I'm a midnight lover on the loose

It feels good to be done with another semester. Getting closer to the still distant finish line. It's the finish line that kinda scares me though. I know school, I'm good at it and my plan goes up until schooling is finished. But what comes after that, when grown up life really begins is just kinda scary. Lots of unknowns and up in the airs. Will i move away or stay here? I do think moving elsewhere would be a good option. Of course job opportunities have to get figured in but since I didn't leave for college, maybe I should leave for my big girl job. Not that I don't like it here and would miss the friends and family here, but I'm open to my path leading me to somewhere other than southern Minnesota. So those are my late night thoughts of the evening. 

3/8

Almost done with the semester which means I'm almost 3/8 done with college (hopefully) yayyyyyy *tries not to think about the part where I'm still not completely sure what to do* side note, this weather is crazy. Almost 50 degrees in the middle of December. Damn.  p.s. I need sleep goooodniiiiightt

Hello, it's me

It's crazy to think it's been 6 years now. Like damn. In 6 years, so much has changed, but yet so much has stayed the same. In all respects. 6 years ago, who woulda thought we all would be where we are at. So much has happened. But there is still so much life left ahead of us. Really makes me wonder where all of us will be in another 6 years..

P.S. I do miss living with you guys. 

P.S.S. I think it's about time I get out of this town again. Don't get me wrong, I do really like it here, but I get restless. I want to travel, see things and do things that are different from here. 

Hey pretty girl

Something about live music makes it 10 times better. Singing along, dancing along, feeling the music. Hey Pretty Girl was amazing as is, but when Kip choked up towards the end, damn. Freakin great. Great performance, great time

Bingo

Something about driving at night is so calming and great 

You're a beautiful drug

 So obviously I've been pretty busy. It's hard to believe it's already and only been a week since moving. Last week was absolutely crazy and it already feels like forever ago. So much had to happen in a very short time. It was definitely worth it though. And then the week was capped off nicely with a Twins game and then a bonfire and hot tubbing the next night. I always get target field fever after every time I go to a game. I just love it there. It's such a good experience. The company wasn't so bad either ;) goal is to go to more games next season. I only went to 2 this year so it shouldn't be hard to beat :)

Also in other news, knock on wood, but I seem to finally be healthy again!! After being sick for close to 2 weeks straight, I finally feel pretty good. Which is great because it's just in time for the height of fall. I love fall. This weather has been so nice and I'm loving every bit of it. 

And now I'm going to blow off some steam. In case no ones noticed, I'm more likely to blog if I'm upset about something. So hold on cause I'm about to get heated. 

I wish I didn't have to bite my tongue to rude customers at work. This bitch (always a good sign when a story starts with "this bitch" haha) more or less said I was stupid because I wasn't sure of how to take her single sided copies and make them into a front and back single sheet copy. "This is your department, isn't it? Do you work back here a lot, shouldn't you know how to do this?" Hold up bitch. First off, we were never even trained on the copy machine at all. Second, yes, I work back here all the time. I've never once had to do this before. (That part I told her) I've also never, in my year I've been in this department and the hundreds of hours I have spent here had to deal with someone being so bitchy over some damn copies. (That part I didn't say). And third, you neither gave me the chance to even look at the machine to figure it nor the chance to tell you I was going to get help. Because duh   She also pretty much implied I was stupid again all because I asked her how many copies she made when I was ringing her up. WHY WAS THAT A BIG DEAL??? But whatever, if you feel the need to be so rude to your customer service clerk, I feel sorry for you because  your life must be shit. There is no need to be straight up rude right off the bat. Why do you feel the need to be nasty? That's going to get you nowhere. So good luck with that. 

ROUND TWO. Whyyy did people get mad over a sign that said "join the movement #caramelapplesmatter" like whaaaat theeee fuuuuuck. It's funny. They are promoting fruit for God's sake.  "Black lives matter" is supposedly supposed to be about equality and such. But how the fuck can you be for equality when you are singling out your group and saying black lives matter. ALL LIVES MATTER. If you were truly about all that, your motto would be all lives matter, because they do. DUMB. 

