When you're having fun?

Isn't it crazy how time flies. September is already half over and it feels like it's just begun. The weather has even become suddenly very fall-like. But shit this year in general has flown. It's crazy that it's almost 3/4 of the way done already. January doesn't feel like that long ago. 

There's a room in a hotel in New York City that shares our fate and deserves our beauty

Do you ever have nights where all you do is mess shit up so you're just like okay, I need to just go to bed? Because that was me tonight. Holy crap I feel worn out, spent, exhausted. This sleep is about to be amazing. 

On a fairly different note, isn't it crazy that people can kind of grow apart but can snap right back into place like the distance never happened? I wish that would happen with Lorissa but idk, I honestly don't even know if we are really friends anymore. Like that sounds terrible but I haven't talked to her in months. Asides from the occasionally snaps that are just a response, not actually talking. But like she doesn't try at all. Taya and I, we would share funny stuff in the group message, respond to things, try to reach out, but like 85% of the time, she wouldn't so much as send an lol in response. And yeah, I do miss her, I miss how is three stuck together thru high school and made it the best we could. Like the friendship us 3 had was the best part about high school. Those are some of my favorite memories. And I get its different now. But she doesn't even try. She wouldn't even tell us when she was in kato for the weekend. I mean anymore, I feel like we've just given up on trying. Which is sad but it's the truth. No one has said anything in our group message in over a month. And yeah we are all busy and have different schedules but shit dude, it doesn't take that much time or effort to contribute. I used to think we would all be in each other's weddings, and while that's still probably a couple years away from even really being a thing at all, idk if I can even picture that anymore. But like how do you be good friends with someone you see like twice a year. And doesn't text you back. I mean it was fun to see her at tree town, but when are we even going to see her again? Maybe for Christmas? If she even tells us that she's home. It's sad but idk what more I can try to do. She literally completely flaked on me about the Twins game back in May, whenever that was. She just flat out didn't even bother to tell me she couldn't. Or changed her mind. Or whatever actually happened. Oh well I guess. I tried. After that, idk

I just need to go to bed. 

If you need me, I'll be where my reputation don't proceed me

I'm just kinda having one of those times when you just want to hide from the world, ya know?

I also can't help but have a like "this is it, this might actually be the end" moment. 

And I'm just really stressed out. I actually can't wait for school to start so that I don't have to be a work slave anymore. They have me doing all sorts of shit that I did not sign up for. 

I said I wouldn't do it but I did it again

Uffta it's been a while. Not much to say I guess. It's pretty much just been sleep, work, relaxing for a few hours. I mean the nose piercing is new. It's been a week and our store director at work just noticed it today haha. So far I'm liking it. The healing and worrying about bothering it too much and all the cleaning kinda sucks but at least I'm already a week into the 3-4 ish months it'll probably take for it to be all healed up. Though I'm still not exactly sure how you're supposed to know that haha.

Hot tub nights have been good. It's been a while so maybe it's due time for one. Not supposed to while nose is healing but it's not like I'm submerging it and I feel like our hot tub has to be reasonably clean. And I can clean it right away afterwards. 

Tbh kinda already excited for fall. Sweaters and leaves and brisk mornings and warm afternoons and coffee. Fall is just great and it sucks that it's so short. 

You and I were fireworks that went off too soon

I dunno how I'm feeling about things. I feel like I'm torn between feelings haha. Like I'm content with how things are right now. But sometimes I find myself really wishing they were different. It's like I'm happy but idk it's like I want more or something is missing. Which can suck :-) timing also has a lovely way of getting in the way sometimes. I feel like time practically slips away from us sometimes. Tricky schedules lead to maybe next week which is then well maybe next week and they blur by and before you realize it, it's been almost a month. It sucks 

We're the wild ones

Uffta it's been a while. I guess nothing has really changed lately. Asides from vacation, it's kinda been a routine of not all that exciting. I garden, go on walks or get on the treadmill, sit outside or lay out, go to work, watch Netflix. Which is nice, I enjoy all of those things to some extent at least. Weekends are more exciting for sure. I dunno, it's just different to find accomplishment in finishing a tv series, abrupt tan lines, hitting 10,000 steps or more, and taking care of a garden. It's so leisurely haha. I just kinda feel like I want a challenge. Maybe that's why I was all for doing as many hikes as possible while up north. I had a couple days of over 8 miles walked/hiked with a lot of flights of stairs climbed as well. It was honestly great. Love hiking. Love up north. And by that I mainly mean the north shore. It was gorgeous. And honestly I didn't really care that much for Duluth. I liked grand marais much better. It was still neat to see the different geography and such up there. 

But yeah, not much has really changed so there's not that much to say. I'm doing really well most of the time. I dunno I wish we could like talk and hang out more than we do but idk can't do a whole lot about it so it's probably best to not stress over it. People have a way of drifting apart and then coming back together. It's just a matter of circumstance and timing. Every so often we have a moment that like idk rekindles the connection we have. Those are nice 

I'll be your smooth ride, that late night, that Walter white high

Starting to realize how much of an outside person I am. I love being outside, whether it's just having lunch outside or going exploring or hiking or gardening. And combine that with how much I want to travel and see the country, it just makes me really think that I'm probably going into the right field. There really is a lot that can go into geography too, it's not just maps and topography. It's always nice to have a realization moment like this. Makes me feel good I guess. I hope this takes me down some pretty cool paths. 

I gotta whisper cuz I can't be too loud

Me: pulling up my playlist to fall asleep to and thinking yup I'm gonna fall asleep quick tonight. 

Me: as soon as I put down my phone and roll over, brain decides it's a good time to think about all the shit I try to not think about. 

Damn life has really been flying by. Like it's already been 2 years since we graduated. That's crazy. It honestly almost feels like it's been longer than that. Feels like forever since we were in high school and I managed to drag my ass to school by 8 every day. And now it's a good day if I'm out of bed by 9:30, and that's pushing it. But like, 8th grade really was forever ago. What, 7 years ago? Going on 8? Jeeze. We have changed so much since then. But yet I still remember how it all started. I remember feeling giddy talking to you, probably smiling at my phone like a goon. And I remember how it didn't take long at all for us to just know. And wanting to say it but having to wait til thanksgiving break was over so we could say it before school started that morning. We were such babies, but yet I don't think there's like an age limit on feelings. To some extent I suppose, but I think we were old enough to know. 

And now here we are and I really don't know anymore. I really miss you. But if that's not reciprocated, I've just gotta find my own way. Maybe I'm wrong, but I seem to think that I know we could be great if we gave it a real shot. 

And I would be too if I could see your face

And then sometimes it feels like you're just idk stuck. Just still feeling the same things. 

What's worse is when you don't know what you're feeling. 

That don't sound like you

Kinda just over anything hypocritical. Don't say one thing and then do another like wtf. 

Also, just want to make it known that I literally wasn't even going to tell you about my weekend. But you asked. So I said where and then just mentioned I was doing really well at cornhole (because I was) because I figured that was a non controversial thing, I've played it with you before. But no, I then got like idk yelled at to not tell you about my weekend, which you very harshly bashed, basically bashing me in the process. Like wtf. It was so completely unnecessary. I just don't even want to talk to someone who calls my fun weekend, where the worst decision I made was that I didn't buy rain boots ahead of time, these rude things. So if this is really how you want to leave or end things, in about the worst way possible, then fine I guess. Time has finally done me some good. I'm finally getting there. 

Never mind I'll find someone like you

 I keep feeling like I'm talking about things that are old news. Maybe I'm just behind on things. 

