I am sorry

I'm sorry for this morning... honestly, it was half because I was half asleep and I'm always weirdly dramatic when I'm half asleep. I mean... I think I'll always be bummed whenever plans don't work out for us... but I really will try to not let it get bad and just keep going. It's just... What you said about how this scheduling stuff makes it so that this situation we are in is better.... I don't agree... because with this situation, nothing is really for sure... so then I never know when I'll get to see you again... if I even do... Like do you ever just sometimes get really scared that the last time you saw someone will be the last time you ever see them? I know that doesn't really help my trying to be good about it case, but I'm just trying to explain why I get bummed. Like I almost feel like it would be easier if we were dating. Because I know we would have made it work and made time for each other and all that. And just the effort to hang out really does mean something. And I know you are trying, but it's still usually me that has to make the plans. I don't know what I'm really trying to say. I think I'm going to end up having a serious conversation with you about this later. Or something that would help, is that when plans don't work out for one day, we find a day that does work right away. Because when it's just like oh that doesn't work and then that's the end of the conversation, that's when I really get bummed. Like... I still think that this whole thing... it's not better that we are in this situation. I'm sorry, but I'll fight you to the end about that. Because at least there is some security that comes with dating. Maybe that's what it is? Now there is no security about anything and everything is so unknown and everything can change again in the blink of an eye. And if we were dating, we could like visit each other after work and just do little things for each other to make sure the other knows we still really care and just yeah. We would find time. It would work. ...you have no idea.... there's so much that I would just be better at if we dated again versus before. I appreciate things more. I would really appreciate more what time we do get to spend together. I already do that. And just... the little things wouldn't bother me as much. The little negative things. Because in the scheme of things, in the big picture, they are nothing. It's not worth getting upset over. It would be fine. Because in the end, I would still have you. In the end, I would still be the one you want and that's all that would matter. ....I don't know why I am still trying to let you know that if we dated, things would be different, in a better way. That I've learned things and would be better. I'm fighting a losing battle. But yet I still can't give up. Even though maybe I should. But I'd be too scared of what giving up could mean. It would be my luck that as soon as I stopped, you would actually want something to start. So I don't know. I want your reassurance but I am also scared to hear you say that I should give up.

so maybe, hopefully you understood at least part of that and it helps with things. Because reading my blog has only helped.. right?

I still want to do what's best for us.