tonight

So yay for tonight.... kinda. Hanging out with T, A, and N, that was fun. Honestly I had fun. I laughed more tonight than I have all week. I love hanging out with you guys. But yet it is bittersweet. I wish Z would have been there. Or at least that I could see him tonight, that he could visit me and talk, but he has plans... which I really want to ask him about but I don't want to look like a creeper.... so yeah I sent him a like 15 text vent session... is that bad? I hope not... maybe it makes me look crazy but I had a ton to say. That's why I really wanted to see him and talk tonight.... in my vent, I put this situation into words pretty well, I said that my brain understands this, but my heart doesn't, which I think is pretty accurate. and also in that vent, I mentioned that I had blogged... I wonder if he will look at this... if he does, he probably won't like this next part... A was "hitting" on me but he jokes with that stuff a lot so I mean he sounded like he was kidding when he said it, but at the same time, I didn't know if he was totally kidding or if he actually kinda meant it.... And talking to T about it now... she said he wants the P... like seriously... which makes sense... during pop pong when we were on opposite teams, we would both  go after the ball... and there was at least a couple times when he was on me more than he probably had to be.... and then when we were on the same team, he was right behind me during most of my shots, like he didn't move over, he just stayed behind me.... Honestly, the male attention was nice, but I still wished it was coming from Z. Especially since A seriously hitting on me and making sexual comments about me... that can't end well. A and Z are best friends. How could either of us do that to Z? ...Honestly I think A would do it. He would probably feel bad about it afterwards, but he would do it. I don't think I could. At all. That would hurt Z so much, and I know that it would. So I couldn't do it. Not knowing what it would do to him. He would be really pissed at A, like he would probably actually physically hurt him. He would be really hurt towards me. Who knows how it would affect our friendship. Honestly, I wonder how Z would react just to A hitting on me and wanting the P. Like I could see him being pissed about it, but I could also see him not caring that much since I mean it's A. I wouldn't tap that. He'd tap boys. No thanks. And A is actually like my 2nd best guy friend. Z may not think we are that great of actual friends, but I still think he is above A. A and I don't ever have that serious of conversations. We just joke around and he makes me laugh. Like the most serious convo we have had lately was today when he asked me about our break up and how I am doing. And even that was a really short conversation. Gah I don't know how I feel about him actually wanting the P.   However, I don't think he thinks he will actually get it. Which is good because he's not going to. Giving up the P is a big deal to me. I couldn't do it with someone I don't love. I mean, I love him as a friend, but even then I sometimes hate him :P he can get annoying. I just miss the male attention from Z. Just blah. Like come on A. But at the same time, that's just kinda how he is. Idk. I miss Z. Seriously babe. And I hate all these stupid Valentine's Day commercials! They all remind me that as far as I know, I don't have a Valentine! ugh! and A saying that he would hurt T (boy) if he went after me and that Z probably would too, it made me feel good, like I have a couple guys to watch over me. Because omg if T goes after me.... just no. Eww. Legit. That would be the biggest downgrade ever. Never happening. Disgusting. He will literally have multiple people going after him. But I don't think anyone needs to worry. I don't think I'm going to be dating at all. It just wouldn't feel right, not for a long time. My heart still belongs to Z. So it wouldn't be fair to anyone who tries to go after me. And I don't want to turn into R after their long time relationship ended. She went boy crazy. I'm not going to do that. The most I will do is flirt occasionally....... I hope Z texts me back somewhat soon... I hope he doesn't wait until morning... the best conversations happen at night... that's totally true... I hope I didn't hurt things... I'll be so hard on myself if I did hurt things... I'm always hard on myself when I make things worse.... but he told me to not be afraid of taking risks and doing what I feel. Well that was what I was feeling. Take it or leave it. My heart told me to do it.... and honestly, I really needed to get a lot of that out... writing it on here isn't the same. My blog doesn't talk to me, it doesn't have an opinion or advice or a reaction. And I know that I am still holding back from Z. I really just want to tell him that.... I love you babe... but friends don't do that.... but friends do talk about serious stuff and emotions and I mean honestly it's a good things that I can still really talk to him like that... I don't even care that I probably looked crazy... I just hope I didn't hurt things... and honestly, whenever I see him in the hall or something, I still want to flirt with him... I still want to come up behind him and greet him with a slap on the ass... sorry if that was awkward, but it's true. Like that's my first thought, to flirt. But then that thought is quickly followed by my brain telling me that friends don't do that. And I should just stop blogging now or else I never will. See how crazy the inside of my brain is lately? There is always so much running through it. Gah..... miss you....