And now that I am home, the tears can fall.
So basically, there is no chance of us getting back together in the near future. I have to move on, give him some breathing room, show him that I am independent and don't need him. But I don't think I need him, I just really want him. And once things with this other girl are done, whenever that is, it could be anywhere from in a couple days to many months, no one knows, then we will have a chance again, but he doesn't want me holding on to that. So I am going to do my best to move on, I really am, but I have no idea how that's going to go. I just.... wish I could have a different brain. Which sounds crazy because I got a 29 on the ACT. But I wish I wasn't so emotional and didn't feel sad so deeply. I wish I could easily let go of things and stop thinking about the past. But I can't. I'm programmed this way and it sucks. I keep thinking of how happy we were. You know we were happy. I know towards the end things were rocky, but you know that we can really make each other happy. We were great, we both know that. We have so many great memories. And I keep thinking about them. Another thing that makes it really hard... I was really looking forward to this summer with you. Summer with you was going to be so great. And now it sounds like I have to start letting go of that. Letting go of us, is the hardest thing. I don't think you really get that. For me, walking away from us, is excruciating. I can't just do it like you could. I feel like I have to give up on us. You and I have been something I could always believe in and it's like now I just have to drop it like it doesn't matter. Maybe I was crazy, but I had really seen us lasting forever. God damn letting go is so hard. But at the same time, now that I am actually being forced to, maybe I actually will and maybe I will start to be go with the flow and enjoy things more. Maybe I'll actually move forward. But the future is a crazy thing, no one knows what will happen and it is the most unreliable piece of shit. Because who knows. There's the possibility that say 3 or 4 weeks from now, things with them will have already ended and we will be starting to work on us again and I'll look back at this and say "If only I knew then what I know now". Or maybe it will be 3 or 4 months from now that that would happen. Or maybe 3 or 4 months from now we will both be separately happy. There's no way to know anything about the future. That's what I have really learned. Things can go a complete 180 in the blink of an eye. And I really fucking hate it. I just.... don't know where to go from here. Like I am going to try my hardest to move on, believe me, but I don't know how it's going to go, at all. Honestly, I thought I had already moved on some. I was okay with just taking things day by day and yeah nothing would happen but it was still ok. But like... now... I would always tell myself, don't worry until things do change because that means he is starting to get serious about someone else... and that always helped me calm down... but now things are changing like that. And even now I am trying to calm myself down and tell myself to stop worrying and just go with it, that God knows what he's doing, that fate has a plan for me... But it's hard to just throw my hands in the air and give up any control I may have had. I am trying! But I also have been crying pretty much the entire time I have been writing this. I'm frustrated too. And I'm scared. I'm so scared. Terrified. I just.... he says moving on will help us if we do get back together. But right now I am struggling. Hell who am I kidding, the past 3 months of my life have been an on and off struggle. Now is one of the biggest struggles so far. But I have to brush myself off and lift up my chin and just go on with my life. I'm going to do the best I can. I'm still trying to process everything that has happened in the past week. It has been crazy. Maybe I just need to focus on me for a while. But at the same time, I don't think I ever really stopped focusing on myself and what I want and such. Right now I am in absolute darkness but I know there are brighter days ahead. I know this is not a thought someone who is doing a good job of moving on would have, but I really really wonder and want to know how long things with him and her will last. Like I said earlier, what if it is really quick and before I know it, I am looking back on this wishing I had known. Because at this point, it still isn't even a relationship yet. So Josie, stop freaking out. Stop it right now. Because yes, he had a good first date and has feelings for her, but it was still just a first date. Who knows if they will even go out. Whether they do or not, you are going to remain strong and make it through whatever life throws at you. Clearly, it isn't always going to be easy, maybe it will hardly ever be easy, but eventually it will get better. Things will work out in the end. If 2 people are meant to be together, eventually they will be.
I'm still a terrible person and terrible at moving on and hope that things with them end really quickly and that we can be together soon. It's totally possible.
That's my life. I finally get on a positive note, boost myself up, and then a thought like that comes into my head.
What really sucks, is I had a feeling this was going to happen. I had a feeling that things were going to get distant again. I just hope that, eventually, we swing back again and will be close and great again. Because... this whole time during the break up, we haven't been able to stay away from each other. I know, you were kinda leading me on, but still for quite a while you didn't stop seeing me. That has to mean something. Fate, please let me have this back eventually. Pretty please?
I still love you. I love you so much. Maybe on here will be the only way I get to tell you that for a while. And that sucks.
No comments:
Post a Comment