Don't underestimate my ability to bitch slap a boy who "tries something" unwelcomed at tree town. Like wtf, where did us "having something good" come from???? We are literally just friends and I feel like I've been trying to signal that. Ugh. Like it actually kinda makes me uncomfortable around him. Because I don't know if he's going to try something or if I'm going to give off the wrong vibes or what. 

But otherwise, this weekend is going to be kick ass. I'm so excited that we are doing this and that it's finally almost here!!

True life, I've kinda been feeling out of sync with my feelings. lol at that sentence and its oxymoron. But like, most of the time I'm in a pretty good mood. Which is good, don't get me wrong. But like it's almost as if I'm just too mellow. Like sure I still get heated bout some things, but other things don't make me feel mad or upset or such when it seems like maybe they should. And I've kinda always had trouble figuring out the whole missing someone feeling. I don't know what I'm really trying to say with this. 

So I've kinda wanted to say this for a while but I wasn't sure how to word it without sounding like a full of myself asshole. But I think I've got it. I think I get along with guys pretty well. Because I feel like boys like me. Like they take to me well. Like they like me. This is where that full of myself asshole bit comes into play. But I dunno, I feel like I can be a bit of a flirt. Which sounds silly to actually say, it actually sounds gross lol. But yeah, at least guys that I somewhat know. I'm not so good with new boys. Which is lame because I want to meet some new boys. My sea needs more fish haha. 

Because while if you were to commit to me tomorrow, and I'd probably take that and run with it, that doesn't seem like it's going to happen anytime soon. Or maybe ever. So it would be nice to find someone new. 

If I could, I would dare, to feed your dreams and starve your fears

So yeah tonight I had a like deep relization of missing you. I'm just sitting in this back seat going wow, I wish it was you back here with me so I could lay my head on your shoulder and just idk enjoy you. Although who are we kidding, you'd be the one driving. And I would get shot gun and I love riding shot gun with you.  Not being back here with Ben who is either just hogging up the space or is like trying to pull something. Either way, hard pass. So yeah it was just a realization that I still do wish it was you. 

Also, every time I go to the cities, I love it. It's great and it makes me think that I could live there some day

I'm hungry

I suppose the timing of this is off, as in I'm a little late. But my Friday the 13th was actually pretty good. And there's a main reason why. And I just want to say that everything about that reason was great. 

Also, just a tip to throw out there, compliment a girl on her make up. Not only are you saying she looks good, but you're also saying she did a good job with her make up. Which is great to hear cuz that shit takes time and skill haha. It's just great haha

Gonna shake off those long week blues

I'm kinda sick of people right now haha. Do not judge me for not having plans for the rest of my day off. Do not just assume I will do things for you. Do not tell me what to do. Do not tell me what I should do. I like making my own decisions. I like to Netflix and chill by myself. This is my life, run by me

Yes I dreamt of you too

Why does nothing make sense right now? I don't know what to dooo. I just don't know. All I really do know is that I wish some things were different. It feels like everything is messy right now. And I think I've kinda just been ignoring the mess instead of dealing with it. Sounds bad but I'm pretty sure it's true. I dunno. Maybe I'll figure it out soon. 

P.S. Moving to my new room this weekend is practically a definite thing at this point! Yay yay yay! The closet needs to be finished up, carpet is getting put down, doors gotta get hung, and outlet covers gotta go on cuz ya know, electrocution. And that's about it. And my dads been doing stuff during the evenings so far this week so that's most excellent. Curious to see how the weekend goes. I feel like moving my shit and setting it up is gonna be a bitch but yet I can't wait and it's gonna look so great when it's done. 

I've got the past

I dunno, I actually ended up having a pretty decent day. Worked on my running, worked on my tan, studied a bit, almost finished Lost. I actually accomplished shit on my completely off day, I'm proud haha. I'm still not really sure of what I think of things though. 

Some say now you're in a better place, and I would be too if I could see your face

I dunno, it's just really hitting me this morning I guess. I can't help but feel like my life has gone backwards. 

There was high school and all the shit I went through then. And then there was Jacob heights and I thought that was really good. Obviously we all had some issues, but overall, I was happy there and with how things were. And now I've been back at home, sharing a room with my sister for 7 months now... And at first it was alright, you and I seemed to be really good and I was able to switch between friend groups on the weekends, which was nice. And then it all changed and now today I woke up and just wasn't happy. Which isn't like me. As much as I'm not a morning person, I embrace the new day and even if I don't wake up smiling, I wake up in a decent mood. But not today, today things are hitting me right in the face. I hate it. I'm sure it'll get better, I usually don't feel shit like this for long, but damn it sucks. I almost feel pathetic for counting days and shit, but it does seem to help me put things into perspective and what not. Granted this isn't going to calm me down or anything more than likely. But it's day 2, out of a year. I mean, a year is a long time, but yet anymore it feels so small. Like, it's already may. Where the fuck is the year going? It's frighteningly fast. A year is still a pretty long time though. And it's only day 2. But obviously there has to be an adjustment period. Getting used to things, figuring out new patterns. I dunno, at least my room is almost done. I guess. I keep putting all this pressure almost, on that having my own room will make things better. I'm sure it'll definitely improve things. I'll have my own space, my own room to be proud of and make all pretty. And it's in the basement, away from everyone else. So once it's all set up and awesome, we could probably hang out there. Idk, it really makes me feel backwards to hang out in my room at my parents house, but oh well I guess. Whatever works is gonna be what happens. Cuz I don't really know how things are gonna go with us now. You still say we will hang out soon, and I hope that holds true because I'd really like that. We haven't really gotten a chance to just hang out in a pretty long time. Anymore I'm kinda thinking of moving out next spring. Because also, at this point, I feel like I need to live here for quite a while, because of my room here. It was more or less designed specifically for me so I figure I should live in it for at least about a year. Plus then I'll be coming up on (hopefully) my senior year at school. I want to live on my own I've realized. But the situations aren't right for it. I need to start saving my money again, instead of blowing it all on clothes and food. And like I said, I feel like I've got to stay here for a while now. And I'm sure I'm gonna love my room so that'll be nice. I feel like next spring it'll be a lot more realistic for me to move back out. I dunno, I'm also not opposed to living with someone. Hint hint wink wink. For reals, I'm not gonna hold my breath or plan on it in any way, but if by next spring, things with Miranda didn't really work, I'm guessing I'll still be down to live with you. 

Im gonna end this with this: obviously a lot can happen in the next year, but IF situations are right, let's live together? 

What's wrong with being confident?

I'm gonna miss your place. I genuinely really liked it. It was kinda like a second home to me for a while there. I miss that. 

It's not even like I'm not trying, I just like don't feel the same way about anyone like I do with you. I'll talk to guys and like it'll be good and such but I have a hard time seeing it as being anything more than just friends. Because it's just different with you. And maybe our past has something to do with that but still. I'm trying to give other guys a chance, it's just not really working out so far. 

P.S. Idc how much some one tells me I "don't need to wear make up" I'm gonna fucking slay when I want to. I can be hot with it, I can be totally banging without it, it's just different kinds of attractiveness. Like choosing between contacts and glasses. I look good either way. Make up is just fun and awesome and you bet your ass I'm gonna kill it when I want to. It's basically a hobby and a passion, it's creative and fun. I definitely don't always do my make up but it's just something I like doing most days. Much worse things I could be into. But me, I choose winged eyeliner and a fabulous lip gloss. Get over it, imma do what I want. Boom. 

