Morning

Waking up next to you is one of the best things 

Semester end

Communication is so important. That's why the other night when you got super pissed, I went straight down to you so we could talk it out. That was the best way to handle it, I think. It all ended well so it was a good decision. So then tonight I tried literally just expressing my feelings to you. Literally all I wanted was to say what I was feeling and why and then move on. It didn't even really need to be talked about, I just needed to vent to you so I wouldn't do it behind your back. And it still got messed up somehow and that sucks. I was trying to do what you told me to do and it kinda got spat back in my face. I'm just saying, it sucked a lot. Makes me feel like I can't win, that no matter what I do, I will mess up. Messing up is exactly what I was trying to avoid. 

Hey, we made it through our first college finals week. Yay for us. And I managed to get a spot in the class I really wanted tonight and that makes me happy. I had to drop a different class to do it, but that's okay. The dropped class was one that I was doing literally just out of curiosity, it didn't even count towards any goal areas. I'm a little nervous that I'm gonna have a hard semester but oh well, I'm getting all but 1 goal area done I think, I'm doing a writing intensive, I'm trying out an online class, and 2 classes count specifically towards my major/minor.  Sounds really productive to me. Oh and seriously, I'm pretty excited for sign language with you. I'm so happy you decided to take it with me :) I think it'll be fun

Definitely really excited for this month off of school! It'll be nice to have a bunch of free time. Hopefully I can finish this painting I started. I'm excited for it. I really like the concept of it and so far I'm happy with the execution. Yay for my fan brush! :P

Late night

God damn it I can't sleep. And everything is giving me feelings. The look through old texts feelings. The missing things feelings. The needing a hug and wanting to talk feelings. All the feelings I usually push away to be happy in the moment. It's kinda crushing. I want a compliment and a goodnight text. I hate being needy. But sometimes I am a little bit. Idk, I wouldn't say I'm unhappy right now, but I'm just remembering all the times I was really happy. And obviously I want that. Idk. I'm still wanting us. 

Sparkle

This might sound kinda sappy or whatever, but I love it when you have that sparkle in your eyes when you're talking to me. It's such a beautiful thing and I hope I sparkle back. 

As much as you can mess up, you also can be quite great. Don't forget your greatness. 

Little day

There are just some days where we are both busy and we hardly see each other, if at all really, but I really love just sitting and talking to each other about our days. Maybe I'm weird, but I really enjoy sharing that stuff with each other. I mean there are things that I can't wait to tell you about and just it's nice to share your day with someone that cares. I dunno, it's the little things that mean the most 

Oh ya know(:

You know, things have been good for a while now. That makes me quite happy :)

Oooff

My soul gets so restless sometimes. It genuinely baffles me that our whole lives are centered around pieces of paper called money. I would be on cloud nine if I could just travel and do whatever, without worrying about money. I wouldn't have to be spending thousands on an education to get a job so I can pay off the debt for the education. I'm sure I'll find something I like, but want to be able to do what I love without being concerned about making financial ends meet. I could be in Colorado right now. I bet the mountains are gorgeous right now. Not that they aren't all the time, but still. I need to get my tattoo. 

Chemical

I have this pattern of being self destructive. It's not necessarily often, but a pattern none the less. And every time I can see it happening. But I never know how to stop it.

Usually it's in the form of a habit of wanting to know things that end up hurting me. I just like knowing my position, even if the truth hurts. But maybe I need to get over that compulsion. 

Welcome to the chemical imbalance inside my brain. 

Tomorrow morning will probably be an emotion reset and I'll be okay. There's a level of resilience that I possess that I love. 

Because as much as losing sucked to hear, 2nd place is a hell of a lot better than what could have been. 

Part of it comes from my desire to constantly better myself. In this case, I do want to be the best, but I don't feel like I need to always be the best, be number one. I just want to be better tomorrow than I was today.

And now I'm okay. I can get better. Improvement is possible, achievable, probable. 

Look up

I feel like that argument turned talk helped open up better lines of communication with us. That will be a good thing. 

I'm just a little lonely and sad tonight. Sorry if I sounded needy but sometimes I just really want some affection. 

Burn bright

Autumn is the adjustment season. It's breathtaking and gone just like that. The colors of autumn burn bright, just before they lose it all. They become so brilliant and then in a short short time, they are gone. So fleeting. Just comparing that to life. I dunno all the change must have me taken back. It's hard to explain. And it sucks that you just shut me down when I want to talk about something like this. Which really sucks and isn't fair. Emotionally, I had been pretty darn good for quite a while. But that seems to be slipping lately. It almost seems like my soul is restless. If that makes sense? I just want to go out and see the country and do whatever I want and I wish money didn't have to hold me back from that stuff. I just want to wander for a while. Like I said, hard to explain. 

Soo

I think life can be summed up decently in 2 words. Beauty and pain. 

Twist

Sometimes I really wonder if I'm actually okay or if I've just got a really good surface happy and I'm actually broken on the inside. Because I really am usually in a good place and happy and accepting and such. But then sometimes I just feel broken. And I can't tell if it's a crack in my surface or just a feeling that comes and goes. As per usual, this is probably overthinking things but I feel like when it's yourself and your well being, there is no such thing as over thinking. I just don't know if down the road I'm going to keep being alright, getting better even, or if I'll just break and be broken and not know what to do. I mean I think I'm fine, but there's a big difference between that and knowing I'm fine. And I don't think there's a for sure way to go about knowing that. The future is still up for grabs. I don't think I have a single thing that is for sure about my future and that is both terrifying and exhilarating. Because who knows where I'll even be in say 4 years. Post college, who knows. It'll depend on what is left to keep me grounded here. I mean it would suck to leave the town that is my home, the one I've known and loved for so long. But I love seeing the rest of the country too and could see myself moving some place awesome. It's conflicting because if there's nothing, more correctly, no one, keeping me here, I could see myself leaving. But I can also see myself not wanting to brave a new city alone and wanting a companion. 11:11 right now and I wish for good things and clarity. Did I mention that I have a fear of being alone? Of not finding/having someone to spend my life with? And I know futures in general arent for certain, but I feel like I don't have any plan what so ever. I don't have a career path, much less a 5 year plan. And right now, I'm actually not freaking out about that. I've got time. Pieces will begin to fall into place until I have my dream job, a photo book full of my numerous adventures, and a cute family of my own. Those are basically the goals as of right now. ...I feel like the one thing we don't talk much about recently is the future. What you see, what I see, what you want, what I want. Maybe we could sometime  

Long

Long talks like that are the best. I love them so much :) kinda makes me feel really close to you and I love how I'm comfortable enough to talk about anything and everything with you 

Nostalgia

Not really sure why, but I'm really nostalgic right now. Maybe the heavy onset of fall has got it going. But like damn time goes by fast. It's crazy how long and strong memories will stick too. Crazy to think how far we've come

Sudden

And suddenly everything was okay again. Thank you. Doing homework with you was actually pretty fun :) 

Cop

And now in the light and clarity of morning and a sober mind, I've calmed down a lot. Still pissed that someone did that to my car, but the anger has dulled dramatically. Part of my mood last night also stemmed from freaking out about how much this was going to cost. I've never had to like deal with damage to my car and whether to go through insurance or not. Holly is my baby. It's sounding like I could possibly just get a whole new hood from an auto salvage place for $245 and my deductible is $250 soo. I'll go get an estimate or two from body shops to see how much repairing it would be but it's sounding like I probably won't go through insurance so that my rate doesn't get jacked up. Especially since it literally just went down since I turned 19. And while shelling out a few hundred bucks will suck ass, financially I'll be alright. Things definitely could have been a lot worse. It's just a shitty thing to happen to anyone really. But it'll be fine, Holly will be okay, I'm okay. Again, I'm sorry for freaking out. I really want a hug but ik you more than likely don't and that's understandable and I won't force you to. If you're willing to move past this tonight to do homework together, I definitely am. Offer still stands. I have a terrible tendency to over react and be over emotional and I never realize it til after the fact. Offer for a hug later still stands too, but only if you want too. 