HERE WE GO. I literally (yes, literally, this is how it is supposed to be used :P) cannot drive down victory drive during 40 days of life without getting heated. "Pray to end abortion" ummm hellll no. My views on abortion are kind of complicated but I know enough to know that sometimes, abortions aren't wanted. If you are getting an abortion at 20 weeks, YOU DID NOT WANT IT. At that point, it is a matter of either life or death for the mother to continue carrying the baby or the baby has already passed away. You cannot tell me that any woman would have an abortion that late because she suddenly felt like it. No. If the mother's life is at risk and you are saying "pray to end abortion" you are basically praying to take away a life saving measure. Like what. I understand that the babies life matters too, obviously, but if it is no longer alive, why should the mother have to pass away as well. Not to mention you have to go through some fairly extensive counseling before you can go through with any abortion. Also, YOU CANT EVEN GET AN ABORTION THERE. NOPE. It is a women's health clinic. If you are against planned parenthood, you are basically against women having the right and freedom to appropriate health care that they very well might not otherwise receive. They are actually very good at making sure these women can prevent pregnancy if they don't want a baby right now. They have options. Not to mention the STD testing and such that they also do. Not to mention that shoving your views and morals down the throats of other people and SHAMING women for going to a women's HEALTH CLINIC is NOT OKAY. Have your beliefs, everyone has their own, but making people feel bad because their morals are not the same as yours, that is NOT OKAY. Who do you think you are to tell other people how to live their lives. It makes me so mad! I want to go out and protest the protesters. Just make a sign that says something like honk for women's rights and women's health. Not that I would probably actually do it, but I get really angry over it. 

And on that note, goodnight and sweet dreams 😘😂

Baby that was smoke and mirrors, this is you and me

We are now on week 3 of school and thus seeing each other almost every day. I don't think we've gotten sick of each other yet, so that's good. It's mostly been alright. Seeing you Monday, when we didn't have to think about school and work, that was really great. I mean yeah, of course hanging out during the week, between classes and work and such is still nice, but it was just different and more relaxed to not have those things in the back of my mind. Definitely glad I'm getting some more days off coming up. Working 5 days a week, on top of school, just gets to be a lot. 

Can you believe I move in just 3 weeks? While it's like it's still 3 weeks away, it's only 3 weeks away and I know that these weeks will fly. So much to look forward to. Shopping with my mom and sister not this weekend but the next, then my birthday that following week, then moving day, getting my puppy back, Twins game, possibly jerod niemann concert, then Kip Moore concert at the end of October. And getting my bedroom, bathroom, and the rest of the basement finished. It's gonna be crazy but oh so great :)

Esquela

Well, one week down, 15 left to go :P I'm excited for a couple of the classes but also dreading some of the work. Oh well, that's school. 

Pretty proud of how close you are to getting your license. You're so close!

Now I need some sleep. Before things keep sliding down hill. 

Side note, wish you could actually talk to me about things that bother you and such. I always feel like I'm failing you. 

Sleepy

The past week and the last few days in particular, have been really great with you. I just feel really loved and it's great :) 

Being back home at my parents house hasn't been too much of a transition. I've been working a lot so that has contributed to these couple weeks flying by. And now that our house has sold and the next step appears to be setting closing dates, I'm really excited about that too. I mean yes, it's kinda sad to leave behind essentially the house that built me, there are certainly a lot of memories here. But I'm happy with life and am excited for us to have a new house. I mean come on, after 10+ years of my family sharing one bathroom, living in a house with 3.5 baths will be great :P and I'll be set up pretty nice there too since my bedroom is in the basement and everyone else's is on the 2nd story. Nice and secluded. And did I mention the giant backyard, 2 story deck, and the hot tub?? And it's looking like we will probably(hopefully) be moved before my birthday in about a month and a half. That's crazy. But I can't wait. 

