this Christmas

well ya know, I think this Christmas was one that I really like went back to the roots of what it's about. Not much about this Christmas was like a stereotypical Christmas. There was no snow, no piles of presents. It was more like what Christmas should be about. I just got to enjoy time with my family and isn't that what really matters? I think too many people automatically think presents when they hear Christmas. But ya know, a Christmas without many presents was still a great Christmas. It was really special this year and I loved it.

so happy :)

so yeah even though it really doesn't feel like Christmas Eve outside, in any sense of the word, it feels like it in my heart. That's my cheesy line for the day :P But yeah especially after yesterday. Basically, my boyfriend is amazing. I'm not even slightly exaggerating. One the same day that we did our Christmas, another couple we are friends with did their Christmas. She got a heart necklace with a diamond on it.... but honestly, I am in no way jealous. What I got was so much more meaningful. And I love it. And I suppose I should finally tell you what I got! :) I got a tie blanket, even though I was really thinking that I wasn't anymore. And the pattern on it is a Twins one and even the fact that it is Twins makes it special since he was the one that got me into baseball. And then he got me an Iowa sweatshirt. Which is special because I'm an Iowa native and he knows that I love Iowa. And then there is one last part. It's a bracelet with little hearts all over it and then a big heart that says "forever & always" on one side and has our anniversary on the other. And it is so sweet! I will fully admit to almost crying when I opened it. It was an awkward half crying half not but yeah it was good! And yeah it was so nice and sweet and special and I love it. And I definitely wouldn't trade it for a necklace with a diamond on it. So yeah I'm in a really really good mood!

Merry Christmas! <3

super excited :)

so today was our last day of school before winter break! Freedom at last! I am going to be spending many hours in my bed because I am so tired. But don't worry, that isn't what this post is about :P

I'm getting really excited for Friday. That is the day that my boyfriend and I are going to do our own little Christmas! And I am super excited/nervous to see what he got me. Because everyone keeps saying I am going to love it and it is sweet and all of that so yeah! For whatever reason, I have a feeling I'm gonna cry. Just because that is just how I am. But oh my gosh if for some reason I end up not liking it... I am going to feel so horrible. Like I seriously will be so sad. But at least I know he will like his gift. He just might not like opening it... put it in a box... wrapped that box 4 times. Put it in another box... wrapped it again! And all that's in that box is mints and gum and a couple hershey kisses. He will love me so much(: I think it will really be a great day. And I am going to be spending like 9 or 10 hours there so yeah :) so excited!

and then of course I am excited for Christmas on Sunday too. Although I'm not getting much from my parents since they are paying for my whole South Carolina Trip but honestly, that is totally ok with me. Like I don't even really want all that much for Christmas. Just a couple movies and some music. Maybe some clothes. But I already know that I am more than likely getting that. Besides, a trip is like an amazing gift by itself. It will be such an amazing experience!

But anyways I'm just in a really great mood :) and looking forward to so many things! <3

of course

so of course now that we are only a few days away from Christmas, and I already have his present, I suddenly have like 3 or 4 pretty decent gift ideas for my boyfriend. And they actually are pretty good. At least his birthday is coming up in like 3 months but yeah. It's weird because normally I can never think of what the heck I should give him but now I actually have ideas. And y'all probably don't even care so I'll just shut up now :P

brown

well it's definitely looking like it will be a brown Christmas. It is a week from Christmas and it is currently 46 degrees outside. That's messed up. I mean I don't really like winter but we should at least have a white Christmas. Last year, we had like 2 feet of snow on the ground for Christmas and this year, none. It's gonna be sad but oh well. There really is no way to change it so it's best not to dwell on it. It will still be amazing :)

not meee

so it seems like a lot of people have been having problems lately. Like 2 days ago, one of the couples I know broke up. Honestly can't say I'm surprised but I still feel bad for the poor girl. It would kinda suck to be in that position. And then on top of that, there is another couple that seems to be having problems. And they were one of those couples that everyone honestly thought that they really could make it all the way. But lately he seems to be pulling away from her. She's a good friend of mine so I get to hear about a lot of the stuff. It sounds like he wants some space. Cuz while I love her, she can be clingy and demanding and I think think her expectations are quite right. And I honestly don't really think she is mature enough to handle how mature they want their relationship to be. I do hope they pull through and get through it. Hopefully something really brings that back together. There's another girl that just seems to be disappointed with her relationship. I hope they get through it too though because they are so cute!

And through the mist of this, my own relationship couldn't be better. And I'm not even just saying that. Things really have been super great with us. We have bother been so happy and happy to have each other and it is truly amazing. This time really is different :)

and one thing about that too which I am not sure if I have mentioned or not is that he is getting me something else for Christmas than I thought he was going to. Thanks a lot T :P so yeah... and I guess it might be something like kinda big. And I'm super nervous excited about it. I'm excited because I'm sure it will be amazing and I wanna know what it is but yet I am also nervous because what if for some odd reason I don't like it? That would be so horrible! Blah I was totally fine with my blanket but apparently that wasn't good enough :P Now it almost makes my present for him seem kind of lame. He says he will love it and I'm sure he will but still it's like oh. But good news is that Christmas is really soon so I don't have to wait much longer for that. And I kinda think that I'm going to be the jerk that wraps his present like 4 times just to watch him open it :)

ok so one more thing! I have started this project thinger for my boyfriend. It is pictures of things that are like significant to our relationship and for most of them I'll use photo editting to add "I love you" to it some where. So it is definitely a more artsy present but I really hope that he likes it. It's probably one of the most meaningful things I could give him. So yeah when I decide I am done with it, I will print them off and probably put them in a little book thinger. I'm thinken it might be an early birthday present. His birthday is at the end of March. So I have time which is good because I need it to snow to do part of it and it looks like we are actually going to have a brown Christmas this year :P But yeah I'm excited to work on this project and see how it turns out in the end :)

relief :)

so the past several days have been such a whirlwind! Sunday was our choir concerts with the symphony and they were ok. I would say we did good given the circumstances. Monday just went by way too fast and then last night we had our big school concert! Aaaaand my boyfriend came :) and it was really nice. and we totally kicked ass. and it was super fun! It was totally a rush and then yeah I love being a part of our concert choir. Then tonight the boyfriend and I went to order his tux for JOBS. And that was actually pretty fun. Probably because we had a really nice lady helping us out. And we found a color that pretty much matches my shoes exactly! so yay! Now everything seems like it is getting really real. like I have my dress and my shoes and we have gotten his tux reserved and yeah! its all coming together! So excited :)

:)

so basically today was like the best mood lifter ever. Well the best mood lifter without seeing my boyfriend :P

it started off all bleh since I had to get up early for a Saturday. But it was because I was going shopping with my grandma! And I went into that trip thinking I would just get my shoes for JOBS. I ended up with two pairs of shoes and three bras. Awesome! I ended up getting a different color of shoes for JOBS because they didn't have my size buttt I really like these ones too :)

so then we stuck around at the mall for a while and had lunch and then I met my friend there. We walked around for a little bit and then BAM! We were part of a flashmob. It was super cool and fun and it is awesome to be able to say that I have been in a flashmob!

