tonight

So yay for tonight.... kinda. Hanging out with T, A, and N, that was fun. Honestly I had fun. I laughed more tonight than I have all week. I love hanging out with you guys. But yet it is bittersweet. I wish Z would have been there. Or at least that I could see him tonight, that he could visit me and talk, but he has plans... which I really want to ask him about but I don't want to look like a creeper.... so yeah I sent him a like 15 text vent session... is that bad? I hope not... maybe it makes me look crazy but I had a ton to say. That's why I really wanted to see him and talk tonight.... in my vent, I put this situation into words pretty well, I said that my brain understands this, but my heart doesn't, which I think is pretty accurate. and also in that vent, I mentioned that I had blogged... I wonder if he will look at this... if he does, he probably won't like this next part... A was "hitting" on me but he jokes with that stuff a lot so I mean he sounded like he was kidding when he said it, but at the same time, I didn't know if he was totally kidding or if he actually kinda meant it.... And talking to T about it now... she said he wants the P... like seriously... which makes sense... during pop pong when we were on opposite teams, we would both  go after the ball... and there was at least a couple times when he was on me more than he probably had to be.... and then when we were on the same team, he was right behind me during most of my shots, like he didn't move over, he just stayed behind me.... Honestly, the male attention was nice, but I still wished it was coming from Z. Especially since A seriously hitting on me and making sexual comments about me... that can't end well. A and Z are best friends. How could either of us do that to Z? ...Honestly I think A would do it. He would probably feel bad about it afterwards, but he would do it. I don't think I could. At all. That would hurt Z so much, and I know that it would. So I couldn't do it. Not knowing what it would do to him. He would be really pissed at A, like he would probably actually physically hurt him. He would be really hurt towards me. Who knows how it would affect our friendship. Honestly, I wonder how Z would react just to A hitting on me and wanting the P. Like I could see him being pissed about it, but I could also see him not caring that much since I mean it's A. I wouldn't tap that. He'd tap boys. No thanks. And A is actually like my 2nd best guy friend. Z may not think we are that great of actual friends, but I still think he is above A. A and I don't ever have that serious of conversations. We just joke around and he makes me laugh. Like the most serious convo we have had lately was today when he asked me about our break up and how I am doing. And even that was a really short conversation. Gah I don't know how I feel about him actually wanting the P.   However, I don't think he thinks he will actually get it. Which is good because he's not going to. Giving up the P is a big deal to me. I couldn't do it with someone I don't love. I mean, I love him as a friend, but even then I sometimes hate him :P he can get annoying. I just miss the male attention from Z. Just blah. Like come on A. But at the same time, that's just kinda how he is. Idk. I miss Z. Seriously babe. And I hate all these stupid Valentine's Day commercials! They all remind me that as far as I know, I don't have a Valentine! ugh! and A saying that he would hurt T (boy) if he went after me and that Z probably would too, it made me feel good, like I have a couple guys to watch over me. Because omg if T goes after me.... just no. Eww. Legit. That would be the biggest downgrade ever. Never happening. Disgusting. He will literally have multiple people going after him. But I don't think anyone needs to worry. I don't think I'm going to be dating at all. It just wouldn't feel right, not for a long time. My heart still belongs to Z. So it wouldn't be fair to anyone who tries to go after me. And I don't want to turn into R after their long time relationship ended. She went boy crazy. I'm not going to do that. The most I will do is flirt occasionally....... I hope Z texts me back somewhat soon... I hope he doesn't wait until morning... the best conversations happen at night... that's totally true... I hope I didn't hurt things... I'll be so hard on myself if I did hurt things... I'm always hard on myself when I make things worse.... but he told me to not be afraid of taking risks and doing what I feel. Well that was what I was feeling. Take it or leave it. My heart told me to do it.... and honestly, I really needed to get a lot of that out... writing it on here isn't the same. My blog doesn't talk to me, it doesn't have an opinion or advice or a reaction. And I know that I am still holding back from Z. I really just want to tell him that.... I love you babe... but friends don't do that.... but friends do talk about serious stuff and emotions and I mean honestly it's a good things that I can still really talk to him like that... I don't even care that I probably looked crazy... I just hope I didn't hurt things... and honestly, whenever I see him in the hall or something, I still want to flirt with him... I still want to come up behind him and greet him with a slap on the ass... sorry if that was awkward, but it's true. Like that's my first thought, to flirt. But then that thought is quickly followed by my brain telling me that friends don't do that. And I should just stop blogging now or else I never will. See how crazy the inside of my brain is lately? There is always so much running through it. Gah..... miss you....

