fast!!!

So it's been like 3 weeks since I have even been on here! Crazy! I seriously feel like this school year is going by SUPER FAST! I mean we are already almost to Christmas break and then once we are back, it's only like 1 and a half weeks until finals and that's already half way through the year! Which is insane! I seriously can hardly believe it. It feels like all I have done is blinked and a month or two goes by! Gah! I kinda wish it would slow down! I really want to enjoy this time. Life has been really pretty great lately so I want to be able to revel in it and enjoy it as much as possible. That's hard to do when it's flying by.

And JOBS! It's coming so fast! I am super excited for it and we better get a picture together T!! There are still some things that I am not sure how they are going to work out exactly but I know it will be a great night, like last year. I am really looking forward to it :)

But yeah Christmas is right around the corner! I've already had Christmas with my dad's side of the family last Saturday. This Saturday, I'm doing Christmas with Z (which by the way, I am totally excited but kinda really nervous for at the same time... I just really hope my gift to him is good!) And then this Sunday we leave for Iowa to spend Christmas at my Mom's parents' house. We come back on Wednesday and then I will still have a whole week and a half of break!

I'll try to blog more often, I promise :)

soooooo much

so I know it has been forever and a day since I have been on here. Which isn't totally my fault. We are still in the process of getting rid of our old computer and switching everything over to our new laptop. Soooo yeah. A lot has been going on! Like super lots! Thanksgiving was really good and now there is less than 4 weeks til  Christmas! Eeeep! And I'm somewhat of a freak and have already ordered what I am getting Z for Christmas. Should be here next week :P Hopefully its good and he likes it and it fits. That last thing is what I'm stressing about the most. It's pretty much the reason why I haven't ever gotten him clothes before :P Just have to see how it goes I guess. I really wonder what he is going to end up getting me. I'm sure it will be really good and I am super curious to know what it is. I am celebrating Christmas with my dad's side of the family 2 weeks from this Saturday. It is really starting to come up fast. I know this past week sure has flown by. Which isn't a bad thing. Oh and backing up to Thanksgiving, we had it up in the Cities with my aunt's family and then by 7:30 my mom and I were heading out to go shopping for black Friday. We didn't get home until about 6:30 in the morning. Pretty hardcore, I know :P so yeah..... I guess T, I have no idea how much you are on this anymore or if you even ever go on anymore but yeah. There's another thing that I am kinda surprised that I haven't told anyone about yet. This past Saturday, I spent the night at Z's house. And it was just really great and good and just really nice and stuff. It's a whole new experience. Sleeping, literally sleeping, as in zzzzzzzzzzzzzzz, was really amazing and I guess I won't go into details. Not that there are even many details to begin with :P Yeah I am having a good day today. Not totally sure why. Just pretty happy :) Oh and my parents have started really looking at where we are going to move hopefully this spring/summer. It seems like it has kind of been decided that we are going to build a house again. So I'm pretty excited for that but at the same time it sucks because I will probably only get to spend 1 year in it. Hmmmm what else is there to really say. I've kinda run out of writing steam :P maybe I'll write some more later :)

last night

I still can't believe we hid in coats! great night last night! <3 br="br">

blood

I am officially a blood donor! And I feel really good about doing it :)

oh yay :)

So yesterday I asked Z to Jobs and it went off with out a problem and he really liked it and he said yes :) So I'm pretty happy right now! Yesterday was a really good day! Like seriously, it made me so happy :)

autumn

So yesterday Z and I went down to Fairmont again. And it was super fun and super nice to remember. It was really great :) The only thing that sucks is that we didn't get a picture of us... fail :P haha oh well it was still a really really good day :)

birthday :)

so today is my birthday... and it was like the bestest birthday ever!:D Seriously, I absolutely love my present from Z. They are so cute! And this dress that basically T got me, its so adorable! I got a ton of compliments today when I wore it :) so yeah I'm in a really good mood :) and in one week it's our anniversary!! I can't wait!

job

soooo yeah I really want a job. Like pretty bad. So I applied to KFC yesterday... and I hope I get it. It wouldn't be that bad. And I really want money :P and if this doesn't work out, I have Hyvee as my plan B :)

forever

yes, yes, I know it has been forever since I last blogged. oops! I guess I have kinda just forgotten about it. School has been going pretty well. This last week kinda dragged but I like most of my classes and its nice to see everyone. I'm just really tired. :P But I'm gettin used to school. All the homework sucks though :P But I am really glad I am taking two AP classes.
I can't believe that it is just this year and then next year and that is it for high school. I only get a limited number of classes I can take. It's weird to say I'm a Junior too. Like I know I'm not a sophomore but it hasn't fully set in that I'm a junior. I feel old :P
Speaking of being old, my birthday is in 9 days! I am so close to being 17! That's crazy. But yeah next weekend is my birthday party and I'm pretty excited for that. It should be super fun! And then on my actual birthday, Z and I are going to hang out to celebrate my birthday together. Then in 2 weekends from now, Z and I are going down to Fairmont again to celebrate our anniversary 2 days early. I am really excited for that too! It will be fun and just really nice and great. Making it to a year is pretty big and special and I am so ready for it to hurry up and be here! I guess I have a lot to look forward to :) <3 br="br">

schoool

oh my God we have school tomorrow.... where did the summer go....

picturessss

sooo glad we went out and finally did pictures! we should def go back there again! and find some other cool places to do them too :)

time

so I have kinda been feeling like this pretty much all summer, but now I think I'm actually gonna say it. I've been feeling really left out. And it sucks. And I know you don't do it on purpose, it's just happened. And I've missed out on so much that when I do hang out with you guys, and y'all talk about all the past times, I still feel left out. And now also with Courtney and everything, Idk if I'm still your best friend. And that makes me sad.
I'm not mad at you at all, nothing like that. Just sad.

yeahhh

so this is the 3rd or 4th time I have opened up a new blog post to write one. the other times, that's as far as I got because I wasn't really sure of what to talk about. I guess there just wasn't that much to talk about. But now there is less than 2 weeks until school. And I want to get as much crammed into the rest of summer as I can. Honestly, I think this summer didn't end up living up to my crazy expectations... but that's what they were, crazy. Don't get me wrong, it's been a good summer. Just wish it could be another month longer, that's all! However, at the same time, I am kinda looking forward to this fall. Like football and homecoming and seeing what my classes are like and my birthday is a month from tomorrow and a week after that it's our one year anniversary!! I'm ready for reasonably warm days and cool nights. I love cool nights. Perfect for sitting out on a gravel road in the bed of a truck ;) I just hope it's a good year. I think it definitely has the potential to be. :)

worst

it's the absolute worst when someone you love is hurt and upset and it's totally your fault and you could have prevented it so easily. then all you do is blame yourself and hate what you did and feel terrible about it. it's the worst.

and many more

Last night Z and I went to our first Twins game together! It was super fun even though they lost :/ but anyways yeah, we really need to do that again. and again. and again :) oh and it's really freakin cold. 4 in the afternoon at it's 57. in AUGUST. Booo

well....

so yesterday I got part of my back to school (clothes!) shopping done. Going again next weekend. And we get our schedules Tuesday. I want to have a great end of summer. (we def need to hang out more T!!!) but yet I think I'm starting to get ready for school. Can't believe I just said that but I think it's kinda true. 

early blah

So I know that I am definitely thinking about this a little early, since it's still almost 2 months away, but I have pretty much no idea what to get Z for our anniversary. Seriously. I am failing at this. I mean I have a couple ideas that I think I want to do but both of them are small. And I dunno I want it to be big and special and all this so it's super hard to come up with some good things! Seriously! GAH! This isn't like Christmas where the gift doesn't have to be that special/meaningful. I think I am pretty dang set for Christmas. I just feel like this should be better but I don't really have anything that great yet. It sucks. And because we have already been going out for a long time, I've used up all the good ideas I've had already. Booooo. Like that picture book I did? So cute! And special! But I did that for Valentines. Kinda wish I would have thought to wait to do it til anniversary time. But oh well I'm still really glad I did that. I just wish I could come up with something that is just as good as that....... I'm kinda worried that I won't come up with anything good. I mean I have been thinking about this already for way longer than I would like to admit to and I still don't have much. So that makes me a little worried. But it's not time to panic yet, like at all. I'll save the panicking for when it's only a week away :P aka my birthday. Blah. Boys are hard to get gifts for. I feel like girls are a lot easier. BLAH

I knew you that way....

