ruin

I don't even know where to begin right now. That's probably why I have had this open for 15 minutes without starting to write anything. I just.... I have been doing pretty good lately. I think we all can agree on that. And Friday was fun and nice and stuff. And I was having a really good weekend, really tiring, but really good. And then you said that you and Sena are actually going to date here pretty soon. And then everything I had been doing my best to not think of so that I could be happy came pouring into my head. I think maybe that's my trick to my "success". I just push it out of my head. But then again is it really success if it means I'm not totally dealing with everything? I just.... it still really hurts. To think of you with someone else. Like I cry. I just... I don't know. I still wish it was me. I just... I don't know. My black hole has come back. Part of me is so sad but the other part of me is mad. At myself. Like just move on already. You know this is what's best right now. You know that if it's meant to be, eventually he will come back. But what if timing gets screwed up? What if things get screwed up? I don't know. Anything is possible. Maybe once they start dating he will realize he wishes it was me. Or maybe not. I don't know. When I get like this, sad, my self confidence greatly deteriorates. Like, the rest of the time, I am usually pretty good about telling myself that I'm pretty great and that I'll be good enough and all that. But right now I feel like I'm 2 inches tall. I hate feeling like this. Although sometimes I think I need these crying cleansing sessions every once in a while just to get it all out so that I can be good the rest of the time. ...............once we are both single again, and have a chance... I really hope we pounce on that chance. I mean, if it works out that we get a chance again, I think we need to take advantage of it. Because who knows, maybe that is fate stepping in, telling us we should be together. And I think that if we do date again, whenever that could be, I think we would be better than ever. And we were already pretty great.
I think this is why falling in love when you're so young is so hard. Life is just beginning and we need time to explore and wander. Which hurts. Especially when you're the one forced into it. Sometimes I wonder about that. If we had met at like 20 instead of what, 14? We were so young. And we still are. And it sucks.

And now I'm thinking about us and our great run, despite our rocky parts. We were so great. I want that again. I miss us.

And seriously, I really want to ask you about what you think is going to happen with stuff but I know you'll just say there's no way to know. Even though I know you know what is most likely to happen. Every event/string of events has it's own probabilities. I kinda wish you would share.

I definitely still need that heart to heart.

Oh and, I love you too. Sorry for not telling you before.

............I feel hopeless and hopeful at the same time.