fall

I just.... can't help but feel like this is the end. I'm having a hard night. And I'm really wondering if things with this girl is going to be the end of anything we were maybe going to be. And that makes me really sad. A little while ago I kinda came to the realization that our car visits might be done. And that makes me really sad. I'm just.... this can't be the end........ I am fine if it's the end for now...... But please don't let this be a forever thing. And I get that there is no way to know what's going to happen in the future, even what will happen tomorrow. But God damn shit fuck if this is the end.......... As much as I really wish I was able to just walk away from this and be happy and as much as I don't want this to cripple me..... I just.... I'm having a hard time finding words. In case you couldn't tell. When you care about someone as much as I care about him, this stuff really sucks. It hurts. That's probably the best way to put it. Hurt.
It sucks when things get ripped out from under you.
Why is this happening to me









I just can't stand the thought of not getting a second chance..............

strong

some times, it is so hard to be strong. like right now.

honest

I'll be honest.... Before I came to school today, I prayed. For strength and guidance through the next couple days. Because while things between us have been actually really good the past couple days now, I still know that today and tomorrow he's hanging out with her and that they are probably going to get together some point really soon. And that sucks. I am trying to not think about it because whenever I do, I feel crushed. And seriously, I'm doing my best to not read into anything that goes on between him and I because I know he just wants to be friends. So there shouldn't be anything to read into. So I'll stop myself. Like how he wore those sweatpants today. They are just pants...... right? And yeah how I said I wouldn't talk to him much, I think for now that has been completely thrown out the window. I just... I don't know. I still wish one day everything will go back to how they were and he will hold me and tell me he loves me and we will be together and happy. And maybe that will happen some day. But for now I know I have to just get through this, on my own.

yeah about that...

So you know what I said in my last post about not talking to him that much? Well a few hours later he had texted asking if I was mad since I didn't text back but really it was just a phone issue. Aaand yeah we have pretty much been talking since then. And I think it's been really good. Probably the best, most normal conversations in a while and I really like it. So I don't know how much I'm gonna really go with that plan anymore... since I had come up with it when I thought he wasn't talking to me.... Just have to see how things go I guess. I've been a lot happier today. Probably has to do with how I gave blood and saved 3 lives today :) that is seriously a great feeling!

and of course now I think I made things awkward. Way to go Josie.

I mean, for now, I think I'm doing a fairly good job staying strong, but I don't know if that will actually continue once they start dating. Since it sounds like they are more than likely going to.

Anything is possible.

will it be good?

So I think I have decided something.
I don't know how long til he will see this so I guess sooner or later he will know about this.
I think I am going to do my best to not talk to him very much for I don't know a week or so, depends on how things go. Of course, if he texts me, I'll text back and have a conversation and stuff, and honestly I would probably really like that, but I'll do my best to limit myself from texting him first. Because he said he wanted breathing room and some space so I should try to do that for him. And I know that they are coming up to a turning point, and I can't do anything to stop it, so I should just let him do his thing and figure it out himself and I shouldn't try to interfere. Hopefully it will be good for me too and help me move on. But for now it just hurts. This whole situation hurts. But I can't change anything, things have to run their course. And hopefully it will be good for us too. Because I think everyone knows that no matter how much I will try and move on, I will still be rooting for us. Go us! haha :P I hope we make it in the end. It's still totally possible.

Hopefully another thing the helps is me being so busy this month. Tomorrow is blood drive, Friday is Big Nine, Saturday is Prom, Tuesday I have training, I work 2 other times next week, week after that is AP testing, that weekend I'm going to Iowa State for a college visit, maybe a week for a breather, then finals and then it's already summer. And honestly, summer kinda scares the shit out of me right now. Everything changes once it's summer. Relationships/friendships really change. And I don't want things with me and him to get even more distant. Yeah, summer is scaring me.

It will all be ok... right?

this is what it feels like

And now that I am home, the tears can fall.