Then right after that me and Rachel had to quick get over to one of the high schools in town for our choir rehearse with the symphony! And that was actually pretty fun. It felt good to just be singing and be getting ready for our actual concerts tomorrow! And then at the end we kinda had our own mini flashmob because we busted out singing and dancing to our arrangement of deck the halls and that was super duper fun. That is just like our feel good song and everyone is really confident with singing it and it was great. I still say we should do it at school some day :)

so that's about it for today. But yeah it was an amazing day. Definitely one of the best in quite a while :)

stress :P

So I'm not really sure what to say... But I just feel like talking. I dunno I guess the past 24 hours or so have been fairly upsetting. People are upsetting, people are disappointing. And it's too effing cold outside. And it's probably getting to be that time of the month here soon. And I guess this is a super lame post so I can't even decide if I'll even post it. Basically I'm just kinda hangin in there til the weekend. Even though it's already Thursday, the weekend can't come soon enough. I know this weekend I will be busy doing things I love... choir and shopping! So that should be good. Hectic, but good. And I'm kinda nervous for our choir. We are doing several super hard pieces and we are only days away from our concerts and there is a lot of work yet to be done. Somehow, we always end up doing really good so that isn't really a worry for me. But I really am anxious to hurry up and go shopping and get my shoes and not have to worry about that anymore. And I guess I only am that anxious probably because I was supposed to go today but then my grandma's plans changed. Blah. Now I've still gotta call her and figure out exactly when we are going to fit this is. It's just gonna be a stressful several days. Oh well.

hmm :)

Have you ever like sat down and really thought about what other people think of you? Like not in a bad way, you just honestly are curious? Well I do. It just kinda like hmm I wonder what they think. I mean everyone has an idea of how they think of themselves but what do other people see? I mean really? And also there is so many things that people don't know that you know they would probably judge you on. Like for example, I've probably gone farther with a guy than most people would really think. All though who knows. Maybe everyone thinks Imma whore :P And one of those things that pretty much every girl/woman wonders is how pretty people, mostly guys, think you are. Like is that one person that tells you that you are beautiful just being nice and pretty much lying? Or is it something every one sees, but just doesn't comment on. And at least with myself, I catch glances of myself sometimes where I'll just be like woah. I'm pretty. And don't go thinking that I'm one of those girls that thinks they are ugly. Cuz I'm not. I just think I'm average. Just the average pretty-enough face. And as far as my actual body goes, I'm pretty happy with it. I could afford to lose 5 pounds and gain some muscle but I don't really mind. Again, I'm just average. Skinny enough. Well I take that back... most people would probably say that I'm skinny. Not super skinny, but skinny. And I'm short. And honestly, I've grown to love it. It is fun being short. Short is cute. And short means you can wear 5 inch heels for JOBS and not have to worry about being taller than your date(: short also means it is easy for someone to pick you up while hugging you. And now this has really gotten off my original topic :P but like do people think I'm annoying? Cuz I know there are a couple friends of mine that it's like, I love you but gurl you get annoying. And just yeah like my general personality in general. How much of it do they really see? How much do they really know about me? That's another thing. People talk about other people. Everyone does it and that's just how we are as humans. So what do they say about me? Do they even ever have that much to say? And now that is potentially getting a little deep so I'll just not go there :) and of course, what people say about you to your face, and what they actually are thinking about you is going to be different. That's just how it is. I dunno I've never really been that hard on myself and I've never stressed about what people think of me. I'm just curious. I mean yeah, I always do my make up and hair before school but that is as much for myself as it is for other people. Like I want to look good for myself. And part of it is just that that is the normal things for girls to do and for us to feel accepted. And that sounded worse than how I meant it, I promise. And I wonder how my boyfriend sees me. Like I would honestly love to see myself through his eyes. He thinks I am so great. And I mean I am but it would still be nice. Especially to like be in his mind when he sees me. Know how much he checks me out :P I dunno there really isn't that much to wonder about with him. Because he usually tells me. Well this was probably enough for now and this is actually pretty long. I won't bore you anymore :)

december = better!

so it's finally December! Yay! December is just always a good month. It's always cheerful and it's a time to be close with friends and family. Plus November is just sucky. And lately life has been kinda blah. But now that it is December, I am honestly thinking it will get better. Plus, icky swimming in school ends super soon! Finally! It has dragged and dragged and it is absolutely no fun. So I just kinda noticed that I really am in a pretty good mood. I'm quite happy :) even though my boyfriend is stupid and decided to stay home today for no good reason at all. But at least he said he will make it up to me somehow :) aaaand he better!(:

soooooo there's this guy friend of mine. who really picked a bad choice for a girlfriend. She is legit the biggest bitch I know. And today me and my bestfriend went and sat by them for a while. He seriously kept talking to us and paying attention to us, not her and it was the best thing ever! She was pissed. The look on her face was so funny <3

anyways, that's my good story of the day and it wasn't probably even that good but oh well :)

how good?

so have you ever had like those moments when you wonder if you really truly are good enough? or pretty enough? or fun enough? or reasonable enough? or interesting enough? Ever felt all those things at once? Now combine that with PMS, really bad PMS where you feel like you have absolutely no control over your feelings. Basically, last night wasn't a good night.

I kinda think it had started earlier in the day, at lunch, when not only did my boyfriend flat out say he didn't like the outfit I was wearing (the one that I finally really took time and put effort into it) but then my friend was seriously all up in his business, like in a way that even I don't do at school. I mean those things kinda took me back but I was like no no it's nothing, try to keep having a good day. And so I just let it roll of my shoulders and brushed it away. But then later he brings up the lovely Victoria's Secret fashion show. It wasn't me that brought it up, it was him. And he was all really happy about it. And yeah yeah guys will be guys but it was like come on. I don't even mention the attractiveness of other guys to you and here you are practically drooling over this. So of course that brought me down some. And then he tells me to just get over it. Not the right move sir. He does redeem himself somewhat by complimenting me. But still... and then the whole time that the fashion show is on... he. doesn't. text me. So I'm just kinda like okayy going to bed now. Don't really care if I'm awake to talk to him later or not. But he does text me like right when it's done. And then I find out he was talking to his friend the whole time... a girl friend. Notice the space. And yeah yeah I'm completely past the whole thing of them being pretty close. But then he chose to talk to her that whole time and then didn't even want to talk to me later. Which isn't that big of a deal but with my super sensitive, over emotional state, I took it all wrong. I mean I'm over it now. And actually kinda feel bad.

......the past couple days have been a little tense with me and him.... and I think we are still really good... but yeah.... he did make sure his time spent with me today was really good though. So it's alright :) I'm just all paranoid :P

the pattern

so there is no way that any of you guys know about this, except for you T, but it's become really obvious that there is this pattern. With me and my boyfriend. Whenever we can't see each other very much, things start to get a lot harder. We start to not really be us anymore. And tension kinda starts getting high and stuff. All that leads to a break up. It's a pattern at this point. And now... with him skiing and therefore not really seeing me... there is the opportunity for the pattern to happen again.

Now while that does scare me... We are different this time. We both can feel it. I don't know how to explain it other than just saying that it feels different in the best way possible. so I still have faith and I still believe in us. This time can be different. We will take it day by day and keep on loving each other and we should make it through it. And honestly, with things like Christmas and JOBS and then the end of ski season and his birthday and spring break all happening at about the same time, I think there will be enough events that we are looking forward to together that that should help out at least a little too. We will just have to see. And even though it does worry me a little that the pattern could repeat yet again, I am feeling really good about us at this point :)

snow...

so now that it has snowed... mind you it was hardly more than a dusting... I don't like it. It has also gotten like legit cold... and I don't like that either. Maybe I don't like the fact that it is still before Thanksgiving and it is already like this. But right now, I just wish it was September weather again, where it is warm with the occasional hot day. Beautiful weather. I just want it to be warm and sunny. That is perfect weather. It is also the weather that I have a lot of really good memories from. Like Fairmont... there are even more times than that one trip to Fairmont that I love. Fairmont when it is warm out is the perfect get away. It has that cute small town feel and it is really beautiful there. In a way, it is like my "town away from town". Ya know instead of "home away from home" haha :) I just yeah really want those warm days back. Because there is nothing better than driving down the highway on a warm, sunny day with country music playing. It is so freeing and it is one of the best feelings in the world. That experience is like country music in a way. It is amazing. You don't really get those times when it is 2 degrees and snowy. It's just not the same. I still think I will end up warming up to winter. I always do. Especially when I have someone to share it with <3

God gave me you for the ups and downs. God gave me you for the days of doubt. And for when I think I've lost my way, there are no words here left to say, it's true. God gave me you. <3

presents

So this really might just be a blog post that is short and sweet and possibly kinda boring. But I'll try to make it good :)

so Christmas is kinda semi-ish soon. and so of course there is the whole confusing bit of trying to figure out what the heck to get your boyfriend for Christmas. It really isn't that easy. Especially after you have gotten through the kinda generic guy gifts.

so I'm not really completely sure where this idea came from... but I'm pretty sure it is from last Christmas when I made one for my sister. We are going to make fleece tie blankets for each other. I'm sure most people know what those are but if you don't, just ask a teenage girl. I'm pretty sure that every teenage girl has at least heard of them.