today

so I really want to think that he isn't purposely ignoring me, and that he's just been really busy today.... but I don't know... he hasn't texted me back all day and it's already 5 PM... probably in like 2 hours I'll text him asking if he would want to meet up later and talk... don't know what he'll say... if he will say anything... last night I had texted him saying "..................I don't suppose you would want to come visit me later?" and he didn't see it until he got home really late but he said that if he had seen it, he would have... so yeah...

remind me

okay so I thought I was done but I guess not :P
it kinda sucks how almost everything reminds me of him... like we spent almost 16 months straight together so we shared a lot and made a ton of memories. Just being in my room reminds me about him a ton. The couch, sitting there watching movies, building a fort. The board games, all the times we played them and teased each other over them. My Jobs dress and flowers, 2 great dances we had together. My body spray, you picked out your favorite. The blankets, all the times we cuddled together. Even just it being messy, me not caring if you saw my mess and you not caring that there was a mess. The notes you wrote me, there's only a couple but they were so meaningful. Scooby Doo, this summer we watched quite a few episodes. Harry Potter, over Christmas break we managed to watch almost all of them in one day, spending what, like 16 hours together? All the things you gave me, those have obvious memories. My keys, the hundred of times I grabbed them to drive to see you. The truck, all the times I got in it, so happy because I was on my way to see you, and all those times you said goodbye to me there. The stars, looking up at them with you. The back of the truck, laying there and looking at the stars and just being together. My phone, who knows how many texts we have exchanged, maybe a million? Perkins, us going out together that night when we were so happy. My tan lines, they are still the same ones from when we went to the air show together and I got super burned at the beginning of last summer. This blog, all the times I was so extremely happy and just had to blog about how much I love him. Pizza, we went to get it more than once together. Pizza rolls, starting this summer they became our staple food. Scary movies from Redbox that we never knew if they would be good or not, our tradition, you holding me close, you covering my eyes during the bad gore parts. 12:30, the time you usually had to be home. My Christmas lights, they gave my room a romantic feel. The snow, I know how much you love it, and last winter you were nice enough to brush off the truck for me. 4th of July, last summer you were great and took me to see other fireworks and we watched the city ones together too. Bean bags, we played last summer and it was always fun. Catch, we played this more than once last summer too. Driving with you, it was always great, holding hands, kissing each other's hands, holding each other's knees, even stealing a kiss every once in a while when you were driving, and that one time where A was there and said that we should seriously be together forever. Black ops zombies, we played together more than once. Your house, I love it there, we have spent so much time there. Your room, I love that even more, it's where we, you know. The basement, alllllll the time we have spent there in the past 3 years! Hours and hours and hours and hours. All the naps we took together, all the cuddling we did. Fairmont, I have taken you there twice now. Even my clothes, sometimes I can remember specific times I wore certain things. Music, so many songs make me thing about you. All the times we visited each other, sitting in your car or mine, making things better. The inside of my eyelids, all the times you would whisper you love me, before we would fall asleep. Being cold in your basement in the summer and cuddling to warm up. Being cold in the winter and cuddling to warm up. All those random times when we were just so happy and connected and in love. Gift giving times, being so excited and nervous for it at the same time. Valentine's Day, last year we went out and you were so sweet. Those couple times where you completely surprised me with flowers, I still have the ribbons from them. Doing raspberries on each other's lips when we were kissing, just to be silly. Poking each other in the belly button, we did it all the time and I actually loved it. Just seeing your car, reminds me of so many times of either riding with you or seeing your car in your driveway when I get to your house, seeing it outside my house because you are here. All those nights when I really truly thought we would last forever. And this isn't even all of the great memories. I MISS US.

