what ifs

Honestly, he's the only what if I really have. And it's not like I haven't allowed myself to have other what ifs, because I have gone through and thought about if there are other what ifs and there's just not. Maybe it's a little confusing that I say he's my what if so I'll explain some. I keep wondering about what if I had been better. What if I had gotten out of my rut and been really happy. What if I had seen any of the signs that may or may not have even been there. Those are my what ifs. And I do get it, the wanting to get rid of the what ifs. Just kinda sucks too. But I am trying so hard to do my best.

Last night we had a fairly lengthy conversation on the phone... and I am really glad that we did. I think it helped, I don't know about him though. And he told me that he reads this. Probably won't be too long until he's reading this post too :P At first, I was really really surprised. I had no idea he even remembered I have a blog. And then I was scared. Because on here, I let my thoughts flow. I just write what I'm feeling and thinking and some times that isn't very nice. So I was scared that it had hurt us. So of course I was very relieved when he said it had only helped. If it helps, then go ahead. I just didn't want it to negatively affect things between us. I don't know, I think I am still processing all that was said last night... But I have a feeling it is going to be a good day :)