wish upon a star

I really wish I could flash forward like 7 months and see what all has happened and how things are going and stuff. I want to know if all this will be worth it.... because he keeps saying IF....

change but not really

BLAH Like you know we are doing pretty decent. I mean we are better friends, we have been talking in groups, we aren't fighting, I'm not as boring as I was :P We are doing pretty well. And you know that. And you know how bad I want a second chance. And honestly I think I deserve one. But no. "maybe someday but not right now" it's so frustrating. I never thought I would be in this situation again. It sucks. And it's like he hardly cares. And UGH how long is a while? I really hope I get to see him tomorrow but idk. I'll probably be surprised if we can. And idk how it would go. I miss him and want him and he doesn't miss me and doesn't want me. And that stings.

you you you

I'm probably trying to pull him in too much so he's trying to pull away. That's probably what's going on. Because he says the occasional thing that gives me hope but then it's weird again. Like blah. I asked if he still wants us to eventually be a couple again... "if it happens, it meant to be" I don't think he could have given me a more confusing answer. I think it's a good answer though? Then I asked if he thinks we are making progress, and he said yes. Not a ya or sure or idk. A yes. So that does give me hope. But idk. I guess it's all up to fate now? That if we are really meant to be, it will happen. I personally think we are meant to be. But who knows what will happen. I dunno what really to do anymore. With him. Cuz I miss him and stuff but don't want to smother him and idk if he misses me, possibly because I still tell him all the time. Idk I hope things get better now that he will be back. It will be better to be able to actually see each other.

ooooooooooooooooo

Yeah I get he's on vacation and trying to get away from all of this. But idk I still wish he would seem happy when talking to me. Because it makes me wonder what's up with us. Like how he feels about me and us. Because I more than anyone know how fast someone can change their mind. I just.... still have a hard time believing this is real... Like I seriously thought we would be together forever... I never thought I would be in this situation again. It's hard. And for a while I can forget about it and pretend everything is okay but then reality crashes over me like a wave. And it sucks.

and cold

I really hope that it's just because he's on vacation and he's busy... but he's acting like weird and kinda I dunno distant. But like I said, he's busy so yeah. I hope that's all that is. Cuz blah. It's just not the same when all it is is texting... and I still have at least 3 or 4 days of this. Blah. I'm trying. I. just. want. us. to. be. good. again.

soooo cold

it is so cold outside! I wish you were here. And it's going to really snow Thursday and Friday. I wish you were here.

mhm

aaaaaand it seems like we are kinda hot and cold. Not like overly crazy, it's just kinda frustrating. Like how he says we can still do stuff like hanging out and looking at the stars and hiking and 4th of July and Prom and Johnny. And that we will probably still act like a couple. And then I said that warming up with him was one of my favorite things about winter and he said to stop saying "was" because it still is. And that if everything works out, he sees no reason for us not to get back together. But yet he still doesn't want a girlfriend. Blah. I know, I know I keep focusing on the when but I just am really curious about how long I have to wait. I need to focus on the how.

S.C.

I really wish I was in South Carolina right now... I love the beach! Lucky Z! UGH! Sooo I think that we might still have a date to go see Save Haven when he gets back... not sure if I already said that... But yeah I think that would be fun :) I dunno I feel like things go really back and forth with us... Some days are great and then others are pretty ehh... And whenever we are together alone, it is seriously great. It's just like when we were dating. So like why can't we have that all of the time? I dunno maybe I'm jut thinking about all of this too much. But I am a girl. What do you expect? I guess what's maybe the most frustrating is that he thinks it is going to take so long.... Like honestly, Johnny Holmes this year is gonna be July 20th, and I have no idea if we will be together by then. It sucks that it's not up to me at all. It's all up to him. I am waiting on him. It sucks because there really is no end point anytime soon. We are now 3 weeks into this and I think we have made quite a bit of progress but yet nothing has changed. Although, I do have to admit that in past break ups, we have gone from a lot worse right after breaking up to getting back together like a month and a half later. I mean we are talking. Quite a bit really. But I think we all know that this time is going to be a lot longer.... Which sucks.... Prom is at the beginning of May and I am pretty sure that we won't be together by then... Which sucks... And it's getting to be Prom-Asking season now so like yeah.... I mean I am fairly sure that he is either going to ask me to go with him or he's not going to go... But I don't know what he thinks about it... I mean T said that he said it would be really fun to go as friends... And I think it would more than likely be fun too... But it would kinda be bittersweet because I was looking forward to it as a couple... and it's a coupley thing... But yet I kinda think we would be somewhat coupley too.... Blah and yet while I want to know if he's going to ask me, I only want to know now if he's not going to, because if he is going to, I want it to be a surprise... Although honestly I bet he doesn't even know if he's going to ask me or not. Blah. I can't wait until he gets back. He gets back Saturday... And I hope we can hang out then but idk if he will want to since he will have just gotten home. BLAH. I will admit that I am doing a lot better than I was. I just wish that the bad times would go faster and the good times would go slower. But I guess don't we all? I still don't really know what goes on in his head. Like he says its not that different and that he still loves me, well then why aren't we together? I mean yeah, I do get why we aren't together right now... But I don't think it will take as long as he thinks it will for us to be better again... Like if we got back together right now, I would be the best girlfriend ever, just saying. I want him to want me. I don't know how to do that. But there's really nothing I can do about it. I mean he still wants me eventually, I just wish that eventually wasn't so far away. Which I know that I keep saying that but that is how I really feel. And with A, I think I like the attention and I like the stuff he says, but I wish it was coming from Z. Like every time he does something, in my head I replay it but with Z doing it. Which may sound creepy but whatever. And I know I have been really depressing and dramatic, but don't think that I can't go on without him. Because I can. I have been doing it for 3 weeks now. And right now, most of the time I am ok. Sometimes I am really not, but most of the time, I am actually doing pretty good. I mean yeah I get sad about it, but I am in no way depressed. I still like to hang out with people, I still get happy, I still laugh and smile. I just wish I was still with him because he added happiness to my life. He wasn't all the happiness in my life. He just added a whole spectrum of happiness that was amazing. So yeah. I make my feelings known. And I mean he cares, it just doesn't change anything. But like come on. We are already better friends. I think I would talk to him more when we are in a group. I would try to drop things more so that there isn't bull shit fighting. I want to make it work.