It's hard to say I love you but it's harder to say I don't

And then today was actually quite good 

Only know you love her when you let her go, and you let her go

Do you just want me to give up completely on us? I feel like the answer is yes. And ya know, 2 weeks ago, hell even 1 week ago, I really didn't think that was possible for me to do. But yet here I am, feeling like I have no choice but to give up. And I really don't want to because I'm stubborn as hell. But idk. It's like even talking to me is too much. And like it sucks, because I know you're still in there. Under the cold shoulder, it's still you. And so obviously I want to crack that shell and idk, have things be like before honestly. I mean we can leave out the coupley stuff and whatever, but like just talk to me. And you said we would still hang out. You promised even. And I believe you meant it. But I dunno, there hasn't been much effort. And I mean yes, you've been working like all the time. So there's that. I guess my question right now is how much do I give up on. Because you're doing a pretty good job of pushing me away. Which hurts. It kills me inside. But I have no choice but to deal. 

My biggest question is what if you keep pushing me away, and the distance between us starts to become extensive, and then you realize it, I'm gone, and in that moment, you feel like you've made a mistake. What then? Because I feel like that could happen. I've always been here and said I always will be. So what happens if that goes away? You lose the security of my constantness. I don't want you to ever feel like you can't randomly text me and tell me crazy things like that. Even if we haven't talked in weeks, I'll always listen. Wow it pained me to say haven't talked in weeks. But I dunno, at this rate, I can't help but feel like we are going to start to talk less and less. Unless you start giving us being friends a better chance. Which like sucks, I never thought this would happen. But I'm getting better at not telling you every story or funny thing right away. Much less double texting. Much more waiting for a response first. Silence speaks volumes. 

I don't want to drift further apart. But I'm not sure if you're giving me an option. 

He said I wanna see you again, but I'm stuck in colder weather, maybe tomorrow will be better, can I call you then?

I can't tell if I'm accepting or denying

Maybe some of both

Because I'm pretty fine, I'll laugh at things, enjoy moments, I'm fine. Until I'm not. Once I break, I'm really not fine, thinking about all the things it seems like are going away. Because it's not just you. While obviously that's the big one, it's the weekend nights I spent over there too. Hanging out with every one there. It's giving up on all the things I thought we could do in the upcoming months. Because apparently now baseball games may be too much. 

And ya know, with Sena, at least it was someone I didn't know. But see I was actually starting to really like Miranda and wanted to be friends with her. Like the girl has seen me cry, and that's not something I just do. But I guess you were starting to like her more too. And now I don't know if I'll ever be in a good place with her. It's not like I hate her, I just, idk. It's not her fault and I hate that it has to be this way. But I just can't, at least not now. We will have to see what the future holds I guess. 

But clearly I'm still hurting, no matter how much I try to pretend I'm okay. 

Side note, Colder Weather by Zac Brown Band. If you've ever wondered. Probably my all time favorite song

May is still a couple months away but that's going to be a good month. Finish the semester, go to the North Shore, quite possibly go to a couple Twins games, and then Tree Town. Eventful, fun, full of things I love. I just wish it were sooner, but yet it'll be here soon enough. 

Everything I need, and nothing that I don't

Ya know, and I don't necessarily mean this in a bad way, but I think 2014 was my best year yet. So many fun events that year and it was overall a happy year. I was happy for most of it. I mean senior jobs, New York, senior prom, graduation while sitting next to my best friend, Virginia beach vacation, move in, all the fun times we had together. That year was fun thing after fun thing and we were really good that year. 

2015 wasn't a bad year. It just wasn't overly eventful and had its ups and downs. Moving back in with my family was probably the biggy. And it's now been 5 months and I still don't have my own freaking room and I'm so ready for that. 

And I don't know what to think of what 2016 will be like. So far, hasn't been that great. Had some pretty good days and a couple really good days. But now there's been a growing string of not so good days. So 2 months in, this year is just ok. Which isn't to say that I don't hope and think that things can get better from here. I mean we have gotten through tough things before and I don't have any doubts that we can get back to great, as long as we both want that. It will just take some time. And for now, I really am good with just friends. There's really no other way for it to be besides not even friends and I don't want that. I hope you don't want that either. I think friends is a good place for us for the time being. And by the end of the year, we will either be in a better place together, or we will have drifted farther apart. It can go either way and it's just going to happen. But I'm really starting to understand that we can't be what I want right now. Maybe someday, but not now. So friends would be great because that's better than losing you completely. 