Nobody told me

Where's my Prince Charming at though? How cool would it be if we somehow got an obvious like notification that this person is our soul mate? Or even to know if you've already met them or not? Because even that would be cool, to know whether or not you've even met "the one". I sure wish I knew that. But I suppose it can't be that cut and dry, black and white. 

Say it ain't so, I will not go, turn the light off, carry me home

Please tell me how I'm not going to just fade out of your life? Like you said we'd still hang out, but like when? I'm sad that it came up so quickly. All of a sudden it's less than a week away. And I dunno, I'm like sad but yet idk almost accepting? Which I guess is good. Anymore I really do have a hard time with just being bummed out about stuff for a long time. Like it'll suck when I think about it, but once I've started thinking or doing something else, I'm good. Like it's not worth it to be sad about something you can't change, that won't change, that is just going to happen regardless. And like it needs to happen. That sounded weird to say, but that's basically like how things have been since we broke up way back. Things with other people have to take their course, fully and wholly, before we could ever be a thing. And I'm starting to think that there's always going to be someone else or something else that gets in our way. And a few tears fell when I wrote that but like first it was Sena, then you just didn't want a girlfriend, and now there's Miranda. It has yet to be me again. But yet I loved how things were last semester. I thought they were really good. Things obviously weren't perfect but I was happy with it, that's like what I wanted. I still don't get how things changed so much. And now we're here and I'm saying all these things I wouldn't have thought I woulda like 2 months ago. It just really makes me wonder what's gonna happen during the rest of this year. So much has gone down in the first 4 months. So much I had no clue was coming on New Years, when I had truly thought this could be our year. But I mean, there's still 8 months left which is both a long time and not long. So much could happen, and it could fly by. Maybe this is a fool-hearted thing to say, actually it probably is, but I haven't ruled out us being more of a thing again by the end of the year. 

I dunno, my emotions like to play with my mind. 

Also, if you hadn't said that you like hanging out with me, I don't think we would have been friends anymore. Because how do you be friends with someone who answers no when you ask them if they like hanging out with you too? I think it's simple: You don't.

I never would have thought I woulda said something like that about you.

I'd laugh too if my heart would let me

I guess I'm just kinda waiting on you guys moving in to see how things will be like then. I dunno, maybe I should brace myself. Because like, I wanna be friends, I think you wanna be friends, and I think we're pretty good friends, but I just don't get when we are supposed to hang out. It doesn't even have to be just us, I miss Alex and Zach too. But I dunno. If there's hardly time at all for me now... I just have a hard time seeing it doing anything but get less often. Which like sucks because we have fun. But of course it's gonna end up being up to you. 

Btw, congrats. It's getting hard to have feelings for someone who doesn't have them for you back. Kinda wonder if that was a part of your plan. 

But then I remember the realest, best late night conversation I've had in like forever, and that's when it gets me. That's when the feelings all bubble up to the surface again. And I don't want what I think or feel to deter you from doing things with me, that's why I get nervous to say some things. Although I kinda think you haven't looked at this in weeks, if not months.  

I'm really not an ultimatum type of person. Usually I hate that kind of blunt confrontation. But like I can't help but wonder what you think the futures got for us. Friends forever? Friends for a while longer but then we drift apart? Friends who eventually get back together..? And like obviously no one can really predict the future with much accuracy. But I just wonder why you keep me around? Like that sounds terrible, but yeah, what are your intentions? 

I guess I'm just trying to figure out what I want. It used to be really clear cut, I wanted you, I wanted us. But now it's like I don't know. Sure, part of me still does want that. But the other part knows you don't want that, at least for the time being, so it's like what now. I've never even had to like put myself out there before. Since 8th grade, it's pretty much always been you. Which is tragically romantic. Because doesn't that make me seem kinda pathetic now, almost 21 and it's always been just you. I don't know that I'd have it be any other way though. We had a bunch of really great times, with our fair share of bad times, but like that really helped me grow as a person. 

So I think I've come to a conclusion that half of me is still rooting for us, and the other half just wants to meet/be with the right guy for me, whoever that may be. Maybe it's you, maybe it's not. Things will work themselves out sooner or later. 

But you still hit my phone up

I felt like saying something, but now that I've gotten here, idk what to say. I guess I'm just glad we have still been pretty good friends. It's been good, I think. And like it didn't have to be like this, so I'm glad you still want me around, even if it's just as a friend.  

..I love you

Haven't said that in quite a while and idk what I think or how I feel about it. I'd be lying if I said it had nothing to do with the response I get to it anymore. Or rather, the response I don't get. 

Oh anymore

Side note: this warmer weather is making me nostalgic as fuck and I don't like it. I'm laying here, warmer than usual, window open, listening to music, and my thoughts fill of the old house and high school and I get this weird almost gut wrenching feeling. Plz stop. 

Cuz baby you don't sound like you anymore

Why do you have to make your stupid little condescending comments to me? Why are you jumping to conclusions about dinner and then Netflix by myself? You say you don't care but you wouldn't say anything about it if that were true. Like wtf it pisses me off. I thought today was going to be a good day for us too. 

We're buzzing like that no vacancy sign out front

It didn't even take an hour for you to make my day. I had a seriously great time

Carry on my wayward son, there'll be peace when you are done

I think I'm experiencing a quarter-life crisis, haha. If I live to be 80, 20 would be a quarter of my life so that's what I'm calling it. Some days are obviously better than others, but I feel like my life isn't going anywhere and I'm just not really that happy with it. I've lost a lot of my school motivation. And work is just work. And I'm still figuring things out with us. I dunno, I think what's making it more difficult than other semesters is my situation at home. I get along with my family almost all the time but seriously, not having my own room is this constant source of frustration anymore. Apparently it's really close to being done. But that still means like 2 or 3 weeks. If I'm lucky. It's exhausting not having your own space, anywhere to just be alone, anywhere to put your stuff. Can't wait for it to be finally done.

And I'm not saying I'm like this super unhappy person, I'm just really stressed. I still enjoy things. Wednesday night was great. Sunday shopping was pretty great. By far the most successful shopping trip I've had in like forever. Which is in good part due to the fact that I had $150 worth of rewards and coupons to VS. And there was some pretty good deals. Everything I got that day ended up costing me like $105 total so the damage wasn't even that bad. And it's fun to get new clothes so that was a great stress reliever day. 

Drifting like my mind into the rear view, jet trails cutting across the sky

Walking in Minneapolis, I really liked it. Like I was actually thinking maybe I'll live there sometime in the future. Because I loved that feeling of being in the cities. But yet, as I was walking briskly through the lovely Minnesotan 26 degrees in April, I found myself wishing you were there with me. Laughing about something or other, sharing a smile. I dunno, I just had to be honest. There's still so many things I want to experience with you by my side.

P.S. Bonus points if you caught the chandler bing reference last post. Gum would be perfection haha. Going thru Friends withdrawal.

That was really honestly amazing though. I couldn't have asked for anything better than to just sit and really talk about anything 

When your phone rings after midnight and you're thinken maybe it's me

It's really nice to just sit and talk. That was perfection

You never planned on the bombs in the sand

They always say that if someone wants to be in your life, they will make the effort to do so. 