But anyways you might be thinking that that is kind of an odd gift for us to give each other. But if you think about it, it is actually a pretty good idea. It is something we will actually get to make for each other. And it is personal. And it's not just some generic thing you get at the mall. There is a lot more... love put into it. It gets special. Plus, it will be something that will really remind each of us of the other. And since it is a blanket, it will be a way for us to keep the other one warm even when we aren't together. I think that is going to be really nice :) I have actually already made his :P and I was so excited about it. It was fun and I loved making it for him. Now hopefully he likes it.. and hopefully I like the one he makes me! I am really excited for Christmas to come now :)

short little update :)

so I did in fact find my dress! and I got it right away. And it's really cute and I really like it. I am excited for my shoes but I still gotta go get those some time so yeah :)

another thing about JOBS... afterwards, usually a group of people all sleepover at someone's house. And it's sounding like it will be at my boyfriend's house. There will only be like 6 of us total and I think that is good. A lot of people would get to be annoying. So yeah.... that means we will get to sleep together that night. And I mean literally sleep! :P It will really be fun. So my parents better let me go!

oh and this morning when I went to school, it was 12 degrees. That's right. 12. And there is still no snow. If it's gonna be cold, there should at least be some snow.

JOBS

so there is this girls-ask-guys dance at my school that is in January. I'm not sure if I have actually mentioned it before. But basically, as a sophomore, it is the first real formal dance we get to go to. So it is pretty much a big deal. And so far.. while I'm excited for it.. I feel like I'm maybe not completely letting myself be excited for it. If that makes sense? Like I know it will be fun but it's still a far way off and maybe I just like know that there is the possibility for it to get semi ruined so I don't want to get super excited and be let down? That was kinda a lot right there so hopefully you got it all :P

I know my best friend is all excited for it but I dunno. I'm just kinda ehh about it yet. I guess I'm almost kinda nervous about it all. Cuz I just want ever thing to go right.

Now I told you that it's a girls ask guys thing. So me and my best friend had this whole elaborate asking plan that would have been really sweet and really cool. But basically things with that fell through so I was left to ask by myself. We had gotten stuff for that other asking already so I really had to give that to him. And there were these cards that basically told him about our whole plan that failed. That other asking was gonna be so special and that asking made it a big deal. How I actually asked was quite toned down. It was after we had spent an amazing day together, just me and him. And at the end of it we went to a gravel road and watched the sun set. And all I did was hold his hand and ask if he would go with me. And of course he said yes. Once I dropped him off, I gave him the stuff and told him to look at it later. And at the time, I was happy with how I asked. It was special and sweet but it was also simple and private. But now.. more girls are starting to do their askings... and they make it a big deal and it's really cute and special and now I have almost started to wish that I would have asked differently... it's kinda too late now though......

dresses....

I'll tell you more about what this occasion is later but there is a dance coming up... which means I need a dress. And I realize that this might kinda be a lame topic for a post but yeah.

so far... I've kinda been shying away from going dress shopping... And I'm not totally sure why. But.. even though I know I will be with my best friend, who I can completely trust... I am still self conscious. And it's just yeah... But now I realize that I really do keep pushing shopping away and away and now my best friend seems to be going on without me... And I really don't blame her, like at all, because I have been difficult about it... but now I'm starting to feel left behind. I really do wanna find a dress. But yet I kinda have this little voice in the back of my head that is saying that I won't find something just right... this whole situation has kinda gotten stressful... And now I just want to do it. I wanna find a dress that I love and that I feel good in. I want to get it over with but yet I know that it can and probably will be fun. so yeah....

one quarter of the way

so school is now officially 1/4 of the way done. which seems ridiculous. It's like there is no way we have been in school that long but I guess we have. Time seems to be going by really fast and with school, its like dang. We really aren't that far away from graduating. just 11 quarters away. Yes, it's still more than 2 years away but I feel like those are going to be the fastest 2 years of my life. So far, high school has been really good for me. I know my best friend would say that freshman year completely sucked but I really don't think it really did. I think we are all growing up so much and figuring out who we really are and I think it is great. Now I really didn't mean for that to get so deep but oh well. Maybe it made this short little paragraph more interesting :)

oh darlin, don't you ever grow up <3

fighting...

you know what is one of the worst feelings ever? Being mad at your boyfriend and having your best friend mad at you at the same exact time. It sucks. It leaves you with your head spinning and your heart aching. You just don't know what you are supposed to do. Especially when you keep getting disappointed that no one is telling you that it will be ok. It sucks. You just want to curl up in bed and stay there. Dealing with both of them at the same time is just so completely draining. In every way possible. Emotional, Mental, Physical.

it also sucks when just two days later, you get in a similar situation, just switched around. Got the boyfriend mad at you and you are mad at your best friend. Thankfully, that was solved much quicker than the other night. Unfortunately, it was also really hard and it hurt to have him so mad at me and have him be so obviously so mad at me in person. It sucked. But then things got better real quick and I ended up going over to his house for a few hours that night. He definitely made up for it :)

boring November

so I'm pretty sure I posted something kinda like this in October, complaining about November coming up. Well here I am now. Sitting part of the way through with November, ready to complain about it again.

So we are at the point in November where it kinda feeling like you are stuck between seasons. Almost like you are living the same kinda day over and over, in more ways than just the weather. It's like too cold to really feel like fall anymore but yet it's too warm for sure for it to be winter. And I am almost kinda honestly ready for winter to just get here. It's like the weather is teasing us, saying "oh look, I'm not as cold and snowy as winter yet but I sure as heck am not warm." It's stupid. And the days have been seeming to drag on. Thanksgiving is still kinda out of reach so it's just kinda blah. Thanksgiving is the thing to be looking forward to at this point and it is still almost 2 weeks away. Once Thanksgiving has gotten here, things start to get cheerier. It will be holiday season. Winter will finally start to kick in and there will be snow finally. No one likes to stare at dead grass for days on end. It's depressing and just boring. I'm ready for things to start to get interesting.

the possibility

so tonight. there was the possibility that my boyfriend could have slept over. I'll explain.

it was a long shot from the beginning, so I'm really not all that surprised that it didn't end up happening. But my dad had this thing he was going to go up north for like 4 days straight this week. My mom was really considering going with him, just to get away from everything for a little bit. And before you go thinking that leaving us home alone for 4 days would be irresponsible, don't. We would have been at school most of the time and we are old enough to take care of ourselves and things around the house just fine. Plus, I can drive. It's the only way it really would have been able to work well. So we really could have done it and been just fine. And I honestly think it would have been fun. Not just because it would mean no supervision, but it would be cool to see how independent we really can be. It would have been an interesting experience.

So yes, I have 2 siblings. So that makes things more complicated for the potential sleepover. But we got things figured out. I would have had them go spend the night at a friend's house so I could have had some alone time so I wouldn't go crazy from them :P It woulda worked well too if everything had gone right. I coulda easily gotten him here and gotten him outta here before anyone would have had any idea.

Now, don't go thinking I'm some slut that wanted to have sex tonight. Because we honestly wouldn't have done that. We had both agreed that we would have wanted to keep it as innocent as possible. We wanted our first sleepover to just be nice and sweet and loving and innocent. Just having the experience of sleeping with each other over night was all that either of us wanted at this point. It would have been a great opportunity for us to become closer and stronger as a couple. It would have been absolutely amazing.

Obviously, this didn't happen. Turns out my dad opted out of going on that business trip. So no sleepover. And while I'm kinda sad it didn't happen, I'm not disappointed. It was a long shot and our first sleepover will happen some time in the future. It's just a matter of time.

I wish you were here right now <3

Spring Break

so I totally realize I'm about to blog about something that isn't for another four months but I've been thinking about it today and stuff so yeah.

