6 weeks

so as of tomorrow it will have been 6 weeks... that's a long time... But what sucks is that I don't think we are anywhere close to actually really maybe getting back together... I have a feeling this will take probably 6 months... which is approximately 24 weeks... meaning I am hopefully a 4th of the way there... I dunno... this all just sucks. I wish things would be better again. I've been waiting so long. I am starting to have some pretty decent days but yet I still haven't really gotten to the point of having good days and being happy. I have mostly good days until I start thinking to much or say something stupid. Yesterday was actually pretty good. We talked some at school and even went out to lunch together... He likes to pick on me a lot. And yesterday he also brought up a couple bad things I have done to him... like over reacting about something from months ago and then the car thing again. He says he's over them but why else would he bring them up again? They make me feel terrible. I regret every bad thing I ever did to him and I wish I could make it better. I wish things would hurry up and be better. I am getting exhausted. I feel like I don't have time to recover from what's already happened before the next thing happens and knocks me back more. And this morning I told him that I miss us and he said that he sometimes misses us too.... sometimes is more frequent than occasionally, right? Blah. But yet he also doesn't think we will be together again 2 months from now... Maybe I'm crazy for this but I keep hoping that one morning he will wake up and realize he wants us. But he doesn't deal with things the same way I do. He recovers quickly. At least that's the front he puts up. I do still kinda think that he misses us and stuff more than he will admit to me because he doesn't want to lead me on... But maybe I'm just crazy and think that to comfort myself. Blah. While life is going so slow in some aspects, it's also flying by in others. Like the day by day seems to drag but looking back its like damn its already been a month and a half. I just want to make him happy and want him to make me happy. Because I think we really did that for each other. I just don't know what to do. Maybe him and I can have a heart to heart some time soon.... but until things get better, I just have to keep trudging through

occasionally

So yesterday we were talking and he said that he occasionally misses me and occasionally wants me... That's gotta be a start. In fact I told him that that was a start and he said yes. And he still loves me. And then today T and I had a really great conversation before school started this morning. She said that he did say that he misses me and doesn't want to hurt me and that he really does like coming to visit me. Which is good because I love those too. We always have a great time. I hope those don't go away. I really do. Honestly I think that he thinks about me and misses me and stuff more than he will admit to me just because he doesn't want to lead me on. And part of what T said made it sound like was like he said he still really cares about me and likes coming to see me and I'm his first serious gf so obviously I still have a big part of his heart and all that so it sounds like he does kinda want us but also needs to figure things out.... I think that's what this has turned into. Figuring stuff out. Making sure we are right. With this whole "maybe someday" mentality about getting back together. And I still hope that we do. I really do. So hopefully all works well in the end.

New topic. N asked me to Prom last night. That was cute and a total surprise. I hope it ends up being really fun. I still do wish that I knew how things will be in 2 months. According to Z we won't be together by then. Sorry to end on a sad note but I think I'm done

visitor

I really love it when he comes to visit me. Like this afternoon. I told him I was having a bad day and so he came and visited me. Which is really sweet. So obviously he still cares about me. It was a good visit too. I had a really good time. I mean he asked me what I was thinking and I told him he doesn't want to hear it and he said he does so I poked him and said I want him... And he didn't really say anything about that. But that's okay. We laughed quite a bit and seriously couldn't keep our hands off each other. Like we kept poking each other and doing silly stuff like that. And it ended with an awkward car hug, and "I love you", and a kiss.... Gah I want us... but I think I am doing a better job of letting go and leaving it up to fate and God... If we are meant to be, we will be, we will find our ways back to each other... And at this point, I think it will happen, its just a matter of when... I mean it's already been 5 weeks.... But I have a feeling it will be quite a while before we would get together again... And before coming to see me, I asked him if he misses me at all and he said "sure I do" sooo yeah... Blah.... Maybe some day.

okay

So he forgave me, in case you were wondering. And last night even ended with a "goodnight, love you". And today... I've been doing okay :) starting yesterday afternoon when he talked to me again and forgave me, I have been doing a really good job of just talking like friends. So that has to be really good. And I love talking to him. Even though now it really is pretty normal, nothing exciting. I dunno I hope I am actually starting to be okay... like I don't know if that's actually what is happening or if I'm clinging onto a hope for us so much that I think things are okay. I don't know it makes sense in my head. Maybe I am starting to really let go... I mean there is this Sara girl but according to both T and A, it's nothing like that. I mean just like I don't know how I feel about that. Like I mean it bothers me but I have no right to get upset over it. I don't know. But I hope it just gets better from here. I hope he sees that we really work and are great for each other. I hope so. But ya.

stupid

when people are hurting, they do stupid shit. And I definitely was being stupid last night. I am so sorry. Please forgive me. I regret it so much.
I can't believe how fucked up everything has gotten in the past month and a half :(