And I appreciate the talking. It's always nice. But like I can't just never see you. Like I get your reasoning and I probably sound like a lameo but.. How can friends that live 10 minutes from each other go weeks on end without seeing each other. But yet you can't make any time for me. Which I do kinda get but yet I also don't. That night with the casino, you said we'd hang out Sunday and have quality time. And when Sunday came and you backed out, you promised you'd make it up to me. But it's been six weeks. I haven't seen you for more than maybe an hour at once since then. I wasn't even allowed to take you out for lunch for your birthday. How can you promise we will still hang out and then not follow through with it? Like I get you're busy. But I haven't even seen you at all in almost 3 weeks. That's a long freaking time. And Ik you say that come May, we'll still see each other. Or at least that we won't never see each other. But I feel like we already hardly ever see each other, since the new year, and especially since things changed. I long for the Jacob heights days. I honestly do. I long for the beginning of fall semester too. When we were all motivated and saw each other almost every day. I thought that was great. But i guess it expired. School, killing time between classes, just chilling and watching tv and eating, all of that was so much better with you. Those mundane things were nice. But I wish we coulda changed the pace more. Idk that sounds weird. But like done more than just Netflix and chill. :P. I mean maybe this idea has long since expired but I would have let you teach me to ski. I say let because it scares me :P or when you joined the gym, I was actually really eager to join you. Coulda been my 5k buddy, you're probably a better runner than I am too. Or I wish we could have gone to Duluth or somewhere, even as a day trip. I wanted to do all sorts of fun, different things with you. But I can't help but feel like that's come and gone. You don't have time for me anymore. That one stung. 

I dunno, I guess I just kinda wonder what your reason is for still talking to me so much? Do you do it just for my sake?  Do you really want to be my friend? Do you want to keep me around for if things don't work out? Like honestly, do you think things for us are over, for good, or do you still think there's a chance for us down the road? Because I don't know. 

In a melody of tears while the rhythm of the rain keeps time

I'm getting so done with things. I'm so done with not having my own room. It's been 6 fucking months, and it's still probably gonna be another month. If I had known it was gonna be this long, I would have found somewhere else to live for a while. This is the worst. 

I'm so done with school. There's only a month left and it's gonna be a struggle to get myself to push through it and finish strong. I'm just so done, my mind is ready to check out. Like its so bad I'm actually somewhat considering taking a semester off. Because oofta. 

I'm so done with work. I've come up on my 3 year anniversary with that place but damn. I'm definitely going through those thoughts of quitting again. It would just be nice to occasionally be shown appreciation for all I do, ya know? I don't need a constant pat on the back by any means but I don't know that I've ever really had anyone in upper management tell me I'm doing a good job. And that just kinda wears on  me. It's definitely true that people don't quit jobs, they quit bosses/managers. And I mean the assistants are great and the rest of my like "peers" of coworkers are good too. It's the uppers that make me feel like quitting. Except for store director, him and I are cool. So yeah. Will I end up quitting? Probably not, but I want to. 

So basically I can't wait for May (in most aspects). Hopefully I'll get my room then, school will be done, and I'm not sure how much I'll be working cuz of everything going on. Just gotta tough it out

My heart, you ain't gotta steal it

You know, I wasn't going to be surprised if we didn't talk at all today, after what I said. Actually, right around the time I was really thinking it was a strong possibility, that's when you texted. You were thinking of me. Realistically, you were probably going thru texts and saw our convo but i mean you didn't have to respond. But you did. And that doesn't really mean anything like as far as us but it's one of those little things that are nice. Idk that probably didn't come out right so hopefully you know what I mean. 

You should be here, standing with your arm around me here

It's still just you. I miss you sober, I almost miss you more when I'm drunk. Maybe that's why I've been avoiding it lately. I miss you mixing me great drinks, I miss sharing them with you, I miss the flirting, the ass grabs, the intense eye contact. I miss knowing I would get you to myself at the end of the night. It's all still just you. I close my eyes and you're there. I'm walking around campus, at work, driving almost anywhere in this town, etc, and you're flashing in my mind. I go to sleep, I either dream of you or don't dream at all. I'm with people, I laugh and once it settles, you creep back into my thoughts. I'm alone and the thoughts are almost smothering. And I don't know how to make it stop. It's still just you. And I don't know how to make it stop. I don't know how to stop loving you. They say time makes it easier. "Time heals all wounds". But it's been over a month and it's still just you. How long will it still be just you? I love you, forever and always. When does that change?

I should be a poet with this kind of melodramatic prose just spilling from my mind. It's all true though.

I'm still alive but I'm barely breathing

You know, when we spent New Years together, it was really great. We started off the year good together and I was thinking 2016 would be a really good year for us. But yet not even 3 full months in, and I have no idea how we got here. Things really do change in the blink of an eye. If I had known that that night after the casino was going to quite possibly going to be the last chance to really spend time together, I woulda fucking jumped right on it. But I had no idea what was coming. 

You know if I had just one wish

Welcome to my mind, where it likes to create scenarios that have about a 90% chance of never happening. Take a seat and maybe enjoy the ride. 

So tonight's thought sequence goes like this: what happens say 2 years from now? We haven't talked in about 1 and a half years. Maybe things have just ended with Miranda or maybe you're just thinking of me. And you want to see how I'm doing but maybe you want to "scope the scene" for lack of a better term. So you wonder if I've been on here recently. And you check. And the most recent post is about how I've gone around in circles but still end up back in a spot of wanting to try again with you. But we haven't talked in a year and a half and I assume that it's all just staying in the past. So I've decided to move half way across the country once I've graduated and such. I mean pretty much anywhere is halfway across the U.S. from here. I haven't gotten a damn thing finalized yet but I think it would be really good for me to have a fresh start somewhere new, without ghosts of you everywhere. But I still think of you all the time. And you see all that. So what happens next? Do you say something? Do I end up staying? Probably not, by the sounds of things. And end

This is one of those moments that's got your name written all over it

Lol ya know what, imma pat myself on the back. For crying way too many tears but still being fine. For dying a little bit on the inside but smiling and cracking jokes on the outside. For still being able to look in the mirror and genuinely like what I see. For going through a personal hell but still keeping going instead of giving up. For hating situations instead of myself. I'm proud of being strong but also sad that I've had so many strengthening experiences. Like its great to be strong but it sucks to have your heart broken more than once, by the same guy. It's great to be able to wake up every morning and see it as a fresh start, even after breaking down the night before. Every morning and every day is a new chance for great things to happen. Maybe one day you'll come back to me. And maybe that day will never come. And I have no idea which one is more likely. 

I simultaneously want to see you and really spend time with you and have a great time and just not talk for quite a while. I don't know which is the better option. 

Happy Birthday btw

Just down tonight. 

I miss being your girl. Even when we weren't actually dating, it was still just like idk understood that I was yours. If that makes sense. 

I miss drinking with you. I miss watching breaking bad. I miss going to bed with you after crazy nights and waking up with you and just bumming around for a while before returning back to the "real world" and responsibilities. I miss you complimenting me. I miss the ass slaps in the hallway. I miss hanging out at the bridge. I miss our scary movie habit. I miss coming over and having dinner with you and your family.

Damn I was awkward as hell back then. I mean I'm still kinda awkward but I like to think I've got some charm as well. Still can't help but wish for another chance. To do it all again. Not redo the past, just a chance to do that stuff again. As adults. Growing up with you by my side was great. But we were kids. I've only recently really started to feel like an adult. I mean by recently I mean like a year and a half probably. But like I want a grown up chance. Not to say it wasn't serious before, because it was, but yeah. Maybe I was dumb but I really did see myself marrying you. I thought you were it. Now I don't know. I mean how can you be it when things are like this. But just a couple months ago, things weren't like this. So who knows. I'll keep a chance wide open for you. Maybe someday. They always say that if you love someone, you'll let them go. And if it's true love, they'll come back to you. And I mean yeah, but sometimes life just gets in the way. Things are rarely black and white, right and wrong. I would give anything to know if you are right or wrong for me. But for now I'm stuck in the gray. And it's like I'm simultaneously forgetting you and remembering everything about you and us. 