So basically, there is no chance of us getting back together in the near future. I have to move on, give him some breathing room, show him that I am independent and don't need him. But I don't think I need him, I just really want him. And once things with this other girl are done, whenever that is, it could be anywhere from in a couple days to many months, no one knows, then we will have a chance again, but he doesn't want me holding on to that. So I am going to do my best to move on, I really am, but I have no idea how that's going to go. I just.... wish I could have a different brain. Which sounds crazy because I got a 29 on the ACT. But I wish I wasn't so emotional and didn't feel sad so deeply. I wish I could easily let go of things and stop thinking about the past. But I can't. I'm programmed this way and it sucks. I keep thinking of how happy we were. You know we were happy. I know towards the end things were rocky, but you know that we can really make each other happy. We were great, we both know that. We have so many great memories. And I keep thinking about them. Another thing that makes it really hard... I was really looking forward to this summer with you. Summer with you was going to be so great. And now it sounds like I have to start letting go of that. Letting go of us, is the hardest thing. I don't think you really get that. For me, walking away from us, is excruciating. I can't just do it like you could. I feel like I have to give up on us. You and I have been something I could always believe in and it's like now I just have to drop it like it doesn't matter. Maybe I was crazy, but I had really seen us lasting forever. God damn letting go is so hard. But at the same time, now that I am actually being forced to, maybe I actually will and maybe I will start to be go with the flow and enjoy things more. Maybe I'll actually move forward. But the future is a crazy thing, no one knows what will happen and it is the most unreliable piece of shit. Because who knows. There's the possibility that say 3 or 4 weeks from now, things with them will have already ended and we will be starting to work on us again and I'll look back at this and say "If only I knew then what I know now". Or maybe it will be 3 or 4 months from now that that would happen. Or maybe 3 or 4 months from now we will both be separately happy. There's no way to know anything about the future. That's what I have really learned. Things can go a complete 180 in the blink of an eye. And I really fucking hate it. I just.... don't know where to go from here. Like I am going to try my hardest to move on, believe me, but I don't know how it's going to go, at all. Honestly, I thought I had already moved on some. I was okay with just taking things day by day and yeah nothing would happen but it was still ok. But like... now... I would always tell myself, don't worry until things do change because that means he is starting to get serious about someone else... and that always helped me calm down... but now things are changing like that. And even now I am trying to calm myself down and tell myself to stop worrying and just go with it, that God knows what he's doing, that fate has a plan for me... But it's hard to just throw my hands in the air and give up any control I may have had. I am trying! But I also have been crying pretty much the entire time I have been writing this. I'm frustrated too. And I'm scared. I'm so scared. Terrified. I just.... he says moving on will help us if we do get back together. But right now I am struggling. Hell who am I kidding, the past 3 months of my life have been an on and off struggle. Now is one of the biggest struggles so far. But I have to brush myself off and lift up my chin and just go on with my life. I'm going to do the best I can. I'm still trying to process everything that has happened in the past week. It has been crazy. Maybe I just need to focus on me for a while. But at the same time, I don't think I ever really stopped focusing on myself and what I want and such. Right now I am in absolute darkness but I know there are brighter days ahead. I know this is not a thought someone who is doing a good job of moving on would have, but I really really wonder and want to know how long things with him and her will last. Like I said earlier, what if it is really quick and before I know it, I am looking back on this wishing I had known. Because at this point, it still isn't even a relationship yet. So Josie, stop freaking out. Stop it right now. Because yes, he had a good first date and has feelings for her, but it was still just a first date. Who knows if they will even go out. Whether they do or not, you are going to remain strong and make it through whatever life throws at you. Clearly, it isn't always going to be easy, maybe it will hardly ever be easy, but eventually it will get better. Things will work out in the end. If 2 people are meant to be together, eventually they will be.








I'm still a terrible person and terrible at moving on and hope that things with them end really quickly and that we can be together soon. It's totally possible.

That's my life. I finally get on a positive note, boost myself up, and then a thought like that comes into my head.

What really sucks, is I had a feeling this was going to happen. I had a feeling that things were going to get distant again. I just hope that, eventually, we swing back again and will be close and great again. Because... this whole time during the break up, we haven't been able to stay away from each other. I know, you were kinda leading me on, but still for quite a while you didn't stop seeing me. That has to mean something. Fate, please let me have this back eventually. Pretty please?

I still love you. I love you so much. Maybe on here will be the only way I get to tell you that for a while. And that sucks.

ik ik

I know I just got done blogging but yeah.....
I just want things between us to be good again. Please.
And I still go back to January and wish I would have been better.
And it sucks that we were doing pretty good and then this happened.
I mean even Friday night was pretty good with us. He was the one that pulled me back in close after I had moved away a bit. We had a good time out in the middle of no where. We were cute. Seriously we are great together. But things can change in the blink of an eye I guess.
I hope the next month goes by fast. I want to know where things will be. I wish I could jump ahead to say my birthday and see what things will be like and then come back here and live my life. It would be nice to have some idea of what is going to happen. Not knowing sucks.
Can we just be great, just you and me?
I hope we get another chance... I think we would be so good. So great. Guess we will have to wait and see if we get to that point. I hope we do. I can't imagine this being the end. Please don't let this be the end.

why

.................................
it's been 3 months now... I guess I had hoped that this stuff would be ending, rather than beginning. Because there's no chance of anything happening between him and I until he has pursued stuff with her. And who knows how long that will take. And it sucks because before she came into the picture, things were going pretty well with us. I thought we were moving closer towards maybe something happening. But then this what if popped up and now it's off to a good start. And I'm trying my hardest to accept how things are but it's really hard. Shit keeps getting thrown at me. I really am trying to do my best. But I don't really know what to do or what to think. I guess I am just bummed. Things were moving along for us and now this has put a stop to it. And he says nothing has changed but I don't know if that's true. I mean, I don't want anything to have changed, I want things to go back to normal, but can they?
And he has told me to move on. And for now I think I'm doing the best I can as far as that goes.
I hope things don't take too long to figure out. Because yeah, the first date went well, but you never know what will happen after that. Who knows if a relationship will come out of it........ And during past breaks, he has gone after other girls... so this has happened before and I've had to deal with it before... But this time, it's different. Things with us were so much more serious this time around.
I am trying so hard to believe that if we are meant to be together, eventually we will be. Fate. It's something that everyone wants to believe in but is never 100% sure it's right and true.
I'm trying to be ok. I am. But I'm also crying.
Oh and looky here. I'm listening to music and the one song that has really made me think of him during this break up just came on. Ask me about it if you want.
It's crazy how fast things change and how completely they change in that little time. So who knows what things will be like in even a week from now.

Just know that I am seriously trying my best to keep moving forward and living life and I am trying so so hard to be happy. I just know that I still want you so it's hard to try to make the most out of every day when I can't because of how things are. Like I always want to strive to make every day the best it can possibly be, because you just never know when your last day is going to be. But I can't do that if you won't let me. If that makes sense at all?

We have something really special................... right?

....you can always text me responses to things I have said on here, ok? Feel free to do that if you ever want to