So spring break this year for us anyways is the end of March. And this year our music department in going to South Carolina for a trip. We are mostly just going to do site seeing and performing. I'm in our concert choir :) but it will be sooo much fun! It's like a vacation with friends since quite a few of my friends are going. Which means we will get to room together and more than likely do everything together. And I'm sure by the end of the last day, we will be glad we are going to get home and be alone. Cuz for 6 solid days, you will literally have no alone time. You're alone til will for the most part just be when you are using the bathroom. At this point, we can't even guarantee that you will be the only one in the bathroom while you shower. Because four girls, one bathroom, a very limited amount of time to get ready, will just be chaotic. South Carolina is a place I have been wanting to go for quite a while so this is going to be an amazing trip. And I really can't wait! It will be quite the experience too. We will be on the bus for a looongg time. Google maps says its a 22 hour drive. Sleeping on the bus oughta be interesting. Sleeping in general will actually be pretty interesting. And we might be running on coffee by the end of it but dang! It will be so much fun!!

Anyways, another reason I am bringing this up is because my boyfriend is going somewhere over spring break too. Except he is going to Colorado, not South Carolina. Which means that because of time zones, there will be a 2 hour time difference between us. At first, that doesn't sound so bad but when you think about it, it's like oh. I'll be getting up 2 hours before he does and going to bed 2 hours before he does. And those are going to be some of the few times we will be able to talk so it will probably be fairly difficult. And I am not going to ruin my trip by texting someone all day. Nooo. I want to fully enjoy it. So I'm sure there will be a lot of texts that are just summaries of each of our days and goodnights. And there will probably be quite a few occasional "I miss you"s and "I love you"s when we have time to squeeze in a text. So that will be a change but I honestly think we will be busy enough that it won't be completely horrible. It just won't be what we are used to. And I know that we are strong enough to make it through it. There's no way we won't. It'll still be weird though. I have a feeling there will be a lot of schedule overlaps that are just long enough to be like he will text me at night and I'll be like oh I'm actually gonna go to bed now or in the morning he will text me goodmorning and I will be like oh sorry we are just about to go leave to do something. But like I said, we will be just fine :) and I also don't think the days we will be gone will be the same either. And we both get the joy of having driving days so I'm sure we will talk as much as we can on those. And when we are both back, we will talk and talk and talk and it will be great :)

when I close my eyes, I see you. no matter where I am. <3

Last Night

so I guess you could say that last night was our first little fight... except it wasn't even a fight. It was more like hurting each other and then making up for it. I'll explain...

so I wanted to talk and so he called me. We started off all happy and stuff. And then he asked me about this thing I had semi mentioned the other day but said I didn't want to talk about it. And I said again that is it nothing and I wasn't gonna talk about it. And then he got all quiet. Bad sign. There was quite a bit of silence and I tried getting conversation going but it just wouldn't take hold because he didn't have much to say. So finally I say goodnight and love you and hang up. Which doesn't sound like a big deal but it kinda is. I'm never the one that insists on ending the phone call. Basically right after getting off the phone, I started crying. Now don't make fun of me. On the phone, I could feel how distant him and I seemed. He texted me right away saying that that was different. I said ya. Not even yeah. Just "ya". I can't really remember what came next but I ended up telling him that I had been crying. And that must have really hit a chord with him because right away he was saying that we were fine and explaining that he was just hurt that I wouldn't tell him because we always tell each other everything but he said that it was ok and he would respect that I didn't wanna tell him as long as it was nothing bad. Which is wasn't. And he was saying sorry and saying he loves me and didn't mean to hurt me. He was really sweet. And so of course I forgave him right away and he made sure I wasn't crying anymore. Now, I think that it honestly almost brought us closer. Oh, and I did end up telling him what the thing was. He deserved it and it just felt like the right thing to do. He said I didn't have to tell him and I knew that. I actually wanted to tell him by then. And I'm glad we were both determined to not go to bed mad or upset at each other. We wanted to solve our problems right away. Today at school, he said he wanted to make up for last night and gave me a big hug. I love those hugs <3

this is just a little side note thinger... but he always makes me feel better when I'm feelin kinda bad about myself :)

pretty little thing, sometimes you gotta look up, and let the world see all the beauty you are made of <3

love :P

so I don't wanna be the female dog here... cuz I know my friend was just talking about this but yeah... it just got me thinking. so here goes.

I feel really lucky. Sometimes it takes someone pointing it out for you to really truly notice it. But now I know that I really am doing pretty good. And I should probably point out that I'm talking about the whole romance aspect of life. That sounded cheesy but oh well. I'm a teenage girl. I like cheesy things :) but anyways, I have found a person that really... well loves me. And it's just... it's amazing. You don't realize how just good that person makes your life until you hear someone else talk about not having that person. About not having a person to always be there. And to be there in a best friend way plus more. Someone you can always confide in. Someone you feel completely safe with. The one that knows you so well that some days you think they get you more than you get yourself. The person that can make you smile and laugh when there is no way that anyone else would have been able to. The person that has seen you at your worst and most vulnerable but still loves you. The person that will pick you up as soon as you have fallen. The one that tells you sweet things, just to make you smile because that is one of the things he loves most. The one that talks to your best friend about Christmas presents for you when it's still more than 2 months away. The one that calls you right before bed, simply to hear your voice and tell you that he loves you. The one that you talk to for hours and hours and never get sick of each other. The one that falls asleep on the phone with you because neither one of you wants to say goodnight. The one that holds you tight. That one person that you love so much and you can't believe that they actually love you back but you are so dang happy that he does.

Now I'm sorry for that. It got kinda rantish. But I just... gah I don't know how to explain it. I'm just so glad I have him. I'm never alone because of him. I know that I always have someone on my side. Everyone should have someone like that. Everyone deserves someone like that.

Because of him, I don't need to make 11:11 wishes anymore. It's already come true. And I know that this is all starting to get cheesy but I'm feeling really deep. It really does make sense why this, love, is what we look for our whole lives until we find it. Everyone should love and be loved.

I hear other girls talking and analyzing all these little things that a guy does and such. And... I'm so glad I can be past that. To me, it just seems so... junior high. And I don't meant that in a bad way, not at all. I just feel like I'm past that. I don't have the need to do that anymore. And it's nice. It's nice to not have to stress about him doing this and him doing that and what do you think was his motive behind it and do you think he realized how it came across? Now I don't feel as though I am above the girls that still do that, I just feel like I'm on a different boat. Because I am I guess. I don't have to scrutinize every little thing and wonder about it. There is a certain giddy-ness that comes with the whole new boy developments. And don't get me wrong, it was exciting. But now I have moved on to a new kind of giddy-ness. I guess you could say I went from a guessing giddy-ness to a knowing giddy-ness. I know that he likes me back and I know what he means by things and why he does things and even when I don't, I know I can always ask him about it. I can ask him anything. I dunno I guess in a way this all makes me feel more mature. Maybe it has actually made me more mature. Who knows.

I have been sitting here for a couple minutes now, just trying to decide on what to say and how to say it. I'm really not trying to sound like I'm gloating but it kinda seems like it has come across that way. I just really get how lucky I am. And now I have kinda hit another mind block so I'll just be done

You make me feel like I'm living a teenage dream <3

november

so november is coming up... not really looking forward to it...

November is the month where it is cold and windy. You say November, and that is all I think about. It's usually pretty cloudy too. Yuck. It's like my least favorite weather. Especially since it is cold but there usually isn't really any snow on the ground yet. And I mean who wants to stare at dead grass the whole month? It's just gross. The only good thing about November is Thanksgiving. I wouldn't say Thanksgiving it my favorite holiday, not by a long shot, but I still like it; its nice. So sorry if you are one of those people who loves November for some reason but I really just can't wait til December comes around. December is a much better month. December is Christmastime <3

I go back to December all the time... <3

crazy..?

Am I crazy for thinking that I've found the person for me? That this is the guy I can really see myself spending my life with? Is that really so crazy? Yes, I'm still young. Yes, there is plenty of time for me to change my mind in the future... But... I really don't think I will. Like I said, I can honestly see him being the one for me. My prince charming. The one to get me through the ups and downs. The one that will love me through it. It isn't that crazy... is it?