So I got back from Iowa last night. And I honestly really wish we could have stayed there longer. We got there at about 2 in the afternoon on Saturday and left at about 2 in the afternoon on Monday. It wasn't long enough, at all. It's the side of my family that we aren't that close to and that's because of distance. My aunt and her family were there and we get to see them only once a year. And this year it was for barely 2 days. I dunno it just kinda sucks. We are going back there for Christmas this year and I'm pretty excited for that. I've always loved Christmas there. But idk now that I've actually thought about it, it kinda sorta makes me sad that we only get to go there 2 or 3 times a year, during the summer once or twice and for either Thanksgiving or Christmas. I guess I like it there more than I thought. It's really weird to watch how my cousins grow up, considering I see some of them only once a year. Especially when they are really little, the changes are huge. So hopefully in 2 years we go on a big family vacation again. South Carolina has been mentioned as an option <3 <3 That will be my last summer before college too. And that's kinda scary.

Johnny

So Johnny Holmes was pretty fun! It was a great night and I'm super glad we took some pictures! <3 Next time, A better shut up though :P

excited

soooo I'm pretty excited for us to go to Geneva with the boys! it will be superrr fun! <3

love love love

So  yesterday was pretty much the best day ever. Well at least the best day in a long time :) Because seriously, it was so great, and by the end of it, I was so extremely happy... and tired :P
It started off with girl's day with my mom and sister. We went shopping, surprise, surprise. But after a couple places we had to go, we decided to go to some of the thrift stores in town. It's really not that bad :P because you can find these cool little things to decorate with. For example, I am now looking for interesting tea cups. I'm gonna plant little cacti in them. It will be cute. And then my mom got these old spice containers, like the old tin ones and they are pretty sweet. She got a vintage toaster too. Guess we are going with an old theme for the kitchen :P I also think it would be pretty cool to get some of the really old books they have and just have a shelf for them. I like old stuff :P So yeah we ended up being out for like 5 hours. By the time we got home, I ate and then went to Z's right away.
And when I got there, he had roses for me. They are beautiful <3 We ended up watching a scary movie right away and when it was done, we thought dinner was almost done so we didn't start anything else. Turns out it wasn't almost dinner time and we had actually fallen asleep for about an hour. Oops :) Then dinner, which is always interesting. Soon after that, we went out on our somewhat double date with J and A. We went bowling :P It was actually really fun and I did end up getting 2nd in the last game we played. A was also really nice to me so that was good. And yeah honestly, we should do it again some time. After that Z and I got ice cream and went back to his house and just hung out for a while till I had to leave. Driving with a vase of flowers between your legs is certainly an interesting experience, let me tell you. But I'd rather do that than just buckle them in the seat next to me. I have a feeling they would have fallen over. Plus it really wasn't bad.
So I don't think y'all have gotten this detailed of a blog post in forever. Hope it doesn't bore you :P

8 A.M.

so yeah.... I had a great day :) thanks so much Z <3

sorry

idk I guess I don't really have anything to talk about. So why I'm doing this, not totally sure. I mean the point of a blog is to talk about stuff. I dunno I'm just dealing with some stuff but it's getting better so yeah. Hopefully soon I have something that is actually blog worthy. And I don't know, summer is great and all, but I'm just really looking forward to what I think is now my favorite time of year. It's about a month, month and a half, starting midway thru September and goes through at least half of October. It's just usually a really great time and the weather is amazing. I guess I'm now a fall person :P haha I don't know.

Fireworks

Best fireworks....ever :) There's really nothing like laying with your boyfriend, on a hot summer night, and watching fireworks. Not to mention we were really close to them. The big ones literally filled your entire field of view. I had never been that close before and yeah it was great :)

the 4th

oh goodness I just love my country soooo much! <3 <3 <3

apples

me gustan las manzanas ;)

heat

this heat wave needs to end. seriously.

haha :)

hemhem so uhm SOMEONE needs to get better at bean bag so we don't lose again :P I'd be willing to practice wiff youuuu(: but seriously. you make us lose again, you're goin down ;)

:)

oh how I love surprise visits from my boyfriend <3

ow ow ow ow

oh my God I am so sunburned! I can hardly walk!

summerrrr

well it's summer now! Still not totally sure how I feel about that and it sure doesn't even feel like summer yet. Like I really don't think it had sunk in. Like at all. But still last night was really fun. I think it was a good way to start the summer. Hopefully there are plenty of fun nights to come. I dunno. It will be interesting to see how summer goes. And how it goes for everyone else too. We are juniors now! That's crazy! High school is going by too fast :P and yeah idk what else to really say. Except that dressing more on the whore side is pretty fun :) And that I really hope I get to go with T to Geneva :P

oops

yeah so it really doesn't seem like tomorrow is finals... like at all... probably should do some studying....

long hot summer

So I guess for some reason I just feel like talkin. Don't really know why and don't really know what I'm gonna say.

the fact that this Thursday is the last day of sophomore year is honestly kinda surreal. Like it doesn't seem like it should already be the end. A lot of people have been saying that they think this year dragged on but I think it flew by. BIG TIME. Maybe that's because this has probably been the happiest year of the past like 3. It's also been pretty fun. So I am excited to see what summer brings, I'm just not totally sure if I'm ready for it.

Gah there better be a lot of fun things that we do this summer. Road trips! Love road trips!

It's gonna be a long hot summer, we should be together. good lyric :P

ok ya know what I want? A country summer. That is what I want. Pretty bad actually. Like I want fun adventures with friends and romantic experiences with my boyfriend. Is that too much to ask for? :P

sooo yeah I think the plans we got for the last day of school will be a good way to start the summer. I have to sing at graduation and that's whatever. But then a fire at Z's house and then a sleepover with T. Better be fun :P and I think it really will be.

and I'm not sure if I really have anything much more to say so yeah I'll be done

Just for you T

sooooo someone has recently been complaining about my lack of blogging :P so I guess I will. I haven't really had anything new to say. I mean there are only 7 days left of school and that is RIDICULOUS! This year has flown by big time. Like seriously I have no idea where it went! So in a way I am sad about that. Summer coming is kinda bittersweet. Like apart from not seeing everyone and all that, I feel like it might not live up to the expectations we have at the beginning of it. Because it never does. We always wish we would have done so much more. Yes, this year some of us have our licenses so it has a lot more potential than past years but still. I honestly have no idea what I'm going to do all summer. Besides hang out with people and go to Geneva with T and take pictures such. And those will all be fun but you can't like constantly be with people. So who knows. We will just have to see how it goes.

so T, I don't know if you really care to hear about this but I dunno I just thought of this like last night and I'm actually kinda excited for it :) as you, and possibly the rest of the blogging world know, summer usually gets to be a rough spot for me and Z. This summer we both have our licenses and its just better this time so I'm not really too worried. But anyways you know how you can basically like make your own postcards? As long as they are the right size and strong enough to go through the mail? Well my idea was that every so often, we could either get or make a postcard or even do a letter and somewhat do them back and forth. I just think it will be a way for us to stay even closer and it's special and fun and such. Hopefully :P and then at the end of summer we will each have a little collection and I dunno I think it would be cool. Soooo yeah. :)

oh one more thing. Today in health class, we got to see what they do when you go in to get a pap smear. It was kinda scary, not gonna lie. Looks like it would hurt! :P and on that lovely note, I'm done talking so byeeee

ugh blah grr

I. Am. Miserable. Being sick sucks.

whatever makes you feel like a rockstar

so I really don't have much of anything to say. But I wanted to use those lyrics for a title so yeah :P summer is almost here and I'm ready to have fun and do all these things that love and... make me feel like a rockstar ;) haha I'm in a good mood and I can't really say why :P cuz I don't know! but yeah. I'm ready to do things other than go to school :P

giant ass hill

honestly, there is nothing like hiking when you aren't in a good mood. It's so relaxing and peaceful. And then to put energy into ya know going up a giant ass hill, you feel really accomplished when you get to the top. So long story short, I love hiking :P

to study or not to study?

sooooo Z and I have a study date tonight. The first one we have ever had. Which is kinda odd but oh well. And so it will be interesting to see how that goes and how much studying actually happens. But either way, I'm not the one that needs to study so it will be fun no matter if we actually accomplish something or not :)

this feeling

sometimes I start to feel really... sentimental? Nostalgic? I really don't have a good word for it. Except that it is maybe the one of the most content feelings ever. Like I just feel really thoughtful and thoughtless at the same time. I am just leaving in the moment and enjoying it fully. But yet it's not in the normal way. This feeling makes me feel both old and ageless. And I probably sound really weird right now and this probably isn't making sense but that is ok because it doesn't make sense to me either. Oh and another thing, it's always music that makes me feel this way. Country music. It get's me started and yeah idk I'm crazy :P

storm!

