ready?

So earlier my mom mentioned how I haven't really been going out lately... and asked why and stuff... It was really awkward. I just kinda lied and said I don't know and brushed it off... I'm not trying to rush you at all, take all the time you need, I still just really hope you are ready soon. Because this sucks. And I don't like lying to my mom but I also don't want to tell her everything. So yeah it's a tough situation. Because I really miss you and everyone and just going out in general. Besides Geneva, we haven't hung out in legit a month. And it suckssssss. Okay I'm done complaining.

So I was serious when I said that text made me actually smile. It pretty much made my day. :P Is that weird? I mean it wasn't anything that was really that much more special than normal. I think it was just the general enthusiasm you had. So yeah (:

rhogtuijwo

so... there really isn't much else I can say. But I really really miss you. Seriously, I'm really sad. But all I can do is just look forward to when you are ready. And I'm really hoping it's pretty soon. Because this sucks. And there is only a month left of summer and I really want to make the most of it, but I can't without you. But this is still about you and how you need space to heal and such.

lonely

so I'm going to start off by saying that I'm not mad or blaming or anything like that. I'm sure I deserve all of it. But... it's really sucked. I was gone for 2 weeks on vacation, I come back and have a really great weekend with you guys, probably the best of the summer, and then I haven't gone out since. I've hung out with Z twice, which has been really good, but I miss going out and hanging out with everyone. And tonight, Katie wants to do Ouija and I really want to go. But I won't because I know you don't want me there. Like I said, I understand, I've just been getting really lonely. And seeing the tweets sucks too. So I just can't wait for things to go back to normal. Or at least as close to normal as they can get. I hate missing out on things but right now, I don't really have a choice. So whenever you are ready, I'm right here. Oh, and I debated whether or not I should even blog... but then I figured that it's my blog, my safe space. You don't have to read it if you don't want to. And idk if you even are reading it still. If you are, the next part is gonna be about Z so you might not want to read it.

I love being best friends.... But I would love it even more if we were best friends and dating. That would be so great. I can see it now. Can you see it? It would be amazing. I want that so bad. I want us so bad. I miss us. I dunno maybe I want another heart to heart about us stuff. I like staying updated. As you know. I dunno I am in a weird mood and just want you.

ISU

The reason I'm still definitely applying to Iowa State is.... it's my way out. If everything here goes wrong, it's my way to get out of here and start over. If this town becomes nothing but a goodbye town, filled with the ghosts of my past, then I will have somewhere to go. Now, I really hope it doesn't come to that. It's honestly my last resort. I still really hope our living situation works out. That's what I want. I want there to be reasons to stay here. But it's not really up to me. You have the control. But now you know. Where I go is going to depend on my relationships with people here. Just 2 people, actually. T and Z. Truly, the most important people in my life, besides family.


...this is probably a fairly big reason why it seemed like I has shifted the focus from you to me. Because in my brain, I was trying to prepare myself for possibly a completely different life path. I know there is no excuse for it, I'm just trying to figure out what was going on with me and try to explain it to you. So yeah.