We have talked about things like living together, and a marriage proposal, and even kids. Of course at this age, none if it is ever that serious... except that with us... we really are kinda serious about it. And it doesn't seem that ridiculous. It's just me and him and us and it's perfect.

Some of my friends even joke about how some day him and I will get married. That we will be voted cutest couple come senior year. And ya know, while they had the lightness in the way they said it, I'm pretty sure they were dead serious. We are going to be that couple. We all know it.

I know the road ahead for us is pretty daunting. It's honestly got me pretty scared. But I still have this feeling that we will make it through it. When we walked into each other's lives, we were meant to stay. We weren't going to stay around for a while and leave. We were meant to be forever <3

You lift my feet off the ground, you spin me around, you make me crazier, crazier <3

Byebye baseball

so the world series has begun. Go Texas! Yes yes, I know that isn't big news and you probably are wondering why the heck I have a post about this but just listen.

Last baseball season, I didn't give a crap. I wasn't a fan and never watched. Everyone would talk about it but I would just be like eww. It is "America's past time" but I really couldn't care less. But then there was this season. I watched. I watched a lot. I avidly followed our team. I even went to a game. I got a Mauer shirt. I learned the game and actually knew what was going on. I even enjoyed it. Basically, I turned into quite the fan.

And at this point, you may be wondering about why there was such the change in my baseball views. Well seeing as I am in fact a teenage girl, I bet you can guess pretty well were that came from... a teenage boy.

I had been difficult at first, sticking with my old ways, but I finally sat down and watched a game. It was hard for me to admit it to him, but he was right. I loved it. And of course I loved it that much more just because he had been the one to introduce me to it. And then it kinda became our thing. We would keep each other posted on scores and what not. We had conversations about it. When we would hang out over this summer, we usually watched one of the many games. It was yet another thing that brought us together.

So now that my first baseball season as a fan is coming to a close, it's kinda sad. I already know that I am going to miss it. Of course, there is always next year :) and maybe the Twins will finally do better!

people these days

so basically this is gonna be one big complaint about people and their stupidness.

first off, me and my friend send other friend depends and such. As a joke. And then they get all offended and pissed off about it and its like dude chill out. It's not even a hassle. Like at all. It doesn't cost them anything and they could put it straight in the garbage if they want to. Stupid.

second, I'm tired of people not telling me anything. My parents never tell me about plans until they are like about to happen or are even already going on. And even my friends don't seem to feel like telling me when they are doing things. So whatever. Stupid.

and then, there's the best friend that openly just tells people something embarrassing about you that she really shouldn't be talking about anyways. That's just not something you go around openly talking about and she just doesn't get it. Stupid.

also there are those moments where someone really upsets you while you are with a small group of people. so you walk away by yourself to try to calm down. And then no one follows to see if you're ok. And then you are just left to be like well gee thanks you guys. you sure seem to care. Stupid.

so sorry if that seemed really... teenager-ish. But hey, what else can you expect from a teenager? and sorry if it's nothing you really care to read but like usual, I had to get it out of my system.

changing seasons

so anyone who knows me, knows that I live for summer and that I hate winter. But as it's getting cooler outside... I'm not sure I mind it that much anymore. Don't get me wrong, I still love summer but winter doesn't seem to be all that bad anymore. I still wish we had a shorter winter here though.

You are probably wondering why the heck all that is important. Well maybe it is, maybe it isn't. It might just be a change in what I like or it may be something deeper. See, the past couple winters have actually been pretty good ones for me. They have been times where life has been good. Maybe I have made a connection between winter and life being good. Who knows.

Also, I have been craving Christmastime. Life is always good then too. Everyone is generally quite happy and there is just that Christmastime feeling in the air that I absolutely love. Christmas needs to hurry up! Oh and another thing, I seem to have a love for snow too. Which is weird cuz snow=cold and I hate cold.

I'm not sure what to think of all this. Maybe winter has finally started to grow on me. You probably thought this was a fairly boring and pointless post but oh well. It was nice to get it out.

ahh life :)

so I've realized that I tend to write a lot more when I have things to complain about; I like to vent. And lately, I haven't really had anything to complain about.

But it's about time for an update soo here ya go :)

So I've had my license for about 3 weeks now and let me tell ya, it is the best thing ever. Monday I went with my best friend to my boyfriend's house to cheer him up since he had been having a bad day. He invited another friend of ours over too and it was a pretty fun night. It was definitely awesome to know that I have the ability to go see someone randomly if I want to.

Friday night was of course spent at our high school football game. It was freezing cold but it's not that bad when you have someone else helping to keep you warm :) oh and guess what. Our football team actually won. By a lot too. I think that may be the first home game that they have won this year. They suck :P

Just yesterday I went over to my boyfriends house, this time by myself. It was a great day :) we are always so relaxed and comfortable and enjoying each other's company. It's days like those that I could just live in forever. It was perfect, like it always is, to just be with him. Then later that night we went out for a very classy dinner at taco bell :P then we went and got my bestfriend and met up with some people to go to a haunted house. Waiting in line for that thing takes longer than the actual tour but that's ok. Waiting is always fun for the most part. Now that was probably the 3rd or 4th year I have gone, so really it isnt all that scary anymore. They startle you and that's about it. But oh well. After that, a small group of us went to Walmart! Do you have any idea how ghetto it is there even at 10 pm? We had a very awkward time of standing in front of the condoms for a good 5 minutes. We got looks. And it was hilarious.

Basically, life had been pretty good lately <3

this has gotta be the good life <3

telling the parents....

This post very well may be something you don't even want to bother reading but it is a part of a normal teenager's life so it is at least somewhat interesting.

I know I probably should have done this sooner but.. I just told my mom about my boyfriend. Yes yes, I know I should have done this before now but I kept putting it off and putting it off because I really had no idea how she was going to react.. ok that's a lie. I thought she was going to be disappointed. See I don't tell her much at all about my relationship with him, so she just doesn't understand the way we feel about each other.

So I thought it was gonna be pretty bad but the conversation actually went well I would say. Of course she asked why and other questions like that but she actually seemed fairly understanding after I said that we were still growing up and summer is always hard as the reasons for our on-again-off-again relationship. And I said I am happy. Which is super true and I really think she understood that. Which is good. I don't think she is all that disappointed so that is relieving.

So now we will have to see how things go with that. But I am happy so hopefully they can be happy for me.

The stakes are high, the water's rough, but this love is ours <3

best day

I didn't include this in my last post because quite frankly, there is so much to say about it, and it's so big and important, it deserves its own post.

Yesterday, I took my first road trip without parents. As I think I have said before, it was to Fairmont and I took that guy. And well... as the title suggests, it was an amazing day.

Waking up yesterday morning, I wasn't really nervous at all. I somehow just knew it was going to be a great day. And while I wouldn't say that getting ready was just going through the motions, but I seemed to go through it pretty fast, and without much thought of anything really.

Picking him up wasn't even that weird either. The drive down was only slightly awkward at moments but most of the hour was spent talking. He then got the joy of waiting in walgreens for like half an hour while I went and saw my grandma. After that, I gave him a little tour of places that I have a connection with. Then we went and sat by one of the many lakes there. We sat on the dock and watched the water and jumping fish. I saw only one while he claimed to be seeing them fairly often. While we sat, we talked some and he had his arm around me.

Then we were off again and went to a park and I showed him some more places. Even though we didn't do all that much, it was still really nice and fun and well. It was just like we were going out again.

Then we went and sat at a park by another lake. We sat there for a while again and it was also really nice. It was great.

Then it was starting to get later so I suggested pimping at walmart and then leaving town. So we did that. But he was being a butt so it wasnt the funnest thing in the world. But even though he wasnt in a very good mood, I was still wearing yoga pants and he still couldn't leave my ass alone :P and don't worry, he has apologized, multiple times, for his mood.

So then we headed back to town and this drive was a little more relaxed than the last one. We were even singing along with the radio. And yes, I do mean we :) next stop was a gravel road he had in mind. And I know y'all's minds are probably in the gutter and think that that sounds bad but it really wasn't.