think about me

And now this is day 6 since the break up... and it's Saturday... Which is really hard for me because for the past almost 16 months, Saturday has been our day. We would hang out almost every Saturday. So this sucks :( Last Saturday, he came over and I had thought things were going to be ok and we were going to be good again... 2 Saturdays ago was Jobs... which I really remember and really miss... I loved it when we were driving and he had his hand on my knee... and then we spent the night together, sleeping... I thought that night was great... and now here I am... It's hard. It hurts. I'm sad. Seriously I miss us and all our memories so much.... On a brighter note, I think yesterday was the best day we have had so far. We talked a bit and that's good. And he said he still loves me... and that I should embrace our memories... and that we are working to try to make those memories again... I just wish it wasn't going to take so long... I just want to be okay again... And I want to be with him... Like at least hang out with him... There were so many times I was looking forward to us hanging out... I'm going to ask him if we can meet up later and talk... I think I really need to... It will probably be hard though... I'll probably cry... but hopefully it makes things better... I feel like I need to talk and get things out and stuff... and I really want him to know how I feel... it's like one day I'm doing ok and then the next, I'm really not... I wish I had something to look forward to that's actually reasonably close and not months away... then I could focus on that and maybe stop moping.... cuz I've been moping which I know doesn't really help but hey. It hasn't even been a week yet... and he has said more than once that there's not that much different with us now... but I think there's enough that is different... Like the fact we aren't together... how I have no idea when things will be ok again... how I don't know when the next time we will hang out will be... it sucks... and its like all those memories of when I was really happy and we were really happy and really in love just make it more obvious that I'm not happy now. I'm trying to look forward to the future us, where we are even better, it's just that it seems so far away... so far away that I can barely see it... Like I said before, I'm hoping that in early to mid June is when we will get back together... actually I am definitely hoping for earlier than that, but I think that early to mid June is actually realistic... and that's FOUR months away... maybe about 18 weeks... maybe about 130 days... that's a third of a year... that's a really long time... that means that I am maybe 4% of the way there.... but by next Saturday, I'll be almost 10% of the way there... it's going to slowly... like this week seemed to drag... I just want it to go faster... as far as I know, we are still at a 4 or 5 outta 10 on the friendship scale... I can't wait until we go up even just one... that way I will know that we are making forward progress... because right now, I feel like I'm going no where, like all I'm doing is treading water... I think I'll start to get better, or even better, once I know that we are starting to go somewhere.... because I'm also afraid that we won't get anywhere, that we'll just be stuck... hopefully I can actually wait until the 14th to ask about where we are and hopefully by then we are moving.... like I said, honestly even if we just move up a half step, I'll at least know we are making progress... But I guess thinking about it, I think the beginning will probably go pretty slow... we still are kinda in the post relationship stage... once we get going, I think it will go faster... and once it's warm out again, then he won't be skiing anymore and there will be more things to do so I hope that we will hang out more then.... but it still all seems so far away... Hopefully by the end of March it will be warm and we will be decent friends... I really really hope we are together this summer.... Summer is a great time for us because we get to hang out more and there is a lot more things to do... and also if we aren't together, then I probably wouldn't be seeing him a whole not. or at least not alone... I want this summer to be great... And I want a great summer with him... it just kinda sucks that it seems like I have to wait until anything good can happen... And I'm kinda tempted to tell him that if he wants to see all my lovely feelings, he should look at my blog... but idk... it might scare him :P But I haven't said anything mean about him... like I'm not mad at him.... like I said, I get why he did it... it just still hurts and sucks... I really wish I could just hurry up and see it as us trying to be better in the future instead of us being apart... I do see that sometimes though... also, what has been giving me hope is knowing that we have to talk to become good friends... it would really suck if we weren't talking... like this morning since he hasn't texted me back yet :P and we will have to hang out and spend time together too... so that gives me hope.... and we still are gonna watch that movie together some time... I'm hopeful for that... Idk.... honestly... it almost feels like this is just a dream... like I can't believe it happened again... I just... idk... at the same time though, I know this is real... I hope things go well.... and honestly, we have gotten back together after worse break ups, ones where I really had no hope after them... ones where we hardly even talked after them... and those ones only took like a month and a half, or two months... but this one will be longer... it has to be... which sucks... but once things get going, they should be getting better... I have to think of it as each day we spend building our relationship, the better we will be... so sitting here at Day 6, a Saturday, I am still sad and still really miss us, just like I always will be but soon it won't be in front of everything else, at least hopefully soon it will start to fall back a little bit, but also here at Day 6, I have hope. I hope everything goes well, I hope things start to get moving along, I hope it will truly make us better in the end... scratch that. I know it will make us better. It's just the getting there part. Because we still love each other... we still want to be together... we just also want to make us better so that we can last forever.

