so that dream...

I haven't told either of you guys about this yet... but a few nights ago, I had a dream/nightmare that I met Sena and she was gorgeous and perfect. Ya I woke up from that one feeling like shit.

ls

remember last summer when I would drop off my mom at work really early so I could have the car and then come over and we would sleep for a bit and stuff. And that time I brought breakfast? That was cute. We were cute. I miss that.

oh dear...

Sooo last night.... that was interesting. Not gonna lie, that bad one with Katie's arm... that freaked me out. I was actually kinda scared. But then the good one, that was actually really cool and exciting. I want it to work for me some time! Except I really hope I don't get a bad one. That would be so scary. Although I do wonder how many more times we will actually do it again... because I don't think we can keep pushing our luck for very long.

So I know I already touched on this last night... but seriously, your driving pretty much never scares me. While T was freaking out a little bit, I was still completely calm. I just feel safe with you. I trust you. I know you know what you're doing. And that 180 things you did... that was really cool and not gonna lie, it was pretty hot

Hey T, so I really think you and I need to hang out just us two some time. We still haven't had our first official sleepover of the summer and that needs to happen! Maybe this weekend? Then we can have some girl time and girl talk. We haven't gotten to do that since Sunday evening so this weekend would probably be good? Then we can discuss the events of the first full week of summer :P I wanna just hang out a lot in general before I go on vacation. Oh and I know this is still far off, but we should try to do some sober white girl pre-gaming before Geneva. Even if it's just for like an hour before we meet up with the boys. Just sayinn. Our pre-gaming is pretty awesome :P oh and let's go to church this upcoming Wednesday! I don't work! So I wanna go!

Oh and Z, you and I need to hang out again some time soon-ish. Mayyyybeeee this weekend? Maybe Sunday evening again? We need to compare schedules again and figure it out :P see, we are making it work. And we neeeeed to figure out when we are going to go to valleyfair!

I dunno I still kinda feel like I'm in a little bit of a weird mood today.

I feel like this summer is going to go by wayyy too quickly and without a lot happening.

8.3

So I'm not even kidding, when you said that, it made my day. I knew we had gotten pretty close friend-wise,  but I thought you were going to say 7 or 8 tops. So when you said 8.3, I was happily surprised :) And if 9.5 is best friends, then we are getting fairly close to that so yay :) That's gotta be really good :) love you!

this is

I really wish we were spending the summer together. Last summer was so great. Seriously I wish this summer could be like that so much. I really miss you. I really miss us.



Sorry for being kinda pathetic and saying that a lot.



*deep breath* but this has to happen first. I know that. I really do. It just sucks. And I wish we could be together now. But this has to happen first. And we probably won't be together at all this summer. But I mean really you never know. Just wish it was us this summer. But like I said, you never know. Summer is fairly long. 3 months. A lot could happen in 3 months. Summer always changes things and honestly, not trying to be negative about your relationship, but seriously who knows if you guys will make it through the summer. And I mean... on a bright side... we still have a really good time together. Even if it is a little weird. We have gotten to be much better friends now. So then if/when we date again, I think that would be really good. Then we would have the best friends and boyfriend/girlfriend thing going on. I don't know that we are best friends yet. But we are really good friends. And just yeah, it would really add to our relationship. Because I know we weren't ever really that good of friends before and that was something you at least said that you wanted to work on. I think we are 200% better friends. That would help us be the strongest we have ever been if we get back together. I think we would communicate more too. I think I would be more understanding and appreciative and go with the flow. And I feel just pathetic for still saying all this, like I'm trying to convince you. I'm really just saying. Just letting you know. I think we have a future. Just because we have come so far and made so much progress, I couldn't imagine not trying again and seeing if we can really work now. I really think we would work and be great and really happy.

If you believe in horoscopes... I always read the ones for my friends too... and for yours, for July, it said something about how you should make the first move and go for it on the 20th... we will be in Geneva on the 20th. So I thought that was interesting. Guess we will have to see if it actually knows what it's talking about.
:P

Big Brother starts in like 2 weeks and I'm pretty excited for that :P Oh and we better go to valleyfair sometime during the rest of June :P

...when you had whispered in my ear that you love me... always... that made me feel really great. I love you

uhhhhh dskfjasf

I'm sorry for earlier. I was being really emotional. I'm sorry if it was too much. I just still feel bad about all that stuff. Really bad. You have no idea, I feel really terrible about it.

But hey we should hang out again some time. Maybe watch a Twins game together?   Because like I said, while it was weird and not preferable, we still had a good time. I still love getting to spend time with you.

i'm dumb

I just.... way back then, I wish you would have said something to me. Because I was dumb and didn't know what was going on and I was just being stupid. I could see I was sad. I couldn't see that it affected other people and that I was about to lose you. If someone would have just pointed it out, I would have seen it and I would have stopped. Maybe I just didn't think it was that big of a deal that I was sad and thought eventually it would go away on it's own. But I could have done something about it. If I had actually tried hard, I would have been able to get out of it and been better. Things would have gotten better. But I was dumb. I didn't know. I couldn't see the consequences of my actions. If I had known how serious things were getting, I would have stopped. I needed a slap in the face because I was too dumb to do it myself. I should have opened up my eyes and seen what I had and stopped being sad because what I had was great. But partly because I didn't do that, I lost what I had. Maybe I should have asked you for help. Maybe we should have just generally communicated our concerns better. Both of us. I wish I had had the chance to be better. If/when there is a next time, I will be better.

I promise that it won't happen again this winter. I won't let it.

together.

so... I will admit that what just happened... that worked... we were happy and laughing and really did have a good time together. But I don't think you can honestly tell me that 100% of the time, it was 100% just friends. I just... it's just not preferable. I mean, I know this all it's gonna be for Lord knows how long, and I guess that is okay with me. Because like I said, we did have a good time. I just still wish it was more. I had to hold back tonight and that was the weirdest feeling ever. It was just generally kinda weird. Because that wasn't us. We never sit so far apart for so long unless we are fighting. But I knew we weren't fighting. Nights like tonight are great. I love being with you. I love it when we are good. But yet it is weird. I still want more but now more than ever, I can't have more. So it's bittersweet. The good parts about it are so good. But then I'm sad that this is how is it and that we can't be more. But like.... T you were kinda right... what you said earlier and I denied... Maybe it's a sign that we still can't manage to be not us. Have you ever thought about that? That maybe it's a sign that we really just can't stay away from each other. ...I haven't even mentioned our talk. That was seriously a really great talk. I absolutely fall head over heels for that side of you. Talks like that are the reason that I always want to talk in person. When you really show your softer side and are really sweet like that.... It was really hard for me to not just totally fall back into us. I really wanted to. But I couldn't. I just.... I can't wait for the day that I can. I am still convinced that we would be really great. And... I'm sorry for not really believing you when you said you are proud of me for doing so good.... But I just couldn't because I don't really think I am doing that good. It's obvious I'm not over you. I mean I can recognize that this is how things have to be and that for now, this is best for us, both the present and future us. But I just don't like it. At all. But I know that I have to try. So I'm gonna keep on trying.

Thank you for tonight. We should definitely hang out again soon.

I love you.

km lb

So yesterday was really great. Like seriously, it was a lot of fun and I don't think I'll ever forget it. Those were some very sexy men ;)

sooooooooo............ yeah idk. I'm trying my best to be the happiest I can be for as long as I can. Because... I looked through some texts from like a month ago when we were really good... and I really want that again... and we were really good because I was doing good... so I'm going to try to do good. So I'm really trying and I think I'm doing pretty good. But yet.... when I got home today.... I felt really lonely.

Some of that loneliness is still lingering....