We sat there for a while in the bed of my truck and watched the end of the sunset. And then at this point I asked him to the girls-ask-guys dance we have this winter. And he said yes(: and then... not gonna lie... we made out for a little bit. Then it was getting semi-late and it was getting cold so we went back inside the car. Then he gave me my birthday present; a list of reasons why he loves me. And he made me read it right then and there. I kinda turned away and he came behind me and watched over my shoulder. While reading it, I started to cry a little bit. But they were happy tears. Then he asked me out. After some playful teasing, I said yes.

Then came time to take him home and we actually sat outside his house for a little while longer. Neither of us wanted it to end.

Basically, it was an amazing day and I wish I could do it over and over again. <3

homecoming week

sooo I know I haven't done this in forever but I have seriously been sooo busy!

Monday was a great day, seeing as that I got my license! whoooo freedom! I celebrated with making the first of many trips to the mall with my best friend where we didn't have to wait for parents to come get you! And then we felt super cool and last minute changed our minds and went to the powderpuff game at school for homecoming week. It was probably the best Monday ever.

Tuesday was movie night at school, also for homecoming week. Of course, I drove there :) Movie night was also a great night... Ya know that boy I am always talking about? Ya should cuz I'm always talking about him :P weelllll he was there. And he laid by me. And then he was oh so clever and kept saying he wanted more of my blanket-turned-pillow. And by more, he meant all of it. Finally I gave in and let him have it and so that left me to use him as my pillow. I'm sure you have an idea where that was leading to. It ended up with him holding me close and... he even stole a kiss... or two... Then after the movie, I had my first illegal usage of my license. See I drive a pick up truck. And long story short, I had my one passenger in the cab with me and up to 3 more in the bed. That was officially fun. That was also a great night(:

Wednesday I went up to the cities to watch the Twins game with my daddy. It was amazing and it was actually a really good game. After 8.5 scoreless innings, they finally scored to win the game! It was a great experience.

Thursday night was actually pretty uneventful with just my best friend and I making tutus together. And they turned out pretty awesome! Oh and we also went to mcdonalds and used fake names. I was Pat. She was Kyle. The cashiers face was priceless <3

Friday was homecoming! Which meant that classes were super short and school was pretty fun for once. Then that night was the homecoming game. Football games are always pretty fun even though we lose a lot. We couldn't even win our homecoming game. For the last bit of the game we actually sat and I ended up right in front of him. He took advantage of that and was using me to keep warm. I of course didn't mind because it kept me warm too. And it was nice to have that physical contact that always seems to give me an electric feeling.

So basically, this was one of the best weeks ever. Every day was great. And hopefully now you see why I was so dang busy! I'll try to write more often now(:

I'm busy livin in this perfect day <3

Fairmont

So this post really requires some background knowledge for anyone to really to get it. So here goes :)

There is this small town about an hour away from hear. Fairmont. I would say that that was where I was born and raised for you to really understand what it means to me but number one, I wasn't born there, number two, I haven't lived there since I was in kindergarten, and number three, I'm only 15. I'm still in the process of being raised :)

Anyways, I love it there. It's kinda like my escape place. I can get away from things and relive childhood memories. My grandparents still live there and my dad actually was born and raised there so it's not weird at all for me to go there. I love it. You can be familiar with the place but the people aren't familiar with you. You could be anyone. It's absolutely going to be my first road trip. Some may say that a one-hour drive isn't much of a road trip but that doesn't matter; to me, that town could be a million miles away from here.

So I'm guessing you kinda think that this would be a special place I would take only the people most special to me. And well, you're right. And there is someone in particular that I absolutely cannot wait to take. And sorry T, it's not you. I mean yes, I definitely want to take you, but I want to take him more. As much as it might not make sense, it's nothing personal.

The guy I keep talking about over and over and over, that's the person I wanna take. Now if you didn't really figure that out by yourself, then you really need to catch up :) I've always really wanted to take him to Fairmont and I want it to be special. What could be more special than my first road trip without parents? And honestly... I know the whole thing is gonna be special, regardless on if it's my first road trip or not. Being with him there will be special. Also regardless of whether something actually happens or not, it will be special. Just being alone, even as just friends, will be special.

I'm not sure why I'm saying this cuz it's kinda pointless, but I just typed something out, but then deleted it. I guess I kinda feel like keeping that to myself for a while.

I'm hell on heels, say what you will. I done made the devil a deal. He made me pretty, he made me smart, and I'm gonna break me a million hearts. Not totally fitting but yeah I'm in love with this song <3

parallel parking

so I realize y'all might really not care about this but too. darn. bad.

soo I went out tonight to practice parallel parking since my test is in a week. And omg that was such a fail. While yes, I didn't have any visual cues to go off of, I'm not very confident that I'll be able to pass... which is horrible cuz I've already got a road trip in the making for the first weekend I'll have my license!

Now once I start to rationalize it, and hear from friends that as long as you don't hit the cones, you will be fine, I'm not freaking out so much. I mean yeah I'm still nervous and will insist on practicing like 3 times in the next week, but I do think that I should be able to pass. Just gotta get inside the cones. Then rock the actual driving part. I can do that... I think....

sorry no quote(: this was very spur of the moment and I can't think of any parallel parking songs so yeah :P

welp

soo I know I should probably be mad at him... but I don't know if I really can. I mean I think I'm upset but yet not at the same time.

Nothing has happened. Even after a week of basically going out just minus the title, nothing. It's annoying but yet if that is the best it will ever get, I don't want to push it away. I feel like I kinda did push it away though. I got too ballsy and started asking questions and it made things weird. I don't even know where him and I stand anymore. Like at all. He said he misses me and wants us together but yet he doesn't do anything about it. I mean I can tell he still wants to talk to me and all that jazz but yeah. My best friend is friends with him too and so they talk and stuff. And I guess he told her that he just doesn't know what he wants anymore. That's stupid. It really shouldn't be that hard to figure out. Yet somehow... I don't know if I'll ever be able to walk away from him. To say "that's it I'm done. I'm done waiting for you to do something." Because I don't think I will ever ever fully get over him. I'm sure he will always be that "what if" guy. The one that you always will wonder that if something slightly different happened, if we had stayed together, if we really could have made it. All the way to the end. All the way to being that elderly couple that has been married for 70 years. Cuz I can see that with him. Yeah, yeah, I know I'm still young and all. But at this point, I really can see us being that couple from high school that makes it. Even given the current situation.

So I don't know what to think of all of this. I'm honestly trying not to think about it all that much. It's just easier to keep going on with life. Which doesn't sound like it makes all that much sense but oh well.

Don't forget to remember me...

inching

so lately it has really felt like we have almost been inching ever so slightly closer and closer to something finally happening. Then came yesterday.

The whole day we had been talking and such. And he kept saying he loves me and misses me. I even got both a "you really are the best" and an "I want you to be mine"

so then when I got a call last night, I honestly was thinking ohmygosh. This is it. This is finally it. And in all seriousness, it really wasnt that crazy for me to be thinking that. I mean he had said plenty of things that sure did seem to lead up to him asking me.

but you guys probably know by now that, no matter how close I seem to get, I always come up short. Well that was the case yet again. Nothing. Nothing happened. I know this probably doesnt make all that much sense, but even though nothing happened while on the phone... it was really nice to talk to him. He was really sweet.

and.... This is something most of y'all wont understand, but on the phone he told me that the past three nights he had slept with puppy close. And yeah yeah yeah y'all really dont get that but that is something I dont really care to share with people all that much. It's his and mine special thing. And hearing him say that really was sweet and meant a lot. But then it was also frustrating because it was like "well why da eff are we still not together"

so I think he is kinda gonna back off again.. cuz I told him it was confusing that he was saying he loves me but yet we arent together. and last night I told him I was upset. because I kept getting closer and closer but yet nothing is happening.

I don't think that will be the end of things. Even after last night, I kinda feel like we are on the verge of going out again. Maybe that's just me. Maybe I'm crazy. But there is something there that keeps pulling us back to each other. We both can feel it.

If nothing happens for a while, I am pretty sure I'd actually be ok with that... I think I secretly want us getting back together to be some big amazing moment. And who knows, maybe it will be. After all, I get my license in less than 2 weeks :)

Don't be afraid to jump then fall, jump then fall into me. Be there, never gonna leave you. Say that you wanna be with me too. I'mma stay through it all so jump then fall <3

might be pointless..

so as the title of this suggests, this really truly may be pointless.