WNE

Looking back at the texts now, I have a lot of regret. I was so heated and definitely took it out on you over nothing and I'm sorry. I just don't know how to like cope with this. Like I just don't know how to react and move forward and my only idea was to find solace and comfort in you. Which probably wasn't fair but I literally wanted maybe 5 minutes. I just went about it all wrong. I over reacted. Big time. I don't usually get like this. I don't usually have a bad temper but tonight it came out. It was just a build up of shitty things and my brain just couldn't handle it anymore. Like I said, Alex slapped my ass and bit my finger and made it bleed and then nick slapped my ass twice in the same spot so hard that I literally cried from the pain. And it sucked cuz no one could like talk sense in them to stop. So I already felt helpless and honestly worthless and such from that. And I really just wanted to be playful with you but you were hiding away. And I'm literally not blaming you at all or trying to make excuses, I just want you to know the lead up of everything. So wanting a hug wasn't even just from my car, it was from all that too. But seriously, I see now that I was being really abrasive and I shouldn't have been. It was an over reaction and I just hope you forgive me in the morning. And I do feel bad for texting you after saying night but it's really hard for me to just like stop talking when I have so much to say. And I don't mean to like make you sacrifice. I didn't realize. So I'm sorry for that too. It just like didn't register to me that it was. Basically I'm selfish about stuff like that. I really do feel bad and it sucks because I don't know if things will be better in the morning. Especially when morning is so close so I don't know if you'll have settled down after it. It sucks because every time I do this shit, all I do is have regrets. I wish I could handle my emotions better and I get why that's such a turn off. All I do is feel terrible about myself after stuff like this. And it gets worse when I think about how my stupidity affects you too. I'm not suicidal but nights like tonight, I don't want to wake up and deal with my life in the morning. I mean when we are good, we are great. But when shit gets fucked up, mostly by me, it's fucked up hard. I really do want to be a better person. All I can say is that I do learn from my mistakes. I really do feel like shit. Cuz you were also right about it being my choice to let it ruin my night. Albiet I think anyone would agree that was a hard thing to get over. I just bottled up the nights frustration and let it out on you. Which is never a fair thing to do but I understand, and I hope you do too, that sometimes it just happens and you don't even realize you did it til after the fact. I feel pathetic. All I can do is pray for forgiveness. And hope tomorrow is better. Really can't get much worse from here so I suppose that's a bright side hidden in the rough. 

Idk

I don't even know what to say so I just won't say anything at all. If you're going to avoid me for whatever reason, then fine. I'm tired of trying to help you feel better and/or make things better and just being pushed away. It's literally one of the worst feelings. I mean yes, I would love to hang out, talk, etc, but I'm going to wait for you to come to me. Because I don't know what to do anymore because when I try to even make normal conversation (mark tarellos tweet about possinle flurries) I don't even get a response. I don't even know why you are avoiding me which is like the worst part. Especially since we had been having a really good past like week. Then out of the blue, this. I don't know 

Benefit of doubt

I'll give you the benefit of the doubt that it's something else bothering you. But otherwise that really hurt my feelings. 

Night

I don't think I've done anything wrong towards you recently so I don't think you're pissed at me. Even though you kinda took it out on me, I'll give you the benefit of the doubt that you just didn't want to talk to anyone. Hope you are feeling better in the morning

Hell of a night

I think I hide my feelings more than anyone knows. 

Sometimes I just feel broken. 

And like I'm not good enough. 

I don't understand why you get so mad at me. Especially when my intentions were good. I wasn't trying to fuck things up at all. 

And I'm also in the worst pain since my tonsils getting removed so there's that lovely cherry to top off one of the worst days. 

Yay

I think we've had a few good days now :) let's keep it up ;) I think we are getting better adjusted to living together and dealing with each other :P I really do appreciate the little things like you saying sorry for being in a bad mood and hugs and such. And I'm definitely trying to not let unimportant things bother me too. Should be a good combo :P love you to the moon and back :P (:

High and low

Highs and lows

Everything in life is merely a pattern of highs and lows 

Ups and downs 

Every day comes with a new high and a new low

And if there's one thing we are guarenteed, it's the cycle of highs and lows

Every low has a high at the end of the tunnel

Every low turns back into a high

I'm waiting for the high 

Because this low has dragged

And I don't know what else to do

But wait for the high

Sad...

I wish that I could wake up with amnesia and forget about the stupid little things.... cuz I'm not fine at all

...

Idk if you're intentionally sending me a message but I'm definitely getting one. And it's not good and makes me feel bad/sad. I'll try to give you space. 

Status

I guess I'm not really sure what we are or where we are. It's just been really different having to get used to living together. Maybe we could go on like a date sometime..? It could just be ice cream or something but we should do something special/different soon. And hopefully you get better soon! It's been kinda sucky just witnessing you feeling poorly. Especially tonight when it seemed like, and looked like, something else was wrong too. That sucked. I wish I could help...

F up

I feel bad because it seems like every day there's something that goes bad between us. And I mean I hate it. I don't like fighting, I don't like it when one of us is mad, I don't like it when one of us is upset. I feel like I just keep fucking something up and it sucks. Believe me, I'm definitely not trying to do it on purpose. Hopefully we will have a good week now. But I still feel like crap about it. We really had a good day except for like that one thing. And I mean I could be wrong and something else is going on with you but it seemed like it was that. I knew it was kinda dumb but I also didn't think it was that big of a deal. I guess it probably didn't help that you're also sick and not feeling the best. Idk hopefully my text helps things. And our goodnight hug was seriously really great so we still have that positive note. I should really learn to just leave it at that and not text you before bed. But I could sense something might be bothering you so it's hard to not say anything at times like this. Idk. Just know that I really do feel bad. 

Adjustment

So there has definitely been a lot of adjustment and college isn't even in full swing yet. That comes tomorrow and I'm actually a lil nervous. Today was easy, I had one class and it was with Zach. Easy peasy lemon squeezy. Tomorrow I'm on my own and it's no surprise that I'm not so good with that. But yeah, I've actually kinda had a little bit of a rough time adjusting to not living at home. It's still been great though. 

I mean we've had a couple tiffs. And I mean they are upsetting but I'm willing to get past them quickly. It still sucks though. I dunno, I still don't know what you think about us and where we are at and such. Kinda really wanna know, kinda scared to ask. Cuz idk if I'll like it. But yeah

Also weird to think that in less than a month, I'll be 19. I'm getting old :P

Less than a week

Alright so seriously, where did summer go!? Move in day is SIX days away!! I feel like this summer flew by. Like actually. I feel like I hardly did anything and that sucks. Vacation really came and went all too fast. I feel like we were there for like 3 days, even though it was 6. It was a great vacation though. Beach literally every day and pool a couple times. And kayaking with my dad was awesome. It just went by so fast. And yeah, I can't believe we are now less than a week away from move in. Like a week from now, we will have all woken up in our house for the first time. That's crazy. Monday will hopefully be fun. But it sucks that we aren't all spending tonight together cuz that would have been a lot of fun. So hopefully it's good. I'm sure we will have a lovely drive :P and we gotta finally have our last roommate meeting. I dunno, it's honestly bittersweet how close move in is. Because obviously I'm really excited and it's gonna be fun and great, but I'm gonna miss my family too. It's gonna be a huge change to not see them every day. Hopefully the adjustment goes well but I guess we shall see. I'm also excited just to see what our house will look like once we have it all set up. 6 days :)

Passive aggressive

I don't think you realize how much I know. 

Update needed

So it's been a while now and I guess I'm kinda wondering where we stand now. If we are moving towards getting back together or not really. We haven't talked about any "us" stuff lately and I guess I'm just wondering what you are thinking and where you stand with things. I mean I think we could make a pretty great couple but I'm only half the relationship. When we dated before, things were generally fairly good but we had our flaws. I'd like to think we have grown and come to work on those flaws. I think it's safe to say that we really do have a solid friendship now too. Super best friends? :P I think that helps. I guess I think I could be a lot better. Which ik you've heard me say before but it's still true. I've opened my eyes up to the world more since then. I think I'm a lot better at putting things into perspective and letting the little things go. I dunno, I still think we are worth another shot.   I still remember the first time we talked, almost 5 years ago. Monday night football was among the topics. That's what you were watching. Me, I was in my room, giddy, heart pounding with excitement and anticipation. Crazy to think that was so long ago.

