wonder

I really wonder what goes on inside of his head. I really wonder what he thinks about everything, about him and I. Because yeah. The past like week has been really good for us, at least I think so. It feels like we have gotten closer again. We are really talking. And it is really great. But there's still that someday thing

ready

"I miss you too, but..I'm just not ready"
That is what I am dealing with now. And it's almost the weekend again. Weekends are always interesting. Aaaand then spring break is next week so that means no school... I hope I get to see him a few times, maybe alone, but yeah I shouldn't get my hopes up.
But another bright side, the past couple days has been good as far as us talking

H.B.

So Happy Birthday to you Z :) It's been a crazy year hasn't it? I still remember a year ago when it was raining and we went to St. Peter and went to that one park I love :) That was really special. I just I don't know I've been in this weird mood all day. I can't really identify what it is either. But I think I've told you I love you several times now... I just feel like telling you today. You never know when your last day will be. I want to make today count. And I wish I could see you today and I'm gonna be honest, it kinda sucks that you asked L to prom today but ya. Can't change it. Gotta accept it. And move on from it. And I think I am doing that. I dunno. I'm strange. It's like been a constant bittersweet thing the past day er so. Like I am happy yet I miss you. Lovely. I guess... I have kinda felt closer to you again these past few days... And I really like it. I mean it's still "a ways" away but some day... right? I'm just thinking... like... I'd be a great girlfriend now... I promise... I wouldn't get mad at all the stupid shit... I'd be accepting.... I'd do my best to be the best for you... I'd be really happy and we would be really happy... I'm out of my funk... I think I see the wrongs I did and will do my best not to do them again.... the sad thing is... I know you don't look at this... and I don't know if I have the balls to actually say all of this too you.... because rejection hurts...

erm

so that was an interesting weekend. Friday night I ended up talking with A for a while and then we hung out with N too. So that was interesting. I learned that Z has done stuff with someone else... more than once... but.... like it must not mean that much if he's still ya know doing stuff with me and telling me he loves me and all that. Soooo yeah I'm not sure what to think of that. Like obviously I have no right to get mad... and I'm not mad.... Like he has every right to... I guess maybe it just hurts a little. But oh well. Then Saturday was crazy busy! From like 10:30 to 2:45 I was with my family, including some family that had come up from Iowa. That was actually pretty fun! I dominated at mini golf too. Thennn after that I went and hung out with Z for a while... and we went all the way... That was fun and it really is a good stress reliever. And I do not regret it. I would do it again. I got there and he was laying in bed and I didn't really know what to do so I sat next to him and poked him and then he grabbed me and pulled me close. And then afterwards we were laying there being playful and cuddling a lot and such. Which I love doing. That was great. Honestly, I felt really loved. And I get that it doesn't change anything now, but hopefully some day, us being able to be like that, be us, will help change things. And after that I hung out with T for a while and then N too and then Z joined us too. So we all hung out. And then C came and C and T left and then N left and it was just me and Z for a little bit. We pretty much just cuddled together in a chair. It was kinda like we were dating again and I loved it. And I don't regret it. Like I am actually doing pretty good since then. He still makes me happy.