I can't really think of all that much to say besides stuff you don't really care about but oh well.

So the other night I really grew some balls and asked him why we aren't together; what's keeping us from each other. And apparently it's the same reason as we broke up. Sooo yeah I guess that sucks. Maybe one day I'll get super ballsy again and ask him what he would do if I actually asked him out. Butttt that's pretty ballsy so who knows.

I guess things with him have honestly been kinda blah. I mean I can tell he still like cares and stuff but yeah. Not really sure what to do there.

So today at lunch me and my best friend went and sat by him since he was all by himself since his friends hadn't come yet. And honestly... I really liked that. I mean it was semi-awkward but eating with guys makes you feel a LOT better about your own eating habits. Plus we are friends with all of his friends so it really wasn't that weird. Which is good. Mayyybeee it would be something we could do more often IF me and him go out again. But for now, it would be cool to do it every once in a while. Especially since possibly the best part about it is that the Rapist sees us there and then go sits somewhere else. <3

and also, not to be like depressing, but everything seems to be so exhausting right now, really draining. It's hard to have to keep working so hard at everything...

behind those walls that won't come down, I'm sure you had more things to say

busy busy busy

so I realize I haven't posted in forever but I have been so busy and didn't really have anything I absolutely had to bitch about so here you finally go :)

so that fire I was wanting for so long finally happened... and it was a disaster. I mean seeing him for the first time since breaking up and also in like 2 months, it was kinda awkward and hard. Looking at him was just hard. But I was still thinking that something could happen and it honestly would have if it weren't for this other dick. The one that told me he still likes me after being broken up for 2 years. He kept raping me! And I don't mean like legit rape, just like holding on to me and having me really close and not letting me go but in a BAD way. I was super pissed all night and honestly kinda took it out on the one guy I really wanted to be nice to. And that sucks! It sucks so bad! It sucked so bad that my best friend had to watch me shed tears over it. And it wasn't even just like one or two it was like I had to try really hard not to have a complete break down. At that point I was just sooo upset and pissed and mad and sad cuz at that point, the guy (not the rapist) was mad at me for being all like pissy and not really looking at him. Luckily that got fixed. With a phone call. That was so very like when we went out. That ended with "I love you {insert my name here(:}" so basically, best friend, if you are reading this, another, do over fire would be soo greatly appreciated. I would love you to death for it. Oh and keep in mind. This was almost a week ago and I'm still really pissed. And still sad.

Here is another thing that has happened. He(not rapist) had apologized. It started off as a "sorry babe" after something little and went on to being "I am sorry for everything".

I'm sure between the apology and the I love you, you might be wondering if something has happened. The answer, sadly, is no. Notta thing. Yeah there has been flirting and some babes and babys directed at me but still notta thing. I'm not sure how things are going to go as we really get to into the groove of school but so far, it's not looking all that promising. Of course maybe once seeing him doesn't send my body into near shock, (I'm not kidding about this) maybe I'll actually like talk to him when the opportunities arise. Like today. After English. I saw him as I was walking out and that got me all frazzled. It's still difficult to look at him. Someone how has seen you right through to your core, but not really actually in person is just kinda hard to face. Maybe I'm kinda ashamed. Honestly I don't really know why, but looking at him is difficult. Anyways back to the story.. And then I was at my locker and he kinda like came over and purposefully brushed into me. I didn't even do anything. And damn I wish I woulda! I didn't even turn around! Stupid me. I was thinking maybe he was going to say something but he didn't and the moment passed. And I feel so bad about it! I mean I basically ignored him! Stupid! And that sure as heck better not be my last opportunity! Today he has actually been popping up in weird places. After English, before history, after Spanish. Actually I coulda walked and talked with him to history if he hadn't been with some other whore...

I just have to keep reminding me that this is only the 2nd day. Still like 178 more to go...

he wore black today... which mighta been cuz of me... cuz I always said I like black on guys... idk maybe I'm just getting a big head about it and it had absolutely nothing to do with me...

All in all, my first 2 days of school haven't been bad. Like at all.

so I get my license in 17 days. I hope that will help with things and the guy. I kinda think it will. I can be like hey what are you doing and then go over there er get him er something. I really hope that helps. I have this whole little fantasy about the day I'll "kidnap" him and take him on a road trip. Say whatever you want, but the best part about it is that it really truly has the possibility to happen

ok. so not to sound like a complete psycho creeper but IF this break is as long as the past 2 we have had, it puts us at getting back together *today*. Pretty much doubting that at this point but you never know I guess. Although if anything, I woulda thought it woulda happened a couple days ago when we were all yeah. I thought maybe something was maybe going to happen but it didn't and now it has more or less gone on a downward spiral since then. It's definitely still better than it was before things picked up there though. Maybe I'll be all BA tough cookie and ask him tonight why we aren't going out or what's keeping us from going out or something along those lines. Blah. Who knows what will happen or when and how it will happen. Just gotta hope for the best.

cuz when you're 15 and somebody tells you they love you, you're gonna believe them <3 it more or less goes with this but I just have to use it before I can't anymore! (Birthday soon!)

t-minus 6 days

sophomore year starts in, you guessed it, 6 days! And I am honestly kinda excited. I hope it's an amazing year. If anything, I hope it is better than freshman year. But I really am so ready for change. But in all honesty, I'm sad that summer is over. Just because I wish I coulda made it better. It really was a super lame summer. Oh well I'll just have to make it an amazing fall! Speaking of fall, I'm going to the first friday night high school football game of this year on friday! Gah it's already football season!? I'll miss you baseball <3

so I feel like I should take the time and tell my best fraaand how much I lovvveeee her! Seriously, she is like the only person I know won't run away. She is always there for me even when I'm annoying and talking about the same thing over and over and over and over and over. Love you T <3

so as you guys should know by now, one of my blog posts is not complete without some ranting about a certain boy. so yeah. for now at least, he is really stuck in his decision. And honestly, I'm kinda worried about him. He like doesn't value his happiness all that much. He lets work work work come before that. He is 15. He shouldn't be worrying about things like that yet. It's like COME ON! Have fun, live in the moment, be a teenager! gah.

so while he is set in his decision, for now, he still seems to at least kinda care. He still takes the time to talk to me and like keep talking to me. Like I'm actually usually the one that stops texting back first. Maybe that means something, maybe it doesn't. You just never know with boys :P and if I ever ask if I'm annoying or boring he says no. So maybe just maybe deep down he ya know really does still want me. He just can't let himself have happiness, have me. That's one theory anyways and gosh darn it really might be true. I mean he "had" to get rid of something he really loves (us, me) because of his schedule. I dunno I just don't think that that is very healthy. He doesn't even have all that much fun anymore. He's gonna end up burned out. That is, if he isn't there already....

I hate to turn up out of the blue, uninvited. But I couldn't stay away, I couldn't fight it. I had hoped you would see my face and that you'd be reminded that for me it isn't over. I know that I just used this lyric last time, but it has really gotten to me. I'll probably have a situation like this sooner or later...

repeating

I feel like I keep saying the same things over and over again but I keep going through it over and over and it just always strikes me. maybe I keep going on and on because I want some kinda of comforting. To know that it will all be ok in the end. I just gotta tough it out until the end. But I don't know if I can do that. I don't know how long it will be until things are really ok. And it sucks. As much as I keep saying that, it is so true. I just can't get over this and stop hurting. In a way it almost seems like maybe he is my project. I gotta see how long it is til he breaks. And yes, that sounded pretty bad but yeah. I don't know. I don't know what is going on with him. I just don't know a lot of things at this point. I'm still on shaky ground. And I don't know how to make it better. In a way, I wish I could totally erase him completely from my life. But you know what they say: "it's better to have loved and lost than to have not loved at all." Cuz I love our memories. I really do. They make me happy for a tiny bit before it hits me again that I can't have that anymore. And that sucks but what can you do. I love the memories, I love us, I love him...