So I really haven't had that much to complain about lately. Like really for the most part life has been pretty dang good lately. And today is 7 months :) And thank you dearest boyfriend of mine for coming to school just to see me :) even if you did have to be a butt and leave for the rest of the day, I'm glad I got to see you this morning :) like honestly I don't even care that you skipped. You just really should have taken me with youuu(:

I guess the only somewhat complaining thing I have to say is that April went by beyond fast. Seriously I have no idea where it went. And if that has any indication of how May is going to go, then I better put on my seat belt and hang on :P we are so close to summer and it is honestly bittersweet. Like I'm excited for summer and freedom and all of that but I like seeing everyone all the time at school too. So it will be interesting to see how that goes. It will definitely be an interesting summer.

Oh and one more thing. IT BETTER STORM TONIGHT! <3

opposite things

so.... I'm sorry for being such a bitch lately.

and..... I'm excited for date night :P can't wait to dress up :)

oh ya know... a lot

I know I kinda talk about this a lot.... but I really do love you.... a lot :) And I love us a lot too. I wouldn't change anything about us. Not at all. I know we have kinda been having an issue recently but I think we are over that. I'm sorry that it was ever a problem. What they do shouldn't have to affect what we do. I like how we are. Actually I love it. I wasn't kidding when I said that I love how we are still independent. We don't have to always be clinging to each other to be happy. I think it shows how strong we really are. And we are really strong. And that is good :) Ok now this is something that I haven't really told you yet but who knows, maybe I will later today. Or maybe you will just see it on here. Even though I really don't know how much you have been keeping up with this lately :P Your sister having her boyfriend over... I dunno it kinda made me think of how far we have come. We have come a looonnnggg ways. We still have a really long way to go but I think we can get there :) So yeah. The future can be kinda scary but some how, having you by my side, it isn't so bad. And yes, I fully realize that that was completely cheesy but I mean it <3 I think I will be done now. Hope you enjoyed this(: I can't wait to see you and I love you :)

oh.....

so many things I kinda want to say right now but I'm not gonna. Cuz I don't want to start anything. So yeah. Y'all probably thought this was a pointless post but I just had to say something.

rain rain go away...

yeah I don't much care for days like these. where it is raining literally all day long. honestly it's pretty depressing and all I want to do is sleep :P so yeah. I dunno I haven't really had much to say lately which is weird but oh well :)

"what were you doing tonight...?"

So last night was awesome. And I'm so glad we went back to check on it again because seeing his reaction was priceless. I can still see it in my head. I think we should do it again sometime :P putting caution tape and keep out signs on a car, or at least watching it happen, will never get old. I'm not kidding. So yeah that was a very teenager-y night :)

I miss......

THE SOUTH! Like can I pretty pretty please go back? Right now? Like seriously give me 10 minutes to pack and I'll be good. Seriously I miss it so much. Y'all have no idea. I need to go back. It was amazing. It was so beautiful. It was so inspiring. And I miss it so bad

my room

So I absolutely love my room, I really do. It is pretty much a perfect teenager room... except that I don't have my own bathroom! So it's really great but its really... raw. If that makes sense? Like I have never really done all that much to decorate which is ironic because I love doing things to my room. And within the past couple days, I have pretty much gotten obsessed with doing things to decorate my room. Like seriously it's bad. I haven't even accomplished that much, I more just have ideas. But yeah I'm really excited to keep working on it and make it pretty and such. Oh and by the way T, shellflower has really grown on me. Like I actually really like it now. There is so much you can do with it :P ok so I'm probably gonna go to my room now and do stuff so yeah I'm done with my rant :)

oldddd

I feel old :P I mean I am closer to my 17th birthday than I am my 16th birthday. That's honestly a little scary :P It also makes me think about my birthday party... I don't know for some reason, 17 just seems really like old and mature. It's just one year away from 18 after all. But yeah I will probably just do the same thing that I have for the past several years. Big sleepovers never get old :)

those days

do you ever wake up and then just automatically can tell that's it's going to be a bad day? like as soon as you are out of bed, you can feel a bad mood coming on? well that was me today. for most of the day, I was really on edge. it was bad. but luckily about midafternoon, I was able to get out of it. not really sure how it happened. in all honesty, Z it might have been your little story you told me. maybe it gave me hope that good things can happen :P I do kinda feel bad for being in a bad mood but it was one of those bad moods that you really just can't help. I will probably tell you this pretty soon Z, but imma say it in here too. I actually really liked it when you kept trying to get me to hug you. it might not have looked that way, but I did. it showed that you really care and wanted to make it better and it was actually pretty sweet :) I needed that after you and T and your whole forgetting something I had told y'all multiple times and then deciding y'all was gonna have a "date". Idk that hurt my feelings. like I know it was nothing but I already was thinking that I would probably rather hang out with y'all then go to the birthday party but I have to go and I know it will be fun but yeah. it was just like great. y'all wanted to hang out with me and I wanna hang out with y'all but I'm busy and now y'all will just spend "the whole day" with each other. thanks for that btw best friend. rub it in my face some more that you get to spend time with him and I can't. that sounded a lot more bitter than I really am but yeah. i'm not mad. it just kinda hurt a little bit and now I am going to be done ranting about sad things because it's just bringing me down again.

memories...

Don't drop the soap!
Dicks!
Who's gay? I am!
Ahh my rectum hurts!
Dicks up the butthole!
Toooniiiiighhtttt weeeee areeee yoDON'T DROP THE SOAP

miss this already :)

got you :)

oh how I love April Fool's Day <3

me

well..... there goes that..... i should have changed.... like seriously this is all my fault....

and the worst part is... my best friend won't believe me just because it is stupid april fools day... 

happiness

so.... yesterday was amazing :) Like seriously that is the happiest I have been in a long time... that's how truly happy I was. I just loved every part of it. It was all so wonderful and I don't care if that sounds cheesy because it is true. We talked about our future a lot.... and I loved that. I love how sure you are of us. Like when you told me your little story about why you were talking about it so much... my heart melted, not even gonna lie :) so yeah... I can see us too <3

photography

I really forgot how good it feels to create something so beautiful... <3

too much to say

Honestly, there is really too much to say about that trip. It was beyond amazing and I wish I could go back already. The beach was amazing, the city it's self was amazing, the experience was amazing. It was so much fun that it's hard to put into words.

Oh and I can't wait for my boyfriend to get home tomorrow. Imma go see him right away (:

adios

Goodbye Mankato, hello Charleston!!!! :D
well not quite yet. but we leave in about 9 and a half hours. YAY! probably should finish packing....

and I just wanna say thank you so so much to my boyfriend. because you came over tonight and you didn't really have to but it was extremely nice that you did and I am grateful that you did. I actually had a lot of fun :) hope my room didn't scar you for life ;) But anyways, I'm gonna miss you. A lot. But hopefully these next 8 days go by fast and then I can see you right after you get back. And I am definitely sending you a postcard. Don't be surprised if I purposely pick an awkward one(: Anyways, I love you so much. See you soon <3

sooooo much stress

gah you have no idea how stressful life has been lately :P extremely! especially this week. But at 7 AM Friday morning, that stress will go away because I will finally be on my way to South Carolina and all the stressful things will have passed. I'm seriously so excited. But yet I know that there is a shit ton of crap to do before then. But still this is something that we have been looking forward to for a year and now it is in less than 2 days! So excited <3

Haaappyyyy Birrrthhdaaaaaaaay!

Happy Birthday bestest boyfriend ever :) I hope that I made today great for you. I have a feeling you liked the ending ;) but yeah honestly tonight was like really super duper fun. I'm not even kidding :P I love you <3

warm weather

So lately, it has been really warm. Like really warm! Like right now it honestly feels like June. Definitely not March! It's nice but yet in a way its kinda taking away from the fact that we are going somewhere warm for spring break. There isn't gonna be a big difference in temperature like we first thought there would be. So that sucks. But still its gonna be really awesome! And we leave in only 5 days! <3

........

what the hell kind of person would purposely start a fight with his girlfriend? Like honestly... ow....
and if you were kidding.... why would you even joke about that? especially right after I had a fight with my best friend....?

I don't even know what to say here.

Since when did you suddenly become so much better than the rest of us? Cuz that is really what it seems like. I can't even seem to say anything without you contradicting it. It's like seriously? It's not even that big of a deal. And you seem to like to brag. "yeah I'm getting a bunch of money for Charleston" uhh ok good for you, I care why? And you seriously come off as really judgmental lately. Like seriously if I wanna wear shorts, so what? Why does it matter to you? And the way you word things is just like ugh. It just sounds confrontational and I get that you probably don't mean it that way, but there isn't a way to know for sure.