What's also crazy is that school is just over a week away from starting. Where did the summer go??? I'm actually kinda ready to go back though. It'll be nice to work less but still be doing something productive, you know? I think it'll be a good semester. Hopefully we don't get sick of each other with all of our classes together :P it wasn't until recently that I realized that yeah, we are going to be seeing a lot of each other at school and that is a big change. Hopefully it's a good thing and we can motivate each other and all that. I'm pretty used to having my own separate school crap to get done but now most of our assignments will be the same. As of right now, I'm feeling pretty good about it. I think it will over all be a good thing. And if it's not, the semester is only like 3 and a half months and then we can go back to taking our own classes :P although thinking about it, I think spring will be the semester where I really buckle down with just classes for my major and minor. We can still coordinate our schedules though and have lunch and such together. I always enjoy that :) but I mean really, I hardly ever have a bad time when I'm with you :) 

The last time

Well here it is, last night in the house. It doesn't really seem real yet but at the same time, I'm sad to be leaving. I enjoy living away from home. It's been great. But at the same time, I'm scared to try to afford my own place. It's just kinda a tough decision I guess and who knows. I think I would be much more okay with it if we were moving into our new house right away. That house will be good, I'll be secluded and able to feel like I'm on my own somewhat. So hopefully that all works out and our house will sell soon so we can get into the new one. Although after the moving I did today, not looking forward to moving all the stuff again :P I'm definitely going to try to get rid of some stuff and minimize it. Because I have so much stuff, it's ridiculous :P

His voice is a familiar sound

I really do like talking on the phone for several minutes here and there. It's nice to just catch up and talk and such. Always good to hear your voice. I still really miss you though. Can't wait to see you again

A year ago exactly, I was sleeping in the beach house :( I miss the beach :( and the mountains :( I just want to go on a trip so bad 

Stay over

You're pretty much my favorite person and you're great and I wish for nothing more than for you to be here with me (or me there) during this storm. It would be perfection. Good news is that there will be plenty more storms in the future for us to share :)

I wish you would

Once again my thoughts are circling around the few ideas I have of what I actually want to do for a career. There's the balancing of what I think sounds fun/interesting/awesome with the financial side of how comfortably I want to live. Because my latest and greatest fun idea is being a national park ranger. And with a salary of about $30,000 a year, my brain takes a step back from that one. I'm not saying money is everything but I definitely need to consider it and I want to find a balance. Of course two incomes to rely on would make it a lot better but that too is a question mark at this point. Too many question marks in my future right now

I have also thought a bit about what I would do if I won the lottery :P I would pay off my current loans and invest it and buy more than one house and travel so much and open an art/photography gallery and have my own ceramic studio/store, maybe have branches in other places, and donate to causes I believe in and jeeze the possibilities are endless. 

"Baby come home"

I'm I've been feeling really good about us lately. Basically ever since I felt really bad for that one night. It's been great. They say that distance makes the heart grow fonder and all that and I think that's happening. While we are so great, I still miss you and can't wait to see you again next week. I also loved talking on the phone like that. It was really nice and thoughtful :) 

It was the Fourth of July, you and I were fireworks that went off too soon

And just like that, I was calm again. It's amazing what sleep can do. It's also really kind of a weird experience to go to bed feeling like crap and wake up feeling totally fine. I'm not saying it's a bad thing, just weird :P 

I'm excited to see you again in like a week. It kinda sucks that it has to be that long, but at the same time, I know it could be a lot worse and I'm glad that it's not. I've just really liked hanging out with you lately. It's been great so I look forward to it again. :) see you soon(ish) 😘

I just don't understand

...It's been a long time since the last time I felt this bad about like us. It felt like you were completely uninterested in me and  don't care about me. And like it fucking sucks to never see you on the weekends. Especially since I invite you over here almost every weekend and you have never once invited me over there. I really don't understand. It's like I'm not good enough. Second choice. I don't understand why you are being so cold, we were great just the other day and then all of a sudden today it went to complete shit. I hate feeling like rock bottom. These are the times I want to just run away from here. 

