relief

I understand that this is hard for you to deal with. I know it's disappointing when you are expecting something to happen and then it doesn't. But once you get through this, you will see that this is for the best. Your life will be so much easier. One day, you guys will have a baby and it will be worth the wait. So let's try to get through high school and at least 1 year of college before babies get brought into our world? Let's make that a goal? For both of us.     ya know, I was really afraid that our living situation would be ruined. I was sad about that too. I was also really sad because it probably would have meant losing my best friend. Not through choice, but just because a baby takes up a lot of time and so you wouldn't be able to hang out and do everything and such. So I'm really glad that you aren't. I know that is selfish, but I was also thinking of you and how much your life would have changed. And now we are going to have a great weekend! :)

h/p

so in case y'all didn't notice, I've kinda been having a hard time since getting home. I think reality just really set in again and everything was real again. Yeah yeah, reality never left. But when you are almost a thousand miles away on vacation, you're away from it all. It kinda seemed like life had stopped. Except it didn't, it kept right on. And now I'm back and sprinting to catch up. And it's hard to be away from everyone. It makes things weird. I haven't seen any of my friends in 2 weeks. So tomorrow will be really great. Honestly... I dunno, I think it will be one hell of an interesting weekend. Sunday night, once we all are home again, that's when we can see the outcome of the weekend together. But hey, at least for now, I think I'm doing better. I think our conversation did help in the end. I mean, the reason is a pretty big one, but at least it is the only one. So the positive is that there isn't a bunch of other stuff that would have to be worked out. Just like how there are some positives to this whole situation. It has made me stronger. It has made me more aware of my actions and how they affect other people. We have become really good friends and I really love that. It has made us closer. It helps things now, and if maybe someday happens, it will help make us even better then too. And... I have a better idea of how to be a better girlfriend to you. So again, if maybe someday happens, that will really help us be better than ever. I... know that I need to realize when I have a good thing and to just be happy. Like what the hell was I doing this winter. Being sad for really no reason. Being sad doesn't help. So I really try to find positive and focus on that. I don't try to be negative. Sometimes it just happens. But I do try to get out of it. You should know that. Even on vacation, I was sad for a bit but I still smiled and got better. And even after our conversation today, during which I cried yet again, I smiled after it. I still get sad but then I get happy again. And if you were mine again, I wouldn't take that for granted or not realize what I had. I would be so happy just because we were together. I don't know what I'm trying to get at. I just want you to know that I do do my best to stay positive and be happy. I know that both of those things help situations. And now I've just kinda been stuck here for 10 minutes er so. I feel like I have more to say, but I'm not coming up with words and sentences to type out. I dunno, like I said, I don't know what I'm trying to accomplish with this. Just letting you know I guess. Because I know that at this point, it doesn't change anything. Maybe someday. I love you

all of it.

I still see it all in my head.

I still remember the very first time I talked to you. I was actually kinda nervous but excited at the same time, and I remember that as it went on, I started getting giddy. I got butterflies. It was a Monday night and you were watching football.

I remember you asking me out for the first time and even then, it made me so happy.

I remember being in Iowa for Thanksgiving the following week and how we already wanted to tell each other we love each other. But we wanted to wait and do it in person.

I remember the very first time you told me those 3 beautiful words. I love you

I remember our first kiss. My first. I think it was just as awkward as any junior high first kiss. But I mean that in a good spirited way. I still remember the way it felt.

I remember those first times we went over to each other's houses. I don't know about you, but I was really nervous. At the time, I didn't know that your house would one day become almost like my second home.

I remember you giving me doggie. He has had an almost permanent residence on my bed and in my arms ever since.

I remember this last time we dated, that day in Fairmont together where we both seemed to know that something was going to happen. You asked me out again. And it was really sweet and cute and I still remember sitting in the truck on the first of many sketchy gravel roads, reading that note you wrote me.

I remember our first time. I was completely 100% comfortable with you. And it felt so good to trust someone so deeply. Sorry for how sexual that sentence ended up being :P My first time was a really good experience. The sex might not have been that good, but it was the very first time for both of us. And we got a lot better.

I remember our last time. It might not have meant anything to you, but it still meant something to me.

I remember last summer. We were together a lot and we were so in love. I remember those nights driving with you and holding hands and being able to feel our love and think that we would be together forever. That this was it. We finally made it. I remember being so incredibly happy with you.

I remember how right and amazing it felt to just be in your arms.

I remember all the times you did really sweet things for me. You were an amazing boyfriend.

I remember our date that was now about 3 months ago. We were us again. We were really happy and in love.

I remember it all too well. And I think that is why I can't seem to give up and move on.

I cried pretty much this entire time typing this. I wouldn't give any of it up for the world and I would give anything to have it again. I miss us so much.

I still love you so much.

If only you were as ready to jump back into us as I am.

wakdvlk

when we are actually together in person.... it's really great. I think we both know that. We both have a good time. It's also like we are close to us. We don't go there, we can't go there. But we get close. We are happy. Like when you were over right before I left... getting ice cream... I dunno. We could be really good and cute and yeah. I still want us. Which you know. So I really don't want us hanging out to change. I want it to be like that.

Our honest conversation.... I love how we can be serious and talk openly and be honest. I mean some of it sucked to hear but other bits made me feel kinda good.

I just... now that I'm back... Idk I kinda feel hopeless... and I just wanna go cry. Bye.

much needed.

...some times I hate how I.. we.. fell so deeply in love so young. (it's the young part I'm talking about, not the falling in love part. That part I love.) Because now what if things don't ever work out for us? I'm going to spend my whole life trying to find something that lives up to, or maybe even exceeds, our love. And I am really afraid that I will never find it. I'm afraid that you will always be the one that got away.


because lately... I don't know if it will work out. I really want it to, but there's 2 sides, 2 people involved in whether or not it happens. And I don't know what you want. Maybe we were just busy, but I don't know if that was all it while I was gone. We haven't seen each other so it's easier for things to get distant... But you seemed to start to get colder again. Like in a not wanting me way. I don't know if that makes sense. Maybe I should just say that while I was gone, the way you were had/has me thinking that our chance is growing smaller and smaller. Maybe I am jumping ahead of things. But it makes me sad. But like I said, maybe it's was just the hundreds of miles and busy schedules. I really hope that that was what it was. I want us to go back to normal now. Please?

backkkk

so finally, vacation is over. It got to be really long and a couple days ago, I was already beyond ready to come home. And now I am here! Life can begin again. And I'm really excited for this weekend. Seriously I think it will be fun, and if anything, it will be nice to see you guys and to get away from my family.

so........ I guess it actually kinda ya know really sucks that I was gone for almost 2 weeks and you didn't miss me... I don't even mean miss me as in like miss us, I just mean that we are pretty good friends who haven't seen each other in a while miss me. Like the way I miss T. I mean, I miss us too but when I said that I miss you, I just meant in a friend way. Because I know you don't miss us. I just thought maybe you would miss me but I guess you don't. Or if you did, you didn't say so. And that sucks.

I have seriously really missed blogging. I have had lots of feelings to vent out.