Scream

I just want to scream. And cry. What's going on. Why can't we just go back to being super best friends again? This last week had sucked. I wish I could take back last Saturday. God fucking damn it. I always mess things up. :'(

Here we go

So today someone asked me why we broke up. Seems a bit late to just now be asking but he went away for quite a while. Anyways, I didn't really know how to answer that. I ended up just saying it wasn't working and we fought a lot. But I don't really know what the answer is. I haven't ever been told what the for sure reason(s) were. And I've just been thinking. What happened to us? I mean seriously, how did we get to this point. I'm the type of person that needs answers. I just want to know why. 

... I don't go around wishing bad for you with your relationship. Did you know that? I'm honestly happy for you. I'm sure she's great. 

I think my hope for us again in the future is slowing drifting away. There is no chance for the near future or even the semi near future. But I guess that was what you said all along. That our best chance would be after high school. I just didn't want to settle for that. And back in April, around when we went on our date, I was starting to see us fall back in place. But that was a long time ago. I've really come to accept that I am going to be single all senior year. But then we will get to college and there will be a lot more guys to choose from. You guys were concerned about what about when you bring home girls. But ya know I'm allowed to bring home guys too. Unless things change, I can't wait to get out there in college and bring home guys. I mean I still would love it if we were together then but we don't all get what we want. I mean, I dunno. For now, this is how things are. Hopefully we are still super best friends. Not really sure right now but I really want us to be. Things will get interesting if you and Sena break up. That would be when things could start to change again. But I dunno I think we have proven that there is still something they're between us. There always will be. We were each other's first love. And that is strong. But love in general is strong. And I'm not stupid. I'm sure you love Sena. It will just come down to if in the end, you are with your first, second, or even someone else. Life's a long and winding ride. And if it's you and her in the end, at least it will give me hope that there is someone else out there for me too. It'll just be a matter of finding him. But for now, that is all up in the air. And honestly, I think I am doing okay by myself. 

So I really don't know if that made you guys proud of me or if it just made me look pathetic. 

I am so ready for us to just hash out this thing about last Saturday. I'm sure once we do, there is the possibility that you will need time again to cool off and such. But it also could make things totally better. I don't care if it will hurt, I just need to know. And T is good now so if I have to, I can lean on her. But I am strong. You were even the one that said I am stronger than anyone gives me credit for. So just lay it on me. Please

Figuring

I would think that if it was just anger, you would be over it and we would be past it by now. Anger is short lived. So that leads me to wonder if you are hurt? Or disappointed? Those feelings linger longer. That would explain why this is taking more time than I thought. But then again, I have no fucking idea what is going on. 

I kept seeing you today. And it honestly sucks. I just hang my head. Because my other options are looking at you and you look back with a not nice face or you don't look at me and I hurt. Just looking at you reminds me of what is going on and that hurts too. And part of it is also shame. I'm hanging my head in shame. I don't know why because I don't know why you are upset, but I feel shame. 

I just want to share my life with you again. 

Usbdkvs

I guess I just thought we would be talking and maybe even back to normal by now. 

Needs

I'm conflicted. Because I know you need space. But I need answers. 

WHAT DID I DO :'(

Nsjdf

I really wish you would talk to me. Every time you clearly avoid me, it really hurts. Especially since I don't even know what I did. And I can't talk about this with Taya anymore. She already has enough stress.  Just ugh. Waiting for you is all I can do and i don't even know. How much longer will this go on... I really wanted to hang out this weekend... I hate this. 

I just want to cry. 

...

Ugh ugh ugh ugh ugh ugh ugh ugh ugh ugh ugh ugh ugh ugh ugh ugh ugh ugh

is this the end

I'm getting the ultimate cold shoulder and I don't even know why. This isn't fair. I keep raking my brain for what could have possibly been so bad that I deserve this. I dunno. I just want my super best friend back. But all I can do is wait and see if I get a text.

news

I'm officially accepted into MSU :)
I wish I could even just share that with you.

this is hard. not talking to you is hard.

Morning

I'm sad. Even just a text saying you aren't quite ready yet would be nice. Because you hardly seem real right now and it sucks. I even wore my lucky penguins. Can we please just move on and be past this and be super best friends again? I really want to just talk to you. I miss you

What did I do

Like seriously... What did I do that was so bad that you won't talk to me for a couple days? This always really scares me. I get really afraid that this will be it, the end of us and being friends and talking. And then you weren't at school today and so it really seemed like you disappeared. Like poof, you're gone. I don't like it. And I keep trying to figure out what pissed you off so much. Everyone else is fine with it. Why are you reacting so strongly? I mean yeah, ok, it wasn't very smart to get really drunk there with all them boys, but I had my best friend there and I knew she would take care of me. And she did. And now I know what not to do next time. I know how to be smarter about it. ....is this going to be the end of our friendship? I'm really scared right now.

I need you back.

so I know last night was pretty bad. I got pretty bad. But I was just having a good time. I mean, yeah, I probably had more than I should have. But nothing bad happened. I don't want to get that bad again any time soon but I had fun for a while and I think I needed that. I really don't get why you are so mad at me. And if you lost respect for me... why? What did I do that was so bad? It's not like I do that every weekend. It was my first time. From what I remember and what I have heard, I was actually pretty fun and funny. Like I said, I don't want to get that bad again but at least I didn't do anything really crazy like streak or have sex or smoke weed. And if it really pissed you off that much, why didn't you try and stop me? Just saying. And really, do you even have the right to get mad at me for drinking? Obviously we aren't dating. None of my other friends had a problem with it. You don't get pissed at any of your other friends for getting drunk. What makes me different? I'm sorry if I did anything to you personally. Really, if there is anything I did to you, I'm sorry for it. But I'm not going to apologize for getting drunk. That was my choice and honestly doesn't have anything to do with you. Are you upset I was all over Josh? Why? Wouldn't you rather it be him than Troy or Brennan? Josh was being nice to me and supporting me and I knew I could trust him a lot more than most of the other guys there. Even drunk, I knew to stay away from Brennan and keep my clothes on and not do really stupid shit. So why does anything have to be different now? I'm sorry if I was a bitch in this. Can we please just be super best friends again? I've missed you today. I was really looking forward to us making more progress. I love you