11:11 make a wish.....

Somewhere with you

I have the best time with you every time. It's great :)

Idk

Liquid courage has my back again tonight 

Let it ride

I've definitely been blessed with the ability to find beauty everywhere. Whether it be Yellowstone, Charleston, NYC, or the MN River Valley, I see it. Even corn fields can be gorgeous. It's almost a curse in a way because it makes me crave travel constantly. But that's okay, I'm just going to appreciate it all

Guess we should have seen this comin, I can't say it didn't cross my mind

Obviously this is a little late but I still feel like it is worth being shared. The other night with you was honestly great. We were being so real with each other. I mean it's not as if we ever aren't honest or whatever but it was really open and light and fun :) I dunno, I feel like we got closer. It was fun, we were fun. Tried something new, that's for sure ;) I'd be down for more nights like that. :)

Terrific

A terrific night with you and then a terrific day with Lorissa. Been living the dream the past 27 hours :)

I wanna see you again, but I'm stuck in colder weather, maybe tomorrow will be better

...the one thing I was fearing was going to happen once you moved out seems to be in the midst of happening. At first we hung out multiple times a week. And then  once or maybe twice a week. And now it seems to be possibly every other week. It just sucks. I miss seeing you fairly often. I get life can be crazy and busy and I hate to whine but yeah. 

Here I stand, just as I am

I don't feel like myself 

June gloom

Some nights I seem to be really positive and some seem to be pretty negative. Like tonight. It's like the one thing I know I want in my future is something I seem to have very little control over and is completely up in the air. I wish I could have what I want. But maybe God is just working in mysterious ways, as per usual. 

You might think I'm crazy, that I'm lost and foolish

Simultaneously scared and excited for the future, both caused by the uncertainty of it. That uncertainty is beautiful in a way but it also leaves a lot of things up in the air. I feel like I'm going to have a great life, I just have no idea where my path is taking me right now. Mainly because I don't even know if I really am on a path or just kind of wandering about. 

What doesn't kill you only makes you blonder

I can't seem to get my mind to turn off so I can get some sleep. I feel like I'm not even thinking about that much. 

I always seem to have a pretty good time with you. But I guess sometimes I just wonder who has a bigger piece of your heart. Kind of an awkward statement to try to follow so moving right along 

So I'm still not sure what to do with my life haha. Flipping houses would be pretty cool but it's not very realistic. Honestly being a flight attendant sounds interesting. I mean I haven't looked into detail about it but a 10 week program in the cities and housing for that time would be $7000. Which isn't that bad, considering you'll be hired right after that. It's like a year of tuition at MSU. Sooo if I really don't find something else to do, I might do that. It seems like it could be really fun and interesting. So I may look into that more. It would be pretty cute and kinda funny if we end up together and you're a pilot and I'm a flight attendant :P I dunno, if anything, I could do that for a while and then go back o school later on when I want to do something different. I feel like it would be something I would only want to do while I'm still young. But who really knows 

All I know is I still want you to come over and I'm stone cold sober

Stone Cold Sober ~ Brantley Gilbert

Pretty much perfection 

I don't know where you're going but do you have room for one more troubled soul

Lately I've kinda been able to reaffirm that I think I would be okay living on my own. I like to be alone a reasonable amount that just hanging out would probably be sufficient.  Don't get me wrong, I would still love it if just you and I lived together. I think that would work really well too. But we will have to see what happens with that. And otherwise, I like being in charge of myself. I feel like living on my own isn't too far out of my realm anymore. 

Oh how the mighty fall

I guess it would have been nice to not have to stifle my excitement for the sake of you not caring about what I was excited for. I dunno I'm not saying you should be excited too but like idk supportive. It just really put a damper on it that you were like shutting down every comment I was making about it. And then you wouldn't even bring up something else to talk about. It gets hard to drive conversations sometimes.  Idk

What do you think of when you just can't fall asleep?