As far as other possible predictions, goals, hopes, etc for 2016, I hope it gets happier from here. I want it to be a good year. Still 10 whole months to go. I want to find myself more and keep working towards goals. I want to take more time for art. I want to get back to having hobbies other than Netflix haha. I want to take more pictures and see more things. I think that maybe by the end of the year I'll also possibly have my own place. The thought still kinda scares me but it would be nice to have my own space again, away from family. This goal or whatever will probably have to get an update after I have my own room again, but I'm not sure how much it'll change. Maybe I'll just push it back into spring 2017. Because having my own place is definitely different than having my own room and I want that freedom again. Not that living here has many rules and restrictions, but it would be nice to do whatever I want whenever I want again. Be alone. Have people over, have certain special people over. I miss that freedom, and the fact that no one was there judging my decisions. Ik my parents trust me and allow it and such but I get shit if I'm leaving after like 10:30. And clearly, for me, leaving after that isn't a big deal since I'm up til 1 to 2 most nights anyways. I miss late night shenanigans. And other late night things, if you know what I mean :P

So yeah, hoping for a good year. It started off with a great day with you and has kinda been downhill since. But like I said, 10 months left for a great upswing.

And as for a more so current update, today was better. Talking to you was quite nice and reassured me that things will get better. But I can tell you still need some space. And I'm trying to prove I can back off. It'll just take some time for me to really get the hang of it. But I'm trying

Goodbye changes everything

So in hindsight, that was dumb, I was dumb. I just still want to talk to you and couldn't see that I was being destructive. 

And so I hope this space works out for the better. I'm glad I'm able to show you that I'm not always a crazy lady :P it's just hard not knowing how long it'll be. I've kinda given up on it being today. Which sucks, because earlier when I saw you messaged, I got a little excited. But yeah. And that's okay, this will be good for me too, I think. But at this point, I'm kinda wondering about it in a timeline of days and not hours. But who knows, maybe I'll wake up to a message. Not getting my hopes up though. 

So goodnight, sweet dreams, love you. You have no idea how much I want to actually say that to you. 

Honestly, I don't know why I keep coming back to this general topic. Probably partly because I want you to be happy and successful and partly because I want to see you more often again. But anyways, I hope you go back to school in the fall. Even if you decide not to do aviation, I think you could be good at business management or something similar. You said you liked Econ and you're really good at speaking in front of people and enjoy that too. I see there being multiple options for you. And I still want to help you get there. Like I'll even take college algebra with you, haha. 

So I have yet to say anything about this to anyone, but depending on how things are, I think that after graduation, I may look for a job elsewhere. Get out of south central MN. As much as I love it here, if there isn't anything, more specifically anyone, keeping me here, I think it would be a good time for me to leave. Probably not permanently, but at least for a while. I didn't move away for college and part of me regrets that. But the other part, the main part, has loved living with and remaining close to my 2 best friends. And it would be hard to leave my home, but it might be an experience I'll need. I see my history, and almost more importantly, our history, everywhere in this town. So basically, if we aren't a thing, and I haven't found someone else here, in 2 years, I'll strongly consider jobs elsewhere. But that's still 2 years out, and clearly a lot can change in 2 years. Even 1 year seems to change a lot. You probably don't remember this, but almost exactly a year ago, you said some of the sweetest things to me. Less than 2 years ago you said when you're comfortable, you'd try to propose on a Saturday. So where is the next 2 years going to take us?

And now it's leap day. An extra day. And I would love to spend it happy with you. But we shall see

God damn I miss those great moments. 

I gotta light this town on fire or leave

Ya know, you are still all I want, trust me when I say that. But I'm going to start thinking about you and caring a little less every day. Until I get to the point where I can treat you the same crappy way you treat me. At least I'm gonna try. Because I don't deserve to be ignored by someone who is on their phone most of the time, except when working. Especially when I'm still giving my all, but yet most of the time I'm just trying to talk to my best friend. But I just get ignored. I'm just saying, the "I'm busy" excuse doesn't work when you snap back but don't text back. 

At least I'm gonna try, or maybe just pretend. Because I still see you all around me. I still can't get you off my mind. You're stuck there. I can't just move on. And that's the shitty part. I'm getting left behind but don't seem to be able to move forward myself. They say time heals all wounds, and I mean it's only been a week, but I've never been able to move on from you. That's my burden

I very well might regret all this in the morning, but right now, I'm mad.

But just like that, I really don't know that I'll be able to do that. Care less. I'll always care so much. Too much. That's just who I am. I care too much, and I'm too stubborn. I can't just give up on something, and especially not on someone I really care about. And especially not on you. 

So maybe the days will get easier. Or maybe I'll just have to pretend that they are.