This is one of those moments that's got your name written all over it

Lol ya know what, imma pat myself on the back. For crying way too many tears but still being fine. For dying a little bit on the inside but smiling and cracking jokes on the outside. For still being able to look in the mirror and genuinely like what I see. For going through a personal hell but still keeping going instead of giving up. For hating situations instead of myself. I'm proud of being strong but also sad that I've had so many strengthening experiences. Like its great to be strong but it sucks to have your heart broken more than once, by the same guy. It's great to be able to wake up every morning and see it as a fresh start, even after breaking down the night before. Every morning and every day is a new chance for great things to happen. Maybe one day you'll come back to me. And maybe that day will never come. And I have no idea which one is more likely. 

I simultaneously want to see you and really spend time with you and have a great time and just not talk for quite a while. I don't know which is the better option. 

Happy Birthday btw

Just down tonight. 

I miss being your girl. Even when we weren't actually dating, it was still just like idk understood that I was yours. If that makes sense. 

I miss drinking with you. I miss watching breaking bad. I miss going to bed with you after crazy nights and waking up with you and just bumming around for a while before returning back to the "real world" and responsibilities. I miss you complimenting me. I miss the ass slaps in the hallway. I miss hanging out at the bridge. I miss our scary movie habit. I miss coming over and having dinner with you and your family.

Damn I was awkward as hell back then. I mean I'm still kinda awkward but I like to think I've got some charm as well. Still can't help but wish for another chance. To do it all again. Not redo the past, just a chance to do that stuff again. As adults. Growing up with you by my side was great. But we were kids. I've only recently really started to feel like an adult. I mean by recently I mean like a year and a half probably. But like I want a grown up chance. Not to say it wasn't serious before, because it was, but yeah. Maybe I was dumb but I really did see myself marrying you. I thought you were it. Now I don't know. I mean how can you be it when things are like this. But just a couple months ago, things weren't like this. So who knows. I'll keep a chance wide open for you. Maybe someday. They always say that if you love someone, you'll let them go. And if it's true love, they'll come back to you. And I mean yeah, but sometimes life just gets in the way. Things are rarely black and white, right and wrong. I would give anything to know if you are right or wrong for me. But for now I'm stuck in the gray. And it's like I'm simultaneously forgetting you and remembering everything about you and us. 

I still remember your 16th birthday. It was kinda cool and rainy. We went up to St. Peter to the park and took a little walk. That was nice. I feel kinda shitty for not really remembering the other birthdays. I think the others were more casual. The usual kind sweet text and maybe going out to eat. Memories tend to start to blur together

I can't promise you forever but I still want you to come over

Why do I have this awful feeling that an end is coming soon?

I dunno the nights get hard. I just, I dunno. 

I don't want to get phased out of your life but I can't help but wonder if that's going to be what happens. Unintentionally sure, but life has a way of doing stuff like that.

It crushes me to think like this and I know that I shouldn't but like I can't help but wonder if this'll be the last birthday of yours that I'll get to like actually celebrate with you, I mean if I even get to do that this year. Or if it'll be an obligatory text for a year or two and then nothing. Like I know that's terrible to say. But that's where my mind wanders sometime. I never thought we'd get to that point but now it doesn't seem so unrealistic. But just know that I don't want that. I don't want us to drift apart like that. But idk maybe we should. God that sounds terrible but like where do you see things going with us? I can't help but think this is where we drift. While Miranda and you are a thing. And if/when you aren't, then we could maybe dive back in? I dunno it's crazy but I have this romantic notion that we will drift and then if/when things don't work out, we will start to talk a lot again and get closer and you'll fall right back in love with me again. And maybe I've said too much but what else is new

She wasn't a once upon a time

Hi yes, how does one become not their own worst enemy? 

Do you ever have one of those days where nothing goes your way? You just have bad luck all day. Me today. Like I've said, I rarely have bad days but damn this one was a doozy. And most of it was all my fault, I was just too dumb. Which ya know makes it worse. But hopefully tomorrow is better

at least it wasn't for good

Shoulda just called you whiskey

It feels like it's been forever since things changed

It feels like I'm forgetting what things used to be like 

Nobody knew how much she blamed herself

I was really starting to feel the distance between us. 

But all it took was one little kinda caring thing to bring me back. 

Which kinda sounds lame, but it's true. I was feeling significantly worse before that was said