it happened.

So I guess it happened. Which I totally called, by the way. Sometime within the past week, I specifically remember telling T that I thought it had happened. True story. I just... I'm trying really hard but I don't even know what's going on. Like I'm having a hard time even comprehending. I'm probably just still in a sort of shock. Because there is a big difference between assuming and thinking it has happened and knowing that it has happened. And I am sad. I get how you said to think of this as one step closer. Because I know that this has to happen before we can happen again. I understand that. It just still hurts and at times feels like a step farther away. And I'm trying to be still doing well. But at this point I don't know if I even know how I am doing. I know doing well is what is best for us and so I'm trying. But I'm still processing. Maybe I need some space, but at the same time, it's almost as if I want to talk to you more now. It's weird. I don't really know what to think or feel. Because I can say right now that I'm hurting. It just hurts. But I'm trying to get past that.  And now I'm just left wondering how long you guys will last. There's no way to know that. And I know that if I asked you, you wouldn't have an answer either. I'm just sad that it's her and not me. But I mean, hey almost 2 weeks then of it are over. I've unknowingly gotten through almost 2 weeks of it. I'm a numbers person. I don't know if you guys have realized it, but I'm a nerd and like analyzing numbers. For example, let's say it will be a 6 month relationship. That's just over 24 weeks then. So I'm almost 1/12 of the way there, 8% there. I'm not trying to be like negative about it and stuff, like good for you, it's just percentages and stuff make me feel better. I mean I am 6% of the way to my savings goal for now through the end of December. So that means I am closer to y'all ending than saving $2000. But in the end, while numbers are concrete, there is no way to know. Like what if it's for forever? Then I've gotten nowhere. So I'm sorry for that last part. It didn't even make sense and I sounded like a bitch. I have been struggling to think straight lately. But hey... seriously... thank you for calling me last night. When you called, I really didn't want to talk but thanks for showing you care. And thank you for telling me you love me. It helped. A lot actually.

Now don't take this next thing poorly...

....it's like you are exploring the ocean while still being anchored to me.

And I miss us.