I still remember your 16th birthday. It was kinda cool and rainy. We went up to St. Peter to the park and took a little walk. That was nice. I feel kinda shitty for not really remembering the other birthdays. I think the others were more casual. The usual kind sweet text and maybe going out to eat. Memories tend to start to blur together

I can't promise you forever but I still want you to come over

Why do I have this awful feeling that an end is coming soon?

I dunno the nights get hard. I just, I dunno. 

I don't want to get phased out of your life but I can't help but wonder if that's going to be what happens. Unintentionally sure, but life has a way of doing stuff like that.

It crushes me to think like this and I know that I shouldn't but like I can't help but wonder if this'll be the last birthday of yours that I'll get to like actually celebrate with you, I mean if I even get to do that this year. Or if it'll be an obligatory text for a year or two and then nothing. Like I know that's terrible to say. But that's where my mind wanders sometime. I never thought we'd get to that point but now it doesn't seem so unrealistic. But just know that I don't want that. I don't want us to drift apart like that. But idk maybe we should. God that sounds terrible but like where do you see things going with us? I can't help but think this is where we drift. While Miranda and you are a thing. And if/when you aren't, then we could maybe dive back in? I dunno it's crazy but I have this romantic notion that we will drift and then if/when things don't work out, we will start to talk a lot again and get closer and you'll fall right back in love with me again. And maybe I've said too much but what else is new

She wasn't a once upon a time

Hi yes, how does one become not their own worst enemy? 

Do you ever have one of those days where nothing goes your way? You just have bad luck all day. Me today. Like I've said, I rarely have bad days but damn this one was a doozy. And most of it was all my fault, I was just too dumb. Which ya know makes it worse. But hopefully tomorrow is better

at least it wasn't for good

Shoulda just called you whiskey

It feels like it's been forever since things changed

It feels like I'm forgetting what things used to be like 

Nobody knew how much she blamed herself

I was really starting to feel the distance between us. 

But all it took was one little kinda caring thing to bring me back. 

Which kinda sounds lame, but it's true. I was feeling significantly worse before that was said

It's so cold out here, in your wilderness

 Ya know, honestly, part of me was wondering if I was loving you out of habit. And maybe since the new year, that's been kinda true sometimes. Loving you because that's what I'm used to. But then I remember how I would smile stupidly at my phone when you'd send me a smiley face or how my heart would skip a beat when I would see that you're calling me. And I know that that isn't out of habit, that was real emotion. We'd be fools if we didn't think that time and space can affect things. But I know that you still give me butterflies. We can fall into patterns and habits, I know that. But you still can give me those warm fuzzy giddy feelings, but only really when things are reciprocated... It's hard to love someone who doesn't love you back

With the lips of an angel

Don't ask me how I am because I don't know. I can't tell what I'm feeling and what I'm hiding. 

But I miss you. It's already been 2 weeks since I've seen you, and I don't know how long it'll be until I see you again. I just want things to be okay, to stop being weird 

It's hard to say I love you but it's harder to say I don't

And then today was actually quite good 

Only know you love her when you let her go, and you let her go

Do you just want me to give up completely on us? I feel like the answer is yes. And ya know, 2 weeks ago, hell even 1 week ago, I really didn't think that was possible for me to do. But yet here I am, feeling like I have no choice but to give up. And I really don't want to because I'm stubborn as hell. But idk. It's like even talking to me is too much. And like it sucks, because I know you're still in there. Under the cold shoulder, it's still you. And so obviously I want to crack that shell and idk, have things be like before honestly. I mean we can leave out the coupley stuff and whatever, but like just talk to me. And you said we would still hang out. You promised even. And I believe you meant it. But I dunno, there hasn't been much effort. And I mean yes, you've been working like all the time. So there's that. I guess my question right now is how much do I give up on. Because you're doing a pretty good job of pushing me away. Which hurts. It kills me inside. But I have no choice but to deal. 

My biggest question is what if you keep pushing me away, and the distance between us starts to become extensive, and then you realize it, I'm gone, and in that moment, you feel like you've made a mistake. What then? Because I feel like that could happen. I've always been here and said I always will be. So what happens if that goes away? You lose the security of my constantness. I don't want you to ever feel like you can't randomly text me and tell me crazy things like that. Even if we haven't talked in weeks, I'll always listen. Wow it pained me to say haven't talked in weeks. But I dunno, at this rate, I can't help but feel like we are going to start to talk less and less. Unless you start giving us being friends a better chance. Which like sucks, I never thought this would happen. But I'm getting better at not telling you every story or funny thing right away. Much less double texting. Much more waiting for a response first. Silence speaks volumes. 

I don't want to drift further apart. But I'm not sure if you're giving me an option. 

He said I wanna see you again, but I'm stuck in colder weather, maybe tomorrow will be better, can I call you then?

I can't tell if I'm accepting or denying

Maybe some of both

Because I'm pretty fine, I'll laugh at things, enjoy moments, I'm fine. Until I'm not. Once I break, I'm really not fine, thinking about all the things it seems like are going away. Because it's not just you. While obviously that's the big one, it's the weekend nights I spent over there too. Hanging out with every one there. It's giving up on all the things I thought we could do in the upcoming months. Because apparently now baseball games may be too much. 

And ya know, with Sena, at least it was someone I didn't know. But see I was actually starting to really like Miranda and wanted to be friends with her. Like the girl has seen me cry, and that's not something I just do. But I guess you were starting to like her more too. And now I don't know if I'll ever be in a good place with her. It's not like I hate her, I just, idk. It's not her fault and I hate that it has to be this way. But I just can't, at least not now. We will have to see what the future holds I guess. 

But clearly I'm still hurting, no matter how much I try to pretend I'm okay. 

Side note, Colder Weather by Zac Brown Band. If you've ever wondered. Probably my all time favorite song

May is still a couple months away but that's going to be a good month. Finish the semester, go to the North Shore, quite possibly go to a couple Twins games, and then Tree Town. Eventful, fun, full of things I love. I just wish it were sooner, but yet it'll be here soon enough. 

Everything I need, and nothing that I don't

Ya know, and I don't necessarily mean this in a bad way, but I think 2014 was my best year yet. So many fun events that year and it was overall a happy year. I was happy for most of it. I mean senior jobs, New York, senior prom, graduation while sitting next to my best friend, Virginia beach vacation, move in, all the fun times we had together. That year was fun thing after fun thing and we were really good that year. 

2015 wasn't a bad year. It just wasn't overly eventful and had its ups and downs. Moving back in with my family was probably the biggy. And it's now been 5 months and I still don't have my own freaking room and I'm so ready for that. 

And I don't know what to think of what 2016 will be like. So far, hasn't been that great. Had some pretty good days and a couple really good days. But now there's been a growing string of not so good days. So 2 months in, this year is just ok. Which isn't to say that I don't hope and think that things can get better from here. I mean we have gotten through tough things before and I don't have any doubts that we can get back to great, as long as we both want that. It will just take some time. And for now, I really am good with just friends. There's really no other way for it to be besides not even friends and I don't want that. I hope you don't want that either. I think friends is a good place for us for the time being. And by the end of the year, we will either be in a better place together, or we will have drifted farther apart. It can go either way and it's just going to happen. But I'm really starting to understand that we can't be what I want right now. Maybe someday, but not now. So friends would be great because that's better than losing you completely. 