Yet again, I had a really good time with you :) when I first got there, i was a little anxious because it was kind of a rough start. But then we actually started talking and such and it went up from there. I feel like we bring something good out of each other. And spending the night was very nice, even though it was unexpected. :) it's such a like real life experience and it was real good. There was a lot of good energy between us. Just great to see you :) I really enjoy being there. Definitely a big fan of your place :) p.s. You snore when you nap :P :)

I'll miss you in the June gloom too

Being bored out of my mind makes me feel like I'm actually out of my mind... Not like crazy, but just not myself. It's like I've been drained away from myself. If that makes sense? I'll have nothing interesting to say because I'm so bored. Which sucks. I want to have good conversations. I don't want to feel unlike myself. I'd like to think that I'm usually fairly energetic and happy and such and I'm just not those things while bored. I'm bored so I become boring. Which is so lame. I hate it

But I got to turn it around and I actually accomplished some things. And then I was excited to actually like talk to you about more interesting things and you were asleep :P oh well, tomorrow is still there 

Which I'm quite excited about by the way. It's been almost a week since I've seen you (for more than 2 min). I've actually missed you quite a bit. Look forward to seeing you again :) I try to stay in that more positive mindset but it can be difficult. I mean I really would have liked to see you today but it didn't work out and the day was still decent. Hopeful tomorrow will be great :) 

...I guess I'm just.. Anxious about what things will be like once she moves in. I'm having a hard time imagining it working out any other way than us not seeing much of each other, which really makes me sad. Way back before everything changed, I had really been looking forward to the summer of us living together and now it's going to be pretty much the complete opposite of that and I think I'm still trying to cope with losing that. I feel like I don't have much to look forward to right now. Like at all

When the city goes silent, the ringing in my ears gets violent

I dunno, being stuck with my own thoughts for too long doesn't usually seem to be a good thing. I can float along the surface of life really quite well. But during the quiet, alone time.. Composure breaks down. I want to do more but I'm stuck in the hyvee routine. And I can't just not work; I need the money. But I wish I didn't have to, so I could do whatever, whenever. It's so restricting some times. The daily grind can get so boring and monotonous. And I'm still frightened of life after college because I don't know what I want to know. I don't know what to do that will make me happy and what will allow me to enjoy the daily routine, at least when it comes to a career and supporting myself. I dunno. I wish I knew what the right moves are. I think that's what it comes down too. I'm not necessarily afraid of failure, I just want to know what the right thing to do is. But there's not really any feasible way to know that for sure. We are all going off of hunches... I feel like there's a strong possibility that I will stumble through my twenties. I dunno, maybe I will end up double majoring so I have options once I finish school. I wish college wasn't so expensive because then I would stay longer and learn more and figure shit out and absorb all this knowledge because after college, knowledge is power. Okay, this crazy train needs to be stopped. I'm where I need to be right now. I've got a year of college under my belt, and I am doing just fine. I'll figure it out

Anything you say can and will be held against you

For starters, I had a really good 22ish hours with you. :) we had a lot of fun and I don't think we ever really annoyed each other, too bad at least. :P I love seeing you so happy and excited and I love being a part of that. It was just a good day :) it was kinda like a glimpse of what it would be like to live together, just you and I. Except I would have to imagine that we spent more time together today than what a normal day would be like. I liked it. :)   I'm sorry about the end.. It was just like all of a sudden you were all sleepy and telling me to go and I had thought we were going to do other things. And it's not the fact that we didn't that upset me, it was the fact that earlier you had said that we would and then you didn't follow through. It was almost like a broken promise. And idk if you were trying to make it seem like I should have been the one to make a move but like I feel like it was up to you to do it. You knew I wanted to and said we would so. And by the time I really would have, you were telling me to go, which meant it wouldn't have worked anyways. It was just frustrating. It felt kinda like you were trying to say it was my fault.   I'm sorry if I hurt your feelings. I didn't mean it, you know that. But hey, I'm pretty pumped for that twins game, even if it is almost 5 months away :P it'll be super fun, I can't wait :) and congrats to us on our ASL final. Even if Minnesota sports failed us, we still rocked :) 

I couldn't sleep without getting things off my chest so here it all was. 

