so uhm

Today marks day 4 since Z and I broke up..... he said it's so that we can take the time to actually become close friends... so that we will be stronger in the future... which I understand, but it still sucks. I'm still hurting and time is crawling on by... It's going to take forever... Like he doesn't think it will happen before summer... that's 4 months from now.... And I already miss us.... But I guess I have been missing us for a while because pretty much for the past month things haven't been that good with us, but I kept hoping we would pull through it and be great again. Because when we were good, we were really great. And I guess what also really sucks is that we had hung out the night before he broke up with me and he had said that nothing was wrong with us and that we were good and I was starting to think that things were going to be getting better. Guess not. And it also sucks because I had been really thinking about and looking forward to things in the next few months that we would do together.... like Valentine's Day... and watching Paranormal Activity 4 together... and Prom... and just generally hanging out once he isn't so busy with skiing... and studying for our AP test together.... going for drives... going hiking.... just generally loving each other.... but now, I really doubt I'll have a Valentine, who knows if he will ask me to Prom, we probably won't be hanging out that much, especially alone, we won't be loving each other openly.... but what gives me some hope is that he did say he would watch the movie with me, and I think there's a decent chance we will study together and maybe go for a drive or hiking... and I mean we have to talk to become friends which is what this is all about... but its hard because we already know so much about each other and there's still feelings.... And I feel like I'm walking a fragile line... I never know if something I want to say will go over well or not... I wish I could seriously fast forward til honestly Valentine's Day because that's about 2 weeks from now and I think that would be a good time to ask him about where we are.... plus he leaves the next day for myrtle beach... lucky... I could really use the beach right about now.... I think I'm doing ok... but then I think of one of the millions of memories that we have and then it gets a little hard... there are so many happy memories.... I just want us back to great again.... I hope it won't take so long for us to be best friends.... Alex and Sam are at 9 on the friend scale and I'm at a 4 or 5... It seems like I have a longggg way to go... but yet, I know that the more time that passes, hopefully the easier it gets and the faster time goes by.... and while I want to fast forward to when we are best friends, I also want to enjoy all the little good things with us... because while we hardly talk in person, when we do, its actually pretty good.... I just don't know how I'm supposed to compete with Sam especially.. and I know that I shouldnt think of it as competing, I just didnt know how else to say it.. But they have band together and that really seems to be something that brings them together... I'm just scared I guess. Scared that we will never get there... even though he has said that he thinks we will... I'm also honestly scared that I'll have a hard time being really happy until then... which is bad, like I should eventually be happy again... and I mean I am when I'm with people and I'm not thinking about what happened.... its just when I'm alone with my thoughts that it gets really hard... and it sucks.... like everything seems to really suck now... the situation sucks... there is so much uncertainty... and I can't wait until about the middle to end of March when it starts to really get nice outside again... I can't wait until we can do stuff outside again... like even just going to the park but also taking pictures and hiking and stuff.... and then Z and I can do more stuff... like I was really looking forward to when we could play bean bags and catch and stuff outside.... the sunshine makes everything better and makes me happy... I hope we will still do some of that stuff this spring... and oh my gosh driving with the windows down is amazing! I can't wait til then! Honestly I think the first couple days where it is really nice again, I'll want to go driving just because it will be so nice... driving in the sunshine with the windows down and some feel good country music playing.... seriously doesn't get better than that... except if Z was there and I will probably ask him if he wants to go with me when those days come... hopefully he isn't busy... and hanging out as a group.... I think we will do that more now... hopefully he goes and it goes well... oh and T, I'm trying to say this in the nicest way possible... I hope you and N come out with us more... Like I'mma need you and I think it would be good for you guys... cuz like it sucks when I wanna hang out with people but you and N are by yourselves and won't come out for even a little bit... It's sooooooooooooooo much better when you are there! but yeah.... gah... I really miss us... the good us... the really happy and really in love us..... I want it back and I hope this becoming friends thing really works..... I think the more time goes on, the more I'll miss us but yet the more I'll keep it in.... I just love being with him and spending time with him and all the sweet things he would do for me... and even all the little things... I love the little things.... like even just when we would be driving and he'd put a hand on my knee... it would make me feel really connected..... I still remember that night from this fall when Z was driving and it was me in the front seat and Alex in the back.... and A said that we should seriously be together forever and get married and stuff.... that was probably one of my happiest memories.... I felt really connected that night.... oh and tomorrow would have been our 16 month anniversary..... boo.... oh and another thing I honestly was kinda looking forward to with Z.... I actually kinda wanted him and I to go to the cemetery by ourselves some time... maybe we could still do that sometime... oh and whenever he comes over to watch PA4 with me... I'll probably be really excited and really nervous... but I think it will go well.... and then once the movie is done, I'll give him the option of either leaving or we could do something else... it will be up to him.... I don't want to force anything.... I hope we get back together in like the middle of June.... definitely by the 4th of July... I want to watch fireworks with him... and then we would still have quite a bit of summer to be together and do fun summer things.... That's still forever away though and that sucks.... I hope Johnny Holmes still goes well... like seriously by then I will really hope we are together by then... and if we aren't, hopefully he still wants to go... otherwise that would be kinda sucky... oh and another thing that would really suck.... if he ends up asking some other girl to Prom and then I spend that night home alone, by myself and lonely.... that would really suck.... blah..... I should probably be done with this now... I've been writing for legit a half hour.... But now you really know how crazy my brain is right now... oh wait I have another thing to talk about.... I wonder what he did with our stuff.... He said he's still going to use the blanket I made him and that puppy is sitting on his bed.... but what about the pictures and notes and stuff like that... what about the Jobs stuff... and I have quite a few questions for him yet but I'm too afraid that by asking them, I'd somehow hurt us... we need to move forward, not backward.... hopefully things go well.... I'll probably be blogging more now.... I wish I would have blogged more when things were really good.... All memories can do is fade... like when we went for dinner at perkins at like 8:30 at night... when we went for a walk by the river and found that shooting range... when he surprised me with flowers... when we drove through that neighborhood and picked out the house with the best Christmas lights... when we would go out for lunch together... when we went to Fairmont... and had lunch with my grandma... when we watched Big Brother episodes for hours at a time... when we went to that Twins game together... when we would take naps together at night before I'd have to leave.... all of our goodbyes when we knew we would see each other soon.... so many memories....