Here we go

So today someone asked me why we broke up. Seems a bit late to just now be asking but he went away for quite a while. Anyways, I didn't really know how to answer that. I ended up just saying it wasn't working and we fought a lot. But I don't really know what the answer is. I haven't ever been told what the for sure reason(s) were. And I've just been thinking. What happened to us? I mean seriously, how did we get to this point. I'm the type of person that needs answers. I just want to know why. 

... I don't go around wishing bad for you with your relationship. Did you know that? I'm honestly happy for you. I'm sure she's great. 

I think my hope for us again in the future is slowing drifting away. There is no chance for the near future or even the semi near future. But I guess that was what you said all along. That our best chance would be after high school. I just didn't want to settle for that. And back in April, around when we went on our date, I was starting to see us fall back in place. But that was a long time ago. I've really come to accept that I am going to be single all senior year. But then we will get to college and there will be a lot more guys to choose from. You guys were concerned about what about when you bring home girls. But ya know I'm allowed to bring home guys too. Unless things change, I can't wait to get out there in college and bring home guys. I mean I still would love it if we were together then but we don't all get what we want. I mean, I dunno. For now, this is how things are. Hopefully we are still super best friends. Not really sure right now but I really want us to be. Things will get interesting if you and Sena break up. That would be when things could start to change again. But I dunno I think we have proven that there is still something they're between us. There always will be. We were each other's first love. And that is strong. But love in general is strong. And I'm not stupid. I'm sure you love Sena. It will just come down to if in the end, you are with your first, second, or even someone else. Life's a long and winding ride. And if it's you and her in the end, at least it will give me hope that there is someone else out there for me too. It'll just be a matter of finding him. But for now, that is all up in the air. And honestly, I think I am doing okay by myself. 

So I really don't know if that made you guys proud of me or if it just made me look pathetic. 

I am so ready for us to just hash out this thing about last Saturday. I'm sure once we do, there is the possibility that you will need time again to cool off and such. But it also could make things totally better. I don't care if it will hurt, I just need to know. And T is good now so if I have to, I can lean on her. But I am strong. You were even the one that said I am stronger than anyone gives me credit for. So just lay it on me. Please