think about me

And now this is day 6 since the break up... and it's Saturday... Which is really hard for me because for the past almost 16 months, Saturday has been our day. We would hang out almost every Saturday. So this sucks :( Last Saturday, he came over and I had thought things were going to be ok and we were going to be good again... 2 Saturdays ago was Jobs... which I really remember and really miss... I loved it when we were driving and he had his hand on my knee... and then we spent the night together, sleeping... I thought that night was great... and now here I am... It's hard. It hurts. I'm sad. Seriously I miss us and all our memories so much.... On a brighter note, I think yesterday was the best day we have had so far. We talked a bit and that's good. And he said he still loves me... and that I should embrace our memories... and that we are working to try to make those memories again... I just wish it wasn't going to take so long... I just want to be okay again... And I want to be with him... Like at least hang out with him... There were so many times I was looking forward to us hanging out... I'm going to ask him if we can meet up later and talk... I think I really need to... It will probably be hard though... I'll probably cry... but hopefully it makes things better... I feel like I need to talk and get things out and stuff... and I really want him to know how I feel... it's like one day I'm doing ok and then the next, I'm really not... I wish I had something to look forward to that's actually reasonably close and not months away... then I could focus on that and maybe stop moping.... cuz I've been moping which I know doesn't really help but hey. It hasn't even been a week yet... and he has said more than once that there's not that much different with us now... but I think there's enough that is different... Like the fact we aren't together... how I have no idea when things will be ok again... how I don't know when the next time we will hang out will be... it sucks... and its like all those memories of when I was really happy and we were really happy and really in love just make it more obvious that I'm not happy now. I'm trying to look forward to the future us, where we are even better, it's just that it seems so far away... so far away that I can barely see it... Like I said before, I'm hoping that in early to mid June is when we will get back together... actually I am definitely hoping for earlier than that, but I think that early to mid June is actually realistic... and that's FOUR months away... maybe about 18 weeks... maybe about 130 days... that's a third of a year... that's a really long time... that means that I am maybe 4% of the way there.... but by next Saturday, I'll be almost 10% of the way there... it's going to slowly... like this week seemed to drag... I just want it to go faster... as far as I know, we are still at a 4 or 5 outta 10 on the friendship scale... I can't wait until we go up even just one... that way I will know that we are making forward progress... because right now, I feel like I'm going no where, like all I'm doing is treading water... I think I'll start to get better, or even better, once I know that we are starting to go somewhere.... because I'm also afraid that we won't get anywhere, that we'll just be stuck... hopefully I can actually wait until the 14th to ask about where we are and hopefully by then we are moving.... like I said, honestly even if we just move up a half step, I'll at least know we are making progress... But I guess thinking about it, I think the beginning will probably go pretty slow... we still are kinda in the post relationship stage... once we get going, I think it will go faster... and once it's warm out again, then he won't be skiing anymore and there will be more things to do so I hope that we will hang out more then.... but it still all seems so far away... Hopefully by the end of March it will be warm and we will be decent friends... I really really hope we are together this summer.... Summer is a great time for us because we get to hang out more and there is a lot more things to do... and also if we aren't together, then I probably wouldn't be seeing him a whole not. or at least not alone... I want this summer to be great... And I want a great summer with him... it just kinda sucks that it seems like I have to wait until anything good can happen... And I'm kinda tempted to tell him that if he wants to see all my lovely feelings, he should look at my blog... but idk... it might scare him :P But I haven't said anything mean about him... like I'm not mad at him.... like I said, I get why he did it... it just still hurts and sucks... I really wish I could just hurry up and see it as us trying to be better in the future instead of us being apart... I do see that sometimes though... also, what has been giving me hope is knowing that we have to talk to become good friends... it would really suck if we weren't talking... like this morning since he hasn't texted me back yet :P and we will have to hang out and spend time together too... so that gives me hope.... and we still are gonna watch that movie together some time... I'm hopeful for that... Idk.... honestly... it almost feels like this is just a dream... like I can't believe it happened again... I just... idk... at the same time though, I know this is real... I hope things go well.... and honestly, we have gotten back together after worse break ups, ones where I really had no hope after them... ones where we hardly even talked after them... and those ones only took like a month and a half, or two months... but this one will be longer... it has to be... which sucks... but once things get going, they should be getting better... I have to think of it as each day we spend building our relationship, the better we will be... so sitting here at Day 6, a Saturday, I am still sad and still really miss us, just like I always will be but soon it won't be in front of everything else, at least hopefully soon it will start to fall back a little bit, but also here at Day 6, I have hope. I hope everything goes well, I hope things start to get moving along, I hope it will truly make us better in the end... scratch that. I know it will make us better. It's just the getting there part. Because we still love each other... we still want to be together... we just also want to make us better so that we can last forever.