Resilience

So basically my attempt to, for lack of better terms, booty call you was a fail. I wasn't trying to be mysterious, I was just trying to make it more fun than let's bang :P I wanted it to be more ladylike and playful. And so this morning I was feeling a little defeated. But I think I bounced back pretty quick. There's always a chance to try again and it was a learning experience. Can't do anything about it now so may as well move forward. I like having that resilience, even if it didn't come right away. It feels good to not dwell on things. And I'm definitely comfortable enough with you to not be like ashamed of my failure. Especially when I explained the moves/lines I was trying to use on you, you seemed to appreciate my effort. :P I thought it was a decently valiant effort :P some cooperation would have been useful :P but there's always next time and now you actually realize that it could be possible that I'm booty calling you :P if we never got back up and tried again, we would never get anywhere 

Miss the beach

Being back home, I've gotten bored, lonely, sad. Life was perfect at the beach. Idk I hate being emotionally needy but sometimes I just am. Hopefully the days get better

Studies

Simultaneously excited for college but nervous of the big choices up ahead. You know I'm quite indecisive and this is by far going to be the biggest decision I make this far. So here's to hoping that I end up really liking urban studies. I think that I could, I mean it sounds cool. I'm not going to force anything, but it would be comforting to find something to do, an end goal to work towards. But it's probably going to take both first and second semester to get the exploring really going. Talking to you about it did help. You always get me to calm down about it and that's what I need. 

When you were over yesterday, I realized that there won't be many more times that we will be here. With about 3 weeks til move in, chances are we will hang out here only maybe 3 more times? That's so weird to think about. Ever since 8th grade, it's usually been either my house or yours but soon it will just be whenever at our house. I dunno, there's a lot of memories in this room. I'm curious to see how living in the same house will change the dynamics of our friendship/relationship. It's gonna be a big adjustment for all of us. Hopefully all goes well and it brings us closer. It'll definitely be interesting. We will be learning a lot about each other. Right now it seems like I know you really well and I feel like I have a decent idea of what it will be like to actually live with you but I think there will still be things that take us for surprise. Also pretty curious about how often I won't be sleeping in my room. It'll be interesting to see what kind of routines we all get into. I'm so excited; it's actually pretty close now. Summer is flying by

I'm backkk

That was the perfect first night back home. I missed you so much :P it was great, you were great. I already miss you again :P more nights like this pleaseeee because I loved it and I love you. Gah you make me feel so great and special. I can't wait until we can just go to sleep together instead of you having to leave. It's getting so close!

Feel pretty

Actually feeling a little crumby right now and wishing I was prettier. And skinnier. And yeah I don't feel like actually saying it to anyone cuz I feel like that's sucky to do but yeah. Sometimes you just feel like you aren't pretty enough. 

Shy

I feel like I've said something wrong or too much that has made you shy away from me/us. 

excitement

okay first I wanna start of by saying you were pretty great last night. That hug was probably exactly what I needed.

and now, I'm pretty excited! Not only was today day 1 of my orientation, but it was also the day we FINALLY got to find out which house is ours! Which also meant that it was officially 100% for sure that us 4 would be living together! Ahhhh! Only 36 days til move in and now I'm more excited that ever. And back to orientation, not a lot happened today but we did get the undergraduate bulletin and information on general education. And that is what has me pretty excited! There are a lot of fun, interesting classes I want to take. Stuff like beginning sign language and self defense for women :P I can't wait to pick classes tomorrow and I'm exciteddddd. MavCard and schedule tomorrow means it's gonna be a big day! I hope I get an awesome schedule

Rails

I guess I've just kinda been hopping off the rails the past few days. Not a good place to be. I think it's stress and frustration and anxiety and loneliness all weighing on me at once and it comes out all sorts of nasty. So Zach I really am sorry for snapping on you. It wasn't fair to you. I'm trying to get out of this funk and hopefully vacation starting Friday will be a good thing and won't end up being damaging. I'm hoping the gritty sand, salty water, and toasty sunshine heal the soul. :P

Past

I guess right now I'm kinda reflecting on how far I came throughout junior high and high school. I remember my anxiety. I'm so glad I was able to push past that and have everything be okay. That was a fairly dark time. Actually I have had a few dark times leading up to now. And my heart reaches out to my past self. That was so hard. I don't think it would be wrong to say I was depressed for a while. God remember when I had to go to therapy? I had actually forgotten about that til now. Which is probably a good thing. Not my best moments. But I am thankful that I was able to make it through that. I think I've gotten to a really good place. I'm happy. I can say that and I don't doubt that. Overall, I'm satisfied and happy with my life. It's sad to think that that hasn't always been the case. But I know how to make myself happy and not rely on others for my happiness. And I'm so much more easy going. I don't let little things keep me down. I almost brush things off a little too easily :P but I figure, why waste time being upset? As cheesy as that is, you seriously have the choice to be happy or not. And why wouldn't you choose happiness. I mean obviously I still get upset over things but they are here and then gone and then everything is okay again. Choose every day to be happy. I'm honestly not even sure of the last time I really cried. Asides from maybe watching or reading something. But like actually crying over something in my life. I think it's been quite a while. I remember when I hardly went more than a couple days without crying. That was terrible. But I think over the course of maturing and life and such, I've grown and become a strong woman. Cheesy, but I think it's true. I kinda feel old :P like I'll see a 16 year old and think that they are so much younger than me. I guess it depends on if you think almost 3 years is a big difference. However, I do think that it's during these couple years where we really grow into ourselves. We aren't so crazy hormonal and we seem to have a good sense of who we are now. We have matured. And I think a big part of that is letting go of caring about what other people think of you. I have a select couple people I care somewhat about but not enough to change something about me or refrain from doing something I really like. I'm just being me and I don't even know what it would be like to try to be less me? Like what? I do what I like, I wear what I like, because in the end, it's my happiness over my choices that matter, not other people's. P.S. I'll probs be breaking out a crop top here soon :P but yeah the last 6 years have been literally life changing. I'm not the same person I was going into junior high. No one is. Okay time to stop being so deep :P

adventure

Summer life has kinda just been sliding by and I'm really ready for some adventure. We should go out to the dam or 7 mile or something. I just wanna get out and adventure and have fun :P Thank goodness I'm going on vacation next week. That will be great and one big adventure. It's gonna be so great. I've been pretty happy with life lately though. Just could use a little more excitement and a shake up to the routine

fun night

so last night was actually pretty great. And I was actually basically sober the whole night. Although past like 2:30 in the morning, I get so tired I practically seem tipsy :P But I really like being able to hold each other and cuddle and even kiss when we are out like that. Everything about that is more fun when drinking is involved :P It's just fun to be like that. I like it. Especially when I'm sleepy and cold and we can sit on the couch :P Okay and Perkins was seriously awesome. I had a lot of fun when we were there, I didn't even mind only getting like 4 hours of sleep before work :P granted I took like a 3 hour nap then this afternoon. It was kinda funny that it was like 5 guys and then me, the only girl. But I honestly didn't even mind. It was cool. And not gonna lie, it was pretty funny when Troy was trying to go after Brennan and was somewhat talkin shit. It was dumb. I actually didn't even mind Brennan last night. Like at all. I think you having more of a claim on me now keeps him from trying anything with me and that is definitely nice. So thanks for that :) I dunno, Brennan can actually be fairly cool. When he's not being a drunk asshole :P And even though I got super sleepy, it's fun staying out basically all night. I'm pretty sure the sky was starting to get a little lighter when I got home. Birds were definitely starting to come out already. And what's pretty awesome is that I even told my parents that I got home at like a quarter after 4 this morning and my mom literally said that they don't really care when I come home, as long as I get home safely at some point. Also, good to know that we have to have at least 2 babies so everyone can be godparents :P Maybe we will get there. Either way, I'm waitin at least probably like 8-10 more years before I'll want to be having babies :P maybe 7, depends on where I'm at with life and if I've had enough adventures to be able to wait til the kids are old enough for us to take them on adventures too. I look forward to the point in my life where I have kids of my own. I can't wait to have little babies. I'm not at all saying I want one now, because I don't, but when I get to that point in my life, it will be great. I can't wait to buy them clothes! They will be such cutely dressed little babies. I hope they are actually cute babies too :P And then I can't wait to watch them grow up and see what they are interested. Soccer or baseball, dance or gymnastics. Whatever they want. I bet they will be awesome :) I'd like to think that I'll be a good mom. I think my parents did a pretty dang good job raising us so I hope to be like them. Part of the reason I want to wait a little longer to have kids is so that we can be financially in an okay spot to be able to support them well and let them do whatever activities they want. Now I know that you will never be truly in a perfect place in life to have kids but I really want to be settled into life. And I want to be married long enough first that we can do a lot of fun couple trips and go out on dates and just have enough alone time and adventures. Because everything changes when you have kids. Well damn that became a long tangent :P And just a long post in general. Guess I actually had a lot to say :)