Change

Yeah tonight it's harder

Better

I'm doing a lot better than I thought I would be. It hasn't been too hard of an adjustment yet

Late Night Thoughts

Is there a chance it will ever be just me?

...I hate that I question some of the things I do. But I can't unthink things. My mind keeps going. 

I can't tell if I blindly trust too much 

I give everyone the benefit of doubt and want to see the best in everyone and sometimes I wonder if those things end up coming around to bite me in the ass. 

I don't know if I can stop myself. 

It's in God's hands. He has a plan. I can put trust in that. There's a reason for everything 

Sometimes I don't know if I actually miss you or if I just think that I should. Don't get me wrong, sometimes I miss you with all of my being, I just have a lovely tendency of second guessing myself

Composure is key 

Where is the tipping point 

I also love with my entire being. I throw myself into it

Sometime I wonder if I actually get over things quickly or I just subconsciously mask them up and push them out of my mind to avoid them

Just me

Sometimes I feel like I'm an astronaut. Sometimes I wish I was an astronaut

I want to be a fun person, happy and full of life. Excited and funny and silly. I want to make people smile

Even if sometime is bothering me and I'm sad, I am glad that I am still able to allow myself to be happy in the moment and have fun. Even if I later return to sad (not unlike today) at least I made the most of the moment and allowed myself to be happy

I know that you can't hear me but baby I need you to save me tonight

Honesty

I don't care how much the truth may hurt, I just want people to be honest with me. That's how trust and respect are built. I always deserve the truth. I just want honesty

Strong

I am proud that I'm so strong and resilient and don't let myself give up. Because if I wasn't like this... I don't know that I would still be here. 

Crash

It's been a hard fucking day. 

And maybe you were just busy and that's why you couldn't be there for me, and I understand that. But you have to tell me that otherwise I don't know. Literally, all I could have used was a long hug or like an actually conversation. One where it actually seemed like you wanted to talk to me and responded with more than just "yea" like 75% of the time. 

And I'm not saying it's your fault that I'm not happy. I've got my reasons, I just needed some support or help or actual interaction. I'm not blaming my crappy day on you. I'm just wishing things could have gone differently. 

I feel so alone. Not just lonely... But actually alone.

It's been hard. But hopefully tomorrow will be better. Who knows, maybe tomorrow will be great. Never know what's right around the corner, never know when the storm is going to break.

But right now it all hurts. 

She's singing baby come home in a melody of tears while the rhythm of the rain keeps time 

Hard

I haven't cried this hard in a long time...

It's coming

...I'm actually going to miss you so much when you move out. I've loved being able to have lunch with you all the time and being able to hug goodnight most days, among the other little things. It's going to be really different and I'm not looking forward to it. At all.

Lyrical masterpiece

She's singing baby come home in a melody of tears while the rhythm of the rain kept time

Here

Don't panic, no not yet

Dramatic Prose

Welcome to my life

The daily roller coaster 

Never stopping 

Never pausing 

Up and down 

Up and down

11:11

I wish it could be just you and I. ...Maybe someday..?

Good

I'm gonna say this now, just in case I don't in the morning, even though I probably will at some point. You know what Renee told me? She asked me if you and I were together again yet. Like she genuinely seemed to have a "why aren't you guys together" attitude. She said that you and I are really good together, pretty much word for word. So yeah.

P.S. I saw you looking at this tonight. 

I'm literally praying that you are okay. 

Song

Fourth of July - Fall Out Boy. 