Anyways I'm like really close to a mental breakdown right now. Like seriously I'm about to implode and start crying. Just know that I really don't like it when we fight. At all. I still need my best friend.

choirrrr

soooooo today was a pretty good day :) after school we had choir contest which is pretty much what it sounds like. You sing for a couple judges and then they rate you. Aren't sure what we got rated yet but I think we did amazing! It was a lot of fun too. Then we had off time to go eat er do whatever. So me and R went to the mall and ate and met up with our wonderful boyfriends and I actually ended up getting a really cute skirt so yeah :) honestly still not sure if my boyfriend likes it or not :P but then we had to go back and had a normal concert and that was pretty fun too. I think we did really good at that too :) so yeahhh. And then Z and I talked for a while. And that was really nice :) And he said we did really good so I got all warm and fuzzy inside, even if it didn't show :) Love you babe <3 Thank you so much for coming and supporting me. It really does mean a lot and I really do appreciate it ;) I love you so much <3

letters

Dear Period,
Please go away. And take the cramps and moodiness with you.
Love, Me

Dear Warm Weather,
Thank you for finally coming and thank you for sticking around for I while. You have no idea how much I missed you <3
Love, Me

Dear Bestest Boyfriend in the Entire World,
Thank you soooo much for today! You are so caring and helpful and nice even when I really wasn't. You made today pretty dang enjoyable even though my period was doing everything in its power to make it a horrible day. I love you so much <3
Love, Me <3

truth

Dear T,
So I totally get that it must be awesome to finally know that a past "flame" likes you.... But I honestly don't see this ending well. I'm not tying to rain on your parade, I'm just trying to watch out for you because I love you. I mean D has probably been constantly committing the biggest dick move known to man for the past what? 9 months? Is it fair to say it has been that long? Basically ever since graduation last year, he has kinda been a big jerk-o. He made big promises that lead to big time disappointment. I mean he basically just decided not to care about you anymore. I know, that was a little harsh, but that is really what it seems like. And now he just randomly shows up? Kinda sketchy. And I can just see you falling back to him, destroying all the hard work you have done to get to this point. And yeah, I kinda realize I sound like a hypocrite for being against you going back to someone that hurt you big time, but please at least just really think about things before doing anything big? I think you owe it to yourself to not just jump into anything. Did the good times really make up for the past 9 months? Really think about that. Think about if you really actually trust him or not. Think about how well it would ever really work for you guys. I definitely want you to be happy and do what makes you happy, and that is why I am doing this. I don't want you to hurt again over the same guy. That is probably something you have said to me before, I realize that. So this isn't meant to judge you in any way or make you feel bad, I really just want what is best for you. Ok? Love you <3

what a monday....

well. that was interesting to say the least. today my school had a bomb threat. nothing serious, no one is hurt, but we did get evacuated. Which was scary. It started off as a lockdown during just 2nd hour. Which was sketchy because there was no "this is a drill". And then my teacher tells us that she didn't know about it. Meaning it was more than likely not a drill. And as 2 minutes became 5, 5 became 10, and so on, it grew more and more apparent that it was not a drill. Then someone starts making an announcement and at first I was like oh ok everything is over now. Nope. It was the principal telling the teachers to check their email. My teacher did so and then told us that we were being evacuated. That was when it got actually scary for me. Up until then, I was fine but then it got real. But, as we were walking farther and farther away from the school, I started to get more and more calm. So that was good. And then my mom ended up coming and getting me from the church that we were at so no more school for the day. And now people and the way there are joking about it is kind of sick. Like seriously, what if it was real? What if the person hadn't just left a note and had gone through with blowing up the school, giving no warning. Who knows how many of us could have been dead. Yes, I do get that the whole thing was someone being stupid and "joking" but that's not funny. Like that really isn't funny. Because like I said, what if it had been real?

ya

...not really sure what is going on here...

country music

right now, I really remember why I love country music so much. Why it is just so good.. Why it is just perfect. It makes me feel so good inside. But yet it can put the rawest emotions into words in a song so perfectly. And there were some lyrics that really... had an impact on me.... Now I don't feel like this right now, but this past summer... I did.

you went away
how dare you
i miss you
they say i'll be ok
but i'm not going to ever get over you

the weekenddd

so it has actually been a lot longer since I have blogged than I thought it had been. It's about time I say something!

this past Thursday was Z and mine's 5 month anniversary. So yay for that(: But I am definitely really looking forward to 6 months next month :) 6 months is a pretty big accomplishment. Not that many teenage relationships make it that far :) I'm so proud of us <3

and then yesterday was pretty fun. Ended up doing the radio show again, this time with my best friend too. Then it was kinda a mess but we ended up at Z's house for a while. I finally watched the Sandlot. I was forced. Just sayin. But yeah that was pretty fun and then after a while we went back to my bestfriend's house for the night. Her older sister and some of her college "friends" came for a visit. Then left. We spent the night alone without parents. Honestly didn't even feel that weird.

And then there is tonight. Tonight was another possibility to have my boyfriend sleepover since my parents are gone for the night. But unfortunately I have siblings that are going to be here too so that isn't happening. Which is sad but it is what I expected would happen. Maybe I'll just need to have a nice long conversation on the phone later ;)

oh boy...

So this weekend is basically gonna be pretty crazy but pretty cool.

First off, my bestfriend is being left at home alone Friday night. So I'm gonna go stay the night with her. Not sure yet on if we will have a party or not :P

And then Saturday is my mom's birthday so my parents are gonna go stay at some bed and breakfast Saturday night. Which means I will spend yet another night with no parental control. But unlike my best friend, I will have my siblings here too. Booooooo. Oh well. Still will be fun :)

letting go

Letting go is.... what is it? For most people, it is probably the hardest thing they will ever have to do. Letting go. Letting go of people. It really kinda is this big bad thing isn't it? It's hard. It's scary. It's something you don't want to do but yet know that you have to. And it really is hard. So hard. Because we are humans. We have memories. Those memories serve as reminders to things that you really don't want to remember. But yet you have no choice to remember them. So you are stuck. Going in circles. Until something finally clicks and you start veering off unto a better path, a path of healing. I have had to try to let go of something... someone... in the past before. And it never really worked. Like one day, I would be pretty much completely fine with it and knew I had to just live my life and go on and have fun. But then the next day, I would miss him so much and all I would be able to think about were all the wonderful memories. Sometimes, you have to let go simply because that person has passed away. Although, of course, there is nothing simple about letting go. I think that is really one of the things that terrifies me. Someone dying. Someone close to me dying. I don't even know how I would respond, react, handle it. Like at all. It would be a complete shock to my system and that is scary. I don't want to lose anyone. But I know that eventually it will happen and I just don't want it to. I don't know where all this is coming from. Well I mean I kinda do but not sure how I got so depressed with all that. I'm actually in a pretty good mood :)

beeeaaachhh

ya know what I want? the beach.
ya know where I am going in less than a month? the beach. <3

brighter note

today was a good day :) and tomorrow should be even better ;)

emotional

so it's been brought to my attention that I'm emotional and sensitive... too emotional and sensitive. And I mean I have known that I have always been like that but I hadn't really realized how bad it had gotten. Until what pretty much felt like an intervention. I'm not mad, so don't you guys go thinking that I am. But surprise surprise, it did hurt quite a bit. Not sure if that is acceptable or not. But I actually get it now. I mean it has been briefly brought up before but once my boyfriend said that he can't fully be himself around me because he can't joke around that much because I take things too hard really struck me. Hope you followed all of that. But yeah that's not ok and I know that's not ok so I want to fix it. You might be thinking "oh changing for a boy is wrong blah blah blah" but I am not changing for him. Well maybe I am a bit but I am changing for me too. And it's not like it's a bad change like at all. But I need to get stronger and be happier and by "loosening up" I can do that. Of course it's not like I was always being sensitive on purpose. Which makes my goal even harder to get to. But I have to do it. I have to. So just bear with me. Please?

wrong

....what's wrong with me?

words cannot explain

All I want to say is that my boyfriend is amazing, plain and simple <3 I love you so much, Z :)

Too much inspiration

Yesterday was pretty much one of the worst days ever. Nothing, and I really do mean nothing, was good or went well. It completely sucked and I felt like I couldn't do anything right. And so surprise surprise, I wrote another poem last night. Don't read too much into it because I was pulling from another person's feelings just as much as I was from my own. And don't judge because it's probably pretty bad.

Stars

I look up into

the night sky

so many stars

so beautiful.

They stare back

at me, little me.

Each one has

a wish.

Each star has

a reason to hope

a reason to believe

to keep me going.

They whisper

to me, only me,

their secrets

strong and bright.

I look up with

longing, hoping

they would take me

away from here

But they shine on

and tell me to do

the same thing.

I am strong.

It gets better.

The starts told me so.

They have seen it all.

They made it through.