As far as other possible predictions, goals, hopes, etc for 2016, I hope it gets happier from here. I want it to be a good year. Still 10 whole months to go. I want to find myself more and keep working towards goals. I want to take more time for art. I want to get back to having hobbies other than Netflix haha. I want to take more pictures and see more things. I think that maybe by the end of the year I'll also possibly have my own place. The thought still kinda scares me but it would be nice to have my own space again, away from family. This goal or whatever will probably have to get an update after I have my own room again, but I'm not sure how much it'll change. Maybe I'll just push it back into spring 2017. Because having my own place is definitely different than having my own room and I want that freedom again. Not that living here has many rules and restrictions, but it would be nice to do whatever I want whenever I want again. Be alone. Have people over, have certain special people over. I miss that freedom, and the fact that no one was there judging my decisions. Ik my parents trust me and allow it and such but I get shit if I'm leaving after like 10:30. And clearly, for me, leaving after that isn't a big deal since I'm up til 1 to 2 most nights anyways. I miss late night shenanigans. And other late night things, if you know what I mean :P

So yeah, hoping for a good year. It started off with a great day with you and has kinda been downhill since. But like I said, 10 months left for a great upswing.

And as for a more so current update, today was better. Talking to you was quite nice and reassured me that things will get better. But I can tell you still need some space. And I'm trying to prove I can back off. It'll just take some time for me to really get the hang of it. But I'm trying

Goodbye changes everything

So in hindsight, that was dumb, I was dumb. I just still want to talk to you and couldn't see that I was being destructive. 

And so I hope this space works out for the better. I'm glad I'm able to show you that I'm not always a crazy lady :P it's just hard not knowing how long it'll be. I've kinda given up on it being today. Which sucks, because earlier when I saw you messaged, I got a little excited. But yeah. And that's okay, this will be good for me too, I think. But at this point, I'm kinda wondering about it in a timeline of days and not hours. But who knows, maybe I'll wake up to a message. Not getting my hopes up though. 

So goodnight, sweet dreams, love you. You have no idea how much I want to actually say that to you. 

Honestly, I don't know why I keep coming back to this general topic. Probably partly because I want you to be happy and successful and partly because I want to see you more often again. But anyways, I hope you go back to school in the fall. Even if you decide not to do aviation, I think you could be good at business management or something similar. You said you liked Econ and you're really good at speaking in front of people and enjoy that too. I see there being multiple options for you. And I still want to help you get there. Like I'll even take college algebra with you, haha. 

So I have yet to say anything about this to anyone, but depending on how things are, I think that after graduation, I may look for a job elsewhere. Get out of south central MN. As much as I love it here, if there isn't anything, more specifically anyone, keeping me here, I think it would be a good time for me to leave. Probably not permanently, but at least for a while. I didn't move away for college and part of me regrets that. But the other part, the main part, has loved living with and remaining close to my 2 best friends. And it would be hard to leave my home, but it might be an experience I'll need. I see my history, and almost more importantly, our history, everywhere in this town. So basically, if we aren't a thing, and I haven't found someone else here, in 2 years, I'll strongly consider jobs elsewhere. But that's still 2 years out, and clearly a lot can change in 2 years. Even 1 year seems to change a lot. You probably don't remember this, but almost exactly a year ago, you said some of the sweetest things to me. Less than 2 years ago you said when you're comfortable, you'd try to propose on a Saturday. So where is the next 2 years going to take us?

And now it's leap day. An extra day. And I would love to spend it happy with you. But we shall see

God damn I miss those great moments. 

I gotta light this town on fire or leave

Ya know, you are still all I want, trust me when I say that. But I'm going to start thinking about you and caring a little less every day. Until I get to the point where I can treat you the same crappy way you treat me. At least I'm gonna try. Because I don't deserve to be ignored by someone who is on their phone most of the time, except when working. Especially when I'm still giving my all, but yet most of the time I'm just trying to talk to my best friend. But I just get ignored. I'm just saying, the "I'm busy" excuse doesn't work when you snap back but don't text back. 

At least I'm gonna try, or maybe just pretend. Because I still see you all around me. I still can't get you off my mind. You're stuck there. I can't just move on. And that's the shitty part. I'm getting left behind but don't seem to be able to move forward myself. They say time heals all wounds, and I mean it's only been a week, but I've never been able to move on from you. That's my burden

I very well might regret all this in the morning, but right now, I'm mad.

But just like that, I really don't know that I'll be able to do that. Care less. I'll always care so much. Too much. That's just who I am. I care too much, and I'm too stubborn. I can't just give up on something, and especially not on someone I really care about. And especially not on you. 

So maybe the days will get easier. Or maybe I'll just have to pretend that they are.  

When the city goes silent, the ringing in my ears gets violent

I miss having school with you. And playing pool between classes and taking tests together and getting food after night class. You were just a nice ray of sunshine. 

You're also by far my favorite person to drink with. It just... Isn't nearly as fun when you aren't there to flirt with and share drinks. So no worries about me drinking too much now. At least until I'm actually 21. Then who knows

There's just a list of things that were better with you 

And I dunno, you're really the only one I can be fully vulnerable with. Like most people in my life have no idea what I'm actually going through. I keep up the happy girl vibe that I hope I give off. And that's probably why you keep getting too many double texts and missing yous and random snaps and such. Because come on, you're one of my very best friends. So I'm honest and open with you, sometimes painstakingly so. 

I really am trying. But it's gotta be all about the baby steps with me. And I mean it hasn't even been a week. 

And I'm not really sure why, but I've quite frankly almost become like passionate about you and flying. Like I want that so bad for you. Because obviously I still just want you to be happy. I just want myself to be happy too. But otherwise, I just seem to really want that for you, for you to be able to fufill your dream. Because you deserve it. 

I hope to see you soon. 

Sending SOS from this tiny box

The past couple days have been better. I haven't returned to my fully normal self yet, but hey, progress. I've been mostly fine but then I have a nightly breakdown. So it's all definitely still affecting me. I'm just really pretty good at acting like everything is good. Literally had this convo with Shawn at work. Apparently the other cs girl got idk dumped by this guy she was like seeing but not dating and he is married. And so she was literally balling at work yesterday, so he says at least. Like at least I've learned to drop my life at the door and be a good employee. Even when I'm internally down, when people ask me how I am at work, I still joyfully say I'm good. And those are always the moments where it kinda hits me, I realize I've lied and I'm not really good. But it's work. It's cs. I have to be that helpful smile and I've gotten damn good at perfecting my customer personality. Because there's a difference. We talk about having a customer voice, well I think a customer personality is a thing too. And I dunno, it is kinda nice to kinda be known for always being upbeat and such. 

So I'm mostly fine. And then I go to shower before bed and the tears come. It's still not so bad, just a good release of emotions. 

I appreciate you still being my friend. 

We both know we ain't kids no more

Okay okay. So I think I'm finally coming to the realization and acceptance that this is going to have to be something that I throw out into the universe and let things happen and see if we come back together. It's really out of my hands. You've made it clear I can't change your mind. So I just have to trust that things will be okay, whatever that means for me. I guess in a way I should just be glad that you still want to be friends with me. Completely losing you would be unbearable entirely. Be proud that I've already come this far. 

It's always the hard times that I lean back onto faith. And like I kinda feel bad, like you should celebrate your faith all the time, not just when you're in trouble. But here I am, turning to God and trusting He's got everything under control. Because what else can I do? I find a lot more strength in knowing He has a plan. God only gives us what we can handle. And everything happens for a reason. So while His plan isn't often clear while it's happening, when it comes time to look back on this, hopefully it will make more sense. 