first night

I like thinking about our first night in our house. Not the actually moving in part, I feel like that will be crazy. But that night, after everything has settled down and we are reasonably settled in. I'm not sure if it will feel real yet but it will for sure be great even if it seems like just a short term sleep over or something :P I dunno, I can't wait. And now there's only 50 days til move in. I'm so excited and look forward to it so much. I have a feeling that the first night will be great :) I kinda have this picture of us having pizza for dinner and then maybe watching a movie to relax and then maybe a drink :P

Dark

Second guessing everything right now. 

Fit

So as I've said, I've definitely been working on my tan this summer and now I think it's time for me to get more fit. I've been bored eating wayyy too much crap and that needs to end. With the beach in 3 weeks, it would be nice to lose a couple pounds before then. If I can. So I'm gonna try to eat healthier and work out some. Goal would be almost every day work out but that probably won't happen. I've got this dumb little star reward system for when I do workouts :P maybe it'll help me actually stick to it. You guys probably don't care much about this but I kinda figure that if I actually write it out and express it to the world, maybe I'll actually be able to do it. So yeah :P I think a longer term goal would be to get back down to closer to 120 which I haven't been in a long time. So we will see. It'll take a lot of commitment to get there

fly

It's crazy how fast summer has gone by so far. I mean, 4th of July is a week away, vacation is 3 weeks away, move in day is what, 53 days away? It's sad! June was basically the chill month of summer where not a lot was going on and it's basically over. Now there's the Fourth and orientation and vacation. And once I'm back from vacation, it'll really be time to make sure everything is coming together for move in. Gah! I'm getting so excited for vacation though! Who wouldn't love a week at the beach? It's gonna be great and I now have 5 bikinis to choose from every day :P actually, thinking about it, there will probably be 5 days of beach or pool time so I'll have a bikini of the day which may or may not include visual updates :P It'll be so fun and I'll take so many awesome beach pictures and I'm sure you guys will get lots of snapchats of the beach/bikini/pool filled week :P just keeping fingers crossed that I don't get sunburned! Or if I do, please let it be the last day there! White gurl probz :P But I've been laying out so hopefully that helps. I wanna be tan! Although I'm also hoping that I'm not 50 shades of tan line when I get back :P Oh the tanning struggle

Low

Nice to know you have no problem bringing in the low blows.

with you

I just really like spending time with you. We have a pretty good time pretty much all the time. I can't wait for move in day! It needs to be here! I hope we hang out again soon :) I guess I'm also just curious to see how the next few months go..

and now

So I have to say that with how many comments I have heard recently about y'all breaking up, I'm not that surprised that it actually happened. You seem to be alright so that's good. And now I guess we just see what happens. Definitely not expecting anything. But it will definitely make moving in more interesting ;)

roomie time

Having roommate time where we hang out as a family is really nice. I had a lot of fun :) even though we probably should have accomplished more :P But that's okay, it was enjoyable. Love me some roommate time. It makes me want to move in tomorrow. But hey, only 2 more months! But yeah I had a good night.. :)

much indeed :)

I think things have been going really well with us lately :) It's really nice :)

And I go on vacation in a month! I can't wait! It's gonna be so fun and the beach, oh the beach! I've been attempting to work on my tan before then cuz I really don't wanna burn :P I wanna come back pretty tan, not burnt to a lobster crisp :P Oh the struggle of being pale.

Ok we neeeeeed to have a girls day sometime soon! Pronto!

difficult plans

You are always so difficult with making plans :P pleeeeaaaasee cooperate with me :)

I really wish we were moving in earlier. I'm so ready to move in now, especially now that it's summer. And today with our roommate picture, I mean I love doing them, but I wish it was our "hey we are actually moved in" one and not just another one since we were all together and such. Cuz that's really gonna be an awesome picture. Ugh two months better go by fast. It's gonna be so great. It's gonna be so fun and awesome.

:)))

Love, love, love, I still believe in you 

what to do...

I really don't know what to do in college and it's scary. I don't know what I want to do with the rest of my life. Ugh, it's so stressful

we'll be up all night

This summer is shaping up to be pretty good. No curfew is going to be the best thing to happen to us

Hmm

Okay my question is, if you openly say you don't like your girlfriend, why are you still together?

Graduation

Graduation was definitely one of the best experiences of my life. I am so proud of my accomplishment and sitting next to my best friend throughout the ceremony was the best thing ever! We had a blast! We all did it! We are finally college students! And only 75 days til move in!! Even now, I'm not sure that it has totally set in that we are completely done with high school. No more. My brain isn't in summer mode yet and even so, I feel like it would think I'm going back to East in the fall. But nope! College life starts now. Move in is going to come up really fast, I can tell. Graduation was great and I am proud of all of us. I was actually pretty surprised that I didn't cry at commencement. I got close a couple times, but never actually broke down. The grad party was really fun too. The hypnotist was soooo funny! It was great to spend more time all together as a class. It was just a great day and a great night. Let's do it again in 4 years? ;)

Night before

Trying remind myself that we've made it through worse... But my stomach is churning from all the anxiety... Idk which would make me feel better, crying or puking....

Holly

So I finally got a car and her name is Holly and she's amazing :) I actually really love her! She's perfect! Still a little stressed about now having car payments and car insurance but it should be alright. Hopefully I can pay her off early, but otherwise, I'm in for 66 monthly payments. Blah. But she's no nice and I'm really proud of her and it's awesome that I'm going to own her and she is mine. All mine.

mooooove

Kinda having a moment of wishing I were moving away for college

you'll be in my heart

Well, here I am. We just had our last choir concert and it was honestly amazing. Not only was it a great musical performance, but I got such a sense of community between us. It got a little emotional. During You'll Be In My Heart, I was tearing up. I will probably be actually crying when we have to sing that at graduation. It's gonna be intense. Speaking of, I'm basically done with high school. I have one final on Tuesday and then I'm done. It's honestly surreal. I can't believe this year went by so fast. It was seriously like in the blink of an eye and now here we are. Almost graduated. I can't believe it's been so long since we have all been friends too. Lorissa was 6th grade and Taya was 7th and then Zach was 8th grade. Either way, at least 5 years of being friends. I'm so glad we are living together and it makes me really sad that Lorissa is moving away. We got super close this year and I'm going to miss her so much. At least we still have summer, which better be epic! It was just a pretty emotional night and it wasn't even graduation yet. I need a hug.

Carro

I just want to hurry up and find the perfect car and be able to get it and be done with it. I mean, I still have a solid month and a half to get one but it would be nice to get it done with. Buying a used car is hard work. I don't want to settle either. I know what I want and it got away once but hopefully I find another one soon. I can't wait to own my own car. Especially since it will totally be mine, my parents aren't helping pay for it at all. That'll be pretty awesome. 

And I can't believe school is almost done. We basically have a week left. That's insane. This year seriously flew by twice as fast as any other one has. This summer better be great. And there are only 85 more days til move in. That's going to come quickly. It's like all of a sudden, graduation and even just like real life is right in our faces. Here it is. We better take it and run

Yup.

