When the city goes silent, the ringing in my ears gets violent

I miss having school with you. And playing pool between classes and taking tests together and getting food after night class. You were just a nice ray of sunshine. 

You're also by far my favorite person to drink with. It just... Isn't nearly as fun when you aren't there to flirt with and share drinks. So no worries about me drinking too much now. At least until I'm actually 21. Then who knows

There's just a list of things that were better with you 

And I dunno, you're really the only one I can be fully vulnerable with. Like most people in my life have no idea what I'm actually going through. I keep up the happy girl vibe that I hope I give off. And that's probably why you keep getting too many double texts and missing yous and random snaps and such. Because come on, you're one of my very best friends. So I'm honest and open with you, sometimes painstakingly so. 

I really am trying. But it's gotta be all about the baby steps with me. And I mean it hasn't even been a week. 

And I'm not really sure why, but I've quite frankly almost become like passionate about you and flying. Like I want that so bad for you. Because obviously I still just want you to be happy. I just want myself to be happy too. But otherwise, I just seem to really want that for you, for you to be able to fufill your dream. Because you deserve it. 

I hope to see you soon. 

Sending SOS from this tiny box

The past couple days have been better. I haven't returned to my fully normal self yet, but hey, progress. I've been mostly fine but then I have a nightly breakdown. So it's all definitely still affecting me. I'm just really pretty good at acting like everything is good. Literally had this convo with Shawn at work. Apparently the other cs girl got idk dumped by this guy she was like seeing but not dating and he is married. And so she was literally balling at work yesterday, so he says at least. Like at least I've learned to drop my life at the door and be a good employee. Even when I'm internally down, when people ask me how I am at work, I still joyfully say I'm good. And those are always the moments where it kinda hits me, I realize I've lied and I'm not really good. But it's work. It's cs. I have to be that helpful smile and I've gotten damn good at perfecting my customer personality. Because there's a difference. We talk about having a customer voice, well I think a customer personality is a thing too. And I dunno, it is kinda nice to kinda be known for always being upbeat and such. 

So I'm mostly fine. And then I go to shower before bed and the tears come. It's still not so bad, just a good release of emotions. 

I appreciate you still being my friend. 

We both know we ain't kids no more

Okay okay. So I think I'm finally coming to the realization and acceptance that this is going to have to be something that I throw out into the universe and let things happen and see if we come back together. It's really out of my hands. You've made it clear I can't change your mind. So I just have to trust that things will be okay, whatever that means for me. I guess in a way I should just be glad that you still want to be friends with me. Completely losing you would be unbearable entirely. Be proud that I've already come this far. 

It's always the hard times that I lean back onto faith. And like I kinda feel bad, like you should celebrate your faith all the time, not just when you're in trouble. But here I am, turning to God and trusting He's got everything under control. Because what else can I do? I find a lot more strength in knowing He has a plan. God only gives us what we can handle. And everything happens for a reason. So while His plan isn't often clear while it's happening, when it comes time to look back on this, hopefully it will make more sense. 

Ya know, I go back and forth between being fine for quite a while and then being not fine. And like our minds like to play tricks on us so it makes me wonder, am I actually fine? Or am I not dealing with my emotions as I should, as if my brain is ignoring it, pretending it didn't happen to save the hurt. I guess to keep from going crazy, I have to tell myself you can be happy even when you are sad. If that makes sense? Rays of sunshine in the storm.  You were my ray of sunshine on cloudy days. 

When you're sad, it's hard to not keep looking back on happy moments and holding onto them tight. 

I still remember the first sleepover we had. That's the one that keeps coming to mind this evening 

You feel so low that you can't feel anything at all

There keeps being ups and downs. Like my last post was the good before the storm I guess you could say. We were good and having a nice convo and then it went back to us. Okay sure, I'm afraid of being alone and losing you because I thought you and I were it. I'm scared you were the one for me and I'll never love again. Say what you want but there's still something there that's worth exploring. I just don't get how things went so far downhill so fast. We were literally so good not that long ago. Don't try to convince yourself that it's time to just cut us off. Don't let space and being busy get in the way. We have been good and we have loved in the moment. It's not just residual feelings from long ago. 