The tears are gone,

brushed away.

I wish the stars goodnight

and I go on.

old poems :P

well looky here I found some poems from last year. Warning: they may be really bad

Can I go Back?

Can I go back

back to the days,

before I realized growing up

ain't that great

back to the days

of Scooby Doo,

coloring books,

and pigtails.

Back to before

the world became old

when everyone was your friend

and no one hurt you

Back to the days

when the term

broken heart

had no meaning

All I wanted was to be a big girl

But now all I want is to go back

When everything made sense,

When everything was simple

Can I go back to the time of dreams?

Back to the time of wonder

Back to the time of happy

Back to the best time of all

What Happened To Love

It started off good,

Like a gift from above.

Never thought you would

Take back all your love.

I watch life go by.

I tell people I'm fine.

But maybe it's a lie,

Because you aren't mine

I'm stuck in the past,

Before you left.

It all happened so fast.

You committed a theft.

And now I wonder why

I no longer cry

My Season

The heat of the sun

Back in my element

So happy inside

This is where I belong

Flip flop tan lines

Sun burnt cheeks

The smell of the beach

The smell of sunscreen

Thunder rumbling 

Lightning flashing

Washing the Earth

Washing me

Pines surrond me

The glow of a campfire

I look up above

And marvel at the stars

Many Memories 

Each one perfect

So many memories

Only of summer

The cold isn't right

The heat is the best

Every winter I look forward

To the approaching summer

So peaceful, so calm

This is my time, my time in the sun

Nothing could be better

I love it so much.

Response

So I just read your post... and honestly, thank you so much for doing that. Because now, I really am starting to get why you want to go. Before, you weren't telling me that much of it so now I understand better. And I get where you're coming from. I don't know I guess it kinda felt like you were abandoning me. Which is ridiculous, I know, but considering that our friendship has been kinda rocky lately, it just kinda pushed me over the edge. And I'm sorry, I am. I just really don't want to lose you. And I had had so many ideas in my head for all the great times we would have this summer so it just kinda sucked to know that they quite possibly won't happen. Yes, I get that you will come back, but several days to a week or whatever it will be a month just doesn't seem like a lot of time. And if you think about it, it isn't. Because oh maybe I'll be gone one weekend or have different plans already made or the time I am free, you have plans with other people. I mean there won't be any spur of the moment hang outs anymore and I love those. I love it when we come up with these plans a couple hours before we do them. So I guess I really am being a baby about this. I just don't want you to ruin your summer... and mine. But I guess it is something that you have got to do and life will go on. Maybe you can come back in time to spend the last 2 or 3 weeks of summer here? So we can cram a whole summer's worth of amazing memories into that short time. I will come visit you too. Because I will admit that Geneva is pretty cool. But it might just be once or twice the whole summer. Just have to see how it goes. And wow. I feel a lot better now that I have this all out of my system so I hope you read this soon!

poem

Soooooo I really don't usually do this... but I was bored... and yeah this is what came of it.... and actually.. I'm kinda embarrassed by it but whatever...

Untitled
You said those words,
soft and sweet.
I heard those words,
that can't be beat.

I look at you,
you look at me.
This is true.
We can be we.

Sunlight shines down.
The lake gleams.
In this town,
our heart beams.

Darkness soon falls,
don't want to leave.
Our love calls.
I now believe.

good day, bad day

On Thursday, my choir and I went up to the cities to sing at this music director's convention thing. It was a very big deal. And it was an amazing experience! It was so fun and so great and we did super well too! It really is something I will remember for quite a while.

Then Friday I was feeling like crap. Mostly in an emotional way, not a physical way. So I pretty much just faked sick and got to stay home from school all day. And that was actually pretty fun. Not the feeling like crap part, but the whole getting to lay around all day and do nothing part was. So yeah still working on getting over that but I should definitely be better by Tuesday. Which is good. And I don't know I kinda am being a baby about the whole thing but oh well.

heat

I really really really really can't wait for summer! I loveeee summer! I am so ready for it to be warm out! To be able to go out in just a tee shirt and a pair of shorts, barefoot even, and be totally comfortable! Summer is just amazing and I have a feeling that this summer will be the greatest one to date ;) There are already summer plans in the making and I am super excited for them. Like you have no idea. Summer is like the best time ever. Legit :) <3

Hints ;)

So I really know that I have a great boyfriend and he does so many wonderful things for me... so I really shouldn't be asking for more... and I'm not... I'm just dropping very obvious hints :)

1. Some summer day, surprise me with a small gift.
   
2. Before spring break, write me a cute little note/letter.
3. During spring break, send me cute texts that let me know you are thinking about me.
4. Kiss me in the rain already!
5. One word. Iowa <3
6. Make me a playlist.
7. Give me a list of hints ;)
8. This summer, get me a "thinking of you card". Then mail it to me <3
9. Mail me postcards :)

Probably more to come later :)

will you be my Valentine?

so obviously today is Valentine's Day. There are definitely some people out there that just don't believe in the holiday. They say it's just a gimmick to get people to buy cards, candy, flowers, etc. And there are also some that say that love should be shown everyday, not just one day out of the year. Now, while I do believe that, I also think that it is just a great excuse to celebrate the love you have with someone. It is the day to really focus on that relationship. And yeah, there should be other days during the year that are like that too, but it really is just great to be included in this great holiday. And my day.... my day was amazing.

Of course school is always kinda lame but today was a short day so it seemed to go by really fast. And apparently I looked really good too so it couldn't have been that bad ;) but it definitely was nice to be looking forward to spending the rest of the day with pretty much the best guy ever ;) And dammm it was so great <3 He was a super nice boyfriend and took me to see The Vow. He even admitted that it was actually a decent movie. And that put me in a great mood. For whatever reason, when we were walking back out to the car, I was extremely truly really happy. I was so happy! It was great. Then we ended up just going back to his house and had left over lasagna for supper. Super classy, I know. But, it was honestly super great. We were being playful and it was so fun and it showed true happiness and true love <3 It was really amazing. Then we didn't really have all that much more time since I have to be home at NINE :P But we ya know hung out and stuff ;) Not too much stuff though :P And ya know... honestly.... tonight was probably the best, most happy night I have had in a while. I mean I have definitely had some really great nights but tonight was just literally perfect. I felt happiness that was so true and pure and I got to share it with the guy I love. Actually, he is pretty much the whole reason why I was so happy :) <3 this time... this time really is so different and so amazing and so perfect. Forever & Always babe <3

bitch please

so basically when you are on facebook and are talking to someone on a post on their wall, it is completely inappropriate for someone else to butt in. and tell them that they basically are being annoying. uhm no. it doesn't even concern you and it's not even like you are getting notifications from it so FUCK OFF.

blah

I hate it when someone tells me to get excited for something. It's like shut up. Don't tell me how to feel. I control my emotions, not you.

changing us

I wouldn't change anything about us. Everything good and bad has made us what we are today. And I love who we are today. So no matter how much things have hurt and sucked in the past, I still wouldn't change it. I mean honestly time apart from each other was probably even a good thing for us. We still found our way back to each other. We are still perfect for each other. I don't want that to change. So thus, I wouldn't change a single thing about us. Ever. I mean yeah it might have ya know been nice to not have to go through all that hurt and confusion and rejection, but it got us to where we are now. This may sound bad, but I always love those times when we are so close to getting back together. There is a lot of excitement there. Sometimes the anticipation is almost unbearable but it's ok. Because then we get back together and everything is absolutely wonderful again. Also, the past is the past. There is nothing we can do to change it; all we can do is learn from it. So maybe next time, you will actually talk to me about things, instead of just deciding for yourself that you are going to break up with me and not really tell me anything :P Because honestly, the worst part was the fact that everything was so sudden and confusing and you already had it set in stone before I could even react. Like it's one thing when you see it coming, but it hurts on a whole different level when it is completely out of the blue. It takes more to recover from that, and to be able to actually trust again. Because when you trust someone so completely, and then they just leave, it's really hard. It takes a lot out of you. Because your head is still spinning so much from that, that you don't even know what to do, where to start over. Slowly, you pick yourself up and you move on. Because there is nothing else that you can do. And then you start to find yourself. Except, you aren't the same person that you used to be. Because now you are damaged. You are weak. You look for any tiny reason to believe that there is still some hope. And you feel pathetic for over analyzing every little thing, but you don't know what else to do. You're lost. You're confused. You're scared. You start to search for something to make you happy and are lucky if you find it. But yet you still have that emptiness. Because that person who left you, they left a hole the size of Texas in you. Someone who was previously so important and solid and always there and so completely amazing, is now gone. And you have no idea how you are supposed to fill that hole. Nothing or no one you could come up with would fit into that hole just right and make everything better. And it doesn't just heal over night. It stays raw for quite a while. Slowly, as you start to forget how much that person really meant to you, that hole starts to get smaller and smaller. It becomes easier to fill the wound. But yet, in the back of your mind, you are still wishing that that person would come back and make everything better and fill the hole once again. And I, I was lucky enough to have that happen. And he is so amazing and we are so amazing, more amazing than we were before. So I wouldn't change it at all. We all make mistakes and if we are lucky enough, the person will realize what they did and will want you back. I was lucky. I love us so much. Just like I love him so much <3

and that was entirely too dramatic and emotional but oh well. I'm deep :P

good idea

So I'm actually really glad I let him see this. I dunno it just feels good to share it with him for whatever reason. And of course it helps that he responded really well to it and actually kinda liked it.