Probably my favorite song right now

+

All the while, who would have thought on November 21, 2009 that we would have made it this far. It's truly amazing. All the ups and downs and growing up and I've loved you entirely the whole time 

Gets

I guess the part that really gets me is that you talked to me about living with you for a while first and then this. That's the biggest punch to the gut. Why can't that be me? Like I thought we were actually getting closer and you talking about that with me felt like a good step forward. It was a future that for a moment we both were thinking about and wanted. And then it was torn away. And like I still love you and want that and feel great when we are together but... Idk what I mean to you. Because when we are together and even just hanging out, like today, it's great, it feels great and I think to myself that I would actually really want to live with just you. But like what are you thinking? Because saying that you want me to occasionally crash with you after you've lived with Sena for the summer really makes me feel second rate and I guess I wonder if I am a second choice to you. I do understand that you want to live alone so you wouldn't want to go right from living with her to living with me but it feels like you are picking her over me. And in a completely unbiased way, don't you think living with you for a while and then moving away to college and thus not living with you anymore and being a ways away from home would make it harder for her? Ugh, I thought we were actually making a good progressive step forward. And I was so ready for it. And now I don't know where we stand. I know you said to not over think it but I'm just trying to understand and be okay with it because I need to. I need to say how I feel. I have to be honest and expressive. I don't hide anything from you.  Sometimes I can't help but feel like we are edging towards a tipping point. 

P.S. I can hear you snoring below me and it's actually kinda cute. 

Oh

It breaks my heart. 

It hurts. 

Help?

I don't expect it to help, but it was really hard to keep it from you. I was itching to say something. Which leads to the question of why didn't I. I was busy, you were busy. At that point, I didn't want to do it over text either. In person is always so much better. But I can't keep things from you. I tell you everything. I won't lie

When morning comes

I really hope things are at least a little better tomorrow. I really hope I didn't completely fuck those thoughts up. It was great to hear you had been thinking them... I had been thinking a bit about living with you next year too. Enough that I was going to probably ask you soon about what you would think about that. I know this is a pretty big deal and can't just be brushed aside. I just want to bring up that night you threw up. You lied to me and said you were okay and didn't puke. I'm sure you just didn't want me worrying about you. You ended up telling me the truth. I don't think that this is so different from that. I mean I would say my lie was worse but I didn't want you worrying about me and I told you the truth. ...I'm even more sure than before that you are what I want. I don't even want to think about what would happen to me if I just wrecked everything. I just need to try to stay positive that we will get through this. I believe we can, but it up to you, not me. We are so much stronger than one stupid, good intentioned but still stupid, poorly timed lie. You mean so much to me. ...maybe we can go back to being great soonish, once this has been processed. I could be great with us now but it up to you. Find out more in the morning once things have settled in more. 

Pure hell.

This was actually the day from hell. First I got punished for expressing my emotions and then I was destroyed for simply trying to politely communicate an issue and frustration so that it wouldn't happen again. It fucking tore me up inside. I don't want to deal with tomorrow. I don't want to

vd

I should have bought myself flowers haha...

Crazy day

I don't just start off assuming it has to do with me. I need a reason to think that before I ever do. Your un-interested texts came across as something was wrong. So I asked if you were okay, which to me is almost synonymous to "what's bothering you". You said you were okay so I was like okay it's probably not something else. So I asked if you were holding your tongue, pertaining to our conversation. And you said maybe. Which was as close to a confirmation as I had gotten so I followed that. I asked you to tell me. I wanted you to tell me. Something I said had caused something in you and you wouldn't say anything about it. So I went back to our conversation, not knowing that's what it was and wasn't at the same time. I figured you had a hurtful opinion that you were holding in because honestly that's usually what you are holding back. And then I tried letting you know that I wanted to stop whatever it was, but I couldn't if you wouldn't tell me what it was. And you said you know so I took that as further confirmation that it was something about me. And then I tried saying it's done, it's in the past, let's move on. And then you said maybe it has absolutely 0% to do with me. So I thought it wasn't about me but then right after you said that it still wasn't confirmed that it wasn't me. So then I really didn't know what to think since you had more or less told me it was simultaneously both me and not me. That was the worst part. It felt like you were playing mind games with me. I felt trapped. You seemed mad at me for assuming it was about me, even though you had said things to make me think it was in fact. And then after the fact you finally told me what it was. Which ended up being me talking about something that then made you feel down about your own situation. And you still had told me to not just assume it's always about me. I fucking know that. But when you say maybe it's me and don't confirm that it's not me, what else am I supposed to think. You plant the seeds. I tried getting you to tell me. I tried in the beginning with asking if you were alright. I tried ending the whole situation. I tried so hard. I couldn't win. I told you why I would assume it's me, my reasons and everything, and you still ended up telling me not everything involves me. All this over me just thinking aloud. I wish you would have just said something about what it was in the beginning. I was clearly rambling. You could have just been like ya I'm bummed I'm not getting one and I would have stopped. Didn't matter to me to keep talking about it or not but I had no idea. I tried to have you tell me so I could have stopped. But oh well I guess. I just wish we could have communicated better. It would have solved everything if I could have just known it was me or not. I don't know why you were so stubborn about it. The back and forth. I feel bad about what I did but ugh. I would have stopped. Oh well. Done with now 