2012

yeah yeah yet another blog post... But I realized I hadn't done a 2012 summary yet.... 2012 was seriously so far the best year so far.... I spent that whole entire year with Z... that's pretty crazy! That hadn't happened yet. So between having an amazing relationship all year long, there was also a ton of other great memories. We really finally had a lot of freedom and it was great. I spent so much of 2012 happy. It was my happiest year for sure. I finished sophomore year and started junior year and in between there, I had a great summer. Honestly, I don't know how 2013 is going to go... it seems like for up to the first half of it (hopefully) I'll be single... which is the longest time I have spent being single since I have started dating.... I'm going to try to not let that really affect me but I don't know. Honestly the 2nd half of the year very well may be better than the 1st half. Just have to see. Who knows, maybe this year will beat 2012 but as of right now, I'm not sure that that will happen. Just have to see.

and I'm already blogging again...

So I just went back and looked through my blog posts up until a little more than a year ago... a year ago almost exactly, I was so happy.... Like I seemed really happy... And now I'm not really that happy... and it makes me even more sad... I want to be that happy again! And another thing... while I want time to go by faster, I wish there was more time, like for Z and I to talk... because between school and him working and homework and stuff, we really haven't gotten that much time to talk and every night after he's asleep, I still have stuff that I wanted to talk about... so that sucks.... And I just.... really want him to tell me he loves me... this is the longest time in a really long time that we haven't said that.... But yeah I read the post from last year's Jobs and other ones from this same time and the one from last year's Valentine's Day... Last V-Day he took me to see The Vow and before breaking up, I had been thinking about asking him to take me to see Safe Haven this year. But yeah that more than likely isn't happening. And last year, in my post, I had been really gushing about how great of a night it had been and how happy I was........