It sucks that I'm much happier during the week than on the weekend. This is depressing. Like I actually kinda want to cry. And it sucks because it's almost summer and idk if I'm even that excited. 

At least I'll be getting a car soon. That'll be pretty cool. 

Trying

I've actually been feeling kinda depressed sometimes lately. 

Set

I could have blown up. I was getting close to ranting but instead I tried to be somewhat level minded and tried to communicate my feelings in a healthy way that would be beneficial to us. Because it really has gotten to suck lately. I just want us to make set plans and do it that way instead of not knowing until basically right before. And believe me, I know I'm annoying when I ask all the time. But it's like first I'm trying to make plans father out and it's an idk and then I ask closer to and then I ask right before. I even annoy myself. But it's either that or we don't hang out. And I want to hang out. I mean I'm definitely giving you the benefit of the doubt that you are busy and don't really know when all you'll be free but it's getting to the point that I almost wonder if I'm supposed to be picking up on a hint. I mean I could be really wrong, I am a lot. Because you seem to have fun when we hang out. And I get that I'm not exactly at the top of the priority list. But maybe we could try to make set plans? I think it would help both of us. Because I really feel like a broken record asking all the time and I was getting close to just stopping asking all together. But I want to hang out. The struggle. I'm just trying to help. Both myself and you. 

Biolife

So doing biolife was pretty decent. It doesn't suck that much :P I felt completely fine after it. I'll probably like it better next time when it's a lot shorter cuz it got to be a lot. It's a pretty win-win situation. Your plasma goes to help someone else and you get paid for it. And I'm about to be a poor college student so every 20 bucks helps. I'm pretty proud of myself. I was a tough cookie :) and I was definitely part of a unique demographic that was there. Not a lot of young women donating. So I'm special :P I dunno it's just a pretty cool thing to do. I dunno that I'll do it twice a week though. Once will probably be enough but I guess I'll have to see after my next time. But yeah, thanks for being my kick in the butt to finally do it :P :)

history

I just kinda went back in my blog and I realized I have posts on here from all the way back in 2011. It's now 2014 and boy are things different. It's even crazier to think that we started going out in 2009 and it's now 2014. That's really crazy. We've been close for so long now. We have a lot of history; we have been through so much. It kinda makes me think we can make it through anything at this point. At least friendship wise, obviously. Super best friends forever :P Oh and I found my post from the day after we had sex for the first time :P Oh boy. That was 2012, in case anyone was wondering :P Go back and find it if ya wanna be entertained. "For the first time" is the title I think :P Yeah things have changed quite a bit since then. I'm starting to feel old :P This year has gone by so fast. I feel like homecoming was just a couple months ago. But now there are only 3 weeks left. Wow. Especially since spring break, things have absolutely flown by. I'm ready to be done with high school though. And 99 days til we move in! Finally less than 100 days. I remember when we were really excited to be under 200 days. I really can't wait. I think it's going to be the best experience. Maayybeee by then we can spend it together. Time will tell.

Three weeks

I'm so done with high school. I'm just ready for it to be over with. Today's just kinda sucked so yeah. 

really thunderstorm

Do you really think that will be the situation by then? Really?

I loooooove this thunderstorm! It's the best and it's nasty and lightning and yaaaaasss. Wish we could watch it together :)

Senior prom

That ended up being a pretty good day and a pretty good night. Prom itself wasn't anything overly spectacular. It was just kinda another thing. Don't get me wrong, it was fun, but in the end it wasn't the stereotypical magical night. I think every girl wants bae or kinda bae or not really bae to tell her how beautiful she looks and I didn't really get that. I thought I was looking pretty bangin but it's totally different when someone else acknowledges it. Oh well. It was a good time. The after party was pretty good too. I think I'm learning when it comes to me and alcohol. I could still realize I was getting drink and could recognize how bad the people that were worse than me were. I mean I was kinda drunk and I was taking care of carlee the sloppy annoying drunk. I guess I'm actually kinda proud of that. But then after that responsibility went away, I think I got a little worse. Still not that bad, but worse. I still remember pretty much everything so that's good. I remember hugging like 4 different people randomly :P and I don't know what was with Alex but before he got all upset and such, he was definitely... Idk how to put it, but he grabbed my butt twice and said I give him a boner sooo idk what was going on there. I could actually still be serious while intoxicated too. About serious things at least like cutting Carlee off and leaving Alex alone. And kinda even switching myself over to water. I'm learning :) 

Oh and I made it through my senior prom night without getting engaged :P

sun's a shining

ohmygosh Prom is tomorrow! That sure crept up fast! I am so excited. I love my dress and I can't wait to look sexy as fuck :P Gah it's gonna be such a fun day tomorrow :) Soooo excited :) And I'm so glad that it's finally sunny again! 5 days of rain and drizzle was getting ridiculously long. And jeeze it's already May. There's only a month until we graduate! That's so crazy!

til then

so that was an.. interesting little conversation. :P it actually probably went better than I thought it would have. I honestly thought it would scare you a little. But it didn't and I'm not totally sure how to take that.. :P

Maybe you're right

At least right now, I'm pretty content with leaving things up to fate. I'm fine with how my life is right now and I'm sure the plan for my life is a good one. So I'll just see what happens

deep breath

I've honestly been really stressed lately and sometimes it's even over whelming. I can't wait for school to be over because that's where 75% of my stress is coming from right now. It sucks. It's honestly been getting me pretty down. I think it's even got me kinda emotional and sensitive. I'm kinda on edge. Deep breath, there's just a month left.

talkin

I'm really glad we can talk about stuff like that. I think it's definitely a good thing :P And I guess I didn't even think it was weird or uncomfortable at all. I think we can talk about pretty much everything and that's great

xx

Okay so the no twitter thing didn't work out. But the reason I got back on was to try to somewhat fix whatever was going on. I can see why she'd get upset but I also didn't do anything that bad. The things I tweeted about Friday night are identical to things I would say about a good girls night. And I didn't think the picture was really that bad but I changed it back. It's not like I've been talking bad about her or being sappy about Zach or anything like that but I'll try to watch myself closer. I think the whole thing probably got blown up to be bigger than it was. 

Maybe if we all were a bit more concerned with our own lives than everyone else's, we would all be a bit happier. 

Maybe tomorrow will be better. 

Follow

It always sucks when one day's issues/upsetness/fighting/frustration/etc follows and carries over into the next day. It sucks when the morning isn't a fresh start. It's hard for me because I always want to fix things right away. So I'm really trying to hold back and not say anything until you do. Hopefully it's soon but we'll see. I know I've just gotta give you some space. Today's kinda forming a real sucky atmosphere. I hurt. At least it's sunny 

The Art of the Subtweet

Ya know, subtweets by nature are kinda mean. The whole point of it is to publicly express your opinion--usually negative--about someone generally or specially about what they are doing, etc, without saying it to them directly. Thus, the whole thing is pretty high on the drama scale. I'll take responsibility; I've done it before myself. I'm not above it all. But I think I have come to realize that subtweets are pretty stupid. Honestly, they don't do any good. They are going to make someone feel bad about themself. Or the person is just going to keep on doing what they want because they really don't care about your opinion. Either way, nothing good was accomplished. But really, when someone subtweets, is there anything good that they are trying to accomplish? I suppose they feel better about having gotten their opinion out there and perhaps heard. But that's all the good there is in it and even that could be questioned as whether or not it is good.  I feel bad about every subtweet I ever said. If only more people were like that. It amazes me how mean we still are to each other. But then I sometimes do it too. Maybe we wanna blame it on society but really it comes down to individual responsibility. I hope I'm changed for the better because of this.   Damn this got really deep. But all this has really got the thoughts flowing. It's been a weird day. I need sleep. 

Perspective

I'm trying to keep this all in perspective. This isn't the end of the world; nothing ever is. Life ebbs and flows, has highs and lows. That's just the nature of things. This too shall pass. It's the duration of the passing that's up in the air. I'm hopeful tomorrow will be good but I'm definitely preparing for tomorrow to down right suck. 

Goodnight

I feel like leaving. 