Ya know, I go back and forth between being fine for quite a while and then being not fine. And like our minds like to play tricks on us so it makes me wonder, am I actually fine? Or am I not dealing with my emotions as I should, as if my brain is ignoring it, pretending it didn't happen to save the hurt. I guess to keep from going crazy, I have to tell myself you can be happy even when you are sad. If that makes sense? Rays of sunshine in the storm.  You were my ray of sunshine on cloudy days. 

When you're sad, it's hard to not keep looking back on happy moments and holding onto them tight. 

I still remember the first sleepover we had. That's the one that keeps coming to mind this evening 

You feel so low that you can't feel anything at all

There keeps being ups and downs. Like my last post was the good before the storm I guess you could say. We were good and having a nice convo and then it went back to us. Okay sure, I'm afraid of being alone and losing you because I thought you and I were it. I'm scared you were the one for me and I'll never love again. Say what you want but there's still something there that's worth exploring. I just don't get how things went so far downhill so fast. We were literally so good not that long ago. Don't try to convince yourself that it's time to just cut us off. Don't let space and being busy get in the way. We have been good and we have loved in the moment. It's not just residual feelings from long ago. 

This morning has been rough. I hope I don't feel like this for long. Because I am showing straight up signs of depression. Loss of appetite, loss of interest in things I previously really enjoyed, loss of motivation, feeling empty. There's a difference between situational depression from reacting to something and then actually being long term depressed. And I am 100% not saying this to make you feel bad. No no. I'm saying this because I feel like my best friends can know about it. Because I'm scared of feeling like this. It's awful. It sucks the joy right out of living. But don't worry, I'm going to keep pushing through it. I just wish it was easier. That emotions really did work on a switch. 

Get the butterflies like we still got our innocence

You know how feeling warm and fuzzy inside is a thing? Well I think the opposite is true. A cold icy feeling right in the center of my chest. 

I feel like I have things to say but then my mind goes blank and the words don't come. It's actually almost like my brain stops me from thinking about it. Because I can talk about other things just fine. And I've really enjoyed talking about other things. I dunno, if anything, this has made me want to talk about things now, not to save them for a different day. It's been dumb of me to just have small talk when I have other things I could say, we could have had actual conversations. About things that matter more than talking just to talk. Maybe that's part of where things went wrong. A lot of it got to be just talking to talk. Which I mean is nice but there isn't much connection there. 

I quite enjoy talking things through with myself haha. I figure things out and make sense of things.

Where did it go wrong

Days when it's too cloudy to see the sunset suck. Missing out on so much beauty

Sleeping space

Soo maybe not the most appropriate thing to do right now but I think you're sleeping and don't need to be assaulted with messages so here I am. 

Okay so honestly, I was just asking because I was just wondering. I didn't mean you had to read this right away, just wondering if you still look at it once in a while. But it was probably dumb to not think you'd read it. I'm sorry, that wasn't my intention. Things get pretty emotional here and I probably say things I shouldn't some times. So like what upset you? I'm dying to find out what it was. Because yeah. I'm sorry

Also, what was the purpose of sending me a snap at like 2:45 in the morning saying you are still up? I had long since been asleep. So like why? Wanting to talk? Wanting to rub it in my face? Trying to make a point? I dunno. 

So I hope you wake up soon so we can figure this all out. 

Funny, there you are now. Great timing haha :P

But he's a headin west

Well today was definitely better than yesterday. Very minimal crying today. The impact and shock is always the worst part. But then questions get answered and you can start to come to terms with things. Don't get me wrong, it still sucks, a lot. But I'll get through it, I always do. 

I just still can't help but think that the feelings haven't gone away, you've just shoved them to the back of your mind and ignored them. Feelings don't just go away in a couple weeks. And I feel like feelings are the most real when you're actually with the person and we haven't had a lot of that lately. Which has to be a contributing factor. And i guess correct me if I'm wrong, which you haven't yet, but things had been good when we were together. Brief, but workable. Feelings were still there. So it would have been great to get a real chance there. To spend quality time together and be connected. Because we had mostly just been having lunch together, a couple hours max. Which wasn't ideal at all but it was doable. 

And whether you believe this or not, I do get wanting to give someone an honest chance. I get it, and I get that I'd be in the way of that. So I think it was easier for your brain to convince you the feelings just went away. But after like 6 years of not really being able to stay away from each other, how can a couple weeks change that? 

And sure, maybe this time will be different, but I have gotten this we're just friends speech before. And yes it was taken seriously for a while but it didn't last. So no offense, but how am I supposed to think this time will be different? Maybe you'll stick to it for quite a while but I believe in our love and that it'll come back around. Stifling feelings is never a good thing. They always come out in some way, sooner or later. 

And you said we could have an honest chance after this. And how can someone with no feelings say that? I don't think they can. Ik I've told you already but we really deserve an honest chance of our own. There's gotta be a reason we have been kinda us for so long. So I think it could go really great. I do think we would be great. And if we aren't, at least there would be closure. At least we would have given us a real chance. 

And seriously, I'm not trying to wait around. I just haven't found anyone else I would want to be with. Which does also suck

I know I'm bad news

I dunno, I guess I'm still kinda in shock with it all. Things had been on the up swing for us, so I thought at least. I've seen things on like Twitter and stuff about people's feelings pretty much suddenly changing and that being their worst fear. And ya know, I never thought that was going to happen to me. But yet here I am. And yeah a couple weeks is longer than a couple days, but in the scope of we've loved each other since '09, like that's such a short amount of time. I can't help but think it's temporary, like its situational. I'm not trying to say your feelings are wrong, I'm just saying I feel like you came to this conclusion pretty quickly and didn't even give me a chance. I've noticed that you are some one that once you get an idea in your head, you really stick to it. That's just how you are and it's not really a bad thing. But like you even said, it probably has a great deal to do with the distance lately. You're always so busy and don't have much spare time. And obviously I'm proud of you for working so hard. But I didn't realize it was enough to really change things. 

And it hurts so much. I hate feeling like this, all broken and lost, and I hate admitting it just as much. But I don't know what to do with myself. 

And don't try to tell me I've moved on. Because if I had, I woulda taken the opportunities of the boys that like me.  

I guess more than anything, I'm confused. Like what now? You say we're "just friends" but wasn't that what you called us before? I'm just confused about a lot of it. And it's not fair to "stop" your feelings for me. You aren't supposed to fight feelings. 

I'm honestly not really sure what to expect when we hang out later. Like I want it to be everything I said, but I'm still trying to figure out how to get over this weirdness that will probably be there. I want nothing more than to reconnect and lay in bed and talk about hopes and dreams and silly stuff until we fall asleep

And I'm trying to forget that I'm addicted to you

I think I've been getting pretty lonely lately, more often than usual. And it just kinda puts a damper on everything. It's a sucky thing, to want to talk to someone and tell them about your day and just all the little things, but you can't even get a text back so you can tell them the big things. But I can't seem to just give up and I feel like I'm starting to make a fool of myself for trying when it's not being reciprocated. And sure, I guess there's some benefit of doubt, you've been working a lot lately and our schedules don't line up as often anymore, but it really doesn't take much just to at least check up every day. Or say you're going to be busy. Or anything really. Especially since you take the time for other people. So yeah, I'm an idiot for trying anymore. Because I mean if someone wants to see you and talk to you, they will, right? I mean that's why I try, because I want to talk and hang out and all that. But God damn you couldn't even be bothered to tell me how your big interview went. So guess what, I don't really care anymore. I tried, I was ignored, so fuck that. Sorry for caring about your life. 