His birthday is also in a little more than a month... and I need some actually good ideas for what to get him :P

I am happy. :) <3

Valentine's :)

So for whatever reason, my boyfriend decided that we should do Valentine's Day presents last night. And I'm pretty sure it was to celebrate me getting my period :P Oh well, it really didn't matter to me when we did them. I was just excited to do them :) And yeah last night was amazing. We were just so close and connected and it was perfect. And we were so happy. Like SO HAPPY. Presents were really great too. First off, he has gotten to be really freakin good about presents. Like really really good. And this time it is for 2 different reasons. One of them is the sneaky way he gave it to me. Because first it was in his pocket. And then it was under his back when we were laying in bed. And then while he kissed me, he managed to get it and bring it in front to me and say "Happy Valentine's Day". I really thought that that was impressive. Aaaand then! What is was was a complete surprise to me. It was actually a necklace that I had basically out right told him I wanted. But when I told him about it, he was all like oh well maybe one random day I'll have it for you. And so I believed him :P And then after him and his friend went shopping for things, I asked him if it was something I could wear and he said no. So basically I had no idea what to expect, much less the thing I told him about :P So yeah he did really good! Then I gave him his little project thingy. And we looked at it and talked about it and he loved it :) It was such a close, special, intimate, ours moment. It was perfect. Oh and he said that I'm really good at photography. Which was super nice to hear. And I was proud of what I did. So yeah :) <3

I'm just... yeah...

Basically I'm just stressed. And I know there really isn't a reason to worry yet but ya know my period should be coming anywhere from like yesterday through like tomorrow night. And yeah I'm just paranoid. I mean I'm sure it will come but there's that stupid little voice that keeps saying "You had sex. Your period isn't here yet. You're pregnant" and I just want to shut that voice up. Cuz I mean really. It is quite possible it will just come tomorrow and that would be completely normal. I'm just paranoid. Because I know that if the worst thing did happen, my life would basically be ruined. So yeah. And stressing about it doesn't help either.

Aaaaaannddd then, to top it off, my day has been a roller coaster. Because first, I was excited and looking forward to the day and seeing my boyfriend and I even was like oh I'll dress up and wear a skirt and he will like that and I will like that. And then, he says he isn't going to school. My previously almost sky-high mood instantly got slammed into the ground. It was honestly pretty disappointing. To be looking forward to something like that, and then have it taken away really sucks. And then to top it all off, I was already kinda stressin about you know what so I was like oh well I'll see him and hopefully he will help and make me feel better and more relaxed and stuff. And then no. That didn't happen. And that sucked too. But whatever I really don't want to keep complaining about it. Cuz it isn't even really his fault that he stayed home so yeah.

Oh and then last night my boyfriend and his friend went out together to get Valentine's presents for their girlfriends. And after it, my boyfriend told me what his friend got his girlfriend... a lanyard and some candy... and I pretty much told him that she probably won't like that as a Valentine's present. Cuz I mean that does kinda suck for a V-Day gift. Birthday present, yeah sure that wouldn't be a bad idea. And then he makes me think that they got matching gifts. And so I felt bad and disappointed and such. And then he goes and tells me that they didn't get matching ones, after really making me think that they had. So. Not. Fair. So yeah. Cranky.

LOOK!

So I have made the decision to show my boyfriend my blog. Although I'm not actually showing it to him, I'm just giving him the website for it. But really it's not gonna affect how I blog. My blog is pretty just my way to be honest and get everything out. And he pretty much hears all of that anyways so thus, no real reason to change. I'm gonna keep doing it like I always have. I kinda think it will be one of those things where he will want to check it out and see what kinda stuff I say and then he will start to just not look at it that often. I think. That's another thing. I like to analyze things and try to come up with how people are thinking and feeling about things. And I tend to do that about him somewhat. So I guess maybe that might bug him for whatever reason? But that's just like my thought process to try to understand things. And I will fully admit that I am probably wrong a good deal of the time. I dunno that's just how I deal with things and on a blog, it is easy to just keep typing and typing and typing whereas in a text, you get cut off at 160 characters. 160 characters is usually not nearly enough for when I am really trying to figure things out and express my feelings. I'm just that difficult :P I guess I just hope that he doesn't think that this is pathetic. My blogging. And all the venting that goes on with it. But yeah anyways I'm letting him know on Valentine's Day so it's not for a little bit yet. And I think he will really appreciate it. And he should. Cuz I mean this used to be my way of just saying everything I gotta say with only one person I know that actually sees it. But yet I completely and fully trust him so I know it is safe with him. And like I have said, he knows pretty much everything on here. Except I might just be a little more detailed on here. The only thing I can't really talk about anymore is present ideas for him :P Cuz sorry dear, but I'm not gonna make that mistake :) So hopefully this brings us closer. I mean I have gushed about him several times so that should at least make up for any questionable things I may have said. Notice how I just said that I MAY have said them, not that I for sure have said them :) So really I'm kind of procrastinating ending this post because I feel like there was something else I was about to say but I really can't remember what it is right now. FRUSTRATING. okay I just remembered :) So yeah Valentine's Day... I'm really looking forward to that :) Like spending time with each other and being close and celebrating our love and all that :P It will really be nice. And I'm actually super mega looking forward to giving him his little picture project I made him. It turned out super amazingly awesome. I am seriously so proud of it. I put a lot of hard work and time into it and now it is pretty much perfect. It is also really sweet and mushy and I dunno I just really like that about it :) Like for Valentine's I'm really just generally going mushy. Cuz I got a sweet hard and I'm gonna make him sugar cookies too :) I guess that might have to do with how this is like the first Valentine's I've really ever done anything for anybody. In 8th grade, we were still so young that I didn't even really know what to do for it. Like at all. And then 9th grade we weren't even together :P until the day after :P so now in 10th grade, I can actually do something and I'm really excited to do something and so yeah. Pretty much love Valentine's Day this year(: I'm pretty much more excited to give him his stuff than to see what he's gonna get me. That is how freakin excited I am to show it to him! <3 but ya know hopefully he does get something decent for me too :) so yeah this post turned out to be wayyyyyy longer than I thought it was going to be. Like wayyyyy longer. So yeah I'll be done now :) And basically every post lately has ended with some comment on how much I love my life and yeah that is going to continue :) Life is pretty great!! <3

gay best friend

so for the past two Saturdays, I have hung out with my best friend and our basically gay best friend. He's bi so he's not totally gay and we are just good friends, not really best friends. But still it's a lot of fun. Because he is really open with his sexuality with us. He seems to embrace it when he is with us. And it makes him fun. It also makes him a good shopping buddy! Cuz he doesn't complain but yet still has that male opinion. And it's more innocent cuz he isn't completely into girls. And like I honestly wonder how into girls he is. Because we will walk by Victoria's Secret and none of those pictures "get him going" but yet he still makes comments like "you would look hot in this". So it's a little confusing in that sense... and so I don't ya know blame my boyfriend for questioning gay best friend and his intentions. Not to mention that me and gay best friend had a thing in the past, way back before he was gay. But that was like 7th/8th grade. Multiple years ago. But I do kinda get it when he says that he still thinks gay best friend has a thing for me. Cuz sometimes I can see it in the way he acts and the things he says. So yeah. Maybe I'll talk about this more later... or maybe not :)

the 1st of the month

you know what I love? waking up to my boyfriend telling me he loves me and saying "happy 4 months" <3

ahhh excitement :)

So basically, I'm pretty excited! For several things! I feel like lately I've been excited a lot but that definitely isn't a bad thing :)

so I am excited about my project for my boyfriend. It is pretty much done! I have all the pictures taken and printed and put in the book so all that I have left to do write a couple little notes(: I'm so excited for it to be done and then to give it to him. Like I am seriously so excited to just give it to him and sit there and go through it with him. It is probably the most special, heartfelt thing that I have ever done for anybody. And I love it. I put a lot of hard work into it and I think that it has turned out amazing, almost better than I even thought it would. <3

And then I am also excited for Valentine's Day :) Now I left it up to my boyfriend on if we are going to do anything or not, because I know that Christmas had been big. And turns out we are gonna have a little date night and then do presents too. Now I definitely didn't push making it a big deal. I was like it would be nice but it is totally up to you. And the only reason I really wanted to do presents was so that I could give him his project present in 2 weeks, not a month and a half from now. And he is excited to get it too sooo yeah :) I'm excited to see what he ends up getting me. I told him nothing big!