I'm glad you aren't mad at me. I didn't think you had a reason to be because I told you about the subtweet thing and like I said, I'm not trying to bother her. I didn't even know she was seeing my tweets. And I'm just saying, it's her choice whether to see them or not.   I understand how you're feeling about all this. That sounds cheesy but it's true. Hopefully tomorrow is better. 

Tomorrow is also my first day back since my surgery. Kinda dreading it. I have been through so much in the past week and a half. It honestly had a lot of pain and suffering so I'm proud that I've made it through. I mean I'm still not pain free but it's minimal enough that even ibuprofen is optional. My stubbornness probably helped me get through this week relatively well. I can be a tough cookie. :P

And if it weren't for school tomorrow and how late in the day this feeling came on, I would probably not be sitting here at home. I'd be driving. Maybe west to the mountains. That's the thing about being 18 now. It would be so easy to leave by yourself because you could do everything yourself. You no longer need a parent to get a hotel room. I could just leave and sometimes that's really tempting. Admittedly this feeling comes around when I feel like I want to run away from problems. 

I'm biting my tongue because I want to talk to you right now but that's probably not a good idea. You just need your space and hopefully I'll hear from ya in the morning. 

Oh and I'm actually pretty tempted to just delete twitter off my phone because I'm pretty sure people are subtweeting shit about me and it's bull shit. If it is about me, stay out of my life, it's none of your God damn business. People involve themselves in too much and create unnecessary drama. So for at least the week, it's deleted. 

I actually feel pretty lonely right now. Hopefully tomorrow will be better. Fingers crossed. 

game

So last night was probably pretty much perfect. I don't think I would change anything about it, honestly. We had so much fun and it was so great :) ya dingus :P It was a really good game too. I mean it was entertaining and we actually won! And the weather was really great too. Like I said, I don't know what I would change. It was just a great night :) My throat was actually doing pretty well too and now this morning, it's even better! The pain is so minimal compared to what it was. All I really need is some ibuprofen. So yay! Finally getting better and normal again :)

Pain

It's been bad enough to make me cry. In fact, this morning was really bad and I cried like 3 times. Yeah, the pain is definitely a cause of the crying, but I think the frustration and the fact that it still hurts so much was also behind it. I just want to be pain free. I didn't really want to blog about this stuff, but this morning was so bad. I think my scabs are coming off and that's why it hurts so much again. I can kinda feel them peeling in my throat. Yeah it's nasty. I just hope I'm feeling better by Friday. Because I am still really looking forward to that. It's gonna be the most fun thing I've done since surgery. We will have a blast. We better, I really need my spirits brightened. 

Wander

It seems impossible but I don't think going to New York calmed my desire to travel. I feel it in my soul, as weird as that maybe sounds. I want to travel and explore and experience things. I'm almost afraid of if this feeling never goes away

Say ahhh

So my tonsillectomy is coming up really fast... Basically 5 days away. I'm getting a little nervous. I mean it's surgery. Nothing big, but it's still surgery. And I'm going to feel like crap for a solid week after it and that's going to suck. Depending on how bad I'm feeling, I probably wouldn't mind some company to just relax and watch movies and such with me. It'll probably be a long week at home. It's nice that it's a Friday surgery too. I won't know til Thursday what time it'll be but if it's early enough for me to be settled back at home fairly early, maybe I could have visitors. It's unsettling how I don't know how bad I'm going to be feeling. I'd like to think I'm a tough cookie but I guess we shall see. Hopefully the nerves don't get bad and I don't get too worried. 

New York & dresses

Where do I even begin? New York City was such a great experience. It was exhilarating.. And freezing :P asides from only 5 hours of sleep each night, the bitter cold, and some timing issues, it was really great. We had some great views of the city, ate dumplings in china town, canolis in little Italy, and pizza in Times Square, saw the Statue of Liberty and the 9/11 memorial, and saw wicked on Broadway. We truly did almost everything there is to do there, from a tourist's standpoint at least. I will not be forgetting this trip any time soon. The eeriest thing was when we were waiting for our tickets outside the 9/11 memorial and right in front of us we got to watch a fire engine pull out of the station. And those sirens. The only other time I had heard those specific sirens has been in videos of 9/11. That was spooky. One of my favorite things was the dinner cruise we went on. The views of the city were amazing and when we went by the Statue of Liberty, they played patriotic music and it was a little moving. I felt so American :P also got to bust out my white girl dancing and that was so fun. I have a blast dancing, I just go for it and have fun. Can't wait to white girl dance again at prom :P which brings me to prom dress shopping today! I really like my dress. It's red and has cut outs on the front and an open back. And it's long! My first long dress ever and I'm still a little surprised that I got a long dress. But It has wow factor and that's what I really wanted. It's senior prom. I wanna go out with a bang. Out of all the dresses I tried on, this one did it the most. I mean, it's every girls' dream, mine too, to have a guy see you in your prom dress and for them to be stunned and tell you how amazing and beautiful you look. I want that when May 3rd rolls around. So yeah I'm pretty excited :) and on a somewhat related side note, between Times Square and MOA shopping, I now have 4 dresses of varying style. I wanna wear more dresses. They are pretty and actually fairly easy to wear and they make you feel good and girly and sometimes even like you can kick some ass. So I better actually wear them :P it needs to warm up so that I can! I'm pretty happy right now. Which is a great thing :) our super best friendship is pretty great. I'm excited to go to a Twins game and the casino and maybe valleyfair again too. We will have so much fun and I can't wait. Oh and move in day is only 143 days away! So excited!! It's coming up so fast. I mean there's only 2 months of school left then 2.5 months of summer and then it's here. It's so crazy that we graduate in 2 months. It's come up so fast. Senior year truly has flown by. It's kinda scary but really exciting at the same time. Craziness

Trip later

Being #2 sucks

Weird place

I think I'm kinda in a weird place with us right now and the future and such. I think maybe it's because I haven't really actually thought about it in a while. Obviously no one can really know what's going to happen. I guess I can still see a chance for us if we get to that point. But it's a matter of if anything will really happen with us again. Like I said, no way to know. I think I still want to try again. I kinda have a hard time imagining us living together next year and not trying again. I think there's still definitely something there, it's just a matter of if we act on it. Which I think eventually we will. But that's just me. 

Ik

Whenever things get kinda weird or off with us, I really remind myself of how long there is til move in day. 157 days. Just over 5 months. I also remind myself that things will go back to normal sooner or later 

Held back

I'm getting pretty sick and tired of being sick and tired. Yet another night of being in bed well before 10 because I can just tell that my body needs sleep. And I dunno in a way I'm actually kinda nervous about my health. The doctor said my organs are under a lot of stress with being sick for so long and I can just feel my insides in a way that isn't normal and I guess it's just got me freaked out. And New York is just a week away so I'm really hoping that I'll be doing better by then. I'm going regardless but I'm not supposed to over exert myself and I feel like the trip will do exactly that. It just sucks. I've never been sick for so long like this before. I'm usually fairly healthy so this is so different for me and it sucks. I just want to be able to do all sorts of stuff but I can't because I need to take it easy and I'm pretty tired. I'm sure my sick talk is getting boring but I don't really know what else to talk about right now. My main goal is to just finally get better. Because this really sucks. I hate that my body is holding me back. 

you're next

That was just pretty great. Actually it was really great, to be honest. I know that you had kinda been out of it or whatever but you definitely weren't like that once we were hanging out. And it was awesome. It makes me look forward to living together even more. I am so beyond excited now. Probably the best hang out that we've had in quite a while and I loved it :) love you :)

stuff

I try to be good at deflecting getting picked on and stuff like that. But sometimes I'm just sensitive and can't really take it

Whiskey Lullaby

It's ironic because just earlier, I was thinking about how good I've been lately, how happy I've been. Like I couldn't even really remember the last time I had cried. I've been doing such a good job of staying positive and not being sad and such. But now this is probably the lowest I have felt in quite a while

Lucky me

Turns out you gave me mono after all :P yaaaayyyy

mas

I guess things are pretty much just going along. That blizzard was crazy. Honestly the worst I have ever had to be in and drive in. But it was pretty cool. It's been pretty awesome to have so many snow days our senior year. I'm still hoping spring will hurry up and come. I'm ready to be able to go outside without freezing. I want to go adventuring so bad. My desire to travel is so constant and strong. I'm ready to be done with winter. New York will come pretty quick so that will be great. 4 weeks from now, I'll be halfway there. I can't wait! And in 5 months, I'll be in Virginia Beach :) So exciting! And we have passed the 6 month mark til move in day! Slowly but surely, it is coming :) Things with Zach and I have also been pretty good. I even kinda think we have gotten even closer. So that's good :) And I'm really comfortable with him. I think it will make our transition to living with each other really easy. I feel like over the past four and a half years, we have spent a ton of time together and experienced a lot of normal things together so it should be easy. I'm just really excited for that. It will be so nice to just be able to hang out whenever and not have to deal with parents getting in the way of that. The freedom will be great. Graduation is getting closer too. I can't wait for that. I'm ready to be done with high school. Oh and Zach's birthday is less than a month away too :P So yeah, not a lot of exciting things going on in the next couple weeks

days

32 days until New York
107 days until Graduation
184 days until Move In Day

And I can't wait :) I'm ready for vacation, I'm ready to be done with high school, I'm ready to live on my own with my friends.