This morning has been rough. I hope I don't feel like this for long. Because I am showing straight up signs of depression. Loss of appetite, loss of interest in things I previously really enjoyed, loss of motivation, feeling empty. There's a difference between situational depression from reacting to something and then actually being long term depressed. And I am 100% not saying this to make you feel bad. No no. I'm saying this because I feel like my best friends can know about it. Because I'm scared of feeling like this. It's awful. It sucks the joy right out of living. But don't worry, I'm going to keep pushing through it. I just wish it was easier. That emotions really did work on a switch. 

Get the butterflies like we still got our innocence

You know how feeling warm and fuzzy inside is a thing? Well I think the opposite is true. A cold icy feeling right in the center of my chest. 

I feel like I have things to say but then my mind goes blank and the words don't come. It's actually almost like my brain stops me from thinking about it. Because I can talk about other things just fine. And I've really enjoyed talking about other things. I dunno, if anything, this has made me want to talk about things now, not to save them for a different day. It's been dumb of me to just have small talk when I have other things I could say, we could have had actual conversations. About things that matter more than talking just to talk. Maybe that's part of where things went wrong. A lot of it got to be just talking to talk. Which I mean is nice but there isn't much connection there. 

I quite enjoy talking things through with myself haha. I figure things out and make sense of things.

Where did it go wrong

Days when it's too cloudy to see the sunset suck. Missing out on so much beauty

Sleeping space

Soo maybe not the most appropriate thing to do right now but I think you're sleeping and don't need to be assaulted with messages so here I am. 

Okay so honestly, I was just asking because I was just wondering. I didn't mean you had to read this right away, just wondering if you still look at it once in a while. But it was probably dumb to not think you'd read it. I'm sorry, that wasn't my intention. Things get pretty emotional here and I probably say things I shouldn't some times. So like what upset you? I'm dying to find out what it was. Because yeah. I'm sorry

Also, what was the purpose of sending me a snap at like 2:45 in the morning saying you are still up? I had long since been asleep. So like why? Wanting to talk? Wanting to rub it in my face? Trying to make a point? I dunno. 

So I hope you wake up soon so we can figure this all out. 

Funny, there you are now. Great timing haha :P

But he's a headin west

Well today was definitely better than yesterday. Very minimal crying today. The impact and shock is always the worst part. But then questions get answered and you can start to come to terms with things. Don't get me wrong, it still sucks, a lot. But I'll get through it, I always do. 

I just still can't help but think that the feelings haven't gone away, you've just shoved them to the back of your mind and ignored them. Feelings don't just go away in a couple weeks. And I feel like feelings are the most real when you're actually with the person and we haven't had a lot of that lately. Which has to be a contributing factor. And i guess correct me if I'm wrong, which you haven't yet, but things had been good when we were together. Brief, but workable. Feelings were still there. So it would have been great to get a real chance there. To spend quality time together and be connected. Because we had mostly just been having lunch together, a couple hours max. Which wasn't ideal at all but it was doable. 

And whether you believe this or not, I do get wanting to give someone an honest chance. I get it, and I get that I'd be in the way of that. So I think it was easier for your brain to convince you the feelings just went away. But after like 6 years of not really being able to stay away from each other, how can a couple weeks change that? 

And sure, maybe this time will be different, but I have gotten this we're just friends speech before. And yes it was taken seriously for a while but it didn't last. So no offense, but how am I supposed to think this time will be different? Maybe you'll stick to it for quite a while but I believe in our love and that it'll come back around. Stifling feelings is never a good thing. They always come out in some way, sooner or later. 

And you said we could have an honest chance after this. And how can someone with no feelings say that? I don't think they can. Ik I've told you already but we really deserve an honest chance of our own. There's gotta be a reason we have been kinda us for so long. So I think it could go really great. I do think we would be great. And if we aren't, at least there would be closure. At least we would have given us a real chance. 

And seriously, I'm not trying to wait around. I just haven't found anyone else I would want to be with. Which does also suck