that it really truly has the possibility to happen
ok. so not to sound like a complete psycho creeper but IF this break is as long as the past 2 we have had, it puts us at getting back together *today*. Pretty much doubting that at this point but you never know I guess. Although if anything, I woulda thought it woulda happened a couple days ago when we were all yeah. I thought maybe something was maybe going to happen but it didn't and now it has more or less gone on a downward spiral since then. It's definitely still better than it was before things picked up there though. Maybe I'll be all BA tough cookie and ask him tonight why we aren't going out or what's keeping us from going out or something along those lines. Blah. Who knows what will happen or when and how it will happen. Just gotta hope for the best.
cuz when you're 15 and somebody tells you they love you, you're gonna believe them <3 it more or less goes with this but I just have to use it before I can't anymore! (Birthday soon!)
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