Ok.

So beyond bummed. 

One more effort

So this will be my last go at this. I'll probably bring it up in convo soonish, if you don't say anything about it first. I know you guys are dating and all that but could we please go to our prom together? As just friends, obviously. This is senior prom, it's basically the last hurrah before graduation.  There's no one I would rather spend it with than my best friend. We would have a lot of fun. We would have a good time as just friends. Y'all can go to her prom both this year and next. But this is our senior prom. My senior prom. I want to spend it with my best friends. Our group would be awesome and so much fun if we were coupled up. It's our last dance, one of our last events of our group together. Before people leave. And if I don't get to go with you, I'll probably have to go with like Troy or idk who else. That would be weird. It would be easy with you. We would breeze through all the planning of it since we have done it multiple times. I know you want her to have a good time and stuff but like what about me? Don't I deserve to have a great time at my senior prom..? Idk just saying. As just friends. I don't want to cause you guys issues. Perhaps this makes me sound pathetic and it probably sounds deseperate but I honestly kinda am. Here goes. Prom? 

sick

being sick is not fun. I'm not even that sick. Asides from my tonsils that have swollen to the size of quarters, I'm completely fine. But due to those tonsils, eating is actually a struggle. It's really difficult to swallow. But I feel bad for you! You are a lot sicker than I am. As always, I wish I could help. Maybe I brightened your spirits yesterday :P I'm sure it musta been nice to hang out with someone. I had a pretty good time with you too :)

(last?)(195)

well it happened again. And I'm not as ok with it as I was when it was just a thought. I know I'll be fine, if I made it through last time, I sure as hell will get through it this time. But I dunno. It might just be surface happy for a while. I might even just muddle through the rest of winter. Tread water til it's over. But yet I'm strong so maybe it won't be long for me to really be ok again. I'll just have to see.
I'm really going to miss us. Like a lot. :/ We've gotten so good and so close lately. It sucks that things have to be different now. And I really hope that it'll be over by move in day. I was really looking forward to that with you. Move in day is 195 days away. So about 6.5 months. Considering you guys only lasted like 6 months last time, I find it unlikely that you will make it til move in day. Given our history and last time, and how we have only gotten better since then, I dunno I just don't see it lasting. And even if you do make it til move in day, I mean we will be living together, I don't think you guys would last long then. But that's just me and who knows what will actually happen. I'm not trying to be a bitch or anything, I'm trying to use some logic. And you said someday. Now obviously you have no idea what will happen, but you basically said you think you guys will break up. Guess we just have to see how that all goes. And you did say that it's a step towards us. So that's good. I can't wait for us.

TIK

I'm an idiot. 

Sometimes I just want to give into winter and just be sad 

this post took entirely too long

So the talk we had had a couple nights ago was really good. It was honest and real and just good. I am really glad that I can see your side of it. I was really proud of how well I responded. It could be a step towards us honestly. It's a what if. I was able to see that. But towards the end of that conversation and then after last night, I don't know where you're mind is at with that now. It's up to you if you think you need to do that. If you don't think you have to, then you most certainly don't have to. I really was understanding where you were coming from. But it did sound like you already kinda knew how it was going to end and such. It kinda sounded like you had been starting to question if you actually wanted to do that. I...actually felt pretty close to you. That convo made me feel close to you. Because it was honest and real and... it seemed like you were leaning towards me and us and I really loved that. And I really debated saying that because I don't want to say too much on here because I know T reads and I don't want to be saying anything that was meant for just me, because it's our business. So hopefully this is all okay. :P This took me so much longer to figure out what to say because like I want Z to see it but not necessarily T, ya know? I don't mean that in a mean way, I just don't want to make personal business into other people's business. Ok I just need to be done :P

Some thoughts

I do still hope and want it to be you and I in the end. But... Sooner or later, I think I'm just going to give up on that.

I don't know what you want or what's going through your mind with that. I'm still wanting it to be us. I want it to be that you get your exploring phase out and done with and then it can be back to you and me. Then whether we end up getting married or end up breaking up again, at least we had another shot. It's worth another go. 

Goodnight.

Nights are always the worst. They are when all the dark thoughts come out to play. Sometimes I want to go to bed at like 8 just to get away from them. 

talk

I think our talk about my future and college and stuff actually did kinda help. You made a good point about hobbies just staying hobbies and not being jobs. That actually sunk in pretty well. It's still just kinda frustrating and well upsetting that I don't really know what to do, but I think that talk got me a little closer to figuring it out. So thank you for that :)

Can't help but notice that you've been a little weird. But you're sick. So it could just be that.     :/

202 and going down

That's how many days are left until move in day!! And I can't wait! I really wish it could be like tomorrow or this weekend or something. I would love that. It'll be interesting to live with you guys. I think it's going to be a ton of fun though :) I'm thinking that that will be when the chance of us goes up significantly. That first at least like week I'm sure will be a big adjustment time. I think it's gonna take a while for it to sink in that this isn't just like a sleepover and that we are actually living together for the next year. It's gonna be so different but I think it's going to be great and I am so excited! Like beyond!!!!

glass

Like what is going on? Zach never just says ok when I smile at him. This is weird. On top of an already blah night, this is really weird. I did have a really good time with him though. We had a good time. He seemed to be fairly loving. And I love sitting on his lap.

Hey, made it through a (small) post of using names instead of just you

Really

Haaaa sometimes I feel really stupid. 

blustery

I really hope you make it home ok. It's nasty out there.

trained

so I got checker trained today and that was awesome. I was a little nervous going into it but I actually think I did pretty well. Once I finally got to actually check, it seemed to go fairly smoothly so that was good. I'm proud :) and it's going to make my job so much better. So yay!

And I want us to go to that game :P You're being all difficult which is dumb cuz you know that was a great idea :P Like honestly, that's a pretty solidly great gift idea for you :P Difficult :P But we've been pretty good lately so yay :) again haha :P

lil bit

So I'm gonna miss you a lil bit. It's just a weekend so it's not gonna be that bad. Make sure you have lots of fun and try to relax! You'll have a great weekend. And mine should be decent as well. Especially since we are pretty much for sure getting Monday off. Maybe you could spend your recovery day with me? :P haha anyways is it spring break yet!? I'm so jealous that you are travelling. :P

good day

I'm still rooting for it to be us in the end.

Unintended consequences

I feel bad that it got to this. I really didn't want any drama so I wasn't going to say anything directly to you. I'm sorry for still managing to upset you. But in person, I was still good yesterday. Does that count more? I really hope things are good again in the morning. Hopefully we will just move right past this. I love you. 

I can't remember if I said anything about this already or not, but Friday was really awesome. All day, we were great. I loved it. 