But I try

I try to improve myself. I do. I try not to take things personally and not get into dumb things. It's hard though. Changing a way of thinking is hard. Sometimes I feel like a train wreck. One car falls off the tracks and soon half a dozen others have followed it's path. Sometimes I put salt in my own wounds. I can be hard on myself to the point of almost being damaging. And I still haven't been able to control myself. It's hard. It's all just hard. It's hard that it's hard. But I do try. It's not fun to get upset about things. 

Lotto

I couldn't go to bed without first writing about what I would do if I won the lottery. If I suddenly won hundreds of millions of dollars. First off would be to pay off my car, my loans, and any other bills I have going. But even that would be pocket change in comparison to the massive sum of money I would have. I would probably treat everyone to a vacation to Hawaii. Gotta stay in the States because we would be going before passports could be taken care of. I mean honestly, I don't know if I would quit hyvee or not. Obviously I wouldn't need the money but I really do like my little hyvee family. It would be weird to just leave it. I would probably finish out the semester at msu and then who knows. My summer would probably include a lot of time outside of Minnesota. I would travel so much. Surprise surprise right :P I would also do things though. Like fly out to Boston to watch a baseball game. Just for the hell of it. Just because I could. Go to a concert in some awesome city. Take us back to charleston. Go back to nyc. Finally visit the west coast. Buy a really nice house. Go back to the mountains. Go back to the beach. I would do things with my money as much as possible. Do things that I otherwise wouldn't necessarily be able to afford. I would help fund projects that I believe in too. Give back to the community. Maybe not a lot, but if there's something I really want funded, I would step up and see to it that it happens. I don't even know what all you could even do with that much money. It's almost impossible to even imagine. Perhaps I would open franchises. Invest my money. Oh my gosh I could build my own pottery studio. That would be amazing. I would also buy a really nice camera so that when I travel, I could document it all. Pictures to last instead of just memories to fade. 

sap

I can't imagine my life any other way. 

Playing pool with you between classes was another one of those "so this is college, this is what it feels like" moments. It was awesome. Not to mention the fact that I had a really good time with you. Some of the best pool I've ever played :P we should definitely do it again :)

I'm also seriously so happy for you. About getting your job back, yes, but also for just everything you've got going on right now. Flying is also another big part of it. But seriously, I even love just talking to you about it. You light up and speak with such passion. It's great to watch and experience. I also take interest in it all because of how much it means to you. I want to learn about what exactly it is that you like so much and what you're learning and all that. I genuinely want to hear about it. I can't wait for the day you first take me flying. 

Winter

But hey, on a positive note, I'm starting to wonder why winter was ever such an issue. I've learned to embrace the season 

//

I'd be lying if I said my head and heart were on the same side all the time. I get torn sometimes. As if the first statement didn't clarify that enough. 

Good

We have been so good the past week. Aside from some miscommunication, it's been really good. I've loved it