Aaaaand I am still super excited to do things with my room! It is very slow going but eventually it will be amazing! I keep putting off doing some painting but hopefully I will work up the will power to do it soon. Then I am also working on some artwork that takes FOREVER to do but in the end, it will be sweet! And then I also wanna get like poster prints of some of my photography and hang it up in my room. I think it would look pretty dang cool plus it would be awesome to be like "yeah... I took that!" so yeah! I honestly love my room. I like this whole rustic-country-boho style which is kinda weird for a 16 year old girl but I don't care. I love it! And I am super excited for my room to finally be done and I can show it to my friends and especially my boyfriend :)

Now to top it all off, I got straight A's this semester! Yay! It was honestly kind of a surprise but I am so happy about it! So I know I have said this for days now, but life is so amazing! <3

for the first time....

So last night. We did it. And no, I'm not trying to just make it seem like I'm talking about sex... I really am talking about sex. We had sex. For the first time. Don't worry, we used protection and we were classy about it. And ya know what, I really don't regret it. At all. I honestly couldn't have asked for a better first time. And I do think we were ready for it. I didn't have any of that whole hating him or not wanting to be touched or any of that bad stuff. I really did still want to be close to him. Actually right after getting dressed all I really wanted was a nice long hug and that is what I got :) I don't think that it changed anything with us either. We are still us. Maybe even a little closer. It wasn't awkward at all. And in a way it was like a weight lifted off of our shoulders. There is going to be no more wondering when we are going to do it for the first time. However, we both decided that we won't do it again for quite a while. Because we don't want it to become a whole like "oh hey I'm here let's have sex" thing. It is suppose to be special. And it will be.

On a side note, I did awesome on my finals! I got 91% on my English final and that is the lowest score I got. 100% on two of my finals! and 98 and 99 on the other two. So great <3

So yet again, life is great! <3

yay :)

finals are done! And they honestly were all really easy. Like legit. I hardly even studied! So yay! And now I am sitting at home while all the little annoying kids still have to be at school <3 so like I already mentioned, I'm gonna hang out wiff my boyfriend later(: Pretty dang excited! things might happen ;) but yeah I'm just in a great mood so I just wanted to share! Life is gooood <3

love him(:

so basically yesterday my boyfriend and I were having... a tough time and that was mostly going on when I was just laying in bed before getting up. That then lead to me being like all depressed and out of it alllll day. Like I didn't even wear make up to school, that is how much I just didn't care about school and such at that point. Cuz as sad as it is, that was my first time wearing zero make up to school since like 7th grade. So anyways we got better for a while but I still had that just out of it feeling and so I got upset slightly at him right before going to sleep. And then this morning I woke up to the most amazing text messages ever. And they were from him(: And like damn! They were so wonderful and honestly they were some of the most heartfelt things he has said to me in a while. My mood was instantly over the moon and it was a great way to start off my day <3 So basically yet again I'm gonna mini rant about him :) Like I love him so much. Like more than I even ever had thought that I could. Especially at this age. But just everything about our relationship is great. There is not a single thing I would change. We are so wonderful and he is so wonderful <3

so finals are tomorrow and Friday. Not looking forward to it but yet I don't think that any of them will be all that bad. So that's good! And then Friday is only a half day so I might go over to my boyfriend's house... again :P And we will probably just sleep and watch paranormal activity 3! Because we HAVE to watch that! I hope he gets scared and jumps at something while I sit there completely still. It's so funny :) It also feels really funny when like we are sitting and holding each other and stuff and then he jumps and I don't. It's kinda like earthquake! Haha so yeah :) life is gooooood <3

Jobs :)

So last night was Jobs and it really was amazing :) of course that morning and early afternoon I was pretty stressed out but then once things really started going, I had no problems. It was all so fun! Pictures here and then me and my boyfriend went over to my best friend's house where we were going to do more pictures and then didn't :P then to our other friends house where we all did couples pictures and then an all girls picture and the all boys pictures and the whole group pictures and then we ate. I guess I think my biggest regret of the night is that we didn't really do pictures with like just one or two other people. Like I didn't even get one with my best friend! So poo! But then after that we just went to the place the dance was at. We parked and walked a bit to get into the building. The walk back to the car completely sucked by the way :P and then we stood around and waited for Grand March and then we did that. Then more waiting and then finally we got to the dance. And that was pretty dang fun. There was some slight drama but nothing that ruined the night by any means. It actually seemed to resolve itself too. And of course people watching at a dance is pretty fun and also can be some what perturbing :P there was quite a bit of grinding... and not gonna lie... I was partaking in that a bit too :P and then by about 11:15 I would say, some of the couples in our group started going home. So we left not too long after that too. We had an awesome ghetto date at the mcdonalds drive thru! I wanted my chicken and I didn't care how sketchy it looked. And then after that we went back to my boyfriend's house... where we were planning on maybe doing some stuff.... But almost as soon as we got there, my best friend called to say she was on the way over. Mood killer! Then we all stayed up and watched a not-so-scary movie. That was good but by the end of that, I was getting really tired. So we all started getting into our sleeping arrangements. My boyfriend and I slept on the floor on a cushion thinger. Not that either of us slept all that much. I'm guessing I got 4 or 5 hours of sleep. But yeah(: that was really nice :) sleeping together like that. Of course it would have been better if we were ya know in a bed and alone but it still was great. Like really great. Like can I just go live there? Haha ;) so yeah then in the morning when I was truly looking really cute, we just kind of hung out for a while. And that was fun too! And in the end, I spent almost 24 hours straight with my boyfriend. I think it came out to being about 21 hours. And yeah! :D so happy! It was so much fun <3

music

I am one of those people where music just has this great impact on me. I'm sure everyone kind of says that but it is so true. Maybe that is why I love choir so much. It is seriously probably my favorite part of the day most of the time. And there are also a lot of songs that will really touch me and get to me. I listen for the lyrics, not just because it sounds good. Music has the power to change how I'm feeling, Ya know, sometimes I honestly really wish I could live in a good country song. It's so good and gets to me so much. Just yeah. This was a very spur of the moment post just so y'all know. Like my use of y'all there right after talking about country music? :) anyways yeah. Music is just amazing. That is all.

4 days!!

So I figure it's probably about time for a JOBS update since it is in 4 days! Basically I'm superrrr excited! My bestfriend and I went out on new years eve actually and got our garters and ordered our flowers. And we pretty much matched both of them except for the colors :) I put my boyfriend in charge of getting tickets for us so really all I need to worry about is getting hair dye and shoe insert thingers :P I guess I might have to get nail polish too but that's no biggie :P yeah I guess my biggest worry for the whole thing is like being self conscious. Because I know that there is the possibility for me to be like mega aware of like any little imperfection. But on the other hand, I'll at least be trying to tell myself that I am really pretty and that no one is perfect and that I am my own toughest critic. Like I will pay attention and stress over these little things that most other people probably won't even notice. There is no way any one else in the world will judge you harder than you judge yourself. At least about your appearance :P and ya know what, who are they to even judge? I am not going to let that stop me from having an amazing time! Because it really will be so good! Well actually, honestly, I think I'm looking forward to the before stuff and the after stuff more than I am looking forward to the actual dance. Because yeah the dance will be good but everything else will be great and so much fun. Oh and just last night I found out that my parents are for sure letting me sleep over at my boyfriends house after JOBS! Which is like huge because I was mega looking forward to it! And still am! Now don't worry, it's a small after party so there will be 2 other couples there besides us. So we won't be getting THAT frisky anyways ;) Oh! The only other thing that I am semi worried about it my shoes. Because dang gurl they are like 5 inch heels. At this point, I don't think they will be that bad but I've never worn heels like that for an extended period of time so who knows. And there will be no making fun of how I walk because honestly there is no way to make your legs look completely normal just because of the way you are on your tip toes essentially. Sooo yeah. Over all, I am really trying not to stress about anything. Because I know the second that I start freaking out about everything is the second that it isn't fun anymore. And it is going to be fun. :)

and he was right

Ya know how I was pretty much completely spazzing about going on the radio show with my boyfriend? All that worrying was for absolutely nothing. It was actually pretty fun. Ellen was super duper nice and really likes to talk so yeah I really didn't even have to say all that much. But it was still a cool experience. I even listened to myself this morning :P So as usual, my boyfriend was right and it was totally fine. But of course everything is fine when I'm with him :)

