hdfo

I opened this up, thinking I would have something to say, but now I don't know. I don't know what to think of things. We kinda have this roller coaster thing going on. Oh and speaking of roller coasters, we still gonna go next weekend? I hope we do. I know you are there and busy today but hopefully we can talk kinda soon.  I just want us to be good again. I'm ready for us to be good again. Because things were weird this morning and last night so yeah. But I'm letting that go and just forgetting about it. It's a new day. I think I have kinda said this before, but if there's anything that this situation has taught me, it's that sometimes you really just gotta let things go and every day is a brand new day and it can be anything you want it to be.


I just... miss us... like when we were both really sweet to each other... and those times I could really feel our love... this has been the biggest wake up call ever. I should have been better and not taken you for granted at all. I'm sorry. I was an idiot.

frustratedly regretful

Seriously, just add this to my long list of things I regret. If I had known you wanted me to say bye, I definitely would have. I wanted to, but by the time I realized you guys were actually leaving, you were pretty much gone and I hadn't really thought you cared if I said bye or not. You had barely talked to me all night, which was fine, I get it, and then you got upset that I didn't say bye. Frustrating. I couldn't tell what you wanted. But now I really wish I would have. I regret it. Just like I regret every bad thing with us, ever. I still feel bad for every single bad thing. So just add this to the list.

I had such an emotional release on the way home... I literally cried the entire way. Partly just from the generally emotional day and partially because I was so sad and frustrated with myself. I'm sorry :(

seniors

this is it... we are officially seniors... Only one more year of high school and then it's all done. Then it's college. This year went by so extremely quickly.... it's insane. So much has happened this year. Senior year will be even crazier. I'm excited but yet scared at the same time. Which is also exactly how I feel about summer. And the crazy thing about it is that it still doesn't even feel real. It probably won't hit me that it's summer until July, to be honest. And right now it sucks because I really want to talk to at least one of you guys but neither of you have texted me back :P So I don't know if this summer will beat last summer.. but I still hope it is really good. I just... am in this really weird mood right now. Probably because I know that it's not summer and we are seniors and all that, but it just hasn't sunk in yet. Like at all.

So this morning... when I said I miss you... which I haven't said in quite a while... I was really surprised when you said it back and really meant it and stuff.... I was so prepared to just get "Ik you do" so it was really nice. It really made me feel good. I'm doing my best to not read into it. But at the same time, you actually said it back, instead of your usual comment. .... I really meant it though. I really miss you. I don't know if it's the recent news or the ending of school or just because, but the past couple days, I've been really missing you.

I can appreciate the little good things and let go of the little bad things way more than I could before.

Who knows what is going to happen in the next 3 months....

And OMG we get to see Luke Bryan's sexy ass in concert in 2 days!!!!!!!! I AM SO EXCITED

it happened.

So I guess it happened. Which I totally called, by the way. Sometime within the past week, I specifically remember telling T that I thought it had happened. True story. I just... I'm trying really hard but I don't even know what's going on. Like I'm having a hard time even comprehending. I'm probably just still in a sort of shock. Because there is a big difference between assuming and thinking it has happened and knowing that it has happened. And I am sad. I get how you said to think of this as one step closer. Because I know that this has to happen before we can happen again. I understand that. It just still hurts and at times feels like a step farther away. And I'm trying to be still doing well. But at this point I don't know if I even know how I am doing. I know doing well is what is best for us and so I'm trying. But I'm still processing. Maybe I need some space, but at the same time, it's almost as if I want to talk to you more now. It's weird. I don't really know what to think or feel. Because I can say right now that I'm hurting. It just hurts. But I'm trying to get past that.  And now I'm just left wondering how long you guys will last. There's no way to know that. And I know that if I asked you, you wouldn't have an answer either. I'm just sad that it's her and not me. But I mean, hey almost 2 weeks then of it are over. I've unknowingly gotten through almost 2 weeks of it. I'm a numbers person. I don't know if you guys have realized it, but I'm a nerd and like analyzing numbers. For example, let's say it will be a 6 month relationship. That's just over 24 weeks then. So I'm almost 1/12 of the way there, 8% there. I'm not trying to be like negative about it and stuff, like good for you, it's just percentages and stuff make me feel better. I mean I am 6% of the way to my savings goal for now through the end of December. So that means I am closer to y'all ending than saving $2000. But in the end, while numbers are concrete, there is no way to know. Like what if it's for forever? Then I've gotten nowhere. So I'm sorry for that last part. It didn't even make sense and I sounded like a bitch. I have been struggling to think straight lately. But hey... seriously... thank you for calling me last night. When you called, I really didn't want to talk but thanks for showing you care. And thank you for telling me you love me. It helped. A lot actually.

Now don't take this next thing poorly...

....it's like you are exploring the ocean while still being anchored to me.

