I'd laugh too if my heart would let me

I guess I'm just kinda waiting on you guys moving in to see how things will be like then. I dunno, maybe I should brace myself. Because like, I wanna be friends, I think you wanna be friends, and I think we're pretty good friends, but I just don't get when we are supposed to hang out. It doesn't even have to be just us, I miss Alex and Zach too. But I dunno. If there's hardly time at all for me now... I just have a hard time seeing it doing anything but get less often. Which like sucks because we have fun. But of course it's gonna end up being up to you. 

Btw, congrats. It's getting hard to have feelings for someone who doesn't have them for you back. Kinda wonder if that was a part of your plan. 

But then I remember the realest, best late night conversation I've had in like forever, and that's when it gets me. That's when the feelings all bubble up to the surface again. And I don't want what I think or feel to deter you from doing things with me, that's why I get nervous to say some things. Although I kinda think you haven't looked at this in weeks, if not months.  

I'm really not an ultimatum type of person. Usually I hate that kind of blunt confrontation. But like I can't help but wonder what you think the futures got for us. Friends forever? Friends for a while longer but then we drift apart? Friends who eventually get back together..? And like obviously no one can really predict the future with much accuracy. But I just wonder why you keep me around? Like that sounds terrible, but yeah, what are your intentions? 

I guess I'm just trying to figure out what I want. It used to be really clear cut, I wanted you, I wanted us. But now it's like I don't know. Sure, part of me still does want that. But the other part knows you don't want that, at least for the time being, so it's like what now. I've never even had to like put myself out there before. Since 8th grade, it's pretty much always been you. Which is tragically romantic. Because doesn't that make me seem kinda pathetic now, almost 21 and it's always been just you. I don't know that I'd have it be any other way though. We had a bunch of really great times, with our fair share of bad times, but like that really helped me grow as a person. 

So I think I've come to a conclusion that half of me is still rooting for us, and the other half just wants to meet/be with the right guy for me, whoever that may be. Maybe it's you, maybe it's not. Things will work themselves out sooner or later.