Btw, when I said you looked really good yesterday, that was kinda an understatement. You looked soooo good. Definitely wanted to tap that ;) okay I'm done now

I have weird thoughts

and now life can just keep going along and flowing and moving. There really isn't anything big for a while. I guess Valentine's Day would probably be the next thing but I'm not going to expect anything. I mean I would love it, but it would probably be smartest to go into it expecting nothing. Idk you can start that convo if there is even one to have about it. But even February 14th that will come and go pretty easily. Life's gonna be pretty normal for a while. Gotta keep chugging through to graduation. Spring Break is probably the next thing I'm looking forward to. I can't wait to travel! I honestly have a fairly restless soul. Like sometimes my desire goes beyond just a thought, it almost becomes a feeling. Idk I'm strange :P

May

Obviously it's really early for this but oh well. Prom. I really want to go with you. Idk where you are at with that now. But it's senior prom, like this is it. It's the last one. I think we should go together. We would have an absolute blast. You know that we would :P so there's my pitch and I probably won't actually bring it up in a convo for at least a few weeks, unless you do it first. But like I said, prom isn't until the beginning of May so that's still like three and a half months away.

Alley

I played nice. I was good. I mainly left her alone but was still nice. I don't think I even said anything bad about her to Lorissa or anyone.  And then you guys are fucking grinding on each other the entire night like right in front of me. And there was only so much of that I could take. And to top it all off, she was giving me judgemental looks all night. Like what? I'm just having fun with my best friends. Sorry if I dance like an idiot but I was just having as much fun as I could. So that sucks. I mean I honestly don't give even a partial shit about what she thinks of me, but the fact that I was nice and then she did that. Like bitch move. If anything, she was the bitch, not me, so thanks for being so concerned about me doing something. I'm just sayin. I was actually sooo good. Like I'm proud. But then once Lorissa and I left, I broke down almost right away. And when you were poking me, trying to figure out what was wrong, well now here it all is. But I'm pretty much past it. I'm a strong young adult and that was just one night. Go me for being mature and taking the high road. And honestly, I think the way her and I each handled it shows a pretty big difference in maturity. I mean giving your ex boyfriend's ex girlfriend judgmental looks all night? I feel like that's so high school and I'm past that. Life is moving right along, I'm over it. 

And on a purely positive note, that roommate picture we took is reallyyyy good. We are going to make such a cute family :)

I played nice.

It's been a long fucking day. 

Throw up.

I was doing great today until that. Words hurt. Did you seriously think I would do something mean to Sena? When I said I wasn't sure how I was going to be around you guys, I meant that hopefully I don't end up crying in some bathroom tomorrow. Because I sure as fucking hell am crying right now. And right now I really don't know about tomorrow. I might end up throwing up. That's how bad this has gotten. I just want it to be fun. Ive been trying to get in a fun moodset so that I'm for sure okay. But that came crashing down. Guess we will see what morning brings. 

But now having said all that, I'm calming down and hopefully sleep will come quickly and my sunny disposition will return upon awaking. I just want to have fun. It's senior jobs. Let's have a blast 

nervesss

Not gonna lie, I'm kinda nervous for tomorrow. So there's that.

this week

And so begins the high level of stress that will continue for the next few days. I work the next 2 days and the 2 finals that I do have, are going to kick my ass. And I'm worried that I won't finish my painting in time and it's just crazy. So if I'm cranky, I'm sorry, it's not you, I'm just internally panicking.

And then there's jobs. And I'm not sure how I'm feeling about that. Like I want it to be fun and I think that parts of it are guaranteed to be fun but then there's the rest of it that I'm honestly kinda nervous for it. I'm just unsure of how it's gonna go and I want it to be great and I have things that I want to happen but yeah. I guess if anything, I'll have to keep reminding myself that in the end, it's just one night. If it doesn't go as well as I want it to, or just doesn't go well at all, it's just one Saturday night that sucked. It'll be okay. And there's still prom which is a much bigger deal anyways. And I still really want to go to prom with you but yeah. Still a far ways away.

fate

That was seriously the craziest thing ever. I had made my cheesy comment about hanging out if fates align... and sure enough, they did align. That took such perfect timing, it's insane. I guess it really must have been fate :P I'm still having a hard time wrapping my head around how incredible that was. Neither of us had any idea at all of what the other was doing and then we ended up at the same place at the same time. Crazy! :P And I had a pretty great time tonight with you. Watching a movie was fun and then pool was a good change up. I had fun and thank you for teaching me. Somewhat at least :P It was a good time :) Like I said, it was nice to do something different. It was just a really great night :)

1/9/2014

You've been kinda down on and off the past couple days. Like something is wrong and you don't want to tell me and go back and forth between being okay and not. I just hope you are okay and that this doesn't turn into another sad month for Zach. I mean, I don't know what's going on. And just like before, I'm sure you have a reason for not telling me and that's okay. I just wish I could help. It sucks seeing you sad. Or upset or stressed or whatever you are. Maybe I can try to cheer you up this weekend? :)

Wish I could talk

Sometimes I just feel really broken. Like right now. 

I've had the worst body image today than I've had in forever. And then I fished for compliments which was the stupidest thing ever. I was just wanting to feel better but i know you hate it and it just made me feel like a pile of shit. It was stupid. And I cried about it. A lot. Mostly because I want to be good enough and whenever I do something dumb like this, I feel like I'm not good enough. And that sounds like such a broken thing to say and I don't want to be broken, I want to be strong. It's just been a hard couple days, hopefully things will look up now. 

It gets rough

It's one of my hard nights. 

I do understand your side of this. I actually do. It's just the not knowing that gets me going. I wish I knew if it was more likely for us to get back together than not. 

2014

I truthfully think that 2014 will be a great year. There are so many big things coming up! The trip to New York is pretty much right around the corner and graduation is not long after. Hopefully Nashville happens this summer and in July I'm going to Virginia Beach for a family vacation. The last one before I move out. Especially since it's happening less than a month from move in day. Which I reallyyy can't wait for! Then college starts right away and my 19th birthday will come up quick then. Then along to the first holiday season while not living at home, which will be weird. It's sounding like it's going to be a very eventful, fast year, but it's going to be so great. Best year yet, that's my prediction. Don't get me wrong, 2013 was good. But life is really going to start this year. Kinda at least :P the independence really kicks in this year, even though I can tell my parents have been giving me a lot more freedom since I turned 18. Which is probably good for all of us. Gives them a little bit of a chance to start letting go before I move out and it lets me start figuring out how to be responsible too. The tighter the leash, the farther they run when they are set free. I'm glad my parents really know that. It keeps the whole relationship I have with them stronger. I am thankful for them. Anyways, it's gonna be such a fun year. I really can't wait to travel and then living with my best friends will be such a blast, most of the time, anyways :P I'm really excited for this year. But I wish time would slow down. 2013 was seriously so fast. I can't believe it's been a whole year.

Oh hey(:

I just realized that we have spent quite a lot of time together in this past week. And it has been pretty great(:

Crash

And honestly, that was literally the best that could have happened with that situation. Grady and I both didn't freak out and you stayed really calm too which also really helped. I mean, you were fucking freaking out on the inside, I could tell, but on the outside, you stayed very calm and reassuring. You didn't even seem mad or pissed. And that really helped Grady and I. I mean I still almost puked in the ditch afterwards and once we started driving, I was praying for a solid 5 minutes. But no one got hurt, like not even a bruise which is honestly so great. Like I had said, it could have been a million times worse but it wasn't. Which was what I kept telling you because like I said, I knew you were freaking out on the inside. And you kept making sure Grady and I were ok. I probably got asked if I was okay like a dozen times. You were seriously pretty great about the whole thing. And you keep asking how I'm doing but I've been worried about you. But at the same time, thank you so much for doing all that you could to get away from that sign. I keep seeing it in my head and honestly I was probably 6-12 inches away from getting hurt. I'm not trying to freak anyone out, I'm just thankful that no one was hurt. That's why if those tweets that Mack said about karma being a bitch and not feeling sorry for someone, if those were about her not getting invited and then you crashing, I will cut. Like I said, I was fairly close to possibly getting pretty hurt. That's not something you bring up when you're bitter that no one wanted you there since you are annoying and whiny. And speaking of cutting, I seriously feel so bad about that :( but hey, we had fun there for a while ;) it sucks that we couldn't spend the night together. But I know that you really needed to go home because of your car. Hopefully we get another chance at a sleepover soon