Yes I dreamt of you too

Why does nothing make sense right now? I don't know what to dooo. I just don't know. All I really do know is that I wish some things were different. It feels like everything is messy right now. And I think I've kinda just been ignoring the mess instead of dealing with it. Sounds bad but I'm pretty sure it's true. I dunno. Maybe I'll figure it out soon. 

P.S. Moving to my new room this weekend is practically a definite thing at this point! Yay yay yay! The closet needs to be finished up, carpet is getting put down, doors gotta get hung, and outlet covers gotta go on cuz ya know, electrocution. And that's about it. And my dads been doing stuff during the evenings so far this week so that's most excellent. Curious to see how the weekend goes. I feel like moving my shit and setting it up is gonna be a bitch but yet I can't wait and it's gonna look so great when it's done. 

I've got the past

I dunno, I actually ended up having a pretty decent day. Worked on my running, worked on my tan, studied a bit, almost finished Lost. I actually accomplished shit on my completely off day, I'm proud haha. I'm still not really sure of what I think of things though. 

Some say now you're in a better place, and I would be too if I could see your face

I dunno, it's just really hitting me this morning I guess. I can't help but feel like my life has gone backwards. 

There was high school and all the shit I went through then. And then there was Jacob heights and I thought that was really good. Obviously we all had some issues, but overall, I was happy there and with how things were. And now I've been back at home, sharing a room with my sister for 7 months now... And at first it was alright, you and I seemed to be really good and I was able to switch between friend groups on the weekends, which was nice. And then it all changed and now today I woke up and just wasn't happy. Which isn't like me. As much as I'm not a morning person, I embrace the new day and even if I don't wake up smiling, I wake up in a decent mood. But not today, today things are hitting me right in the face. I hate it. I'm sure it'll get better, I usually don't feel shit like this for long, but damn it sucks. I almost feel pathetic for counting days and shit, but it does seem to help me put things into perspective and what not. Granted this isn't going to calm me down or anything more than likely. But it's day 2, out of a year. I mean, a year is a long time, but yet anymore it feels so small. Like, it's already may. Where the fuck is the year going? It's frighteningly fast. A year is still a pretty long time though. And it's only day 2. But obviously there has to be an adjustment period. Getting used to things, figuring out new patterns. I dunno, at least my room is almost done. I guess. I keep putting all this pressure almost, on that having my own room will make things better. I'm sure it'll definitely improve things. I'll have my own space, my own room to be proud of and make all pretty. And it's in the basement, away from everyone else. So once it's all set up and awesome, we could probably hang out there. Idk, it really makes me feel backwards to hang out in my room at my parents house, but oh well I guess. Whatever works is gonna be what happens. Cuz I don't really know how things are gonna go with us now. You still say we will hang out soon, and I hope that holds true because I'd really like that. We haven't really gotten a chance to just hang out in a pretty long time. Anymore I'm kinda thinking of moving out next spring. Because also, at this point, I feel like I need to live here for quite a while, because of my room here. It was more or less designed specifically for me so I figure I should live in it for at least about a year. Plus then I'll be coming up on (hopefully) my senior year at school. I want to live on my own I've realized. But the situations aren't right for it. I need to start saving my money again, instead of blowing it all on clothes and food. And like I said, I feel like I've got to stay here for a while now. And I'm sure I'm gonna love my room so that'll be nice. I feel like next spring it'll be a lot more realistic for me to move back out. I dunno, I'm also not opposed to living with someone. Hint hint wink wink. For reals, I'm not gonna hold my breath or plan on it in any way, but if by next spring, things with Miranda didn't really work, I'm guessing I'll still be down to live with you. 

Im gonna end this with this: obviously a lot can happen in the next year, but IF situations are right, let's live together? 

What's wrong with being confident?

I'm gonna miss your place. I genuinely really liked it. It was kinda like a second home to me for a while there. I miss that. 

It's not even like I'm not trying, I just like don't feel the same way about anyone like I do with you. I'll talk to guys and like it'll be good and such but I have a hard time seeing it as being anything more than just friends. Because it's just different with you. And maybe our past has something to do with that but still. I'm trying to give other guys a chance, it's just not really working out so far. 

P.S. Idc how much some one tells me I "don't need to wear make up" I'm gonna fucking slay when I want to. I can be hot with it, I can be totally banging without it, it's just different kinds of attractiveness. Like choosing between contacts and glasses. I look good either way. Make up is just fun and awesome and you bet your ass I'm gonna kill it when I want to. It's basically a hobby and a passion, it's creative and fun. I definitely don't always do my make up but it's just something I like doing most days. Much worse things I could be into. But me, I choose winged eyeliner and a fabulous lip gloss. Get over it, imma do what I want. Boom.