You know how the time flies. Only yesterday, it was the time of our lives. We were born and raised in a summer haze, bound by the surprise of our glory days. I hate to turn up out of the blue uninvited. But I couldn't stay away, I couldn't fight it. I had hoped you'd see my face and that you'd be reminded that for me, it isn't over. Nevermind, I'll find someone like you. I wish for nothing but the best for you too. "Don't forget me," I begged. "I'll remember," you said. Sometimes it lasts in love, but sometimes it hurts instead.

hope

I hope school will like make things better. I kinda think it will but yet I like seriously have no idea anymore. I just don't get how someone can instantly become so cold. Like don't you still care? You say you still love me. So what changed? What changed so much that you just had to end this.

I keep dreaming about him... almost every night...

I hope that fire still happens! I mean I really have no idea how that will go like at all but at the very least it would be nice to see him before the first day of school. I hope something would happen. But yet I know it is still too early for it.

I hope school will make things go by faster.

I hope I get my license on the first try!

I hope he will let me take him road-trippin. I really really really hope he will.

looks like I have got a lot of hoping to do...

Are you tryin to bring back the tears or just the memories? You keep taking me back, taking me back, to where we've already been. When we hang up, it's almost like losing you again. Can't you see? What do you want? What do you want from me?

the story

guys = dicks. end of the effing story.

pretty little thing, sometimes you gotta look up, let the world see the beauty you are made of. cuz the way you hang your head, nobody can tell

uno

so I had kinda thought that maybe we were actually making some progress the past few days.

now I feel as though I just landed butt first back onto square one.

I don't get how someone can just suddenly become so cold. How every single thing I say suddenly seems wrong.

this is the point that I think oh I guess I'll just not talk to him for a few days. But there are only 10 days left of summer. And I kinda want to make every single one count...

All I know is that I don't know how to be something you miss.

tonto

guys are dumb. dumb dumb dumb!

first of all, an ex gets dumped and then seems to start having interest in me. this is the least problematic of my guy problems.

another ex also seems to be pretty interested in me. then he openly admits to liking me. and he really seems to have liked me since we broke up. TWO YEARS AGO. dsjlfksdlkfjsd time to move on buddy. that ship sailed forever ago.

and then the other boy you have been hearing a lot about. we still have been kinda talking. and then this morning he smiled like :D and i did it back. then he asked why we smiled. I said that it was cuz we were happy. we made each other happy. and he agreed with that. then i stupidly told him I miss him (hey it's the truth. don't hate.) and then he doesn't text back. then later tonight I say something else. totally different. actually its about the previous guy. Cuz this guy said that that guy has liked me. Sorry if that was confusing :) I'd rather keep names out of this. and a couple hours later... he still hasn't texted me back. Now that probably sounds like a very teenage thing to say but yeah. maybe he will text me in the morning. I can't get upset about this. It's not like he has to text me back anymore. But it still kinda sucks. Especially since it was right after I said I miss him. He probably got the wrong idea and thought I was trying to make something happen. I honestly wasn't. I just wanted to hear him say it back...

oh. and then im at the mall with my best fraaaand. and then guess who we see? thank God it was none of the boys mentioned above. But it was boy who I have been talking about forever's mom and sister. Who definitely know who I am. Of course I'm too chicken shit to have actually gone and said hi. But now I wish I would have... ugh.

so to sum this up, boys are extremely tontoooo. which I have pretty much saying for like ever now. but oh well. it's very true. boo them.

but on the bright side. Less than a month til I'm 16(: maybe I'll take "guy I have been talking about for like ever" on a road trip. maybe something will happen ;)

Baby just believe there is no one else like me. Cuz I'm never goin down, I'm never givin up, I'm never gonna leave so put your hands up. If you like me, then say you like me. not totally fitting but oh well.

eeeeep

so. Let's just say that the past couple days have been really good :) <3

I really do think there is some kinda future for us. As long as he isn't a dick ;)

oh no here I go, randomly thinking about you. and there you go, making your way into my head <3

rambling

so. I am fully aware that I like just posted but oh well. I have so much that I feel like I just need to get out and right now, this is probably the best way.

school starts in oh like 15 days. That means that there are 15 more days that I have got to struggle through. I am so unsure of what to do, how to act when it comes to him. And things kinda do seem to be hot and cold with us. And while I hate those cold moments, the hot moments are just almost frustrating. I mean I like them but then they keep giving me a glimmer of hope that something is gonna happen, that it just has to. But it's not really up to me. So it keeps me waiting. I feel like I'm going through the same day over and over without any change. At least school will provide change. It will give me something to do and it will keep me distracted. Of course, it will also include seeing him. And him seeing me. I think that will make some difference. I really do. But yet, I'm not sure. I would hate to get my hopes up, just to have nothing happen. Bottom line is: come the school year, I need to look hot. I need to get his attention. I need to win him back.

So me and my bestest fraand have come up with this idea of having an end of summer bonfire/party. sounds fun right? well I have been pushing it. maybe more than necessary. The reason why? There's a good chance he would go. And that would lead to the possibility of something happening. It might, it might not. But at least there would actually be a possibility. Sitting at home, or going to the mall, or pimping around with friends, there really isn't that possibility. I want that possibility.

behind those walls that won't come down, I'm sure you had more things to say

no comment

so. i get she's my best friend. i get that she would never let anything happen. just know that I get that.

but yet, i still can't help but be.... bitter? and kinda jealous and just generally not feel good about the whole thing. and its not her fault; im not putting any blame on her. the whole situation just generally has me feeling bad. im not even completely sure why im feeling this way. maybe just knowing that she saw him and was with him is enough. its enough to make my heart cry out and then retreat to its dark corner. call me dramatic, but thats what its like. maybe its just an affirmation that he's moved on and is happy and has forgotten me...

so like i said. im not mad at her or upset at her. it just really cut me down and hurt and put me in a bad spot. simply put, it stung. and i hate it.

now all those memories faded, all except that night, that you said your last goodbye...

well here goes..

so most bloggers will start off with some background info. guess I may as well too.
it's almost the end of summer before my sophomore year of high school. joy :P 16 in just over a month. so excited for that! other than that... I may as well just jump right in with my ranting. so please, bare with me :)

guys=STUPID. seriously, do they even make sense to themselves because girls sure as heck don't get them! they are selfish. they lie. they give up things for no apparent, important reason. and I just. dont. get it. they really are so immature too. oh and they can be so amazingly nice and sweet when they want to be and then BAM! they turn around and act like dicks. dicks on pms. awesome, right? they are so fudge crackerly hot and cold! like dang! make up your mind! boo them.

so you are probably wondering where all that came from. well. we all know that teenage relationships tend to hit some rocks once summer starts. but that honestly didnt faze me. I knew we were strong enough to not let summer break us. and don't get me wrong, it definitely had its challenges but I still thought we could make it. I was fairly confident in that. until the middle of july. he got weird. summer seemed to have gone to his head. he didnt want us anymore. said he couldnt be the person he wanted to be to me because of his busy schedule. but ya know what? I honestly didnt care. just knowing that i was his and he was mine was good enough for me. but i guess not for him. and the part that really had me for a twist. we had just seen each other not that long before it and things were FANTASTIC. we were so dang happy! and honestly.... that day was the happiest i have been for quite a while. that day had so much pure, lasting joy. nothing since has come close. sure ill be happy for a while, while hanging out with friends and such. but eventually it began to sink back in. the feeling of being so ALONE. so unwanted and not needed and just simply alone. and who can be happy when they feel like they are facing the world all by themself? high school is hard. but he made it sooo much easier to get through my life and to ENJOY it. like i said, I was so happy. he made me so happy. and im sure right about now you probably think it is really pathetic that a guy has that much control. and i simply dont care to hear it. oh and another thing. since its summer, we dont have to see each other. i havent seen him since the weekend after the 4th of july. and it sucks. cuz i feel like im forgetting him; forgetting us. and i think it makes it easier for him to just push this all aside and move on. school starts in about 2 weeks. we will just have to see how that goes.

he said "I wanna see you again. but I'm stuck in colder weather. maybe tomorrow will be better. can I call you then..?"