So then after the show we went out and got pizza and it was like an interesting experience. Cuz it was like normal dinner time so a lot of more like adults were there too. And then it was me and him being all young and kinda couple-y. Like I felt like some of them were almost watching us and stuff. But I actually liked that experience. We keep having more of these like real-world experience. Examples being: getting pizza, going grocery shopping, being alone, dealing with getting rid of a cat. I dunno that was kinda a lame list but I just feel like we keep doing things that we will do together later in life. And we are so comfortable with each other. Like it's never awkward. And that is so amazing. Whenever I am with him, I feel like everything is going to be ok and nothing will hurt me because he will protect me. And even when I'm not with him, he does his absolute best to still make me feel like that. I know I have talked about this before but it's just so hard to explain just how lucky I feel. Like I honestly don't think there is a better guy out there. We are just such a good couple! I know that sounds all like cocky and such but I really do think it's true. We are so cute too. We just are! And I am so looking forward to JOBS and spending all that time together. And I am so looking forward to giving him my little project thinger. And I am so looking forward to him getting his license. And I am so looking forward to us going on our separate trips. And I know that that one sounded weird but I think it will be a cool experience to be in completely different places than normal at the same time and to tell each other all about it and to be excited for each other. I think it will be good for us. Not that we even need any help! This time is so much different and better than the other times and it's still hard to explain. But it's just like we fit together so well. And y'all are probably tired of listening to me rant about this yet again so I'll be done :)

gato

So to those of you that have never had pets, this might not make all that much sense to you, just so you know.

So my mom and I just got back from taking 2 of our cats to a shelter. One of them was the cat I got for Christmas way back in 2nd grade. So it was sad everything but I honestly handled it way better than I thought I would. I though I was for sure going to bawl but I didn't even cry. Yet anyways. I might later but so far, I'm actually doing pretty good. Much to the surprise of my boyfriend who was totally ready for me to be a mess. But I wasn't. And I'm ok. And it feels good. Now I just gotta get through tomorrow :P wish me luck! <3

hear me on the radiooo

So my boyfriend does this little radio show thinger once a week and I feel like a bad girlfriend because I honestly don't know much about it. And now he want's me to go on with him this Friday. I guess him and the other girl he does it with are bringing in their JOBS dates... which means I kinda have to... But I really don't want to. He started off asking me if I'd do anything for him... and I would.... But he doesn't get it. I'm not interesting. I'm not like him, I'm not out going, I can't just strike up conversation with people. Not to mention the fact that this girl and her date are COMPLETE STRANGERS to me. I don't care if she is "super easy to talk to". I will feel uncomfortable and awkward the whole time. Oh and the radio is public. Everyone has access to it. I mean thank God it's not live but still. I don't think he gets how it won't be easy for me. And I really really wish it would be easy for me but I'm just not like that. I wish I was, but I'm not. And maybe I'm over thinking this, but ya know what, I really might not be. I wanna make a good impression on people but I don't see how I can if I feel out of my element. But yet, maybe this will be good for me. Maybe I can push through how I usually am and take on the personality of an outgoing, easy going, girl. Or maybe I won't even have to do that and she really will be super nice and we will click and I'll have a new bestest friend :P Or maybe I won't even really have to say all that much but when I do, I'll be super charming ;) haha now I'm getting a little carried away. I dunno it really probably won't be as bad as I first thought it would be. I mean I am already warming up to the idea. I think I will either just barely get by with it and not say much, or I'll start off slow but then warm up to them and be better and really, either one should be fine. And if I completely suck, that will show my boyfriend for springing a random radio on me :P

girls... get some common sense!

So lately at my school there have been a lot of pregnancy rumors. Some true, some that we aren't so sure about. But honestly some girls seem to be taking getting pregnant at this age to be a joke. But it's not. Joking about being pregnant and making it seem like you are serious isn't funny. It's not cool to be 16 and pregnant! It's just not! It's nothing to be proud of.

now that I have gotten that rant out of my system, I have to say that the 2 girls that are confirmed as being preggers at least seem to have a good support system going for them. Of course one of them is due next month and one of them is only about 5 weeks along but they still have at least had the sense to get pregnant with a guy that they have been with for a long time. Now of course it is too early to know for sure if they will truly stay around since the pregnancy itself usually is the time they actually do stay. Because that little baby isn't there yet. That little stress causing bundle isn't there yet. However, they baby daddys so far seem to be quite committed. Which is definitely a good thing because if they run away during the pregnancy, there is no way they are coming back. But if they at least stay to see their son/daughter then at least they hopefully have that want to be in their child's life. I mean it is so unfair for a baby to grow up with only a mommy. Especially when the mommy is still growing up herself.

So of course all this got me thinking... it got me thinking about what if that was me? What if I was the 16 year old girl with a baby on the way? It would be horrible. I would cry. I would cry a lot. I mean I am so not ready for that. But there is no way I would have the strength to abort. No way. So that leaves adoption and, of course, keeping it. And as much as I know that I would want the better life for my baby-and myself-and to give it up for adoption... I really don't think I could. I think that as soon as I saw my baby, I would forever be connected to him/her in such a deep way that I just couldn't let her/him go. And I think part of that feeling I get where I know I wouldn't be able to give it up comes from the fact that that baby would be 50% me and 50% my boyfriend. And I don't think I could ever voluntarily give up something that is made up of me and him. But yet keep it would be SO HARD. It would be so stressful and just generally hard and really teen parents don't have much of a track record of staying. A baby would kind of ruin the relationship that I have with my boyfriend and turn it into something else. And I know that that really sounded selfish but I kinda think it is true. We wouldn't even have the time to connect anymore and we would have to take on so much more responsibility. But yet... I know he would stay. And I'm sure every teen mommy to be says that, but I really really mean it! I mean this is definitely something we have talked about and I trust that he would stay. He is the kind of guy that would stay. He wouldn't be able to walk away from our son or daughter... and not away from me. He loves me too much. And he would love our child too. So part of me also says that there is a possibility that it would even make us stronger in a way. We would get through it. We would find a way to get through it together.

We have talked about it and we both are worried of an unexpected pregnancy. I really am worried of getting pregnant. I mean society is programmed to scare us away from sex as much as possible. But ya know what, I don't think that will stop me. And I know that sounds bad but it's true. I'm on birth control and we will use condoms every time. But who even knows when the first time will be. And besides, some couples have to try for months, or even years, of unprotected sex to finally get pregnant. So even unprotected pregnancy does not equal guaranteed pregnancy. So if every once in a while, we get it in, while using 2 forms of birth control, the likelihood of me winding up pregnant is very very slim. And I know that I basically said "it can't happen to me" and teachers and magazines and such are always telling us stories of girls that had said that exact same thing and then BAM. Ended up pregnant. I'm not trying to be stupid, I'm really not, but according to statistics, it won't happen to me. And don't worry. I absolutely promise that we will use a condom each and every time we have sex. But also, we haven't even started having sex and if and when we do, it won't be an often occurrence. It really won't be. We could even attempt to line it up with my non-occuring ovulation cycle. So yes, I get that I am kinda being stupid but please see that I am doing everything right. I am doing everything that a teen can do to make sure she doesn't get pregnant. I'm not going out and having unprotected sex every other night. I'm trying to be smart.

And now I am really sorry for getting on such a long rant. It's just that teen pregnancy is something I have a lot to say about. I'm sure a lot of people, especially my age, do. Hope you enjoyed it though :P

2011

People have been saying things like "thank goodness 2011 is over!" But honestly, for me, 2011 was quite possibly the best year of my life. I feel like I grew up a lot and matured a lot and I just generally strengthened myself that year. I feel like I am so much better now than at the beginning of 2011. Now don't get me wrong, it was actually a pretty hard year at some points but that is really why it ended up being so good. It's hard to explain but it was so beneficial for me as a person. Going through hard things changes you and how you are and how you handle things and I think I got through some stuff really really well. I am so much more like self-sure than I ever used to be. I am confident in myself and know who I am and what I want and all of that. I am even proud of myself and all that I got through. I mean it was hard.

But of course 2011 was a year of a lot of fun too. Finally I was old enough to have some real fun. Things like going on vacation with my best friend and taking a road trip alone with a boy were things that now could happen and did happen and they were amazing. Being able to have so much fun and let loose was really good for me I think. I think that that also helped shape who I am now and I love it. I truly love myself and that is amazing :)

P.S. buying condoms on New Year's Eve is quite the experience ;)