I'm emotional, mad, hurt, sad, lonely, frustrated and just about everything in between. And maybe I'm saying too much. But does it really matter? You probably don't even read this anymore so whatever. And if you do, maybe let me know. 

And I guess for what it's worth, I am willing to save this friendship/relationship if you want it to be saved. Saving it sounds like such a drastic thing, but like you haven't talked to me in over what like 30+ hours now and this isn't an uncommon occurrence really anymore. And maybe you have a reason for it, I'm sure you probably do, but like can I at least be told what it is? Like, this sucks, and you know that it sucks but yet here we are. And when we do see each other for a couple hours, it really is like nothing much has changed so that's great. But I can't deal with being ignored for whole days at a time with no explanation, just a vanishing act. That's not fair to me, at all. 

And even after all that, God I'm scared that this is the end. That's my biggest fear in all this. That you've decided that this is just it for us. No more, done. Scares the shit out of me because you're one of my very best friends. 

All brought to you courtesy of the red, white, and blue

I should start off with that I absolutely don't mean to offend anyone or anything, I'm just thinking aloud. 

You know, in high school, I always thought that we would all go to college and we'd be poor but we would make it and all graduate and such. That's just what I always thought but the past year has really changed that. It's sucked to see money hold my friends back from continuing college. I mean I'm the only one of the Jacob heights family still going. Which isn't necessarily a bad thing, you guys have all been really quite successful in your jobs. And that's really great too. It's just that the "American Dream" to me always meant high school, college, degree, job and that's kinda going away. Our education system is really messed up when money is the reason so many smart, passionate people aren't able to follow through with getting a degree. That's so not okay. 

And like I wish I could help you afford your dream and get a two bedroom and split those costs and such. But that's not really my decision or my invitation to make so I should probably stop talking about it. Maybe by fall semester something like that could work? I don't really know what any of your plans are though. I just don't want to see you give up your dream for good 

Honey don't act so surprised

It's pretty nice to start to feel motivated to finish school and graduate. It's still a ways away, but I feel like it's finally within reach, like I can actually see the light at the end of the tunnel. Still not really sure what I'll do with this degree but I'll figure that out eventually haha..

Side note, kinda ready for winter to be over 

Girl you're on fire, out in the dark, wrapped up in the stars

Ya know, today was actually a pretty good day. I was in a good mood like all day. Which was weird because the today's activities themselves kinda sucked. But I was happy almost the whole time. Like I said, it was weird, but that's okay because it was also really nice. ...it's also really nice to be actually excited for school. I like at least some aspect of all my classes. Idc if this sounds lame but I got really excited to find out that there is a legitimate, geographic reason why storms seem to go around Mankato. It was so cool to learn something that is applicable right here. It just feels good to feel like I'm doing what I should be, finally. 

I hope I don't run outta time

I know they say that your sense of smell is the one mostly strongly connected to your memories. It's crazy to actually like realize that and experience though. One whiff of an old perfume can take you straight back to that time period. Or one candle can remind you of a certain place. I have this one candle that for what ever reason, takes me straight back to Virginia beach. That's what it smells like to me. I'm not sure why this is the topic of choice tonight but oh well. 

At least I can say that I tried

I'm glad I put myself out there with you like I do. I'd rather say cheesy things and sometimes sound stupid than to hold stuff in. I would rather say too much than not enough because I'd regret it. I try to love whole heartedly because life's to short to not. I don't want to regret not trying my best. If someday we are no longer a part of each other's lives, (which I mean I hope never happens but you never know) I want to be able to say that I did all that I could and put my best into things. So yeah those are my deep thoughts for the evening

Just as I am

I really really miss having my own room and my own space and the privacy that comes with that. Like if I just need to release some emotion, there's really no where for me to go. Maybe that's why I've been liking baths and long drives lately. It's time where I am just by myself and can enjoy that. It's definitely starting to really take a toll

Am I more than you bargained for yet?

I dunno, it's just kinda sucked lately. I've seen you once in the past like almost 3 weeks now. And it's started to seem like the more I miss you, the less you miss me. And maybe that isn't the case and you're just busy with other things and I've accidentally fallen into the cracks but yeah. Idk I want to see you more often, but it has to be reciprocated, so if it isn't, let me know. Cuz I'll back off real quick because there's not much worse than putting effort and emotion into someone who doesn't want the same thing. 

Also really sucks that I asked you a while back about getting a 2 bedroom this spring and once again you asked someone else instead. Kinda sends a strong message. Message received, you don't want to live with me. 

I've been effortlessly mostly happy for quite a while but that might be temporarily changing

I just want to be wanted back 

Yay x 4

Boys will never understand how totally awesome it is to get new bras. Pretty bras are great, they make you feel so good that you just wanna stare at yourself in the mirror

Around the bend and down the road

I found myself pulling this app up but now that I'm here, I'm really not sure of what to say. 

I'm both sick of Hyvee but also don't want to leave and that's mostly because I work with some awesome people. 

I seriously need to stop buying things. Girl you don't need more shit. Save your money for other things!! Like travel!! And fun things!! 

Excited for that tax refund to come through though. Haven't done my taxes yet but I already know my refund will be great. And then it'll mostly go towards car payments and be gone pretty quickly. But oh well. It's nice to get ahead with car payments. 

And now I've probably spewed more than enough and should call it a night. Trying to go to bed earlier is also not going well. And school starts in 3 days now...oops

2015/2016

So I suppose this will be my New Years post and I'll try to keep it fairly short so it doesn't get too cheesy :P

Overall, I think 2015 was a good year. It was a mainly happy year with only a few hard moments here and there. Lots has gone on and changed but it's almost all been good. Surely 2016 will be good as well. I don't doubt that it will be. I mean obviously you never know what's going to happen but I'll finish another semester of school before it's half over and turn 21 before the end. Less than 9 months now :P I just wanna be able to go and buy my own stuff and try all sorts of things and all that. Me in the liquor store right after my birthday will not be good haha. And I'm really glad that one of my best friends turns 21 just 8 days after me. Having an early birthday sucks if you don't really have anyone to truly celebrate with. We can go to Applebee's and actually get drinks when we are offered :P but otherwise I feel like I won't go to the bars and such all that often, too expensive.

 But yeah I hope lots of awesome things happen this year. Lots of fun things. Someone go to the beach with me, pleeeaaaassseeeee. It would be so great. I'm definitely ready to get out of Mankato again for a while. Keep pushing the idea of Rocky Mountain national park to my parents for a family vacation this summer. But I also think it would be really fun to go on a friend trip. For example, girls trip to a beach would be super fun ;) I miss going on the school trips, those were a blast. Jordan is going on his first one this year, crazy. But yeah, even a small trip to some place fairly close would be nice. Twins games don't really count but those are also lots of fun ;). I can't wait for tickets to go on sale and for the promotions schedule to come out :P gotta figure out which games to go to. I wanna go to at least like 4 this year I think. One near the very beginning, one near the very end, and 2 in between there. I think that's a good way to do it and I think it's gonna be a really good year. I'm excited :) it would also still be cool to go to a game at a near by teams stadium. It would be a cool experience and gets us out of Minnesota :P I'm definitely down to make this a year of spending money on experiences rather than things. I have more than enough things. 

Well I think that's enough for tonight. It's 2:30 am and I should get some sleep