prom

So obviously, this is going to be about prom :P
I mean over all, it pretty much went as I expected it would. All in all, N was a pretty good date and anything crappy that happened had nothing to do with him. He was great. N had been texting me and was being really nice and kinda sweet and such and then I guess he decided to be early with picking me up so it was literally a mad dash at the end of getting ready. So we took a couple pictures at my house, which honestly was a little awkward, and then left and ended up having time to kill. Then group pictures which was ok. We killed time and then went to grand march, which was really just a lot of waiting for a 2 minute walk. And during that waiting was when it started... the gloom and doom started to set in a little bit. I was getting a little sad but I did my best to push it all out and have fun. Then we had more time to kill before the dinner and dance. So much time killing. Because even once we got to there, there was a lot of waiting for our food and then to finally dance. Honestly, I think dancing was my favorite part. I actually had fun during that part. I mean, grinding is fun. Dancing with friends is fun. It's the easiest time to just be carefree and have fun with your friends. So during that part I was good. I even got to finally talk to Z a couple times and I thought it was really nice and such. During the whole thing, I was doing my best to put on a brave face and look happy and independent. I think I did a pretty good job of that, really I did. Of course the question is did I look like that to other people? Feel free to answer that. Then right after the dance I was doing pretty good. But as the night went on, it set in again. Feeling sad. So I just decided to leave and go home. That was probably like an hour ago. And that was probably when the worst part of the night came about. I was just sitting in my car, I understand it probably looked sketchy, but seriously, I wasn't trying anything, I wasn't creeping, really I was just trying to ignore the other car. I was processing and making sure I was good to drive, that I wasn't going to start crying as soon as I left because that would have been bad. And I didn't cry. So I was about to leave, literally about to put my car in drive. But I guess I took too long to get my shit together, because he left, in quite a hurry. It kinda seemed like he was upset. I mean I don't know what was going on there, but if I upset you, I am really sorry. Like I said, I was trying to block things out and make sure I won't crash on the way home. But I feel bad. I really hope it didn't hurt anything. I'm sorry. When I got home, I kinda felt like shit. I think I sat in my car again, just listening to music and processing for a good 15 minutes. I was honestly kinda waiting to see if a break down would come. But it didn't. And still hasn't. Maybe I'm too tired to cry, but so far, I just haven't at all. I don't know what that means. I mean I don't know what anyone else thinks, but I think I did a decent job of trying to move on tonight and not care. Or at least act like I don't care. I'm trying to control myself. It will be ok. In the end, this was just one night and things move on and this becomes the past. The past is such a hard thing to handle. It has things in it that we wish didn't happen at all and things in it that we wish were in the present. The future is also a bitch to handle. Because you have no fucking clue what is about to hit you. No one can predict the future and anything is possible. And that stirs up feelings of both hope and despair.

And now some tears have fallen. But they have nothing to do with Z. They came because.... when I was sitting in my car all alone, someone walked by on the sidewalk on the other side of the road and it made me a little nervous. Then I had a thought. I thought that if I were to die from some freak occurrence like that guy attacking me, it wouldn't be that bad. And I know that's a terrible thought and that's why I cried. Because as much as things sometimes really suck, I want to live to see how they work out. I don't want to die. I repeat, I don't want to die, so don't freak out when you see this. If I died, things would all be over. There would be no more future, no more possibilities, no more hope for a better day. I can't imagine this being the end. It just can't be the end.

And now I am debating about whether or not to text you about this post... because you still haven't responded from before. And maybe I kinda get it, you don't want to deal with stuff on prom night. I sit and debate about these things now. Because I don't want to bother you or be clingy or anything bad like that. Sometimes I just want to let you know about things but don't know when to do it or if I even should so I don't know. I don't know if you have even looked on here in the past couple days. I mean, honestly, I do want you to look at this. Some posts more than others, but I still want you to know my thoughts and feelings and currently this is the best way to do that. Because saying all this over text is basically impossible and right now it seems like you don't want to talk face to face. Which is my preferred method. Then I can actually see you and hear you and know how you react and respond to things. It has more feeling. But like I said, when I brought up a car visit, you seemed very hesitant. Which I kinda get. There's a new girl in your life. But seriously, I just want to talk things through.

........it seems like we have definitely moved backwards. Which I mean we have. Now, I am hesitant to say some things. I don't want them to affect us negatively so they just stay in my head as much as possible. Some of them are things I try to stop thinking all together. Because I am supposed to be moving on. And I am trying to do that. Everyone keeps telling me to do it, as if I'm not even trying, but I am. It almost hurts a little when people keep telling me that because I am doing my best and no one knows how hard it is. Seriously I am trying but it is so fucking hard. I wish I was a soulless ginger like you. :P

I keep trying to tell myself that if we are meant to be, things will work out and eventually we will be together. But what if things get fucked up? I am trying so hard to believe that everything happens for a reason and fate will step in and that God has a plan for each of us. I want to believe that everything will be okay in the end, but like I said, what if things get fucked up?

Decision made. I will tell you about this. Which you will know soon. Unless you are sleeping.

Please talk to me.
Car visit would be great but even just some response to this would be good.

I still love you.