And I miss us.

sometimes I ask, sometimes I just wonder

so.... I mean.... after Sena... I better be the only one... like just saying, I don't think I'd be able to handle you having to figure stuff out with another girl. But like I said, at the same time, I can't even imagine walking away. So don't make me have to walk away, okay? :)?

And I really wonder when you guys are finally going to date... if you are going to date? I thought you were trying to get things figured out quickly? I get that it's easier said than done, but yeah. And yeah yeah I know I shouldn't read into anything too much. But yeah. I would have thought it would have happened by now. Not gonna lie, for a couple days I had thought it had but not so much anymore. I mean maybe you guys are going slow but I think it's been like a month since you have said y'all are gonna date. So idk. Like I said, I'm trying to not read into it that much... But I can't help but think back to the very beginning when we first started. Yes, we were young and naive, but we still knew right away and dove right into it. I mean we talked for what, a week before going out? And then we were dating for what, 2 weeks when we knew we loved each other? We just knew. I mean yes, back then we didn't know much and didn't fully know what love meant and was, but still. That's gotta say something, right? I know everyone's situations and stories are different, I get that, but idk still just yeah. And like I mean I kinda want to know what's going on with you guys but I don't want to ask and I'm afraid I won't like the answer. Maybe it remaining unknown for now is good? I dunno. I also don't think you would say anything negative or hinting at negative until it is actually fully done. Because I know you don't want me jumping ahead of situations and how things really are and finding hope that isn't really there. So I guess I do hold back from asking you about stuff with her, but that's probably for the best.

I think I've done a pretty good job of accepting how things are, don't you? I think I've come to terms (for the most part) that this is how it is and this is how it's going to be for who knows how long. I have to try to make the best of it. I can't change anything at this point, even though I sometimes still try to. Things just have to play out. Just have to wait and see the outcome.

I guess some sort of reaction to my last post would be nice... but only if you want to. I'm not gonna put sweet words in your mouth

............I miss you

walk away

so.... what if I were to just walk away from everything? We both know that you have most of the power but you don't have it all. Because I could just walk away whenever I want. And I'm not saying that I want to, but I am saying that if things ever just get really ridiculous and there kept being what ifs... I would probably just say screw it, it's not worth it anymore. I don't want to get there, but what if this exploring thing seems like it will never end? And the thought of walking away makes me really sad, especially now that we have gotten to be really good friends too but there's only so much I can take. You might think that I'll stick around forever, but I don't know if I can do that. I honestly don't know how I'd be able to walk away, it actually really scares me to think about, but going on like this forever scares me just as much. It would be really hard but if I have to, I have to. I'm not saying I am to that point yet, but I'm just saying what if I do get to that point. I'm really not trying to be a bitch, I'm just trying to watch out for myself.

I am sorry

I'm sorry for this morning... honestly, it was half because I was half asleep and I'm always weirdly dramatic when I'm half asleep. I mean... I think I'll always be bummed whenever plans don't work out for us... but I really will try to not let it get bad and just keep going. It's just... What you said about how this scheduling stuff makes it so that this situation we are in is better.... I don't agree... because with this situation, nothing is really for sure... so then I never know when I'll get to see you again... if I even do... Like do you ever just sometimes get really scared that the last time you saw someone will be the last time you ever see them? I know that doesn't really help my trying to be good about it case, but I'm just trying to explain why I get bummed. Like I almost feel like it would be easier if we were dating. Because I know we would have made it work and made time for each other and all that. And just the effort to hang out really does mean something. And I know you are trying, but it's still usually me that has to make the plans. I don't know what I'm really trying to say. I think I'm going to end up having a serious conversation with you about this later. Or something that would help, is that when plans don't work out for one day, we find a day that does work right away. Because when it's just like oh that doesn't work and then that's the end of the conversation, that's when I really get bummed. Like... I still think that this whole thing... it's not better that we are in this situation. I'm sorry, but I'll fight you to the end about that. Because at least there is some security that comes with dating. Maybe that's what it is? Now there is no security about anything and everything is so unknown and everything can change again in the blink of an eye. And if we were dating, we could like visit each other after work and just do little things for each other to make sure the other knows we still really care and just yeah. We would find time. It would work. ...you have no idea.... there's so much that I would just be better at if we dated again versus before. I appreciate things more. I would really appreciate more what time we do get to spend together. I already do that. And just... the little things wouldn't bother me as much. The little negative things. Because in the scheme of things, in the big picture, they are nothing. It's not worth getting upset over. It would be fine. Because in the end, I would still have you. In the end, I would still be the one you want and that's all that would matter. ....I don't know why I am still trying to let you know that if we dated, things would be different, in a better way. That I've learned things and would be better. I'm fighting a losing battle. But yet I still can't give up. Even though maybe I should. But I'd be too scared of what giving up could mean. It would be my luck that as soon as I stopped, you would actually want something to start. So I don't know. I want your reassurance but I am also scared to hear you say that I should give up.

so maybe, hopefully you understood at least part of that and it helps with things. Because reading my blog has only helped.. right?

I still want to do what's best for us.