so uhm

Today marks day 4 since Z and I broke up..... he said it's so that we can take the time to actually become close friends... so that we will be stronger in the future... which I understand, but it still sucks. I'm still hurting and time is crawling on by... It's going to take forever... Like he doesn't think it will happen before summer... that's 4 months from now.... And I already miss us.... But I guess I have been missing us for a while because pretty much for the past month things haven't been that good with us, but I kept hoping we would pull through it and be great again. Because when we were good, we were really great. And I guess what also really sucks is that we had hung out the night before he broke up with me and he had said that nothing was wrong with us and that we were good and I was starting to think that things were going to be getting better. Guess not. And it also sucks because I had been really thinking about and looking forward to things in the next few months that we would do together.... like Valentine's Day... and watching Paranormal Activity 4 together... and Prom... and just generally hanging out once he isn't so busy with skiing... and studying for our AP test together.... going for drives... going hiking.... just generally loving each other.... but now, I really doubt I'll have a Valentine, who knows if he will ask me to Prom, we probably won't be hanging out that much, especially alone, we won't be loving each other openly.... but what gives me some hope is that he did say he would watch the movie with me, and I think there's a decent chance we will study together and maybe go for a drive or hiking... and I mean we have to talk to become friends which is what this is all about... but its hard because we already know so much about each other and there's still feelings.... And I feel like I'm walking a fragile line... I never know if something I want to say will go over well or not... I wish I could seriously fast forward til honestly Valentine's Day because that's about 2 weeks from now and I think that would be a good time to ask him about where we are.... plus he leaves the next day for myrtle beach... lucky... I could really use the beach right about now.... I think I'm doing ok... but then I think of one of the millions of memories that we have and then it gets a little hard... there are so many happy memories.... I just want us back to great again.... I hope it won't take so long for us to be best friends.... Alex and Sam are at 9 on the friend scale and I'm at a 4 or 5... It seems like I have a longggg way to go... but yet, I know that the more time that passes, hopefully the easier it gets and the faster time goes by.... and while I want to fast forward to when we are best friends, I also want to enjoy all the little good things with us... because while we hardly talk in person, when we do, its actually pretty good.... I just don't know how I'm supposed to compete with Sam especially.. and I know that I shouldnt think of it as competing, I just didnt know how else to say it.. But they have band together and that really seems to be something that brings them together... I'm just scared I guess. Scared that we will never get there... even though he has said that he thinks we will... I'm also honestly scared that I'll have a hard time being really happy until then... which is bad, like I should eventually be happy again... and I mean I am when I'm with people and I'm not thinking about what happened.... its just when I'm alone with my thoughts that it gets really hard... and it sucks.... like everything seems to really suck now... the situation sucks... there is so much uncertainty... and I can't wait until about the middle to end of March when it starts to really get nice outside again... I can't wait until we can do stuff outside again... like even just going to the park but also taking pictures and hiking and stuff.... and then Z and I can do more stuff... like I was really looking forward to when we could play bean bags and catch and stuff outside.... the sunshine makes everything better and makes me happy... I hope we will still do some of that stuff this spring... and oh my gosh driving with the windows down is amazing! I can't wait til then! Honestly I think the first couple days where it is really nice again, I'll want to go driving just because it will be so nice... driving in the sunshine with the windows down and some feel good country music playing.... seriously doesn't get better than that... except if Z was there and I will probably ask him if he wants to go with me when those days come... hopefully he isn't busy... and hanging out as a group.... I think we will do that more now... hopefully he goes and it goes well... oh and T, I'm trying to say this in the nicest way possible... I hope you and N come out with us more... Like I'mma need you and I think it would be good for you guys... cuz like it sucks when I wanna hang out with people but you and N are by yourselves and won't come out for even a little bit... It's sooooooooooooooo much better when you are there! but yeah.... gah... I really miss us... the good us... the really happy and really in love us..... I want it back and I hope this becoming friends thing really works..... I think the more time goes on, the more I'll miss us but yet the more I'll keep it in.... I just love being with him and spending time with him and all the sweet things he would do for me... and even all the little things... I love the little things.... like even just when we would be driving and he'd put a hand on my knee... it would make me feel really connected..... I still remember that night from this fall when Z was driving and it was me in the front seat and Alex in the back.... and A said that we should seriously be together forever and get married and stuff.... that was probably one of my happiest memories.... I felt really connected that night.... oh and tomorrow would have been our 16 month anniversary..... boo.... oh and another thing I honestly was kinda looking forward to with Z.... I actually kinda wanted him and I to go to the cemetery by ourselves some time... maybe we could still do that sometime... oh and whenever he comes over to watch PA4 with me... I'll probably be really excited and really nervous... but I think it will go well.... and then once the movie is done, I'll give him the option of either leaving or we could do something else... it will be up to him.... I don't want to force anything.... I hope we get back together in like the middle of June.... definitely by the 4th of July... I want to watch fireworks with him... and then we would still have quite a bit of summer to be together and do fun summer things.... That's still forever away though and that sucks.... I hope Johnny Holmes still goes well... like seriously by then I will really hope we are together by then... and if we aren't, hopefully he still wants to go... otherwise that would be kinda sucky... oh and another thing that would really suck.... if he ends up asking some other girl to Prom and then I spend that night home alone, by myself and lonely.... that would really suck.... blah..... I should probably be done with this now... I've been writing for legit a half hour.... But now you really know how crazy my brain is right now... oh wait I have another thing to talk about.... I wonder what he did with our stuff.... He said he's still going to use the blanket I made him and that puppy is sitting on his bed.... but what about the pictures and notes and stuff like that... what about the Jobs stuff... and I have quite a few questions for him yet but I'm too afraid that by asking them, I'd somehow hurt us... we need to move forward, not backward.... hopefully things go well.... I'll probably be blogging more now.... I wish I would have blogged more when things were really good.... All memories can do is fade... like when we went for dinner at perkins at like 8:30 at night... when we went for a walk by the river and found that shooting range... when he surprised me with flowers... when we drove through that neighborhood and picked out the house with the best Christmas lights... when we would go out for lunch together... when we went to Fairmont... and had lunch with my grandma... when we watched Big Brother episodes for hours at a time... when we went to that Twins game together... when we would take naps together at night before I'd have to leave.... all of our goodbyes when we knew we would see each other soon.... so many memories....